Not an sos. But I smoked today.

[cheri]

Not sure where I was supposed to put all of this, so I'll just leave it right here.

I can honestly say I am not sure I would have even posted an sos today, even if I could have on my phone. 

It would have been inappropriate.

 

Not sure how many of you may have read all my shit on another board previously, but HOLY shit, do I have shit going on. And issues.

 

Today I was at my friend's daughters funeral.

It was a sudden funeral, one I just found out about, and would have hated myself for if I'd not gone.

I have spent, seriously, the past month at funerals, or hospitals.

 

Man does that make a quit easy.

 

I have had a nervous breakdown and been put on medication due to all the stress.

I was doing okay. Sort of.

 

Then my friend hugged me.

 

Let me just tell you I have never EVER heard a sound like that come out of a human being.

I wanted to rip her heart out with my bare hands so she didn't have to feel that pain anymore.

 

Cher?, she said.

Will you sit here and smoke with me? I need to sit. Stay with me.

Of course I will, I said. (She didn't know anything about me stopping).

And I did.

I got caught up in emotion.

 

Then I remembered I quit. 2 drags in and I nearly threw up. (She smokes menthols. I didnt. I have made it a point to avoid situations, and buying any, no matter how bad I was feeling. I think I got high right then too).

 

I suggested we go inside, as it was nearly time for the service and she had to go in. 

 

I went to the bathroom quick, and cried. I really thought I was going to vomit.

 

More so for her heartache, but also because I just so pissed myself off.

 

I have to do this AGAIN tomorrow, for my other aunt. (Just did this last week for another)...

 

I got over being mad at myself and realized, 

 

I'm glad I am still here to have a do over, for all the family I have left, and for those of you, who I don't even know, and don't have to give one flying **** about me or my issues, that are still here to listen to and read my craziness. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Sunnyside]

Cheri I don't think we have spoke on here before. I just wanted to send you a virtual hug because you really sound like you need it.

 

I really hope life start's to treat you better soon. There are no excuses in life to why we smoke, but I also think there are times when you make it harder for yourself for trying to do everything at once.

 

If you feel you can keep going in your quit, then definitely do it but if not, DON'T beat yourself up over it either x

[cheri]

Hugs you really hard back.

Thank you!

[beacon]

I am not sure what is happening but it sounds terrible. :( By posting here even though you are going through something horrible, you still want to quit which is admirable. Keep posting

[cheri]

Every time shit happens, whether it be in the midst of it, or after, I am logged in here somewhere or just reading offline.

Today I just couldn't.

 

I will post a lot.

 

I just didn't want anyone thinking I just sailed on through my quit, which was not as bad as I thought it would be, without failure.

Without do overs.

 

I won't lie about any of it. It all ******* sucks ass.

[mfic]

I,m sorry sister, just stay on your path,, its great you could be there for them,, this dust will settle an you can get back to

other things,, don't beat yourself up,,  you,ll quit when you can and when your ready,,

 

hang in there,, 

 

Peace, RC

[bakon]

peace...just breath...slow down...sit...breath...think for a minute...get up and move on....

[El Bandito]

Hey Cheri. I am sorry for your loss. It sounds like a very challenging time.

 

Our addiction generates a multitude of justifications to get us to light up, as yours did.

 

Quitting is a journey and on that journey we all face thousands of triggers, small and big.

 

Well done for getting back on the train. You can do this.

[Still winning]

You poor love, that sounds like a sad sad place you had to be. Let me offer my sympathies for your friend and of course you.  Sounds like you're going through the mill more than your fair share right now, sending virtual hugs and some strength to you. xx

 

I know a lot of us here relapsed and I am not here to pass judgement on something I did myself to you. But I do want to offer this logic in the spirit of I needed to hear it and perhaps it will help you.

 

We will always create a "reason" to smoke, a "I had no choice" scenario. I say this safe in the knowledge that I too created these reasons at all stages of previous quits. While we are still fighting those demons with the just one's and just now's etc, we are at risk. It helped me to actually accept that non smokers and ex smokers alike, also experienced stress and didn't smoke. Oftentimes these never and ex smokers were in the same situation as me too, like in exactly the same place physically or mentally. Make your stand! Draw your line and tell yourself, No matter what, smoking is not on the table, nope, smoking can kiss my ass...whatever your favoured way of propelling yourself forward is because you can do this! We can all do this! Not one of us is less addicted/has a quitting nature/addictive personality - that is all bulls**t that we told ourselves and now need to "unlearn".

 

And then after that, you smoked a couple of puffs, and what?? it's done now. Life is simply too short to dwell on things, understand for yourself why it honestly happened, how to avoid it and move forward. xx

[Evelyn]

Cheri how are you now?

You're brave :)

And you will get there

[sgt.barney]

Then I remembered I quit.

 

 

 

Riiiiiiiiiiiiightttttttt ...

 

As if you forgot.

 

 

 

 

Easy Peasy