I'm coming back.....

[...]

Tiff how you doing...

Having one crave after another. Kinda sucks. Feeling rather emotional about it. But taking it 5 minutes at a time. Thought comes through to just go smoke one..... Then I remind myself how it really makes me feel....... I hate that feeling. I know mentally it will go away with time..... But I seem to focusing on emotions right now. Mind over matter.... Right ?

 

Keep whatever avatar is good for YOU !  What it reminds me of matters not.

No biggie. It's just a picture.

 

I couldn't get past just thinking I won't smoke today..forever..no chance! I missed, romanced and that happened most days... I knew the truth, had read enough..lord had read my Alan Carr book till my eyes bled. Knew, it was lies...still romanced. So I just thought just a day..I'll do today...time passed of course and I got to over five months and I felt different, not so much romancing..more a passing thought that wasn't as uncomfortable. I'll be four years this June and I can't remember the last time I craved or romanced a cig....it's as though I never even smoked. Sounds crazy, I know, but it's the truth.

Just think a day at a time if it helps...it can work. Obviously much less painful if you stop romancing, missing and wanting, but when that doesn't happen just promise yourself NOPE today...tomorrow's another day.

THIS. This is what I am doing. I am aware that I'm romancing. Trying to counter act it with negative thoughts. But the feeling remains that I miss smoking. I want to smoke. I want to find a way to continue smoking without all the negative parts. The sooner I realize that there is none, the sooner I will be at peace with it. I am aware of this. But again, it's fighting the illusion that smoking offers (which seems very real to me at this time) to the reality that it does absolutely nothing for me. It's going to take time and constant altering of my thought processes before that falsehood goes away.

 

Taking it today. Tomorrow..... I will deal with tomorrow then.

 

Thank you.

[Sazerac]

This is a really special time, Tiff.

One that you may appreciate later.

It was a time that I used to get current and very real, very honest  with myself.

Denial was trashed.

Many of my personal myths were trashed because they no longer served me.

 

It was a great cleansing of my spirit and highly emotional.

But, eyes need to be watered with tears so they will grow.

 

You will emerge like The Phoenix.

 

oh, dear.  another reference to Fire.

[Paul723]

Try to tell yourself that smoking is not an option as quickly as thoughts pop into your head. They will bother you much less that way. Remember that the addiction lives in a primitive part of your brain that will try to force you to act before you've had a chance to analyze the situation rationally. Keep going, it's a journey worth taking.

[Evelyn]

You know what held me back... I threw away all ashtrays; icl. all mugs I used as ashtray so I was left with one mug and one glass whahaha now I've been thinking 'oh let's buy some really COOL mugs, one or two for when I have visiters you know (kinda handy :P ) caz Coby visits today hahaha and I have to give her a glass I usually use myself every day lol. But it held me back 'oh no I CAN'T use one of those two as ashtray, NOPE NOPE NOPE (first 3 days) no I was like 'oh but what if I get a craving and I have 'an mug' extra... BIG FAT LIE of course. You see Tiffany even I still fool myself, now help me unraffle this one. I'm gonna buy two lovely mugs and one extra glass anyway ;) but think with me here

[Sazerac]

How was your night ?  Joyous plans for the day ?

 

How are you rewarding yourself ?

 

Hold your resolve, Have some Fun.  

 

S

[...]

Still feeling somewhat discombobulated but today is much better than yesterday.......

 

Gonna clean my home, play with my dogs and do paperwork while watching movies.......

 

That's my joyous day. I don't get to stay home often so this is actually VERY rewarding.

[Sazerac]

Your dogs are going to really appreciate your new scent !

Imagine how cigarette smell assaulted them.

Nuzzles with muzzles sounds like just the thing

and it does feel so good to be Home.

 

Check in, breathe through the crazy and worry not because, 

yay, yippee, you don't smoke.

S

[Sazerac]

How is your Sunday, Tiffany ?

 

How long are your craves ?  Are they getting less intense ?

 

What are you doing to get through them ?

 

How are you dealing with your triggers ?

 

What are your Rewards ?

[...]

I am doing fine.

 

Been a little irritable today.

 

Cleaning and reorganizing some stuff I needed to get done.

 

As of 2:30 today, I am one week smoke free.

