Its all just a drag and I really frickin want one....

[notsmokinjo]

 

I’m thinkin I might need to tone back me time here for a while cos I’m not handling life all to good at the minute and need to sort some sh1t. You mob are all great an real good insentive to hang in but I I need to go sulk in a corner for a while. I’m gunna try to NOPE every day, not sure I will… but I need to NOPE… ay, ya neva know, I might av a good night tonight an wake up back to me old self an not be feelin like I am now.

 

Lifes chucked me a whole pile of sh1t an I’m just not sure wot to do or where to go from here… I’m feelin a pretty crappy atm so if I seem to disappear I’ll be lurkin but I’m just not sure wot to do with all the shit whirlin around in me head atm.

 

The short story… things are pretty frickin bad atm. My life has kinda derailed in the past 20 hours and I’m struggling big time. I have issues related to a quit that went real bad a few years back, I feel like I’m failin as a mum and I got into work this morning, where I have worked for 18 years in April, to find out their closin the business an I have 3 months notice…. Yay me … still KTQ here but I’m doin it hard.

 

 

 

 

The long story… doin this cos if the kid hacks it she wont look in these boxes cos the little prude thinks they have pictures of tits and d1cks… so there’s sh1t in here that aint quit related but I need to get it out before its toxic cos toxic an me means smokin… and I WILL NOT DO THAT

 

I suspect to some I seemed to be cruisin through this quit until my melt down last night over a frickin 12 year olds school homework. For the most part I think I am cos this quit (ie cravings, urges, detox) really does seem so much easier than any time before but I’m just waitin for the other shoe to drop.  The longer the quit lasts the more anxious I am gettin. Every slight ache or pain is bein mentally blown out of proportion. I’m antsy as all get out. I’m worried that something bad is comin and there is goin to be nothin I can do when it comes. Basically I’m shitting myself the further the quit goes on and each day that naggin voice is gettin louder an louder tellin me that things aren’t right. Weirdly, besides that (and last night’s episode) I’m not feeling like a I want a smoke… but the voice is tellin me that I need one or somethin bad is going to happen… I know this is bull, but life keeps sh1ttin in my face an I can’t pretend its all cruisey. I need a vent, I need ta unload an I just need to put some shit out there to get it away from inside me head.

 

So I’ve quit before, for a long period of time, and I threw it away over something stupid … 1 smoke boys and girls and my almost 7 year quit was gone, I was back to a pack a day within a week where I stayed for the next decade and a bit. I always feel bad postin quit advice because of this, feel like a total hypocrite… which is why I spend more time in the social boards. (with the exception of the pregnancy quits… which I don’t count because [and here’s some twisted addict logic] I had no intention for the quit lasting any longer than I was pregnant and feeding and was counting the days until I could have a durry from the very first missed smoke). Yep, in that time I tried to quit a whole heap of times.. if I couldn’t make the first 24 hours smoke free I didn’t count that as a real quit attempt. So by my logic I have had 3 quits, the big quit, one that lasted a few weeks and this one. But in that time there was another quit, one where I used a quit program and had a set quit date… I never reached the quit date, instead in a series of weird interlinking events I ended up in a coma fighting for my life… and what I held onto from that experience was the fact that one of the major contributing issues was the quit agent and that by tryin to quit I nearly died and left the kid alone with her drop kick dad as her only parent…. Since then any quit has thrown me into a panic that it could happen again. I know it can’t because x, y, z, l, m, n, o and p would all have to coincide again and not happen in exactly the same order…. It is like a billion to 1 shot that it could even happen the first time. But the longer this quit goes the more the dreams and flashbacks of that time come to me. I know it’s just the addiction looking for anything it can to claw its way in to letting me indulge it. I know this. But its making me feel like such a fraud. I like to pretend that everything is roses and I am notorious for stickin me head in the sand and acting like a problem just isn’t there. But its there, its sh1t, and I just don’t know what to do to ease it.

