disappointed in myself - day two and relapsed.....again

[nervousnellie]

it's like i can't make it to 72 hours without relapsing.

 

i went to the post office like any other day, and while i was standing in line - my heart started racing. it got so bad that i started to shake and wound up getting out of line, turning around, and speed walked to my car. i sat there, rummaging through my middle console to get my phone charger out to put my phone on it [i get weird OCD moments when i start having a panic attack - the first thing i do is make sure my phone is charged in case of an emergency - weird, i know] plugged my phone in and noticed: cigarettes in the middle console. i closed the middle console up and put my SUV in reverse and drove, shaking terribly, until i got stuck at a red light about four miles from my house.

 

i am sitting there in the car and i start to shake even worse. i felt like my blood pressure dropped, blood sugar [i had OJ with me, so i slugged that down FAST] and i felt like my ears were going to fly off the sides of my head. i got super angsty sitting there because there was traffic ahead as well, so when i finally got to the red light line.....i took a left and decided i would try and avoid the traffic [traffic is a huge trigger for my panic disorder, by the way] and went another route. my heart started to race even more. i called my husband from the car while sitting at another red light with traffic and i could barely talk i was panicking so hard. because he is military he could not leave work but he sounded concerned - this was the first time in a VERY long time that i have had anything like this happen...panic attack wise. i got so shook up from the physical feelings going on that i hung up and just kept driving and praying i would make it home sooner than later. i opened the middle console up and did something that i have NEVER done before....i lit up a cigarette right then in there IN my car. as weird as this sounds because i am a smoker - i have never once smoked in my vehicle. not in my house. always always always outside. never even in a bar or place to eat when that was allowed, as weird as that sounds.

 

as soon as i took about 2-4 puffs, my heart started to slow down, the shaking started to subside, the ears flying off the side of my head feeling stopped - it died down after a few minutes after i smoked. [yes, i threw the pack out - there was only one left in it anyway]

 

what the heck can i do?

 

i feel like i am losing a battle. people tell me and others on message boards all of the time that you have to WANT to quit before you quit. if only people knew how badly i want to quit. if my husband was here right this second, he would tell each and every one that i have come in contact that he is almost sick of seeing how long i am on the laptop and computers in the house doing research. i watch scary commercials about why people should stop smoking - i have two journals almost filled with notes about how to go through withdrawal and how to stay strong - what i should do, plan of actions, etc.

 

i see all of these success stories and i am just THRILLED for people when i read them; but i immediately get depressed because i want to be them. i want to be able to throw cigarettes out the window and never look back. but the physical aspect of this is hard. i am not saying i cannot do them - i am saying i have not been able to do them and want to know the magic cure for this nonsense. i HATE CIGARETTES AND WHAT THEY ARE DOING TO ME AND MY LIFE! I WANT TO LIVE UNTIL I AM 120 GOSH DARN IT!

 

something i would like to ask, point out, whatever you want to call it......

 

i am reading on forums and facebook sites that people's cravings are almost in their abdomen. mine are in my chest - i don't know how to describe it, but it feels like a dog is sitting on my chest [doesn't hurt] and it's like how i remember feeling when i was a kid and found out we were going to disney world. it's an excited sort of feeling, but with this it's excited/anxious that turns into: OH MY GOODNESS, am i dying feeling....

 

sorry, i needed to vent - looking for help here. i am disappointed in myself, before anyone else tells me how disappointed they are in me. i truly need help. and no, i am not using this as an excuse but with my panic disorder - i really do need to be seen by the doctor tomorrow at the appointment i made. i truly believe there is something else wrong. but maybe some of you all felt that way as well when you first started your quit?

 

 

[nervousnellie]

sorry sorry sorry - i also wanted to say what i have/had been doing:

 

i have been drinking water all day - i do not drink caffeine or anything else because of my panic disorder. i have not had anything else to drink other than OJ and cranberry juice since i gave caffeine up six years ago when it was suggested by my old doctor because of my panic disorder.

 

drinking OJ several times a day [small travel bottles, i will drink one and a half throughout the day with water]

 

cranberry juice in the morning and at night - i heard that helps get toxins out faster.

 

lots of fresh fruits, yogurt - and i am eating the same as always - good, balanced meals.

 

bananas are my go to - not sure why, but i love bananas and i know it helps your digestion, too.

 

chewing regular gum [not nicotine gum, yuck for me]

 

i do have some werther's hard candies that i will have every so often during the day when i do not feel like gum.

 

i feel like i am doing what i am supposed to, but then i start feeling like i am going to die and then bam, cigarette.

[Doreensfree]

Nellie..

Wow this sounds over whelming..its a good thing you are seeing a doctor tomorrow...

I hope he can help with the panic attacks...

We can only support you on your journey.

The work has to come from you..only you can get yourself through the early days were your body IS going to scream out for nicotine..

Every one of us..has started at day one...

Never give up..trying to give up...

