im doung my own head iiiinnn

[laura]

Sweet dreams , thanks for today, has been a huge help. Speak tomorrow

[Markus]

Good job Laura

 

The walking is a good idea, as is anything new.

 

It really is difficult to find the right recipe after you throw down and state you've quit...day to day grind, with the changeups as you can find them. Some say it's easy, some not so. All I remember from this one is me wanting it bad and walking out of it. I threw away a quit  in 1988 or so after two months, the only one I ever had just from treating it badly. Out of that I did learn again like other times that if you treat something/someone shabbily you aren't worth the having of it/them and throwing it away will not make a difference 

 

I suppose this time it really meant something to me, I am glad you are not left waiting till something is gone wrong before you do something. You have courage and that's what it takes. I never even tried till 20 years later,  it did a number on me and 20 years won't play well on anyone who is already 30 years old which I was at that time. There is nothing in a cigarette for anyone young as you or old like me. ;)

 

Got no real great advice except my geezer stories and time is your friend, chin up always and guard that quit!

 

xx

 

Markus

[laura]

Thanks markus - i have to admit i have found it hard tonight and am really debating in my head such as you have chose the wrong time,you have a week off work next week how will u cope ect ect, i have tried to stay busy this evening and now i will head to bed and hopefully be in a better frame of mind tomorrow.

My main cause for relapse is always the debating i have with myself. Its so frustrating, how can some people find it easy to quit yet others struggle so badly

[Markus]

Thanks markus - i have to admit i have found it hard tonight and am really debating in my head such as you have chose the wrong time,you have a week off work next week how will u cope ect ect, i have tried to stay busy this evening and now i will head to bed and hopefully be in a better frame of mind tomorrow.

My main cause for relapse is always the debating i have with myself. Its so frustrating, how can some people find it easy to quit yet others struggle so badly

 

For some it is that way. Easy, and others it goes hard. We didn't count on this when  we started but we have to finish it. Or it will finish us. You cannot debate with your addiction, it does not play fairly or think in a rational manner about health, happiness and your quality of life.

 

You can't negotiate with this. It will not give in, and will tell you the cigarette is your answer to everything, when it is the answer to nothing.

 

So why debate with the thing that will hurt you? You already know the why and how. This is your time right now. 

 

It will take your good looks, and your youth, I have seen it on women as have you. You know what it does and what it looks like.

 

Hang on to your quit please, for your sake.

 

xx

 

Markus

[Evelyn]

Laura you keep this going girl!

[laura]

Thanks markus and evelyn,

Im not sure why im finding it so hard, im worried about being off work next week which is silly i need to just focus on today but i keep thinking u may aswell smoke as you wont get through next week being at home. I think my head may explode

[Evelyn]

those are excuses - junkie thinking!!! Don't let those thoughts trick you!

[Still winning]

Yes you will get through Laura. No more excuses, no more reasons. You will get through because you want to be a non smoker...and the way to that is through these thoughts. You will get busy and sometimes you will distract and at other times you will stare those triggers down so they carry less weight next time. We will do it with you, so leave next week alone and do today! 

 

How was last night? Did you finish the loft? How is today? 

 

Focus on what you can do something about. xx

[laura]

Feeling more possitive, i was so close to caving this morning but just kept saying nope nope nope out loud. Sorted stuff for bootsale so all good. Been for a run then ate a pizza to myself lol now chilling with my princess.

Hope you guys have had a good day xx

 

Oh i joined the gym

[babs609]

Keep saying NOPE Laura. That's how its done!!

[Still winning]

NOPE can save your life, quite literally!

 

Enjoy your treats and you pizza. Good on ya for joining a gym, brilliant motivator :)  

 

Almost done sweets, tomora is another day!

 

x

[Ramona]

Rooting for you!

Go Laura!

No excuses!

Smell nice!

Breathe deep!

Big hugs!

Stand tall!

 

It's all good - just gotta get through the shit.

[Still winning]

Hey Laura, got your plans in place for this evening?

 

Anymore treats planned?

 

How are you today?

 

x

[laura]

Omg ****** up big time ended up smoking after huge row with my son. Went for leaving meal at work and my son kept phoning me as his just split up with his girlfriend who is pregnant and wanted me to call her i said i am out then he just throws abuse at me. Not an excuse to smoke but anxiety hit its prak as it always does then i go buy ciggs and think it will make it better then makes it worse. Anyway threw the cigs under a cold tap after smoking 2 in a row. So angry with myself

[Still winning]

Ok, well that sounds like a shitty convo that smoking did nothing for.

 

The rest are drowned, non smoking Laura recommence.

 

Now, did you at least take away from this that smoking did nothing to affect the cause or the outcome of the argument?? Because I feel like you could gain some valuable insight in a way.