 

So that brings us to last night. All it took was one screaming match with the kid and I was jonesin so bad for a durry I was pacin the house. I broke out in a sweat because I ‘needed’ a smoke. I walked the freaking Shepheard 2.5km so I could go to the supermarket and buy some smokes… but I couldn’t buy any because I couldn’t leave the stupid dog outside because he is mental… so I walked home determined to lock the mutt in the yard and head back, instead I sat on the floor chanting bloody fuckin “NOPE-I will not smoke” to meself like a frickin nut job until I conked it. It wasn’t until I NOPE’d in the thread this morning that the urge to smoke left... I was feelin good, an happy, an well things were back on track for all of 5 freakin minutes.

So then this mornin’ the kid tells me she can “never love me because I make her feel so bad about herself”… fvckin broke me in two… she will “always love her daddy because he takes her to the movies and buys her stuff and she knows even if she can never read properly (she has dyslexia) she will always be smarter than him”. Me.. she “will never be as smart as me, or good at art, or good at sport, or good at music, or good at cooking, or good at anything because it doesn’t matter what she does I will always do it better and I just make her feel pathetic and useless and stupid just by breathing and she will never be able to make me proud”…. Fvckin broke me, oh I think I said that, but yeah, cried all the way to frickin work. See I never wanted kids because while I had the most awesome dad me mum was not much chop and I was petrified I’d be like her as a mum and if I had kids they would hate me like I hate her…. I am nothing like her, it doesn’t matter what the kid does or wears or says I’m proud of her, I tell her how amazin she is all the frickin time… I praise all her efforts… all of them… she is my freakin miracle and I sacrifice everything for her but I make her feel no better than me mum made me feel, except for different reasons… I just feel like she’d be better if I left her with her dad and went away fer good… clearly she doesn’t want me around an all I do is make her feel bad… fvck fvck fvckity fvck fvck…. I just feel like a completely failed me kid.  

 

Then I get ta work an the boss sits me down to let me know they av decided to dissolve the business and will be closing at the end of June. I’m a bit freaked about this cos I haven’t written a resume in 18 freakin years…. AND…. I’m a 41 year old fat chick with major health problems and in all honesty who is gunna want to hire me… oh well at least this news didn’t make me head to the servo for smokes, I think I’m still just numb over it… an a bit sick… but hey just makes me feel like more of a failure…. So there ya have it.[/spolier]

 

 

 

 

 

 

Edited March 9, 2018 by notsmokinjo

[jillar]

Man jo life has a way of throwing us curveballs. You've had an awful 20 hours and to be honest at your stage of quit I would have relapsed. Just goes to show how strong you really are and how much you want this quit. If you didn't you wouldn't have brought your mentally challenged pup with you to that store last night. 

Teenagers are going to be teenagers (preteens included) so please don't take the princesses words to heart. Like beazel said, one day she's going to realize that you're not only mom but also her friend. Unfortunately that takes time and maturity so you'll  just have to keep those big girl panties on. Loved your taking off her door lol!

About laying low, I think you need a place to vent, keep your mind off your misery now more than ever and I think taking a break right now could hurt more than help. We're here for you so please let us be xoxo

Edited March 9, 2018 by jillar

[Whispers]

I'm sorry about this stuff but man if all that didnt break you... Your quit just got that much stronger, sometimes isolation is good and sometimes it isnt and that depends on the person. I agree with jillar, a place to vent where you dont get judged and we're all in the battle with that same demon can be helpful right now ...

[Giveintowin]

Gee Jo so sorry to hear about the job. I know the family stuff is really upsetting too but I tend to think the family stuff is repairable? I might be wrong but I’m trying to give you some hope. 

 

You also dont don’t need the lecture that smoking won’t fix things but I do know time usually does. I reckon you’re probably pretty employable. I mean if you didn’t swear and all. (I’m joking please don’t come down on me, I’m just trying to make you smile). 

