My Story...Hope it Helps

[stzr500]

Hello,

        I just want to start off stating that Feb 24th was my first year smoke free. I just want to give a bit of insight on how things went and are still going. This may be a bit in length but to totally understand it has to be, sorry. I came home that night on the 24th after I said goodbye to my daughter whom was off to rehab for her own addiction. I said if she can do it so can I even after 30 years of smoking. Putting these down is nothing compared to what she was about to go through with her opioid addiction. She is now 21 just starting life. Get into that later. Anyway the first three days were out of this world. Can't really explain them but very nausea and little to no sleep. To be honest I really can't remember all of it because i think it was so horrible my brain just won't let me go back there but visions have me so scared I will never pick up a nicotine product again. Then came the end of the week and onto week two...pretty smooth feeling better and now getting 5-6 hours of sleep a night. Week three was it...anxiety anxiety anxiety like my world just caved in on me. It was to the point of what they call derealisation where nothing seemed real to me. I only ever had it happen to me once before when I got high with marijuana with my cousin. Thank God it ended after my high ended. Anyway guess what this time it didn't....here we go full blown panic..omg ...what am I going to do I can't handle this feeling, I'm going crazy this cannot be happening to me. Why won't it stop ...did I do permanent brain damage from smoking cigarettes all these years...so on and so on my brain was in full overdrive. You name the most horrible sensations I could feel and trust me I felt them. I need to call the doctor I need to do something...then I thought what's the worse thats going to happen..I may pass out and shit then I won't need to worry cause I will be out like a light. Guess what I wasn't blessed with that pleasure ...as soon as it would get close to that point it would back off. This went on for weeks. I went to counseling and it was what I figured and what the doc said anxiety at it's worse, whats going on. Here's where it gets good.

           To start off my quit was never planned, just shot from the hip and did it. Along with the anxiety came the complete opposite depression so bad it dropped me to my knees in tears at times. NO JOKE. Never have I felt so empty inside and lost. To start it all off I lost my mother 4 1/2 years ago and never really dealt with it. When she passed from liver cancer I grieved and had lots of smokes. Two weeks after she passed I settled the estate with smokes. 3 months later we bought a new home. Another month later I was promoted to be an Engineer for my job. Smokes like a chimney for that cause if I didn't pass I was out of a job. I passed by the way thank God. Anyway shortly after that I remember bringing the train to a stop at a red signal and having a panic attack. WTH is wrong with me I though....smoking that's it I quit. The very next day was the day and the day our daughter got her help. Through counseling and talking with others here is how it is for me. I did everything with a cigarette from the time I was 17 to 47. I mean everything ...sorry about this but after sex was the best one even better than the one with coffee in the morning. Drinking, socializing,sadness,stress...I did everything with a cigarette it was my best friend and my biggest crutch. See I am not a casual smoker or a smoker who smokes just because it makes them feel good, I am a smoker who smoked because everything in my life revolved arround smoking and I had to have it. Smokes cured me of everything...I would say FK it and light one up. 

         Now I put them away and my world just came crashing down upon me like I never in my life experienced. Also my wife had an affair during all this because I was never home always working and just not paying attention to her. Talk about the final blow. This happened May of last year for a month and a half it went on. I found out confronted the both of them and about kicked her ass to the curb and bought a pack of smokes. I packed them and opened them and took one out. Looked at myself and said really, really ..fk this. Put it back in the pack and gave them to my wife and told her she may need these more than me at this point in time. So lets review...mother passed away....never really mourned her loss because it was to painful put many other things first. Promotion at my job. Wife affair and daughter hooked on heroin all in the past 2 years of my mother passing.

        Summary.....when I put the smoked down I was literally hit by everything I ignored and pushed to the side and hid with a cigarette. Here it is a year later and I will say things are better on the home front. Wife and I worked things out. She is my best friend and I pushed her away like a fool. Daughter, well she is back in detox as of yesterday and will try it all over again. This is just the tip of things in my life. What I really am trying to say is everyones quit is unique and personal. Be true to yourself you are a lot braver that what you think you are. You will walk through the gates of hell on your quit there is no doubt about it but just remember you will come out on top. I am not going crazy nor did I do permanent brain damage from smoking..lmao. What I did do was close responses to normal dopamine that take time to heal and recover. All addicts do this thats why its an addiction. I still have bouts of depression and anxiety. I am learning a whole new lifestyle. Think about it you are literaley changing your lifestyle without nicotine and its scary but it can be fun sometime. I like waking up and smelling my wifes perfume that wore off on the pillow rather than stinky smoke that wore off my hair. For those who read this thank you for taking the time to read it..I let out a bunch of personal things in my life but if you can't speak the real, then there is no sense in saying anything. I cannot give a time frame on when you should feel better from quitting but I feel fantastic at times and other times physically great but still an emotional train wreck. Hills and valleys but one day it will level out, because you will achieve goals and set a new future that you can look back upon without a cigarette. I won't say good luck because it's not about luck...IT ABOUT YOU AND YOUR WILL. My family is why !!

Edited March 11, 2018 by stzr500

[jillar]

Stzr, I'm so sorry you had to deal with all that your first year.  That you could stay smoke free while your world was crashing down around you is admirable. I don't think I could have done that that early in my quit. I hope your daughter conquers her addiction just like her role model daddy did. I've always heard that quitting smoking is like quitting heroin so I'm keeping positive thoughts for her that she has your will to be free of addiction.

Thank you for sharing.......

Edited March 11, 2018 by jillar

[WeegieWoman]

That is a great pic. Well done keeping your quit through tough times and really working it all out. I understand the revolving door of rehab (my sis is in right now). i hope your daughter manages to sort herself out. 

