Torn

[Ramona]

Experiencing intense emotional instability.

Addiction wants me back in a big way.

10 more days till I get a year.

 

I keep thinking:

 

Once I get that year, I'm consciously returning to smoker status.  I can no longer endure my sensitivity.  I am volatile and needy.  I don't want to interpret every aspect of my day in such a personal manner.  I hate the extra 10 pounds.  My coffee is lonely.  My boyfriend is reaching his limit.  I'm impatient.  I'm bat shit.  It's not worth it.  Cigarettes make me more self-reliant.  Plus, "F-you world" - I do not need to embrace life while the most egregious examples of humanity's horribleness pervade my every day.  I have some sort of mood disorder and people with mood disorders simply DO NOT quit smoking.

 

And then the f*cking other side:

 

I'm doin' this thing.  Boyfriend couldn't do it.  I've made it my number one priority and I literally haven't had a single smoke in almost one full year.  My lungs do not slow me down anymore.  My skin looks smooth and feels soft.  I feel "cozier."  My car, my hair, my hands all smell GOOD.  Winter is coming and who wants to smoke in the winter?  I will be able to pay off my car with the money I save.  When I apply for a new job the smoking aspect will not even be an aspect.  Lots of people live happily without smokes.  Food tastes incredible.  And even though I am at times quite pathetic, I am also (conversely) more empowered and confident than I have been in over a decade of smoking.
 

So confused.

[bakon]

Quit thinking so much

[Evelyn]

you blame quiting on your intsabile emo life? If amoker told you, go smoking it will stabalise you and you would have never ever smoked before would you do it?

Maybe underneath this excuse there's indeed a mood disorder but meds would be correct not lighting a friggin smoke and I KNOW!!! Consider my words carefully? IF theres a mood disorderish problem why keep searching in smokes but turn to a qualified doc and ask advice? What's wrong with that hun?

[Evelyn]

my advice accept i agree with bakon, stop torturing yourself and go visit a qualified doc

[PorkandPancakes]

TEW. I realise I'm very very new here but I just want to offer what I can from a newbie's perspective.

I WANT TO BE YOU! I've done 8 days. I don't know how 'not' to smoke yet. Every time I move from place to place, I think I need a smoke. Every day I wake up and my first thought is smoking. My lungs still hurt. I wheeze when I breathe. There are old wet cigarette butts in a stinky collection pot outside the back door. There are yellow stains still on my fingers and there's tobacco bits in the bottom of every single handbag I own.

You don't want these things. You don't want to smoke. You don't need to smoke. You miss something that isn't even there. It's just a memory. I swear to you that first puff would taste disgusting. I Swear to you that I would give anything to be a whole year quit. Smoking won't help you lose ten lbs. you'd just risk gaining another ten on your next quit!

I wish I knew you well enough to say something more helpful but please know, I'm in awe of your year. I long for a year. Don't smoke. X

[Doreensfree]

Where's that big frying pan...we kept .....just in case.....

TEW.....you are so near to that magic 1year big celebration......why are you torn.....

What you have achieved ...millions can only dream about....

I remember two years ago....I was torn too.....keep smoking and face amputation......or fight for a quit...and keep my limbs...

Wear your quit with pride....your amazin lady.....nothing to be torn about....

Looking forward to getting your chair out on the lido....don't let me down.....

Hugs sweetheart...x

[Runfree]

Thinking you want the good health more than giving power to the emotion.  You already know this passes and you're relieved when it's behind you, relieved you kept your quit.

[Runfree]

I am also (conversely) more empowered and confident than I have been in over a decade of smoking.

 

wow

print this. it goes on your bathroom mirror.

[Sunnyside]

TEW, you sound like me mate the nearer I got to a year the more my stupid brain thought you have done a year now you can smoke. Then I pondered the thought until is drove me mad.

 

My advice to you would be don't give that thought anymore air time. Smoking only seems so attractive because you haven't smoked for awhile and you have forgotten the reality of it (which is a good thing, as it means it really does get better!). I know you are getting strong craves but if you did slip you would have to go through the whole quit process again. There would be no grantee that you could do this again. I have seen four people slip up this year from long-term quits, hate it, but as much as they try they can't quit again.

 

So cling on TEW, don't throw away your glorious quit, not after working so hard to get to where you are now

[babs609]

Love the second paragraph.....it's so much more powerful than the first....by 1000....soo........where's the confusion, exactly?  Read both paragraphs again and tell me the second one doesn't just want you to lace up your sneakers and run 2 miles?  lol...it does for me...it's inspiring and uplifting and hopeful.   

