just getting it out there

[Kendra]

         It seems that I am just waiting to light up.  

              That I have  surrendered  to the nastiness, slavery and  self chosen and delivered hell of smoking.     

 

 

      have been in and am in a continued "rock and hard spot" place in my head, life, journey.

 

      looking for ways to outwardly be as ugly as I am on the inside.    crying....don't want it to be true and yet that is what beliefs are currently.

 

 

    feel as if my strong is all used up.  that I never figured out how to BE   .. that I chose and choose to harm..... me....slow death via smoking.  

 

 

 

   the things that are incredible (nature, relationships, LIFE) are barely reaching me.     I want to give up.   

 

   smoking will be a huge step toward matching uglies (inside/outside)   - judgement noted.

 

 

 

was recently challenged - thanks MQ,  to quit revisiting posting here.   Challenge accepted.    posted.   lurking - though not laughing as much.....not even at Bakon's posts.

 

 

 

.....poor me, poor me, pour me another.....    seems self pitying---though the pain is real and the loathing real frommy skewed perspectives.      

 

 

have not bought a pack.         still.         somewhere inside I must believe differently.       maybe.       

                                                                                                                                                                             may BE

 

[Kendra]

   too embarrassed by posting and how/who I am to stick around .....   

 

 

took the challenge and can't face the results/consequences.

                                      

                                                   it is such an adventure in my head.   & other parts of the whole.

[Ria]

I hear ya' Kendra xox xox xox  I STILL 'romance' the fag from time to time... it's harder for some depending on their ability to face "reality" and I'm one who tends to lean towards "idealism"... hence the years and years and years of 'abuse'...

"hoping it would get better"... quitting is NO DIFFERENT and don't let anyone tell you otherwise.. we have to be strong, or we'll regret it!!!

and the regret will one day, topple us!!

 

You'll be fine.. you've come here, so "thinking out loud"... (to quote the song) is a GOOD THING!!!!

 

XOX XOX XOX

[Runfree]

Having been addicted for 30+ years, I know a quit has to come from within and no matter what is said good or bad, the outside world has little impact when we're hell bent.  That said, I really REALLY hope you're able to find it deep down and keep your quit.  You have THREE MONTHS!!  That's a lot of time to toss.

 

Kendra, please trust when I say the edges DO get smoother.  Lighting up isn't going to make anything better.  Not one thing.  But it will make things worse.  Lots of things.

 

I'm glad you took MQ's advise and posted. 

[joe]

Kendra...please do not be embarrassed to post how your feeling, or anything in general?..we have all been there...and some still are, it DOES get better... Watch people you know who never smoked... You will realize the only difference is the addiction will mess with your mind....those who have never been addicted can't understand...hell, those of us who ARE addicted have a hard time understanding (you are an example of this)..

 

IT IS THE ADDICTION THAT IS MESSING WITH YOUR EMOTIONS...

 

Once you get over the "hump" you will be able to understand what we mean when we say it gets better..

 

Please hang in there.

 

.

too embarrassed by posting and how/who I am to stick around....

[Still winning]

No you don't, stay and talk a while.

 

Let's talk about the 3's! Some say they are nothing. Some say they are something. For sure 3 months or there abouts led me down a path of recommiting, almost daily, that I did not want to smoke. Thoughts of my own brain trying to sabotage me! Sounds bad right?  But it wasn't actually. When I thought about it, just thoughts, dumb ideas...we all have lots of dumb thoughts if we stop and think about it.

 

So here's my question. If you plod through this, do you think there might be a little peace at the end of the tunnel? If we accept that quitting is a journey and not an event, could it be a learning phase? My answer (from where I sit which I appreciate is so different) is yes it is. Sometimes the way through the fog is just through it, a bit directionless but trusting those ahead calling you home! Don't smoke Kendra. it's a lie, it was always a lie and worse, it hurts us. If I thought it would make you feel better I would shout out to go right ahead, but the truth of it is you honestly don't need it...just to embrace this stage to move onto the next.

 

I hope this makes sense! Much love. xx

[Ramona]

I'm always embarrassed - it comes from my lack of humility.

 

Believe in yourself, you can do this.

[action]

Kendra, stay strong and do not submit to the cravings you may be having!

[buMbLeB]

           the things that are incredible (nature, relationships, LIFE) are barely reaching me.     I want to give up.   

 

   smoking will be a huge step toward matching uglies (inside/outside)   - judgement noted.

 

 

 

was recently challenged - thanks MQ,  to quit revisiting posting here.   Challenge accepted.    posted.   lurking - though not laughing as much.....not even at Bakon's posts.

 

 

 

.....poor me, poor me, pour me another.....    seems self pitying---though the pain is real and the loathing real frommy skewed perspectives.      

