hate cheating

[Still winning]

I can't get it out of my head and I know it's not my business!! My Mum is cheating, says she;s quit but is smoking after we have all gone to bed. Not much like 1-3ish but consistant...but saying she has quit!! Other people are quitting based on her being able to do it....but she's not doing it...I hate lies....this is making me really angry and I'm struggling to be sympathetic to "her random cough" and blah blah blah.

 

Anyway someone please tell me to mind my own business before I say something :(  Hate that she's still smoking, really gutted she's not telling me the truth... ah man, harsh!

[leahcaR]

:( I'd be mad too hate lies.

[Ladybug]

I don't think she is cheating Marti, a lot of smokers think they quit....when they actually didn't. I talked with a lady a while back, she thinks she quit, because she slowed down....and she really believed it!

 

I was furious over it and Daisy (hope the name is correct) replied to  my post. She too had a friend who was in total denial and thought she quit, because didn't buy cigarettes anymore - just smoked other people's cigarettes :-)

[Jenny]

I would dislike that too.  If I were you I would talk to her about it.  As addicts we are generally willing to do lots of unpleasant things to get our fix.  Don't be too hard or preachy with her but let her know you know what's going on.  Out her so she has to face the facts of what she's doing to herself.  Be supportive though, no one I know has ever quit because they were nagged into it.  Point her to this website!!

[Soberjulie]

Oh dear. Lol

I'm remembering when "I" was the cheater.

Looking for excuses to run to the store, itching for when hubby would leave for work, showering too much to get the stink off me.

-sigh-

It's a dreadful way to live.

In the grip of addiction and trying to keep up a facade. :(

[Colleen]

Marti,

That would irritate me to no end.  Especially if I were trying really hard to keep my own quit.  That said, remember how you felt before you quit and people would nag you.  I think if you call her out on it, you should be gentle and have something ready for her to read or point her here to this forum.  

[Markus]

Marti

 

I know what she said. She lied.

 

She knows she isn't quit.

 

Why get upset, you can't quit for her?

 

My wife smokes, we talked about quitting for years.

 

I quit and she didn't.  What was she talking about in all those discussions?

 

Who knows? You have to let this go sweetie.

 

xxx

 

Markus

[Tink]

awww marti I can understand your hurt and frustration I think all you can do is talk to her and let her see you are hurt by it and maybe she will see the light :( 

[sharonsiff]

I agree with Markus Marti.

 

Emotionally it has made you wild so maybe look at it with logical thinking?

 

If she is still smoking 3 there is that last bit of fear that is still running her quit. I would imagine her fear is the thing to get her to focus on, face and chat to you about.

 

Focusing on your disappointment might be the excuse/trigger she uses to stuff the quit and go back to her old quota for the day. I knowit may seem ddifficult but remove the emotion and try and apply logic.

[Doreensfree]

I understand your disappointment......in my 52 year career in smoking I've told a few porkies....

But at the end of the day.....it's only kidding yourself....

[NeedforSpeedHM]

Bummer....... Sorry Marti... I would be so mad! Nothing more that I detest is a liar,cheat and a thief.

 

I hope she comes around, and holds herself accountable... I would call her out on her smoking, that makes YOU the honest one knowing what she is doing.

 

a dissapointment , but hey,,,, be glad you quit.. and you are holding yourself accountable!!! Bonus!!

[action]

Marti, it's almost like the roles are reversed. Your mum is like the kid smoking behind her parents backs... How would your mum have dealt with that?

 

That probably doesn't help at all, sorry :/

[JackiMac]

Marti, sorry to read your post, it must be hard, but we all can remember the hold that the nicotine had over us, the lengths that we would go to just to get our fix, don't be mad at your mum Marti she is just a slave to the nicotine and needs a gentle reminder of what its doing to her, she is lying because she feels she is protecting herself and everyone else from the stark truth that she cannot give up the nicotine, she needs support, definitely get her to come and read some of the posts and threads on here, it may be the final push that she needs to be able to make the last jump.  

[...]

I saw that today.

 

This lady was telling me how she has quit smoking and how much better she feels and the whole time, she's puffing away on an e-cig.  When I pointed out that she is still "smoking", her reply was "well, I gotta die somehow"

 

She has no idea.  Not even a clue.

[...]

Marti, sorry to read your post, it must be hard, but we all can remember the hold that the nicotine had over us, the lengths that we would go to just to get our fix, don't be mad at your mum Marti she is just a slave to the nicotine and needs a gentle reminder of what its doing to her, she is lying because she feels she is protecting herself and everyone else from the stark truth that she cannot give up the nicotine, she needs support, definitely get her to come and read some of the posts and threads on here, it may be the final push that she needs to be able to make the last jump.  

 

+ 1000000 

 

I wouldn't call her a liar. 

 

But I would call her an addict in denial.

 

Huge difference.

[El Bandito]

Awwww Marti. 

 

I'm sorry to hear that.

 

She is scared, she is so proud of you and she doesn't want to let you down.

 

More to be pitied than to be scorned.

 

She is an addict in denial - and she needs to understand why she is smoking. She is smoking because she is scared.