 

Hang in in there anyway and post when you need to. 

 

Im sorry to hear this sh&$t is going on for you early in your quit. 

[notsmokinjo]

4 minutes ago, Giveintowin said:

I reckon you’re probably pretty employable. I mean if you didn’t swear and all. 

 

Was laughin before I even finish readin this sentence... thanks Givie.

 

 

[Sslip]

Jo, you do what you need to do, but please know that you have friends that are here for you. If there is anything I can do to help in some small way let me know.

 

Okay, here comes the difficult bit, trying to give some advice I hope may help. Take what you will and trash the rest and if I say any thing out of line please know it is with best intentionsin mind. I say this because I know that I've had a bloody easy time of it because I have the easier time of it with father/daughter relationships.

 

First up, you are not your mum. Many of us have a tendency to judge ourselves harshly and believe others see all our self perceived faults. It may sound like I'm blowing smoke up your arse (please forgive the phrasing, it's neither literal, nor am I smoking at the moment - you've been so instrumental in that), but you are awesome. If you can't see that at the moment, give it time and look again. Ask your friends around you back home or on the boards here and they will tell you the same thing as I have. Don't ever doubt it!

 

As for the kid. There's no sugar coating it I'm afraid, there is going to be tough times. I will promise you, just as people here promise us, it does get easier. You can't be responsible for how she behaves, only your reaction to it.

 

I only have a couple of suggestions for now. If you can write down how proud you feel and will always feel of her and you can write down how much of a miracle she is and you can add how much you love her no matter what she says to you, do it and make copies (you know a split second reaction can ruin paper ). Also let her know that you will never do anything to deliberately hurt her, but you will maintain discipline and guess what you are human, we are all imperfect and will sometimes get things wrong.

 

Don't compare yourself to her dad and don't compare your relationships. She should love him and feel safe with him, no matter what. It sounds like she has a pretty fantastic relationship with your dad as well and he sounds pretty special, it may be worth him telling her how much you love her if he is comfortable to do so.

 

Sorry this is long winded, but the second piece of advice is to occassionally let her stumble and fall when it comes to homework or whatever else she is dealing with. Let her know when she does, it might suck briefly, but that is not failure, that is experience. The only failure is not trying.

 

Anyhow I'm rambling. Always feel free to talk with me, but look after you first and foremost.

 

Big hugs to my third favourite Aussie (come on you have no chance up against Warney and Adam Hills - sorry not going to lie to you). Take care of yourself and once again holler loud if there is anything I can do that may help in any way.

[notsmokinjo]

20 minutes ago, Sslip said:

Big hugs to my third favourite Aussie (come on you have no chance up against Warney and Adam Hills - sorry not going to lie to you). Take care of yourself and once again holler loud if there is anything I can do that may help in any way.

 

I'll settle fer third... I mean after Merv, Warnie is our bogan icon AND he fricken barracks for the Saintas... but Adam Hill... seriously, the man like to eat Pizza and even gets it diamond cut.. LOL

 

Oh... pissin in ya pocket ... is an aussie equivalent to blowin smoke up ya ar5e that might come in handy...

 

Oh so I think I have left the shock station and have taken up risdence on that great river in Egypt,... ya know, Da Nile. 

 

[despair not]

Hi Jo

 

Stick with  us at least you know were on your side to quit smoking.

[Doreensfree]

I'm truly sorry you are going through some crap right now...sometimes life sucks good style..

Life throws some right curve balls....

I can only give you my support and my experiences....

Sometimes this place and the folks here are my way of getting through my day...just taking me away from what's  happening for a short time..can make all  the difference..

I'm.hoping you stay around ...even if it just to throw a NOPE in here....

It took me 52 years of reaching for my crutch.... To understand... It didn't alter anything...i still  had to face  the problem head on....I cope much better now,without being highly strung,looking for my next fix...

