I don't want to smoke anymore. I can't take it.

[Berkshiredrifter]

Hi everyone. My name is Jon. I am a 31 year old smoker. I have been smoking for around ten years now. I have about 10 months worth of abstinence in that year. I had to quit for four months due to military training and picked them right back up when I graduated. First one made me feel sick. I kept smoking again.

Years later, I lived in the Northeast US and twice I powered through the withdrawls cold turkey. Twice I made it around 90 days, and twice I relapsed in the smoking area at work. Two different relapses, two different jobs, same trigger which was work stress.

The withdrawls were bad day one. Day two they were awful. Day three was hell. Day four was weird, super foggy headed and depressed, but it was a tiny bit better than day three and It just got slightly easier every single day after day three. In a week it was bearable, and eventually it got to be so I didn't have a craving unless other people were smoking at work. Then at around the 90 day mark, stress at work hit and wammy! I had a cigarette. Both times I quit it went exactly like that. Life as a non smoker was awesome and I want it back.

Now Im 31. I want to quit again and I want to never have another cigarette. I have tried several times to make it through the withdrawls and I just cant quit. Both of my parents died before I was 13 and they both died from smoking. My mother from lung cancer. My father from a series of strokes. They died less than a year apart. I swear to God Im not making that up.

At night, sometimes I wake up from a nightmare or just to use the bathroom and my heart is beating so hard that the blanket is moving on my chest. My lung capacity is garbage now. I get a sharp pain in my chest at night and every day I live in fear of a heart attack or Cancer. You should have seen what it did to her. I have GERD and Post Traumatic Stress. Smoking makes my PTSD worse. It hurts my stomach. Im underweight cause I can't eat. My teeth are rotting and blackening. And I can't stop. No matter how hard I try. Im so depressed and I just cant quit.

The end of this week, I am going to commit myself to a hospital for PTSD treatment. I am not suicidal or violent. I just need help. I should be there around a week. They are willing to fill my PTSD scripts and provide a week of residential phsychiatric treatment and I'm going to take it. LOCK ME UP AND TAKE MY SMOKES! I have the opportunity to get rid of them now and never have another smoke ever. Im still young and I can physically recover and live a normal lifespan and I want to.

This next week is going to be really hard and really scary, but so was Afghanistan. I survived it, and it cost me. This might cost me some pain, suffering and friends but it's for the best.

I am going to check in here, tomorrow night and then again, shortly before I hospitalize myself. I will do treatment at the hospital for the week (or so) and then I will be back on the forum or support. LOL probably a lot.

I can do this and I can't wait to be able to breathe again. I am going to quit and I am going to live as long as I can.

[Doreensfree]

Hi and welcome Jon..

You are still very young...and have not been smoking for decades ,alot of us here have...

I'm sorry for the loss of both your parents..smoking has taken too many loved ones ...

Getting the right help you need for your PTSD..is the first most important thing...when you are feeling stronger...we would love to help you quit smoking..

Your seat on the train ,will be waiting for you..you can do it...it makes a massive difference to have the right knowledge and support to beat this monster once and for all..

I'm looking forward to getting to know you better...

Why not stay around a while first,and read some great info ,on the main board,there are great videos to watch too..

Just look for the green square pinned threads..on our main page...post here as often as you want ..someone will be here to listen ..

[Boo]

Welcome aboard Jon.

 

You have a lot on your plate right now, but fortunately quitting smoking is very doable.  You want to be free and that freedom is attainable with a singular commitment: never smoke again.  It's that simple.  The choice is yours.

 

First things first, the phrase "I just can't quit"...get rid of that.  That phrase becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.  If you tell yourself you can't, you likely won't.  You can quit.  Absolutely, positively, without a doubt, you can quit.

 

Quitting is a simple matter, you simply refrain from putting things in your mouth and setting them on fire.  Add to that education about nicotine addiction, dispelling the myths and lies we conditioned ourselves to believe about cigarettes, and you've laid a rock-solid foundation for a smokefree life.

 

Fully commit to this process and the process will reward you in ways you never foresaw.

[bakon]

Read and learn NOPE. 

Read more and practice NOPE.

 

You know cold turkey works....so do it.

[Reciprocity]

You have received some great advice already Jon. Welcome to the forum. And even though you are not from the country I live in, I want to thank you for your service. It's so important to all of us to have a strong military!

