Maybe my petulant child rant might resonate ;)

[Still winning]

Just blogged this and then thought it may resonate with someone else or help, or maybe someone will have a brilliant thought that helps me.. If not, then it just is how I am today. x

 

I am at no risk of smoking still, that's good but I am bored senseless of this inane internal drivel, could smoke/don't smoke, that goes through my head every day. I don't even know how I would explain it but I still have the same thoughts of times when I would smoke. For sure they are less frequent then they were. For definate they are not the gut wrenching craves of days gone by and haven't been for a long time. Just like a fly really that keeps buzzing around you and getting right on your last nerve. I would smoke here, yeah but you don't smoke anymore, yeah but I did and I could, but I don't want to ... and so on.

I am certain I do not want to smoke, absolutely sure that it holds nothing for me.... I tried to be every type of smoker, social, evenings only, weekends etc and in each dismal attempt it led me to here, to this place that says "I am very good at smoking, NOPE is my only option". I know this, I actually feel relief at this, it's honestly easier for me not to smoke anymore than to try and cut down, or wait with that buzzing of want being so very loud...this is honestly much easier.

So why doesn't it seem to shut up?? 

That voice..

I faced it down and it's getting right on my nerves now. I could understand if there was even a small chance that I wanted to or would smoke, but there's really not. If it was an an actual fly buzzing around I'd be going Mr Miyagi on his sorry butt right about now!!

Really bored, are we there yet!! 

[action]

It's hard to explain but one day you will just stop having those thoughts, and you probably won't even notice!

 

Personally I think you are doing great, but I agree that that 'feeling' you are having at the moment is annoying... I can only promise you that it does go away !!

[Jonny5]

I think that they are the dying embers of triggers that you have rewritten.

 

Action sums it up very well that you just stop having those thoughts.

 

in time you get retrospective thoughts about smoking, in the sense of you realise that you hadn't thought about smoking, sounds odd I know lol  these feelings are a happy feeling rather than an annoying one, it's kind of like a relief, pride, and an affirmation that you've got this in the bag, all rolled into one if that makes sense?

 

Action, would you say that your experience with realising that you didn't think about smoking during your stressful week was like that?

[El Bandito]

Nearly there Marti...

 

Last week it was really winding me up. My mind was entertaining the concept of relapse. In a sort of 'not going to happen' way but a sort of "ooh, I could smoke a cigarette now" way.

 

Kept saying nope. Maybe stamped my feet once or twice. It's annoying I know.

 

The junky keeps prodding and poking - seeing if he gets a reaction...when he doesn't - he sort of goes to sleep (If Sharon comes in on this thread she would be shouting "sleeping Chimp!")

 

You and me - we are addicts. However, through abstinence we put the addiction to sleep. In times of high stress or just long forgotten triggers - the idea of smoking will come up - the addiction will lazily open its eye. You and I will laugh to ourselves and say "No, thanks. I stopped smoking umm...last year, no the year before"

 

Your junky is dozing off. He is still fidgety. He is poking and prodding, but you can see his eyes drooping.

 

Patience Grasshopper

[action]

I think that they are the dying embers of triggers that you have rewritten.

 

Action sums it up very well that you just stop having those thoughts.

 

in time you get retrospective thoughts about smoking, in the sense of you realise that you hadn't thought about smoking, sounds odd I know lol  these feelings are a happy feeling rather than an annoying one, it's kind of like a relief, pride, and an affirmation that you've got this in the bag, all rolled into one if that makes sense?

 

Action, would you say that your experience with realising that you didn't think about smoking during your stressful week was like that?

Yes, as I only noticed that I hadn't thought about it until today, 2 days later... It feels like I turned a corner for sure :)

[Colleen]

Marti,

I once thought of smoking constantly, I am talking ALL day and ALL night.  My quit was started in June and it must have been late August or early September, I just couldn't get the thoughts out of my head.  I thought I must be going mad or it was a quitting related OCD.  I had taken a break from the board and once I came back they started to disappear.     

 

For me it was a gradual, I just thought of smoking less and less as time went by.  One day it just hit me, I couldn't remember the time before that I had thought of smoking.  

