junkie ... thinking

[Kendra]

                                                  PLEASE DO NOT READ IF YOU CAN'T BEAR SELF PITYING MOROSE CRAPOLA

 

just binged watched the tobacco wars.   ...and binged ate....  junkie, junkie, junkie

 

been having a rough go with my head and junkie thinking.

 

left side of chest hurts when I breathe.                                          the end of the third episode, the smoking ad exec who is                                                                                   diagnosed                             and chooses

                                                                                                             to enjoy his smoking life TO THE END since he will die anyway......

                                                                                              

 though, IF, he could live again, knowing what he knows now, he wouldn't smoke                                                     

 

 

                                      LIT UP MY JUNKIE.   me,too   me, too    me, too             screams the junkie in me.

 

               whatever my excuse is today.....     i own my choices.         So I sit and eat ... another KILLER choice.

 

                                                                                                  

Want to, want...... to find and hold the choices that live and/or love on me.          patterns of life suggest other options may prevail.

 

 

                                                                                                                             any body feel what i feel?

 

                                                                                                                             & yeah, I went and read my own sos response

                                                 

                                                                                                                              can't prove it will pass says the junkie

 

                                                                      

 

[Kendra]

...and the grumpy witch says.....

 

 

  the tobacco wars was an interesting viewing.....

 

 

      ....  and seriously,  what did/do people think....  do we really need   science to explain that this adiction is addiction and life taking....

 

    just saying.... i was/am cognizant of the repercussions...........and made the choices despite the knowledge..... 

 

master of self deception, torture and deceit........

 

charming today aren't I?

[buMbLeB]

Was there ever another less deserving of a poem than the junkie lizard brain?

 

There's a world of difference between knowing and understanding. You knew cigarettes were deadly and addictive, but now you understand.

 

And now you choose.

[Nancy]

Just don't smoke.

[Jenny]

I was never 'satisfied" as a smoker.  Never could get enough, no matter how many I smoked.  Makes me wonder why I missed it so much when I first quit.  There is nothing relaxing about being in a near constant state of withdrawl and yet my mind would try to convince me it was.  

 

If I were diagnosed with a deadly disease tomorrow I would still choose to not smoke.  It took me a while to get there, but the freedom I know now is something I would never give up again.  You'll get there too in time.

[Still winning]

That junkie thinking can really grab hold of you in weak moments. The ONLY thing that's going to carry you through sometimes is the choice to not smoke, you could, but you don't and won't. Get it clear in your head and those moments you describe will get shorter and shorter lived. Below is taken from my quit blog, at around 6 weeks and I'm sharing it so you can see that the pity party is a stage of some quits:

 

Tough emotional week, like gritty tough. Living on my nerves but wasn't really concerned about my quit which felt safe and of course, is still safe. My kids are away for the weekend so I can relax and maybe I just drunk too much? Mum lit up in front of me, a conversation went horribly wrong with Chris, then from nowhere - massive crave! Like huge crave, what the hell, where from?! Before I know it I'm out of bed and hunting the house for cigarettes...jeez, really have no idea! I got to the point where I wasn't sure what i would do when i found them so posted an sos, wanted to make sure i was accountable. I'm still shaky emotionally, that was very real and very raw. Don't want to smoke, my quit is as safe as it can be but I feel like crud and exhausted

 

then this was my entry one week later:

 

I feel ok, like someone released my happy valve to just be ok again. I'm even planning on some intention work next week which I haven't been clear enough really to do since before I quit, my concentration was too sketchy. Scheduled in exercise, practice runs of things I want to do, that's massive for me!! I could do it now I think but don't want to push too hard, feel scared I might go backwards and really don't want that. 

I still think about not smoking, never about wanting to smoke. Just that I would and I don't and some days that shizzle is on a long ass loop and some days it's not now, but I'm ok, it's just there on repeat play, trucking along in the background. Rather then the full on no smoking show that was at the forefront of my mind so often, not bad, just there.

 

 

I just wanted to share those so you can see that sometimes it feels hard and sometimes it just flows so easily you wonder what all the self imposed drama was about. It helped when people explained that once the choice is made it simply becomes about what you are going to do instead, when the thoughts come get a plan of action. Sometimes "doing" something can really distract the mind and the horrible thoughts simply get less and less. Others say embrace the suck, this means facing down the craves and taking them as a sign of victory as it means you're not smoking. I used everything and the odd pity party too, I call it a wallow day and every now and then I let myself have that to feel things so I can move past it, I think that's ok for you to do, you're not alone I promise. But it does pass and how you feel today will get smaller and smaller until one day you are just a person who used to smoke and has fleeting thoughts of oh, I would have smoked here before, damn pleased I don't have to now and smile. 

 

By the way that tobacco wars just made me feel sad, not angry. That ad exec though, it's terrifying and I know people who've been in that position through smoking and chose to smoke. And that's it isn't it, we don't want to be that guy so this is the other path, pure and simple.

 

Hoping today feels brighter. x

[MarylandQuitter]

When junkie thinking shows up, remember these words from Sarge after our Beth passed away.

 

"GreenLover - you made it. All the way to the end as a non-smoker. A true Lifer."--Sarge

 

She died a non-smoker.  I knew that there was no way that I wanted to die a smoker.  That there was no way I wanted my daughter to find me in the garage, dead with a cigarette in my hand.  That very well could have been my reality.  I didn't want that for me or her.  When I go, I'll follow the way of Beth and go out as a non-smoker.  End of story.  :)

 

http://whyquit.com/joel/Joel_01_01_junkie.html

[beacon]

I used to picture a little monster in my chest who was the Nicodemon.  Every time I had a crave or a junkie thought, I pictured the monster dying, throwing its last fits. This really worked for me and I got some morbid satisfaction about it growing weaker and weaker .  I tried not to tempt the monster by dwelling on thoughts of smoking,  listening to the lies. 