 

I would agree that you need to get your PTSD addressed first and foremost. A clear mind will be an asset in navigating through the early part of your quit. You have quit before so you KNOW it's doable. Please do read all you can and watch as many of the Joel videos as you can too. Understanding this addiction and how it works is a critical component in not only quitting but staying quit long term.

 

You used the term "abstinence" earl on in your introduction. That is what you've been doing in earlier quits .... abstaining, not really quitting! You have not really taken smoking off the table as an option in your life. You still believe that smoking has and will do something good for you, which is not at all true when you really examine and understand what smoking is and how the addiction works in fooling us into believing it's our friend; our crutch in day to day life. That's where the education comes in Jon. Once you finally and truly understand just what smoking is, you will WANT to turn your back on this evil addiction. You will be happy to be rid of it

[Oldybutmouldy]

Welcome John....   I learned early, as you probably also did, that there is no i in team....   great that you use 'I will'... but remember the last word...   will!  

 

You are right.... you made it through afghanistan then you can also do this....   the board will be here, as the info is also here.  Use Joel's video's till you can repeat them word for word.

Take care and safe hugs... J

 

 

 

[NADA]

Hope your PTSD treatment goes well Jon.

 

I too woke up in absolute panic attacks due to breathing issues on a near nightly basis.  Quitting smoking completely turned that around.  I'm healthier than ever and my lung capacity feels limitless.  You can do this Jon.  A new you awaits. 

[PeaceTrain]

Hoping for the best outcome for you with your PTSD treatment!  One thing I do know is, even though it doesn't feel like it when you're a smoker, smoking actually worsens anxiety.  Anxiety feeds on stimulants like nicotine, so smoking makes you even more anxious than you already would be from the PTSD You think smoking relaxes you but the only thing it's doing is relieving your withdrawal so you think it's making you feel good,  Anxiety and depression are kissing cousins, so you'll only be doing the very best thing you  can do for yourself by quitting smoking,  As you likely remember from previous quits, you feel infinitely better as a non-smoker. Hope to see you back here feeling better and ready to settle in for a nice long ride on the train. 

[JB 883]

Both your parents died of smoking related illness.

With that in mind, just what is it going to take for YOU to stop smoking? Who would even WANT to start smoking after watching their folks both die of it?

 

That along with sharp pains in your chest, yeah it MIGHT be time to quit. Who knows how much damage is done BUT - you will be pleased with how much better you will feel when you quit smoking.

 

 

[Doreensfree]

Never thought I could quit either Jon..

But the wonderful news is you can ...anybody can...you need the tools to work with...

We can give you those tools..trust me....as a team ,it's doable....give it your best shot...

You have nothing to lose..and could gain soooooo much ....x

[Berkshiredrifter]

7 hours ago, PeaceTrain said:

Hoping for the best outcome for you with your PTSD treatment!  One thing I do know is, even though it doesn't feel like it when you're a smoker, smoking actually worsens anxiety.  Anxiety feeds on stimulants like nicotine, so smoking makes you even more anxious than you already would be from the PTSD You think smoking relaxes you but the only thing it's doing is relieving your withdrawal so you think it's making you feel good,  Anxiety and depression are kissing cousins, so you'll only be doing the very best thing you  can do for yourself by quitting smoking,  As you likely remember from previous quits, you feel infinitely better as a non-smoker. Hope to see you back here feeling better and ready to settle in for a nice long ride on the train. 

Thank you everyone. I need a lot of support to do this, and everyone has made me feel really welcome. I appreciate the sincere and warm welcome. 

Peace Train, you really nailed it. I mean you NAILED IT. Smoking really does make my PTSD worse. The smell of cigarettes is in every memory I have of that place. Every time I light a cigarette I get dragged back to Highway 4. Its horrible.

I cant wait to go to treatment tomorrow. I feel really blessed being able to get help with this. Its not just my physical health guys, PTSD is hell and I can't recover from it if Im smoking. 

My heart does weird stuff now. It skips beats. It sputters. It lurches. I'm afraid of a heart attack. 

An hour later withdrawal sets in and I cannot adequately describe the level of anger. "Rage" is not a sufficient word. It's like a black river of anger that is somehow colder and yet makes me pour sweat and shiver. It is of such force and such magnitude that I think I might physically explode. With this comes self loathing, an equally massive feeling. 

Dysphoria. So outside I go. And I light a cigarette. And I smell the smoke and I think about how much older I am. And I count dead people. And I think about my mom. And I remember my truck in Afghanistan, the patrols and every personal failure. "I call it playing "I regret".

Then my Cigarette is gone and I go back to pretending I'm normal.