[Jonny5]

Yes, as I only noticed that I hadn't thought about it until today, 2 days later... It feels like I turned a corner for sure :)

 

That is fantastic mate, I remember the feeling myself, for me it was kind of like I gained some trust in myself and in the process, through actual tangible proof.  these epiphanies if you like, keep happening throughout your journey, and each one feels wonderful :-)

[Jonny5]

Yes, as I only noticed that I hadn't thought about it until today, 2 days later... It feels like I turned a corner for sure :)

 

 

That is fantastic mate, I remember the feeling myself, for me it was kind of like I gained some trust in myself and in the process, through actual tangible proof.  these epiphanies if you like, keep happening throughout your journey, and each one feels wonderful :-)

 

I guess what I am saying Marti, is trust in the process, I promise you that it will get better all by itself, just keep putting in the legwork, and your rewards will follow :-)

[Still winning]

Lol patience is not my bag :)  But ok, just keep swimming ey, will do.

 

I guess I have the knowledge that I'm done to "keep me warm" because I know I am an addict type smoker who chooses not to smoke anymore.  That, for me, brings a high level of comfort.  I will not live in fear, I know too much and worked too hard to get this place and I won't deny it.  I didn't do this the easy peasy way, if only I had of read the book before quitting. I did it the oh hey I'm having a good day and oh my god I'm crying and clawing my way through days.  If I'm really honest, even with thse bad days I expected it to be worse?  I mean I don't even know what I was scared of, but I spent years being afraid to try and quit cause I was told it's too hard.

 

I don't know all the in's and out's of this journey by a longshot and I'm nowhere near there, in fact I'm not entirely sure what my "there" really is. Perhaps it's what Action describes, perhaps that's my there. Perhaps it's years down the line when every possible trigger has been faced. I can't and won't speak for anyone else and their way of getting there, I can only know mine, but I know. For today, it's enough to know I don't smoke anymore and I do that by choice. 

[Still winning]

PS Action, virtual hi five dude - I am so pleased you got through all that tripe without disturbing smoke thoughts. Way to go!!

[Jonny5]

Lol patience is not my bag :)  But ok, just keep swimming ey, will do.

 

I guess I have the knowledge that I'm done to "keep me warm" because I know I am an addict type smoker who chooses not to smoke anymore.  That, for me, brings a high level of comfort.  I will not live in fear, I know too much and worked too hard to get this place and I won't deny it.  I didn't do this the easy peasy way, if only I had of read the book before quitting. I did it the oh hey I'm having a good day and oh my god I'm crying and clawing my way through days.  If I'm really honest, even with thse bad days I expected it to be worse?  I mean I don't even know what I was scared of, but I spent years being afraid to try and quit cause I was told it's too hard.

 

I don't know all the in's and out's of this journey by a longshot and I'm nowhere near there, in fact I'm not entirely sure what my "there" really is. Perhaps it's what Action describes, perhaps that's my there. Perhaps it's years down the line when every possible trigger has been faced. I can't and won't speak for anyone else and their way of getting there, I can only know mine, but I know. For today, it's enough to know I don't smoke anymore and I do that by choice. 

 

in the many quits that I've watched, I would say that you are well on course to "getting there"  You have all the right attitudes and commitment, those two things are amongst the biggest stumbling blocks to success for many people. and when personally you do get there.... well you'll know, you really will just know, and it's all good, very very good, and it's like the biggest ever sigh of relief :-)

[babs609]

i think once I started having conversations with this voice...I was able to accept it a little better

 

like

 

"oh really asshole?  I don't think so"

 

or

 

"nice try dum dum...but I'm not smoking"

 

or

 

"you are stupid"

 

or

 

"i'm smarter than you, you jerk"

 

things like that.....that's why I like calling these thoughts the "nicodemon"...helped me differentiate between these thoughts I had no control over (nicodemon)....versus what I did with those thoughts. (me)

[Still winning]

That's a big part of it isn't it Babs, you are effectively arguing with yourself?!  I don't think I will ever be ok with that but it's true for most people I think. x

[Jonny5]

That's a big part of it isn't it Babs, you are effectively arguing with yourself?!  I don't think I will ever be ok with that but it's true for most people I think. x

 

this is it in a nutshell, it's your desire to quit vs your desire to smoke

[babs609]

That's a big part of it isn't it Babs, you are effectively arguing with yourself?! I don't think I will ever be ok with that but it's true for most people I think. x

Not really arguing with myself. When thoughts pop up out of nowhere...whether smoking related or not....I have no control over them. I'll be walking along...minding my own business and BAM... There's the thought. I can't control it...so, how can that really be me??

 

It's only what I choose to do with that thought in the next second...that's me.

 

Anyway....it's what helped me get where I am and it helps with negative thinking in general.

 

Try to push a thought away and it comes back even stronger....but talk to it...and it goes away.