[Kendra]

thanks for riding with me.

[babs609]

I used to picture a little monster in my chest who was the Nicodemon.  Every time I had a crave or a junkie thought, I pictured the monster dying, throwing its last fits. This really worked for me and I got some morbid satisfaction about it growing weaker and weaker .  I tried not to tempt the monster by dwelling on thoughts of smoking,  listening to the lies. 

 

THIS ^^^^^^

 

that's exactly what I did....and I ain't weaker than no ugly monster....no way!!  Helped my competitive edge

[BAT]

NOPE is the key  :)

[Kendra]

I deeply appreciate this site and the people here.

 

 

I have sadly chosen to throw away my quit.  derailed.   given my power to  big tobacco and circumstance.  

 

I will return.      Intend to post the things that trip me up.                       and

 

 

Plan for the places where i have chosen dying and how to choose living instead.     and for now I will go eat & sleep.    awareness  is  ugly sometimes.     i finally understand the phrase 'ignorance is bliss'.

 

 

wish i had babs' strength of character and belief in my strength.

 

 

 

 

[buMbLeB]

Most of the time, people just disappear. I appreciate that you told us, and seem to take responsibilty for the choice you made.

 

                                 Still, what a shame. Pointless, awful crying shame.

 

                     I hope you make it back.

 

                                                                  Like, later today maybe?

[MarylandQuitter]

I deeply appreciate this site and the people here.

 

 

I have sadly chosen to throw away my quit.  derailed.   given my power to  big tobacco and circumstance.  

 

I will return.      Intend to post the things that trip me up.                       and

 

 

Plan for the places where i have chosen dying and how to choose living instead.     and for now I will go eat & sleep.    awareness  is  ugly sometimes.     i finally understand the phrase 'ignorance is bliss'.

 

 

wish i had babs' strength of character and belief in my strength.

 

Okay, you smoked.  You've perched yourself on the branch of dissatisfaction long enough so get back to the business of quitting, NOW.  Not tomorrow, not Monday, not next month and certainly not when you "think" you're ready.

 

Don't Let A Slip Put You Back To Using

Video stresses the importance of drawing a clear line in the sand regarding the issue of whether or not to take a puff. Another alternate title for for this video could have been "should I reset my quit meter?"

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0cfxzB804S4&index=3&list=PL4F05C03D0F9B86DB

 

The Lucky Ones Get Hooked

Video discusses how not all people who take a cigarette after quitting instantly get hooked--only the lucky ones do.

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g8XvSiHmlQ8&index=2&list=PL4F05C03D0F9B86DB

 

If I Relapse I'll Smoke Until It Kills Me

Video discusses how people better take heed if they ever find themselves thinking or saying the phrase "If I relapse I'll smoke until it kills me"

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UCRLo94FrLI&list=PL4F05C03D0F9B86DB&index=5

 

Who Wants To Go Back To Smoking?

Video discusses how former smokers at times think they want to go back to smoking, but if they really remind themselves of the package deal that goes along with being a smoker, it will be easy for them to stick to their quit.

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DG9qGjf2hd8

[Doreensfree]

Aww sad to hear a quit buddy has decided to smoke...but ...

Come on...jump back on board....the train is waiting ...

Do you really want to go back to the slavery,spending all your hard earned cash ,on something that is killing you slowly...

You can Do this...

[Karen]

Kendra, get your ass back here ASAP. Like right NOW!  You CAN do this. BELIEVE in yourself.

[ChRiSpY]

Get you mind right... make smoking no longer an option.

 

Losing sucks

 

Winning is awesome

[PorkandPancakes]

Oh Kendra. That's Sad. You were one of the long termers to me when I jumped on the QT last October. please put out the cigarettes and get back on. It's not the tobacco you want. Do you feel better now you're smoking? Are you happier? Has the sadness gone? Has the guilt come back? Are you nervous when you feel a pain somewhere? Smoking isn't your friend. Come back and climb on. You will be missed.

[Kendra]

thank you all for your comments. This is the first time I've had the courage to pop into the train station, since I picked up again.

 

crying as I read this with Joel video - (thanks MQ) -. playing.

 

true, I am fighting for my life.

 

Thanks Karen, Doreen , P&P, & chrispy.

 

I want to believe in myself.

[Doreensfree]

So glad to see you back...never give up...ever...

It took me 52 years to quit..so no lectures from me....

Take your seat... buckle up....take it one day at a time..

Let's do this...xxxx

[Boo]

You should believe in yourself.  You CAN do this.  Now it's just a matter of doing it.

 

As for throwing away a quit...There are those rare few who successfully quit for good on their first try.  Then, there are the rest of us.  I threw away so many quit attempts all I can do is estimate the number at this point.  I once threw away a quit because it was raining outside.  I was too lazy to even come up with a good excuse that day.  That's all history now.  Regardless of our pasts we can always choose differently today.

 

There's a perfectly good quit out there just waiting for you to grab it.

[buMbLeB]

Great to see you back so soon, good for you!

 

I will return.      Intend to post the things that trip me up.                       and

 

 

Plan for the places where i have chosen dying and how to choose living instead.

 

I think this is an important part of your process, and is worth doing.

[IndigoChilde]

thank you all for your comments. This is the first time I've had the courage to pop into the train station, since I picked up again.

 

crying as I read this with Joel video - (thanks MQ) -. playing.

 

true, I am fighting for my life.

 

Thanks Karen, Doreen , P&P, & chrispy.

 

I want to believe in myself.

 

Everyone's still here for you. Time to pick back up and quit.