Going to the hospital tomorrow. I cannot live like this. This isn't even living, and when the things you do to yourself every day make you feel like you are dying you can't even call it survival. 

 

 

 

 

[Doreensfree]

32 minutes ago, Berkshiredrifter said:

Thank you everyone. I need a lot of support to do this, and everyone has made me feel really welcome. I appreciate the sincere and warm welcome. 

Peace Train, you really nailed it. I mean you NAILED IT. Smoking really does make my PTSD worse. The smell of cigarettes is in every memory I have of that place. Every time I light a cigarette I get dragged back to Highway 4. Its horrible.

I cant wait to go to treatment tomorrow. I feel really blessed being able to get help with this. Its not just my physical health guys, PTSD is hell and I can't recover from it if Im smoking. 

My heart does weird stuff now. It skips beats. It sputters. It lurches. I'm afraid of a heart attack. 

An hour later withdrawal sets in and I cannot adequately describe the level of anger. "Rage" is not a sufficient word. It's like a black river of anger that is somehow colder and yet makes me pour sweat and shiver. It is of such force and such magnitude that I think I might physically explode. With this comes self loathing, an equally massive feeling. 

Dysphoria. So outside I go. And I light a cigarette. And I smell the smoke and I think about how much older I am. And I count dead people. And I think about my mom. And I remember my truck in Afghanistan, the patrols and every personal failure. "I call it playing "I regret".

Then my Cigarette is gone and I go back to pretending I'm normal.

Going to the hospital tomorrow. I cannot live like this. This isn't even living, and when the things you do to yourself every day make you feel like you are dying you can't even call it survival. 

 

 

 

 

Jon..

You have my prayers...I hope you find the help you need this coming week ...

When you are ready for our help...we will be here....

My best to you xx

[Berkshiredrifter]

Haha ha you simply refrain from putting things in your mouth and lighting them on fire. That made me smile and it felt really good

[Reciprocity]

Wishing you the very best Jon with your treatment. As said previously, we are here when you need support. Our light is always on and our door is always open

[Nancy]

Prayers going with you, Jon!

[Berkshiredrifter]

I just got back from the hospital. They would not admit me. I spoke to a doctor tonight who was ice cold. Ice cold. Did not care about my chest pains and would not examine me. Did not care that I was supposed to be admitted to psychiatric for treatment. I told him I was ideating suicide at the end and he said "well, ok, you are free to leave." I swear to god Im not making it up. I just walked an hour home. Alone. In the cold. 

The Hospital was St. Peters in Olympia Washington 

[Reciprocity]

Is there anywhere else you can go. Perhaps another Dr. who has treated you in the past?

 

[Doreensfree]

Aww sweetheart...I'm sorry and speecchles...

Reci is right ,you need to talk to someone else..

Here in the UK,we have a careline number ,which gives advice to people who are in need of help...if there is anything similar in your part of the woods ,maybe they could help..

Your in my prayers xx

[Berkshiredrifter]

I reported the Doctor at the hospital. 

I was really upset this morning, but Im ready to refocus. I have another mental health appointment in a few days. If I end up not being able to go to residential treatment, I formulated another plan this morning. A friend of mine quit smoking recently, he is also a veteran. I'm going to tell him all the trouble Im having and see if he will let me stay at his house for a week. I would have constant support, no access to nicotine, peace and quiet in the yard...I dont know why I didnt think of it sooner.

Not gonna give up no matter what. 

I will be back on the forum when I quit. 

[Reciprocity]

Please let us know how things unfold for you. I hope your appointment next week will be a positive thing for you.

Quitting smoking is very important but, in my opinion, your mental health must take top priority at this point. Please don't try to take on too much all at once. Wishing you all the best. Please let us know when you can how things are going.

[Cristóbal]

On 27/12/2017 at 10:49 PM, Berkshiredrifter said:

Hi everyone. My name is Jon. I am a 31 year old smoker. I have been smoking for around ten years now. I have about 10 months worth of abstinence in that year. I had to quit for four months due to military training and picked them right back up when I graduated. First one made me feel sick. I kept smoking again.

Years later, I lived in the Northeast US and twice I powered through the withdrawls cold turkey. Twice I made it around 90 days, and twice I relapsed in the smoking area at work. Two different relapses, two different jobs, same trigger which was work stress.