 

Really looking forward to when I get to feel "normal" again. Most of, like 95% of all my quits ended around this time cause I start getting irritated at not feeling normal. I can feel that irritation.

 

I'm just trying to stay busy and keep my thoughts elsewhere. I did go up some stairs yesterday and did not get winded at all. I thought that was really cool.

 

I also seem to have more time to do things. Not sure why as smoking never really stopped me from doing anything. However, it seems I am more productive.

 

Anyways, thank you for asking. I hope you had a good weekend.

[...]

So my son wants me to go to the store and buy some ice cream......

 

but if I leave this house, I'm gonna buy cigarettes.  

 

Did ok for the most part this weekend..... but wondering if I am cut out for this.

 

Junkie thinking (I'm beginning to hate that terminology) I am aware..... but it's what going through my head.  

 

I, literally, pulled right out in front of a cop today. Almost caused him to T bone my car.  My head is in a serious fog and I want out.  Fortunately, after explaining (more like rambling) to this poor officer that I'm not on drugs and that I am trying to quit smoking, (he could definitely tell something wasn't right) he kinda giggled and gave me a warning.  

 

And I keep sighing.  I'm not cranky though.  Just feel very unmotivated anymore.  

 

Son says we don't have to go get ice cream.  Thank GOD !!!!

[Sazerac]

"irritated at not feeling normal."

 

normal is boring.

go have some fun in your altered state. do something or try something, taste something you have never tried before.

 

~"I also seem to have more time to do things"

~". Not sure why as smoking never really stopped me from doing anything."

~"However, it seems I am more productive."

 

One of the above statements is a lie.

 

Glad you are not going for cigarettes.  Go for Ice Cream (but not Bluebell)

 

Be as cranky as you can be...get righteously cranky for a while.  a night of Pure Cranky...no breaks.

Loud cranky, jumping crazy cranky.  Crank Out !

Wear your cranky out and have a nice bath.  Go to sleep.  Tomorrow will be different and better. 

[...]

Tomorrow will be different and better. 

 

Yes, it will be.  

 

Seems to be going one day good, one day not so good, one day good, one day not so good.

 

I'm really trying on this quit.  I want to succeed.  

 

Thank you so much.  It helps to read your confidence.  It really does.

[ChRiSpY]

Yes, it will be.  

 

Seems to be going one day good, one day not so good, one day good, one day not so good.

 

I'm really trying on this quit.  I want to succeed.  

 

Thank you so much.  It helps to read your confidence.  It really does.

Concentrate on the good...it will help you get through the bad.  Soon...everyday will be good... wouldn't that be awesome?

[Doreensfree]

The bad will get easier ,and lesser..well done TIFF..you've got one week..how brilliant is that...

Smoking is not on the table for the coming week too...x

[Sazerac]

where y'at bebe ?

thinking about you and remembering it was not easy peasy for me until I decided it had to be easy peasy, clear and clean.

Then it was just counting the dosh and the days.

S

[Paul723]

You can't stop the waves but you can learn to surf.

[...]

thinking about you and remembering it was not easy peasy for me until I decided it had to be easy peasy, clear and clean.

S

 

Funny you should say this.........  today, I was at a place where there was a pack of Marlboro sitting there.  Which coincidentally is the same brand I smoked.  It wasn't the same exact kind.... but it was Marlboro and that was enough for me.  

 

I thought to myself..... " I could take just one.  No one would have to know.  What's one gonna hurt?"  "I could take the whole pack and just smoke those and then quit again."  

 

And then I thought...." do I REALLY want to keep doing this ?"  I havent' even smoked one and already I my next thought went from just one to taking the rest of the pack.  

 

So then when I left, I started thinking... why is this so hard ?  And I realized I'm only making it hard on me.  It's really not that hard.  Just don't smoke the damn things.  Am I still wanting one sometimes ?  Of course.  Am I still craving one several times a day ?  Yes.  

 

But I can either let it go and accept the fact that I don't WANT to smoke and move on or I can dwell on it and make my life miserable.  I seem to really be focusing on the latter.  I don't know why I do that to myself.  It's my choice.  I can smoke one if I want to.  I just don't want to.  

 

The illusion of what was so good about smoking is dissipating.  I don't mean this as a pun, but it fits perfectly...... it seems like my head is coming out of the fog.  I can't say I'm enjoying being a non smoker yet.  But I'm definitely coming to peace with it.  

