The Ghosts that Haunt our Past

[Sirius]

My parents divorced when I was young.

 

The last time I saw my father I was thirteen.

 

Tried finding him on occasion but his was a common 

name and with the intervening time and distance I

wasn't really certain what we could say to each other.

 

I started smoking at the age of nineteen.

 

At the age of fifty I found my father's obituary online.

 

I watched the tribute video of him that was posted on youtube.

 

I discovered that he had remarried and had a new family.

 

Scattered amongst the photos was a picture of me.

 

My father smoked and the final pictures of him showed what

appeared to be symptoms of advanced COPD.

 

The weight loss, the wheelchair, the supplemental oxygen.

 

I remembered a long ago conversation I had with him about

cigarettes and smoking.

 

He said, "I would prefer you never start smoking."

 

The video with it's cascade of pictures ended.

 

I did not cry for there was no grief.

 

Days and weeks went by and I felt...dissatisfied.

 

My father was dead and there was no meaning to the event.

 

I did not miss him and this bothered me.

 

A day came when I set aside smoking.  

 

When I craved a cigarette my thoughts would turn to him.  

 

Perhaps the withdrawal pains became a substitute for the loss I never felt

for my father.

 

He died, but in his death I was spared from following in his footsteps.

 

His death did have meaning and I still, occasionally, think of him.

[Ramona]

Welcome.  Congrats on over a year of smobriety.

 

When we give up the smokes, we invite the full experience.  Grief or joy, it sometimes feels good to feel something at last.

[DCCXXVII]

Welcome Serius and thank you for sharing some of your quit story. I am so glad you have quit smoking and congratulations on your one year

[Doreensfree]

Hi and welcome....thank you for sharing...one year of freedom...well done x

[Ria]

Hello Sirius... what TEW said!! xox