The withdrawls were bad day one. Day two they were awful. Day three was hell. Day four was weird, super foggy headed and depressed, but it was a tiny bit better than day three and It just got slightly easier every single day after day three. In a week it was bearable, and eventually it got to be so I didn't have a craving unless other people were smoking at work. Then at around the 90 day mark, stress at work hit and wammy! I had a cigarette. Both times I quit it went exactly like that. Life as a non smoker was awesome and I want it back.

Now Im 31. I want to quit again and I want to never have another cigarette. I have tried several times to make it through the withdrawls and I just cant quit. Both of my parents died before I was 13 and they both died from smoking. My mother from lung cancer. My father from a series of strokes. They died less than a year apart. I swear to God Im not making that up.

At night, sometimes I wake up from a nightmare or just to use the bathroom and my heart is beating so hard that the blanket is moving on my chest. My lung capacity is garbage now. I get a sharp pain in my chest at night and every day I live in fear of a heart attack or Cancer. You should have seen what it did to her. I have GERD and Post Traumatic Stress. Smoking makes my PTSD worse. It hurts my stomach. Im underweight cause I can't eat. My teeth are rotting and blackening. And I can't stop. No matter how hard I try. Im so depressed and I just cant quit.

The end of this week, I am going to commit myself to a hospital for PTSD treatment. I am not suicidal or violent. I just need help. I should be there around a week. They are willing to fill my PTSD scripts and provide a week of residential phsychiatric treatment and I'm going to take it. LOCK ME UP AND TAKE MY SMOKES! I have the opportunity to get rid of them now and never have another smoke ever. Im still young and I can physically recover and live a normal lifespan and I want to.

This next week is going to be really hard and really scary, but so was Afghanistan. I survived it, and it cost me. This might cost me some pain, suffering and friends but it's for the best.

I am going to check in here, tomorrow night and then again, shortly before I hospitalize myself. I will do treatment at the hospital for the week (or so) and then I will be back on the forum or support. LOL probably a lot.

I can do this and I can't wait to be able to breathe again. I am going to quit and I am going to live as long as I can.

 

Hello Jon,

 

Welcome to QuitTrain !!!

 

When you threw your quits away, you did this because you believed that smoking still offered to you some benefits.

 

You may think that smoking would help with your work stress, but the reality of this is that it is simply a lie that nicotine addiction generates in your brain.

After we quit, we need to understand that we will be facing situation triggers in which our brain tell us that we should smoke.

When we experience these triggers, we learn to recognize them for what they are (false mental reminder signals to smoke), and wait until they pass (they always do).

Then, next time you experience the same situation that was a trigger, often the trigger is very weak or simply does not happen again.

Understanding these events, are why education about the process of quitting smoking is so important. This forum can help you with this education.

 

This video helps explain, why smoking makes us believe that it helps us with stress.....and more importantly, why in reality, it does not.

 

 

 

Cristóbal

Edited December 31, 2017 by Cristóbal

[Tink]

The fact that you want to quit smoking is a very positive move forward, the fact that you are seeking help with your PTSD is another step forward in the right direction, you really have to be your own advocate, mental health awareness has a lot to be desired both in UK and USA, I strongly suggest you get in touch with veteran charities who will understand your mind set better, staying with your buddy if you can seems a good idea, even if you cant stay maybe he can help you find a charity.

 

You were a soldier that means you ARE a soldier that never leaves you!  you are a fighter and YOU matter, so one step at at a time, go get better, there is no magic pill or wand that will take away the pain but seeking help is the first step, good luck. we are here when you are ready!

[Doreensfree]

Wishing you well Jon...

Talking one day at a time ..goes for everything we all have to deal with... that life throws at us..

We will be here for you my friend..when you are ready...x

[PeaceTrain]

Jon, I just saw your posts- I'm sorry to hear what you're going through. Despite these setbacks you're handling things in an incredibly brilliant and insightful way  from reporting that doctor to finding and utilizing appropriate support till your next appointment. Like others have said, we're here for you when you're ready. Best wishes. 

[Berkshiredrifter]

Sorry for bumping my thread. Just chgainingin.

I am gaining motivation, running out of options. Spoke to a caseworker and have an appointment monday for another mental health triage. If that doesnt work out, its off to an alternative safe environment. Monday is my last day smoking either way. 

I have accepted that Nicotine is a powerful and addictive psychoactive drug. And I have accepted the fact that there is no quality of life while addicted.

The easiest way out is just to quit smoking. And when this is done, I am  never, ever, ever putting that garbage in my body ever again.

I will post when I take my last dose, and throughout the detox and recovery phases.