[nervousnellie]

thank you :)

[Boo]

Nicotine cravings can be mentally uncomfortable, but will typically not produce the kind of physical effects you are describing.  Nicotine addiction is one thing.  Anxiety issues are another thing.  As difficult as it may seem, I would suggest you try to keep the two separate and deal with each accordingly.

 

Addiction is insidious and we build many false constructs and logical fallacies through the years of conditioning we put ourselves through.  In the early days of a quit we want to affirm consequences.  

 

Premise: I quit smoking.

Premise: I had a panic attack after I quit.

False conclusion: Quitting smoking causes panic attacks.

 

Cigarettes were our crutch for a long time.  We gave the cigarette much more credit than it ever deserved and believed we couldn't live without them.  In reality smoking only solves the problem it created: nicotine withdrawal.  Everything else we credit the cigarette with doing for us is a myth created by an addicted mind.  

[joe]

I'm not trying to sound harsh, but the fact that you had cigarettes handy is evidence that you are not ready to quit... If you keep anything related to smoking around and in reach, you are setting yourself up for failure... The time it takes to actually drive somewhere to buy a pack is enough time for the craving to pass and talk yourself out of getting them.

The " panic disorder" you describe sounds exactly like withdrawals from nicotine... You have to push through it. It's rough! There is only 1 way to quit smoking....... and that is to ....quit smoking!!..

I slept as often as I could because that was the only time I wasn't feeling the pains of withdrawal.... When awake, I stayed busy...even if it was something I wouldn't normally do...anything to keep my mind and hands busy... I would walk around the block ( I live in the country and a walk around e block is 4miles) I would walk as fast as I could and when I got home I felt like crap and had no desire to smoke....until the next craving...time is the only thing that helps ease the pain o

I know you are really trying, but you have to "stand your ground" ...you can't give in...it IS an addiction...no less than other drug addictions, and in many ways it's worse! Nicotine is legal, and (used to be) socially acceptable...and affordable, so besides the chemical dependency , there is the mental part that tells you it's perfectly ok (and legal) to do it, and you can get anyone who smokes to give you one...try that with a gram of coke!..

[Doreensfree]

Nellie..

Have to agree with Joe..

If you are quit..having cigarettes around..is a fail waiting to happen...

You must have had a lighter too..you need to question yourself..why ...

Next quit..throw it all away..non smokers don't have them lying about..

[sgt.barney]

If you wanted to be us ... you would be us.

 

Do you want to be us or do you want another cigarette?

 

It really comes down to nothing more than that simple question.

 

You *can* want them both, but that's a harsh dissonance. You have to want The One *more* than the other.

 

Guess which one.

 

 

 

Easy Peasy

[Reciprocity]

Review with your doctor tomorrow. The panic attacks add another layer of difficulty to your figuring out the right plan for your personal quit. There's really no way to avoid the anxiety that quitting smoking produces especially in the early days. Learning how to channel that anxiety without triggering panic attacks I guess is the question. Have the doc weigh in on that,. Also, as others said, make sure there's no smoking material handy - that's key.

[nervousnellie]

thanks

[nervousnellie]

sorry, hit send too soon.

 

i appreciate all of the comments and insight. although i wish i was making it up, i was diagnosed with severe panic disorder about six years ago by a doctor. it isn't in my head, unfortunately, although it has gotten much better. [with the exception of today]

 

i feel like anything i say will be viewed as me being defensive, because even i would sense it being defensive if anyone else were to type certain things out, but i at least wanted to say thank you for the kind words and encouragement.

[JimHannoonen]

Firstly, as others have said, you keeping cigarettes handy is not a sign that you're ready to quit. You can spew all the excuses you want as to why they may or may not have been in your car, but at the end of the day, you need to remove any and all smoking related things from your life. That's quitting smoking 101 right there.

 

I'm glad to see you're going to see a doctor about this. I'm sure that is going to be a big help.

 

I truly wish you the best, but you need to adjust your thinking.

 

Smoking must be taken out of the equation. When smoking is not an option, you won't smoke.

[nervousnellie]

Firstly, as others have said, you keeping cigarettes handy is not a sign that you're ready to quit. You can spew all the excuses you want as to why they may or may not have been in your car, but at the end of the day, you need to remove any and all smoking related things from your life. That's quitting smoking 101 right there.

 

I'm glad to see you're going to see a doctor about this. I'm sure that is going to be a big help.

 

I truly wish you the best, but you need to adjust your thinking.

 

Smoking must be taken out of the equation. When smoking is not an option, you won't smoke.

 

i didn't give/spew any excuses as to why they were in my car. they should not have been there, but were, and that is my doing - nobody elses.

 

thank you for your words.

[Reciprocity]

NN, I'm wondering how things went when you took on your opiate addiction (think that is what you had before?) as beating that addiction must have generated additional stress & anxiety for you. At least I assume it would anyway. Was your panic attack issue triggered then? I don't know the difference between quitting that addiction as opposed to smoking but I have to believe they both generate stress. Hopefully your doctor appt. tomorrow can shed some light on an appropriate course of action for you, given your circumstances.