You have friends here....xx

 

[Lin-quitting]

We will be here for you Jo if you need us.

 

And you know this: smoking won't help life's problems one little bit. It will make them worse.

 

Sending good vibes and hugs.....

[beazel]

That was one incredibly hard day, with so much stress. You made it through without smoking!!!!! You can do this.

I agree that you need this board - where else do you have 100 friends to lean on at one time?

You really got into your own head and sometimes coming here can give us some perspective.

 

Your daughter loves you, she was frustrated and lashed out and you happened to be there and took it all.

Thank goodness you are there to absorb her hurt, some kids don't have that and end up doing bad things.............

(Our local high school has had 6 kids commit suicide since the beginning of the school year.

My granddaughter's rival middle school had a student take a gun to school with the intention of killing people,

he went in the restroom and shot himself (they think accidentally)...he'd dead.)

 

Go easy on yourself and be good to yourself!

From what I noticed, you are a wonderful person who gives so much time, energy & love to those around you.

You seem like such a strong woman, but we can't be strong every moment - we are only human.

 

Ok, now I'm rambling.......

 

 

[Sazerac]

" You--->Your Life---->Your Quit " (Cristóbal)

 

and

 

"NOPE"  

 

Hang in there, there are brighter days ahead.

S

[Phoebe2]

As Jillar said, you were never going to buy those fags at the end of the day. Your quit is much stronger this time. You just wanted to push the envelope real close because you needed to express just how shItty life was treating you, which is perfectly understandable.

 

1. Issues with pre-teens. They are designed to test us (they are testing their boundaries. They are genetically wired to push us. That's one of the ways humans discover who they really are. So she's going to push your buttons BIG TIME. Pace yourself. It does get better. Much better. Just hang in there and give her boundaries and keep reassuring her you love her and that's all you have to do (and keep sane by doing whatever it is that makes that possible for you). Valium anyone?  It's normal. You'll survive it. So will your daughter.

 

2. Past failures and scary outcomes. You survived those past drama's. You will survive what may come. You have a few months to look for work. You will be ok. Ask for help. Pay someone to write your resume for you. Make it your mission to spend x amount of time per day taking steps to secure employment. And you never know .. your new place of employment may be the start of a whole new phase for you.

 

3. Here is my 'early in my quit, life couldn't get worse' story to make you laugh:

 

I needed my job because my ahole husband cheated on me with his old high school skank he re-met on FB and I kicked him out so I had to start working full time. My work manager was also an ahole by the way. I'm talking sexual harassment here. The icky awful kind. Made me sick. Early in my quit he said something vile to me and I took it to the top. While I had to wait for the shIt to hit the fan I had to keep working with him. I got through the shift counting the seconds until I could just go home. Finally my shift came to an end. I walked to the car park (midnight), got into my car, breathed a huge sigh of relief and started to drive off. Flat tyre. No hubby to call to rescue me.Had to phone roadside assistance. They said they'd be there in 90 mins. 90 freaking minutes. I wanted a damn cigarette. I wanted one badly. I could have gone back inside and asked the night shift for one. But I didn't. I sat in my car and pondered on how crappy my life was. But I didn't smoke.

 

You will be ok too. We Aussies are made tough.

[Reciprocity]

Sorry to hear times are tough at the moment Jo Do what ya feel you have to do but I agree with what other's have said that it's good to just have a place to go where you know you'll be accepted as you are and especially in difficult days. Hold on to that quit for dear life, now more than ever. That's one shining star in your dark sky at the moment. Keep it and protect it with your life You'll be OK. Things change. They always do.

[WeegieWoman]

Awwww jo my aussie buddy, im sooo sorry to hear you are having a bad time of it. And hats off to you keeping your quit. Im hoping youll feel a bit better after a nights sleep. Dont be hard on yourself, youre a lovely woman and i bet youre a great mum. And redundancy...ive been through that. Yes crap...but i promise you will get through that. I dont know if oz is same as uk but 18 years redundancy payment might be chi ching. One door closes another door opens. Sending virtual hugs and some scotch whisky xxx

[Boo]

Tough times don't last.  Tough people do.