 

You can't stop the waves but you can learn to surf.

 

I'm learning how to surf.  

 

I still can't think about forever.  But I can handle today like a champ.  And I'm doing just that.  

 

onto day 9.........

[Doreensfree]

Loved this post TIFF..full of positivity...

You saw those cigs..and fought the urge and made a decision to keep your precious quit...

You knew there is no such thing as one...

Of course you handle today...never doubted you...

Your a fabulous non smoker....Yipeeee

[Sazerac]

 

 

So then when I left, I started thinking... why is this so hard ?  And I realized I'm only making it hard on me.  It's really not that hard.  Just don't smoke the damn things.  Am I still wanting one sometimes ?  Of course.  Am I still craving one several times a day ?  Yes.  

 

But I can either let it go and accept the fact that I don't WANT to smoke and move on or I can dwell on it and make my life miserable.  I seem to really be focusing on the latter.  I don't know why I do that to myself.  It's my choice.  I can smoke one if I want to.  I just don't want to.  

 

 

This is very cool, Tiff.  We do make it harder on ourselves and we needn't.  Coming around to that insight is a giant step forward.  Good for you !

It's a  lesson we can use for other situations, as well.

 

Day 9 for you and a growing pile of cash.  Hold on to your resolve.  Smoking is not in your equation.  

[sharonsiff]

Brilliant update Tiff...so true....like you say face today like a champ.

[bakon]

Give him vegetables.

[Sazerac]

You know, Tiffany.

It really helps to be here.

It help you stay accountable which is an excellent tool to keep a quit.

 

You can't really be reliably accountable to yourself when you are in the throes of addiction because the addict is so dominant and persuasive.

But, you can be accountable to the Tiff who wants to quit smoking and to all of us here who have quit and want you to succeed.

We are your troops !

[...]

I know you are.  

 

I am still smoke free.  I have no desire to restart.  I still have thoughts of smoking, I still have craves but to actually want to stick one in my mouth and smoke it...... if I wait long enough, any desire goes away.

 

Today was much better.  I do want to be held accountable.  

 

What I don't want is to focus so much on quitting and how I "feel" cause then I'm wasting time.  And the end result is I'm still spending my life concentrating on cigarettes......  

 

And when I get on here, I feel like I'm focusing on something I can't have..... which makes me want it more or feel more sad that I can't have it.  I need to give my body time to heal from the physical aspect of removing all the toxins that I have been feeding it for the last 35+ years and once that's complete, then I can focus on my thoughts and emotions of quitting.  

 

I know this doesn't make sense to you. 

 

I am not understanding how if I have been quit for 10 days, then how come my brain and emotions are all out of whack.  No chemical in the world should have that much physical control after a week of abstinence.  So it has to be an emotional and/ or mental withdrawal.  And so if I back off a little and block those 2 aspects out, and let me physically heal..... at some point, my mind won't be controlled by crazy thoughts or emotions.  Who knows ?  Once I can get the craves controlled by ignoring them and not feeding them, then at some point, they will die.  

 

Is my train of thought wrong ?

 

Cause I really don't know what I'm doing.  I do know that I am having anxiety fluctuating with periods of sadness and happiness.  And all 3 of these emotions can be within minutes.  Normal will come.  I just have to be patient.  

 

I'm not leaving.  And I'm not going back to smoking.  

 

I'm just trying to get through this.  

 

I don't like feeling fuzzy.  

[...]

I would also like to say.....

 

I walked into a home this evening.  One that I walk into frequently.  

 

He smokes.  

 

And it stank so FREAKING BAD !!!  I had never, ever noticed it before.  But I did today.  I cannot believe I ever smelled like that.  

 

It's actually really gross.  

[Sazerac]

Really Good to see you.

 

Soon you will not be thinking about smoking or not smoking.

That part overwhelmed me too until I admitted 

that I thought of smokes every 20 minutes or less for Over 40 something YEARS.

Then I saw my choice !

 

We can choose what we think and override the junkie.

The addict will start to nag but, you must replace that voice

with something interesting, something beautiful, something really Powerful...Your Own True Voice.

 

Great to hear your sense of smell is coming back.

Cigarettes really are putrid.

 

Tomorrow will bring you more power.

You're gonna be a mtoher fkucer when this is done, no doubt.  :D