 

Sorry about that convo though, sounds tough. x

[laura]

I just feel every time i try to quit smoking something comes up, even my husband that dont smokes says the same. I know some people may see it as an excuse but sometimes i feel like i wish there was some sort of rehab for smokers to go where yr not allowed to go go get fags whenever there is a crisis e trem i know but i am still so angry not just at the fact i smoked but also i still feel i want to smoke plus of course being worried about what the hell is going on with mu son. His not talking to me because i am unable to talk his firlfriend into speaking to him x

 

Thanks for replying marti xx

[Still winning]

I just feel every time i try to quit smoking something comes up, even my husband that dont smokes says the same. I know some people may see it as an excuse but sometimes i feel like i wish there was some sort of rehab for smokers to go where yr not allowed to go go get fags whenever there is a crisis e trem i know but i am still so angry not just at the fact i smoked but also i still feel i want to smoke plus of course being worried about what the hell is going on with mu son. His not talking to me because i am unable to talk his firlfriend into speaking to him x

 

Thanks for replying marti xx

You know what I did when I was really upset and didn't want to smoke. I cried Laura. I cried because I realized smoking wouldn't fix a damn thing but I still wanted to smoke and for the love of all that was good I really wanted something, anything to help me....

 

Therein lies the clue my friend. Smoking was never that thing. It didn't solve my problem that night and nor will it resove things between your son and hopefully daughter in law or not, depending on what fate has in mind.  All that actually happened was my addicted part of my brain started to cling onto reasons to stop being the non smoker that I had chosen to be. I had to enter into a battle of wills, with myself (pretty odd) a ton of times but every win made the next battle less difficult.

 

Bloody fight for it woman! So we don't get the easy peasy quit, and what? It's not our path to have it but a hard fought for quit can bring a ton of benefits that you're not even considering for now. Have you read my blog from today actually, written this morning. Life is so much better on this side of the quit. All you need to do is decide and hang on. 

 

Please don't think for one minute I'm judging. Jeez I was quitting for 14 odd years! Mostly hiding from quitting in that time if I'm honest. And I hear how many times you've done this and think blooming heck, you're actually stronger than me, I don't know if I could have kept trying that regularly!!  That's the honest truth, my run away was firmly ingrained so I believe in you more than me almost! 

 

The quit isn't lost, it merely lost direction and YOU put yourself back in the saddle and became accountable. The trick here my love is to learn the lessons so that next time you fight and not throw yourself over the edge. That abyss will kill ya chick!!

 

No excuses, no recriminations, no next week I'm off...let's "get 'er done" now Laura so you can move on with your life the way you want to. All those patients you can help more if you have a clearer head not dying for a fix! You're all good. Onwards and upwards!

 

x

[laura]

Thanks marti i really needed to hear this, i will never quit quitting that i promise you and i can not start this job smoking i am frustrated i had gone 4 bloody days which means the nicotine was gone so u have to go through withdrawal again but honestly it has never been the physical withdrawal i have fault always the mental.

I will get up and do my nope tommorrow is another day as u say onwards and upwards xx

[babs609]

no excuses Laura...you are just going to have get comfortable with being uncomfortable for a wee bit......that's all.  You only have to do it once.

 

No matter what....not one puff!  You can scream...stomp your feet...cry....punch pillows....RUN...run fast....run so freaking fast that it takes 10 min to catch your breath....you won't want to smoke after that...believe me!   drink water...call a friend...come on the board....youtube funny videos...anything but smoke because ~~whatever excuse you come up with to smoke --the problem doesn't go away with a puff....once you smoke you know you will feel like even more shit....that's how it works.

 

No....matter....what!  

 

That is it now...you are all too familiar with knowing that each time you chose to smoke...it didn't help your situation.  So...put that in your memory bank and remember that for this sticky quit.  Become that non smoker I know you want to be Laura...you can do it!!!   

[laura]

Thanks babs yr right i do want to become a non smoker in fact i am one right now.

 

I will have crap days and need to stop using these days a reason to smoke, i felt terrible after smoking, i always do.

 

This is it, im going to get up in the morning meditate and then excersise then have the best last day at work x

[Still winning]

Morning Laura,

 

First day of a new life! Well actually you already have a head start at a new life after drowning the cigs last night.

 

This is going to be an amazing new life for you. Believe in it and go forward with it.

 

x

[laura]

Thanks marti i am looking forward to my new life, i hope the debats in my head go do one soon lol xx

[laura]

I have started my ticker and every penny i save will go towards christmas and i know some people will say treat yrself but i get so much more out of buying stuff for my children and grandaughter plus i will have an extra grandchild by then xx

[Still winning]

I have started my ticker and every penny i save will go towards christmas and i know some people will say treat yrself but i get so much more out of buying stuff for my children and grandaughter plus i will have an extra grandchild by then xx

Maybe do a part and part?  

 

Only because I really think "seeing" a result of the quit (ie, I bought a charm, a rug, someone bought a phone etc) can bring something powerful and quick to dismiss a trigger/thought. I honestly have looked at my pandora charm which I wear all the time and thought nah, don't wanna lose the money for nice things again and then trolled along with my day. It killed a moment stone dead and the rug has done the same, it was a day I was really struggling and so I went and bought myself a treat. There's something in the treat yourself thing I think. x

[laura]

Sounds like a good idea marti i will do that, i have worked out i spend around £140 per month on poisening myself xx