 

Hang in there Jo.

[notsmokinjo]

Thanks all...had some decent shut eye last night and with tge new day things are seemin better. Still know things are iffy with the quit seeing as there is a fair bit of nicodemon bsttling goin on. 

 

No softball today, which cos they all smoke is probs a good thing, so off ta visit all the grandparents an great grandparents... whick seein as they are all at opposite ends of the cemetery is a full day event... but will be havin a Devonshire Tea before the trip home.... is havin a cafe at te demetry an aussie thing? What do tgey call a Devy Tea in England?

[WeegieWoman]

We have a lovely place in glasgow one devonshire gardens im bringing you here for afternoon tea. We need to behave though or hopefully they put us in a quiet corner. Glad you are feeling better lovely 

[brand.new.ela]

Sending hugs, Jo. Life can be mean sometimes. But you’ve shown you’re strong and I’m proud of you. Many would have taken the easy way and smoked, you are firm and determined. We will help you in whatever we can. 

[Wee fluffy me]

(((((Aaawww Jo))))), my fellow smokebusters, you really are going through the mill with your darling little princess, she is a teen in training (its brutal I know) and trying to find her feet, I have experience of this , I've survived 5 little darlings and all they could throw at me..haha My thoughts are she's either angry (not getting her own way or some other wee thing has tipped those oooober sensitive scales) or she's hurting (worried about something maybe at school (does she have a solo talk or something like that coming up soon??) or something as silly as not having her fav jammies, socks or something like that to hand.. Either way you are her rock and she takes out her frustrations on you because she knows you can take it and more importantly will love her NO MATTER WHAT..  (they really don't realise that there words can crush us inside as we always stand tall for them)  And guess what she may well feel like a wee powder keg and need to vent  too.. I won't quote as it was hidden content but Iooks to me like she was lashing out at her rock cos she knows her rock will always stand tall infront of her to protect her... NO MATTER WHAT..  Then  there's the fact that you need to remember things have change since we were wee and teens are now teens way before they reach 13 not just in their thinking but their hormones kick in earlier too...Yay lucky us right. 

Don't be hard on yourself and do take most of what she says with a pinch of salt.. That's what us mammies are for  

 

Then we have the GO JO nearly but didn't have a fag..

Woohoo

Way to go Jo, you won another battle with your nicotine demon every battle you win you get so much stronger, you might not feel like it at the min but when things settle a wee bit you will realise how strong you really are and I promise it will give you a great boost and you will be so proud of yourself as I am of you for making the right choice and holding on by your bleeding and torn fingernails hunni..xx

 

 

Geez oh.. just realised I have havered on a wee bit to much.. Sorry..

Edited March 10, 2018 by Wee fluffy me
Ooopps I'm havering..!!

[notsmokinjo]

Thanks Wee, haver as much as ya want. 

[c9jane29]

(((Jo)) This is life. You can't for get that she is her own person. Where things might be nothing to you, it might be a huge deal for her. Kids are weird, my son will get upset about things that happened like 3 days ago, and have a meltdown Sunday night because someone said he had big ears Tuesday on the play ground so...just make sure you are really listening to her (not thinking of what to say when she gets done talking, but really listening.) 

Anyway, being mom sucks sometimes, but at least doing it non smoking is one less guilt trip to  keep you up at night. ETQ!!  

[despair not]

Jo

 

Dont let the dad do all the fun stuff with her you need some quality time too.

 

Maybe you could pay a professional to do your cv with your quit money/saving from not smoking.

 

I bet if the dad had her for a month she will clamour to get back to mum.

[Giveintowin]

How are you today, Jo?

 

 

[notsmokinjo]

Gettin there, less yearnings for a durry  but about the same with the doom an gloom.