Not again.

[MichelleDoesntSmoke]

Wow so those of you who were with me yesterday....well you remember. It wasn't pretty. I claimed victory when I laid down for the night. So so happy.

 

This morning I woke with a crave as usual but shook it off, reminded myself of my victory then pledged NOPE on the board. Did a little reading and reached out to a few people. Then started working (I'm building my website portfolio because I'm looking for work as a web designer/developer so right now all my work is unpaid, at home lol) 

 

When my roommate (the nonsmoker) left for work my brain went back to its old thoughts. Since I don't smoke around him (he knows I smoke but its something we just dont talk about cuz I'm embarrassed) as soon as he leaves I usually start smoking for the day. So of course when he left my brain went "Oh okay now its time to smoke. Oh you don't have any? No problem! We have money. Lets take a walk down to 7-11"

 

I said "No"

 

Here are all the reasons why, to remind myself by adding to what others will say:

 

It set about trying everything to convince me it was a dandy idea.

 

So yesterday when I was having such a hard time, one of the things I did was call my sponsor. She talked me down off the ledge then suggested I take the $8 or so that I would have spent on a pack last night, take it to the Dollar Store and buy myself some little treats/rewards then call her to tell her what I bought. If I smoke, I can't do that. I can't lie to her. I'll have to call her and tell her I didn't buy my treats because I smoked and am starting over. If I'm lucky enough to put them down after today.

 

I washed all my clothes. Nothing smells like smoke.

 

My hair doesn't smell like smoke.

 

My fingers don't smell like smoke.

 

I'm not coughing.

 

I can take a deep breath.

 

I'm not lying to anyone (I was a closet smoker)

 

If I have just one, I'll have to start this mess all over again.

 

I WONT have just one, I know I wont.

 

If I smoke today I will have to keep stopping working to go outside and smoke. What a pain.

 

I don't want to be like my mother. I remember as a child watching her attempts to quit and not understanding it..if she wanted to quit, why couldn't she just quit? Each time she started I was confused and disappointed in her (again this is when I was a child)

 

She died of pneumonia at age 62.  She had lupus so her immune system was compromised anyway, and smoking on top of that, well her body just couldn't fight it off. The doctors said her lungs were in VERY bad shape.She didnt care how she smelled and didnt seem to realize how her smoking bothered others. I dont want to be like that. 

 

Ok. Popping a blow pop in my mouth and getting back to work.

 

I guess this was a combination of reaching out asking for help and pre responding to my own SOS. Thank you for listening

[El Bandito]

A crave never killed anyone Michelle.

 

When they come, welcome them and wait them out.

 

thats all it takes.

 

you can do this

[MichelleDoesntSmoke]

Thanks Your Highness.

 

Again, Babs says something that helps me....

"Tempted to do what?  Kill myself?  slowly?  ingest poisons into my body?  no....not tempting at all....

tempted to put the shackles back on my wrists??   UM>...NO!!   Screw that....you are way way way way way way way beyond that."

 

I do NOT want to put something poisonous in my mouth and set fire to it. Thats madness.

[Evelyn]

I'm tempted to but it's false idea of what? Safety and fun? It will be fun when we end up in the H with lungcancer!

[MichelleDoesntSmoke]

Ah but then the rationalization kicks in. "Well, one more cig or one more pack wouldn't give me lung cancer" which is CRAP because it absolutely can. So even if I could keep it to one cig or one pack....I would still be putting myself in danger.So would you. Hang in there with me

[babs609]

exactly Evelyn.....I also wanted to add...you may be tempted at that moment....but how about the other moments when the smoker wakes up and starts the merry go round all over again...after they coughed up a lung and proceeded to light their first nasty cigarette of the day?  Or when they are facing the truth and promising for the thousandth time they are gonna quit....only to turn around and buy another pack?  Or when they are in a situation where they can't smoke and get fidgety and grumpy and they look at you all calm and serene...

 

See.....there really is NO SUCH THING AS 1 CIGARETTE...you smoke that 1 cigarette you are craving...and the thousands are coming right behind it...it's unavoidable...like aging.  Can't stop that either.  But aging as a non smoker...that's divine.  :)

[MichelleDoesntSmoke]

thank you thank you thank you. I am going to take a nap. After that, some more work and after that, a trip to the dollar store for treats and then to a 12 step meeting where I'll see my sponsor and sponsee sisters and will tell them YES!!!! I AM STILL SMOKE FREE!!!! WOOOOOOOOO!!!!

[babs609]

wooooo hoooooooooo!!!!!  That's how its done...doesn't matter how many scary moments, or SOS posts...as long as the end result is that you did not smoke...that's success!

 

well done!!!

 

:)

[El Bandito]

Ah but then the rationalization kicks in. "Well, one more cig or one more pack wouldn't give me lung cancer" which is CRAP because it absolutely can. So even if I could keep it to one cig or one pack....I would still be putting myself in danger.So would you. Hang in there with me

 

All true. And guess what? You wouldn't even enjoy it. The 'enjoyment' is an illusion. It always was.

[Mike.]

This morning I woke with a crave as usual but shook it off,

 

Yep! Waking up, and contemplating my day without 5 cigarettes the first hour, was always the worst. Think of it still, in my new quit again.

 

I do remember going months (yep) where it didn't happen in longer quits, so I am holding on for that again!

 

+1 for the way you are approaching your days and quit.

 

What are these blow pops you speak of. I'm a Canadian, it's not a term/name I am familiar with ... :huh:

 

Or, maybe it's just that I am just old, now. Don't know???

[Runfree]

As you know, when you stop something you create a void and you need to fill the void (hence the blowpops). My morning routine was to turn on the coffee maker and step outside for a smoke.  So, I decided to replace that space with preparing and drinking fresh squeezed lemon water.  It gave me something to do, it helped in healing my body and it brought calm and a bit of joy.  So now the first thing to hit my system is healthy, rather than killing me.  I buy a big bag of lemons at Costco for around $8 (less than a pack of cigs), I use 1/2 a lemon each morning and they last me all week.  

[MichelleDoesntSmoke]

TY RunFree....I had the same morning ritual. i love the lemon water idea. I want to get off caffeine too, as soon as I feel stronger in my quit. Or maybe now...IDK. Maybe best to rip that bandaid off.

 

Thank you Mike. you always have such helpful things to say!!!!  As for Blow Pops....they are delicious madness. Yummy suckers with a bubble gum center.

 

 

 http://www.tootsie.com/candy/charms-blow-pops