It works. :)

[comrade simba]

Maybe every tenth time I walk by a beer cooler or aisle at a store the beer alarm will go off. It's no big deal  and I sort of do the same thing babs does. "Uh huh yeah right can't wait to sleep under a bridge soon" or the likes... and then just move on. I quit drinking 14 years ago.

I figure in the future that's the way it will be if I walk by a cigarette rack or something. Time takes time. A forty year habit integral with every aspect of life from first thing in the morning to last thing at night isn't going away poof just like that. It's annoying, but it IS.

[Jonny5]

Not really arguing with myself. When thoughts pop up out of nowhere...whether smoking related or not....I have no control over them. I'll be walking along...minding my own business and BAM... There's the thought. I can't control it...so, how can that really be me??

 

It's only what I choose to do with that thought in the next second...that's me.

 

Anyway....it's what helped me get where I am and it helps with negative thinking in general.

 

Try to push a thought away and it comes back even stronger....but talk to it...and it goes away.

It works. :)

 

that makes a lot of sense, I like that.

[Still winning]

I get the time thing comrade, and you're probably right in that those fleeting thoughts will be a reason for pause in future. 

 

Babs, I face everything head on if it needs tacking, or ignore it if its not to do with me, so yeah I took the craves on headfirst.  I think my 3 hour one woman immovable protest where I literally stared at the cigs I wanted to smoke whilst posting on here told me it was always my choice.  I still feel like a bit of a headjob and that I'm arguing with myself tho, even tho you put it really nicely :) xx

[Jonny5]

Maybe every tenth time I walk by a beer cooler or aisle at a store the beer alarm will go off. It's no big deal  and I sort of do the same thing babs does. "Uh huh yeah right can't wait to sleep under a bridge soon" or the likes... and then just move on. I quit drinking 14 years ago.

I figure in the future that's the way it will be if I walk by a cigarette rack or something. Time takes time. A forty year habit integral with every aspect of life from first thing in the morning to last thing at night isn't going away poof just like that. It's annoying, but it IS.

 

Yes, I'm pretty sure that is how it will feel for you in the future.

 

It's good that you can call upon your experience of how your feelings evolved towards alcohol, and apply them logically to how you imagine you will navigate the nicotine cessation.

 

I found the same to be true, but the other way around, for me my experience of quitting smoking, and the evolution of my feelings helped me sort of pre navigate how I would respond to the emotional side of alcohol cessation.

 

there are many lessons to be learned from every facet of our pasts.

[Amy]

That's a big part of it isn't it Babs, you are effectively arguing with yourself?!  I don't think I will ever be ok with that but it's true for most people I think. x

I had mentioned this in one of my blogs- The good brain and the bad brain. One part wants to smoke and the other part is a non smoker.  I wonder when they merge and become one and stop arguing?

[El Bandito]

I had mentioned this in one of my blogs- The good brain and the bad brain. One part wants to smoke and the other part is a non smoker.  I wonder when they merge and become one and stop arguing?

The Chimp Paradox...

 

We have a little book club going on this...

[babs609]

I get the time thing comrade, and you're probably right in that those fleeting thoughts will be a reason for pause in future. 

 

Babs, I face everything head on if it needs tacking, or ignore it if its not to do with me, so yeah I took the craves on headfirst.  I think my 3 hour one woman immovable protest where I literally stared at the cigs I wanted to smoke whilst posting on here told me it was always my choice.  I still feel like a bit of a headjob and that I'm arguing with myself tho, even tho you put it really nicely :) xx

Lol. I may be a headjob.....but in a happy headjob. That's all that matters to me. :D

[El Bandito]

Lol. I may be a headjob.....but in a happy headjob. That's all that matters to me. :D

Is this a Private Happy Headjob Club - or can any Headjob join? :D

[babs609]

Is this a Private Happy Headjob Club - or can any Headjob join? :D

The more the merrier el bandito!! Headjobs everywhere need to unite!! :D

[Still winning]

Amy, I dunno but the whole yes I am/no I'm not thing is laughably strange to me. I do feel like a nutter :)  I am a happy non smoking nutter on the whole so will take it as a win, as will you :)  I think but am by no means any form of expert, that there are stages to quitting. I am a people watcher, now a site people watcher lol. It seems everyone has experienced similar but with their twist of personality on it. So ie, those that are shy, have posted little and read more, but gone through similar timeframes...those that like an argument have argued their way through time phases. I just talked all through it, that's me ;)  

 

I do hand on heart say this tho, what I feel today, is not what you are feeling today. You will push past and end up at this stage where it's annoying, rather then where you are where it's still quite controlling. Hugs ((Amy)). x