 

don't let yourself be seduced by that sleazy scumbag,  TEW....you are wiser than that.  Just by refraining from smoking is not enough...don't let those thoughts entertain your brain for a second.  Redirect them.  Immediately.  Routinely.  Eventually it will be automatic.  But the opposite is also true.  Saying all that you said in the first paragraph only strengthens the junkie thinking.  It's not a problem that the thoughts come in your head...it's what you do with the thoughts once you have them.

 

All that other stuff you just have to deal with...one issue at a time....just like you've been doing...beautifully.

 

You are a fabulous non smoker now....it won't be any different once you hit a year....or 10 days into your 2nd year....just enjoy the new you, girlfriend.

 

Babs

xo

[Kendra]

Hi TEW,

 

Celebrate your uniqueness.  

 

The push me- pull you in the brain ....     I am all ways always amazed at the dichotomy in my own thinking... seems you have similar experiences.

 

I do not pretend to know how you feel.... and I would like to support you in ways that genuinely embrace the wholeness of your experience.

           

                         What would feel supportive?

 

                  Your words and journey are of comfort to me on mine.   You got this.  

 

                !!!

 

 

REALLY......    YOU GOT THIS.    hold onto the dream of what you want your LIFE to look like and KEEP LIVING IT FULLY.

 

   thanks for posting.    please keep doing it. 

[Ramona]

As always, you guys offer timely truths in response to my melt-down(s). 

 

And today?

 

Better.

 

It wasn't an objective, stand-alone brilliant day.  But when held in comparison to yesterday's abject-flip-flap-freak-show-bursting-at-the-seams experience of childish desperation?  It was GOOD.  I feel pretty even-keeled. 

 

For Kendra and Pork - it's not this hard the whole time!!!  Please don't get discouraged by my cravings.  Months 8-10 were fairly freak-out free (if I remember correctly).  Month 11 is testing me.  (Thanks Sunnyside for making that seem more normal). 

 

Staying quit is the war.  Cravings are the battles.  The past couple days were pretty bloody.

[Evelyn]

Exactly, quiting everybody can but stay quit takes you to go thru hell and back, smelling the smoke without ligthing

[babs609]

Everything is temporary.

 

Everything

[Kendra]

:huh: :huh:Hey TEW,

 

ever so grateful you felt more even keeled.     ....     

 

 I am not at all discouraged by your cravings.   more like inspired that you'd share the depths of the freak outs.

 

 I enjoy, appreciate and consider your perspectives.

 

 

not sure how long you were enslaved to nicotine and damn near a year likely both a HUGE ACCOMPLISHMENT OF FREEDOM AND CHOICE & a brief respite from past patterns, no?        ....  thus, in my head,  resistance,  freak outs, and  juxstapositioning  of the brain is normal (whatever normal looks like :huh:)  ad not be taken as what I really want...     just temporary (thanks for the reminder Babs)  blips of discomfort to learn from and experience.

[El Bandito]

Hey TEW, craves just short of a year?

 

Mad!

 

Actually, normal. A trigger like any other. Face it like every other. Defeat it like all the others you already defeated.

 

Great work!

[Still winning]

You do love a thought or 20 don't you.

 

triggers near a landmark time you say, wonder if it's normal - yep! My quit was solid as Everest and my poor overworked quit buddy still had to drag my sorry butt to one year crying and tantruming :) 

 

Seriously, grit your teeth and best foot forward. This foot, that foot, this foot again, *wipes brow* and repeat. Triggers TEW, it's only triggers and that last ditch cry of the addict. YOU HAVE GOT THIS! Trust that!! It will pass sweetie, honestly, 366 days will be sweet release :)

[Ramona]

<3

[Sunnyside]

honestly, 366 days will be sweet release :) I laugh at that statement, how true it is. You keep posting, pour out all your emotions. You have so got this!!

 

[babs609]

honestly, 366 days will be sweet release :) I laugh at that statement, how true it is. You keep posting, pour out all your emotions. You have so got this!!

 

first thing I thought about was an orgasm....was it just me?  or am I just horny...haha

[Sunnyside]

first thing I thought about was an orgasm....was it just me? or am I just horny...haha

[sgt.barney]

Cut the shit, alright?

 

You're long past these shenanigans already.

 

You are done with cigarettes.

 

Done.

 

 

Easy Peasy

[Petra]

Cut the shit,

haven't heard that in a while.  lol  :) 

 

How can anyone smoke after being told that???  :D

[Petra]

first thing I thought about was an orgasm....was it just me?  or am I just horny...haha

based on a few of your posts I've read lately, I'd say the latter.  :)

[babs609]

based on a few of your posts I've read lately, I'd say the latter. :)

Where?? Haha. I don't notice any unusual activity. Just my normal silliness.