[Martian5]

I am speechless, thank you so much for sharing this.  It is honest, real, and raw and hits home.  Again congrats on your 1 year.

[Giveintowin]

Well done on getting through the first year. I similarly have had anxiety, depression stuff. It’s good to see someone make it through. 

[Sazerac]

Thank you for writing your story, s.

Your honesty is priceless and sure to resonate with all addicts.

Congratulations on being Free.

[Lin-quitting]

That was powerful and moving and I add my thanks to you for sharing with us Stzr.

[Reciprocity]

Amazing that you could build and keep your quit with all that going on around you at the same time stzr500. You sure set a great example for your daughter. I hope she shows the same dogged determination as you did in wrestling her own addiction to the ground. Take pride in what you have done and enjoy the benefits of your smoke free life to the max!

[notsmokinjo]

Thank you, you will probably never realise just how important sharing that truth with us was to how many people. For me it couldn't have come at a better time. Thank you for giving me some clarity and a light for the end of my quit tunnel.

 

On a separate note one of my cousins faced the same battle your daughter does. It took 4 trips to rehab for him, the fourth one being a farm/work based program. He is now happily married and expecting his second child, has great job, the stress of a mortgage and is doing well. Every journey is different but with family support it can be done. 

[Doreensfree]

Aww...I had tears reading your post..life can be so dam hard sometimes....I am so happy ,you found this place,and felt comfortable enough to share your story...

Your amongst friends..who will support you along your journey....

You are strong...feel proud ...what you are doing is flipping amazing...

Thank you ...

[Dutchess66]

Wow... against all odds, but you did it. Respect!

 

Dutchess

[Moominmumma]

What an amazing heartfelt post and a very timely one for me as I'm in denial but am waking up to the realisation that I too am suffering depression and anxiety and really thought that by 7 months I should be over all that now! You've really been dealt some crap to deal with since you quit! I'm hoping it all quietens down for you!

[MarylandQuitter]

Thanks for sharing your story, Stzr500.  What an amazing job to stay quit with all of that on your plate to deal with; all of it major, major life issues.  A lot of us say, "if I can do it, so can you".  However, you can say this and send a powerful message.  Your story is the perfect illustration that no matter what happens in life, smoking doesn't fix it and certainly is no help is coping with it.

[Sslip]

Stzr,

 

This is such a brave, generous and inspirational story. You should be extremely proud of yourself.

 

My very best wishes to you and your family and thank you, seriously just thank you!

[Joe7]

Very strong post Strz. Thank you for sharing it. After I quit smoking I also ended up with anxiety and depression, and it has persisted ever since. I have also often wondered if the damage I did to my brain after all those years of smoking was permanent.

 

Best wishes for your daughters recovery.

[Rozuki]

Yours is a powerful story and a powerful example to others - both here at QT and especially within your own family (great photo!) Thank you, Stzr500!

[Wee fluffy me]

Wow so much has been flung at you especially when you thought it couldn't  get any worse but you maintained your quit. I have so much admiration for you this is such a powerful story and it shows that smoking wouldn't change a thing. No matter what, you make the decision to smoke or not and that by choosing not to smoke you are a stronger person.

 

I hope with all my heart that this time  the stars align for your daughter.

 

Thank you so much for sharing this with us and Kudos to you Sir.

 

[beazel]

I'm sure your story will help many...thank you for sharing.

Best wishes to you and your family.

[Octain]

Thanks for sharing.

Very  inspirational.

 

[johnny5]

Amazing post, Stzr.  Thanks for sharing.

[Sparkzzz]

Hey man. I respect you. That’s just brilliant how you handled everything !!!

[PeaceTrain]

Stzr500, all respect and admiration for your honesty and openness.  As difficult as that sounded, I'd bet there's even more to it that couldn't be fully expressed in words because there probably aren't adequate word to describe what you went through. 

 

Quitting smoking was an epiphany to me also so I can relate to the part about having to face emotions that went up in smoke for so many years. I'm still dealing with that part of it and it's been really tough for me at times. At other times, I have these moments of pure joy that make me feel like, "Now THAT'S  what being normal feels like.  Yes, I CAN make my own dopamine and serotonin, thank you very much!"  All of us here on this board can feel very proud of kicking the smoking addiction.  It's hard core. 

[Mollie1]

Thanks for sharing what many of us feel but find it difficult to express in words.   Quitting smoking after 40 + years of doing everything with a cigarette has been challenging to say the least.  Your story is an inspiration to us all that it can be done if one just keeps saying “no - not today”.  We are grateful that you are part of us.  Congratulations!

[stzr500]

Hello EVERYONE !!! I posted this back on March 10,2018 it is now September 2, 2020. I just want to quick say all those infected with covid I pray that you are getting better, all the rest STAY SAFE !! On to my post, I am still smoke free have very little cravings if any at all. They come and go so quick and they are more of a pain in the ass then anything. So quick but just letting you know hey I'm still here. The only advice I can give now is believe in yourself and you will make it. I did gain 20 lbs though..ugg, working it off though. Had some stressers in the last few years but managed through them. You come to realize after you lose your crutch with the ciggs that you really do have to believe in yourself. My anxiety is much more manageable which very seldom shows it's ugly face. Life really is good and much better is the best way of putting it. I feel sorry for those who can't experience it yet but it will come I PROMISE !! In closing, stay strong and smoke free my friends the rewards are priceless !!

[jillar]

Hi stzr it's good to "see" you and hear you're loving your smoke free life. I hope your daughter is doing well and was able to win her battle with addiction as well. Take care...