[nervousnellie]

NN, I'm wondering how things went when you took on your opiate addiction (think that is what you had before?) as beating that addiction must have generated additional stress & anxiety for you. At least I assume it would anyway. Was your panic attack issue triggered then? I don't know the difference between quitting that addiction as opposed to smoking but I have to believe they both generate stress. Hopefully your doctor appt. tomorrow can shed some light on an appropriate course of action for you, given your circumstances.

 

when i got clean from opiates and did that detox at home for two weeks - i was so carefree back then. not a care in the world. :( i started having panic attacks when my husband and i got stuck in an underwater tunnel five years ago in the hampton roads area due to an accident that was ahead of us. we were stuck in the tunnel for about three hours. i had never experienced a panic attack prior to that. after that happened, every time i would get in the car and get stopped at a red light with cars around me - i would "freak out" so i went to the doctor and they diagnosed me with panic disorder and being on the spectrum of agoraphobic. i was housebound for two years after that. i can only travel about three miles past my house now, hence why i started to panic in traffic. although this is not an excuse for what i did today, hopefully that can explain a little bit about why i reacted the way i did?

 

about the pain pill addiction i had - it was for about nine years. the detox was done at home without the assistance of a medical professional or any medications. it was horrible, mostly digestive issues - legs being extremely restless [hence why i cling to bananas now, lol, they helped] and a few sleepless nights........and, everyone's favorite? cigarettes. i don't want to lie and tell you it was stressful because it wasn't for me, at the time. this was several years prior to being diagnosed with panic disorder and agoraphobia. when i went through that i had zero cares in the world. i wish i was the old me, without any cares and didn't have to mentally prepare myself for everything.

 

i hope that helps. sorry if i rambled at all - feeling cravings already from several hours ago when i smoked. i should have never set myself back. trying not to beat myself up over it too much, but i ramble when i am flustered, haha.

[nervousnellie]

side note: it took two weeks to detox from the percocet and vicodin i had taken daily for nine years. never went a day without the pills for that long of a time. i was feeling 75-90% better by day four. the withdrawals were bad but nothing like what i have experienced with quitting cigarettes, if that helps. after about five days, i had zero cravings and have since then not even taken any medication - not even over the counter things like tylenol or cold medication.

[Reciprocity]

Yeah OK, I kind of understand the panic attack issue a little better now that you have explained what happened. And yes, "the craves" will be worse now because you smoked. That's why we say you are back to the start when you take even one puff. It wakes the addiction again and that addiction wants to be fed! Fight that until you can see your doctor tomorrow. Hopefully he/she will be able to come up with some suggestions to handle the added anxiety from quitting smoking.

 

There is no other way around this issue than to just not smoke no matter what. If there are triggers that cause your panic attacks, you will have to avoid those while quitting smoking until you reprogram your brain not to immediately go to lighting up a smoke to relieve anxiety. It's possible to get there, it just takes a while :)

[Stewie]

There is a light at the end of the tunnel. The first week DO have a really strong grip on you. I had so many failed attempts failed at the first 2/3/7 days its ridiculous its like i was a failing machine, a serial quitter. And then one day i made it. What made me sucessful? I really dunno, dont have a magical solution for people relapsing in the first week. But i really suggest taking it one day at a time if i had to spit one single advice. Youll get there dont worry.

[GraceLove]

From what you've explained, I really do think you need to work with your doctor/therapist for your quit. I had to do that. In the end, it is as everyone stated, you just have to not smoke and go through it...but...when people are dealing with additional issues; such as panic disorder, bipolar disorder (me) or any other medical (physical or mental) issue, you have to have a plan made with your medical/support team. 

 

Anyone can quit smoking...but...people should have the correct support in order to do so safely.

[Stewie]

Yeah lad get all the support you need but you will still have to endure the first week. Its hell week, its hard, shits real lad, the only way to do it is to ******* do it.

[Reciprocity]

From what you've explained, I really do think you need to work with your doctor/therapist for your quit. I had to do that. In the end, it is as everyone stated, you just have to not smoke and go through it...but...when people are dealing with additional issues; such as panic disorder, bipolar disorder (me) or any other medical (physical or mental) issue, you have to have a plan made with your medical/support team. 

 

Anyone can quit smoking...but...people should have the correct support in order to do so safely.

^^^ This :good:

[Dee]

Help is here for the smoking issues as for the other you need experienced professional people. But nobody has ever died from quitting so that should be reassuring to you. It will get better

[nervousnellie]

Thank you all for the kind words. It's a good thing I went to the doctor. I also have been set up with a health coach for smoking cessation with cold turkey along with a local counselor here in my area for the anxiety and panic disorder. I get my blood results back on Monday, but they did notice my blood sugar being extremely low [59] and made me drink some orange juice while I was there. They said this is a side effect, but shouldn't be this low so early on in my quit. Looking forward to Monday's results and keeping up my quit since earlier yesterday, albeit extremely hard. Mind over matter!

[Reciprocity]

Glad you are on what sounds like a good path to being able to handle your quit safely and successfully :)

[nervousnellie]

thank you - i am, too.