 

My advice (not knowing either of you!) would be to talk to her about it. Not to judge her or to scold her - but to help her.

 

1. Agree to be honest.

2. Agree to discuss why she smokes/cheats

 

However - ultimately - your quit is paramount and her quit is her decision. You can't do it for her, however hard you try to Marti.

[Still winning]

Thank you for all your answers.  I am bothered of course but am clear her quitting is not my business. My quit was my choice and that stands firm.  I get she doesn't want too but this is a nightmare. She has copd, she is doing pulmony restorative stuff as she can barely get about now without losing her breath. She is mad angry at herself all the time, but also feeling sorry for herself so won't try anything. Now, I am her carer, she is basically making this harder and I'm finding it hard to keep my temper for both of us, if that sounds partly selfish then so be it... I don't care, everything I do for me and my two young children basically has to revolve around her now, she won't accept any outside care/help and makes me feel guilty if I want to go anywhere or do anything without her...but she can't do a lot.

 

However her smoking still has to be her choice, it really isn't my business and I personally would not ever take someone telling me what I could and couldn't do.  Lol, really I would yell like a banshee if anyone tried. So thank you for justifying my right to be mad, but i need to keep my head down...and she is smoking a lot less right... but man, this is way harsh. And the perfume she's spraying around to cover the smell after is really awful every morning, roll on summer so I can open the door at least!!

 

What I was looking for I got with the responses that said it's harsh but her stuff. xx

[El Bandito]

Marti - 

 

My heart goes out to you.

 

It is not unreasonable for you to make the point that she is in a non-smoking household now - and that you have a full set of responsibilities PLUS looking after her. (just noticed your ticker is about to hit 1,000 Ciggies! :D )

 

The subtext seems to be - she wants to quit but thinks she can't - you want her to quit but are not going to give her an ultimatum (probably wouldn't work anyway)

 

Did she finish the Allen Carr book?

 

Easy to say from here - but getting angry and upset won't fix it. Try to enjoy the sunshine! (Might be the only bit we get!)

[Still winning]

The problem seems to be she had a friend who was a social smoker but if not socialising, smoked 1 before bed...  She is not that smoker, she was on 60+ a day but hasn't worked it out I guess.

 

I'm worried if I call her out she will use it as an excuse.  The Allen Carr book has been duly returned to the book shelf with "I must read that's". This forum, and others has been suggested, she apparently joined one on facebook where they are celebrating her week quit?!?! wtf?  I also recommended whyquit.com which I made her suggest to a friend so at leastshe typed it and it may have sunk in. I've done all the leading I can do without taking over and I am re-assured of that. My problem now is face it down and risk going to where we were or let it ride and do the wish on a star option of at least she's smoking less.

 

All that aside, I cannot believe she is asking me straight faced why she still has a cough!!

[El Bandito]

Marti! I only know you virtually...and even I know you are not going to be able to let it ride...the perfume might kill you for a start! If it doesn't, the resentment will build up and you will go off like a bomb at some point.

 

It doesn't need to be a punch up. It can be "you are doing brilliantly well, I am so proud of you. If we can just conquer those last couple before bed, you will have completely defeated it. That would be amazing!"

 

As you say, you holding her accountable will not change anything. She needs to hold herself accountable. But, you can let her know that she won't be able to get you to join in with lying to herself.

[Still winning]

lol, kaboom! 

 

Nah, it has to be her choice of whether to talk to me or not. We are forced together so I can at least give her that space, it's respectful. Not saying I'm not gonna keep returning the allen carr book to her desk though ;)

[El Bandito]

lol, kaboom! 

 

Nah, it has to be her choice of whether to talk to me or not. We are forced together so I can at least give her that space, it's respectful. Not saying I'm not gonna keep returning the allen carr book to her desk though ;)

We are now in the realms of communication protocols between Mother and Daughter...

 

For the sake of my health, I suspect any comments about "hmmmm, I'm not sure that waiting for her to speak to you is very constructive," should be kept to myself :D

 

Marti, it was never going to be all so straightforward...you have quit and hubby has quit which is fantastic news for your little ones. Granny is getting there...

 

Boom!

[Doreensfree]

Hi mati,I will post my story,it just might help in some way.....I hope so.

After smoking 52 yrs I was at risk of having my feet amputated,my ankles were clotting due to bad circulation ,can you imagine thinking your feet were about to be cut off .....I was scared like you couldn't imagine.....I had nightmares ,I was living a hell,....

I had reduced my cigs to about 5 a day....but just couldn't stop them altogether.....

Smoking those few a day....where just as much a nightmare,I would light one up,and cry the whole way through it....

I was scared to smoke ,but scared to do with out my crutch too.....

It got to the point where I was ready for some help......I came to these people......I soaked in all the info like a sponge.....

Day by day they got me through....I'm so proud of my ticker.......

My non smoking kids,didnt shout ,they tried the gentle Encouragement approach...,I was living a hell anyway with out folks shouting...

Whatbimmtrying to say is.....your mum might be feeling like me....and will get there in her own time.....

She is on a board.....it will sink in.....I owe the people here everything.....I wouldn't have done it with out them....

Try and be patient.....she may surprise you.

Hugs

Doreen