 

 

have not bought a pack.         still.         somewhere inside I must believe differently.       maybe.       

                                                                                                                                                                             may BE

 

You're embarrassed?? 

 

Why don't you write like that all the time?

 

F***ing brilliant.

[Nancy]

(((Kendra)))...we cannot provide support if you post and leave...and your posts are so real...they will help others for years to come.  Please post often....we are all with you.

[bakon]

Top dummy (duck) called you brilliant. That's funny.

 

But he did get it right. Post you window licker.

 

As for the struggle. You haven't made it to the hump yet. Soon you will be going downhill. Stupid to quit so close to the top of the mountain especially when the hard part was first two weeks. If your here then you can make it there. It's so simple a sonic bat or burrito can do it. I even did it. You will be fine. Relax

[bakon]

Just checked your profile. 147 posts. Pathetic

 

Smarti does that in a morning

[buMbLeB]

Top dummy (duck) called you brilliant. That's funny.

 

But he did get it right. 

 

What's next, are you gonna dip my pigtails in the inkwell? Man, get over me!

 

I'd suggest you get us a room, but that room's got a view I don't need to see.

[bakon]

sorry

 

Hope your hair is ok

[buMbLeB]

OK?? It's awesome!

 

Anyway, I keep it in a ducktail.

 

[Sunnyside]

As others have said if you don't post we can't help! Marti is right the 3's can be really hard for some, it definitely made a difference to me.

 

It does get better in time, just remember "The pain is temporary, quitting is forever"=red>

[MarylandQuitter]

Don't buy a pack

[Kendra]

Haven't been window licking.       still feels like a yet.  

 

 

                                                                                        STILL FREE TODAY.  

                                                                                        no pack purchased.....or planned.....or prepared for

     

 

  embarrassment =  lack of humility, TEW?  ...how do I cultivate humility?

 

 

was going to just post my NOPE.     risked reading what folks had to say.  

 

     at least a groan of ??? at Bakon and Bumble B .....  'course I'm in a laugh or cry place, so laugh...hysterically if need be....is the way of the day.

 

 

 

  Sometimes receiving support is incredibly uncomfortable and difficult, even painful in a manner,  for me.   

 

 

                                          I think due to the values of independence and ability to do things yourself and not air your dirty laundry  that were instilled  in me culturally along the way.....   many of those a messed me up as I try to find my way.

 

 

 

     Marti -  every moment of every day is a journey & from where I sit no destination in mind....        I trust change & that is about it.     uncomfortable with change, so that can be an adventure of hellish proportions on occasion.   thanks for the 3 speak.

 

       3 months and a day and then some

                                                                              FREE.             looks like BEing happens even when  feeling like crap.

 

 

 

 

  love and light....holding us all.

[Runfree]

                                          I think due to the values of independence and ability to do things yourself and not air your dirty laundry  that were instilled  in me culturally along the way.....   many of those a messed me up as I try to find my way.

 

I couldn't identify with this more.

 

Good to see that you're secure on the QT.

[buMbLeB]

       3 months and a day and then some

                                                                              FREE.             looks like BEing happens even when  feeling like crap.

 

3 months? No wonder you feel like splurg! Happens to the best of us, three's are the enemy. Know what else happens even when crapular? NOPEing. 

 

Way to NOPE.

[Ramona]

How to cultivate humility????  Hell-if-i-know!!!!!  Wish I did.  Figure that's why I'm alive - to get a start on that!

 

You can beat this addiction.  Believe it.  Make it so.

 

Don't worry about over-sharing...I think people who hold back, people who are embarrassed to admit what they're experiencing/feeling, are the people who relapse.  If we take our "dirty laundry" and we share the load...the load becomes lighter. 

 

We need each other during these silly lives of ours.  Something so simple as a forum - - - if used correctly, can change the course of our existence.  LIVE LONG AND PROSPER!!! :)

[El Bandito]

Kendra.

 

Love your poetry. There is some talent in there lady.

 

I think that you have identified that the issues you are facing are not smoking related. So don't smoke.

 

Bakon is right, stupid to quit near the top of the mountain. Week or two and you will be Julie Andrews, gamboling in the Alpine meadows.

 

Keep going.

[Sunnyside]

^^^^^ love that El Bandito and the way you put that TEW.

 

There is no embarrassment for get support when you need it but i do agree we are all Brought up in a world where we are told to suppress our emotions, and that is never good.

 

you don't need to see the light, just know it is there and if you keep going, day by day it gets nearer promise.

[Still winning]

It's tough to open up, I hear you. 

 

But listen, even if you are the queen of repression, you don't know anyone here who matters right?! And we REALLY want to support you cause who else could you turn to with this stuff other than other ex smokers who knew they needed to get support?!

 

Pleased you've got this Kendra. x