Validating Oneself

[Ramona]

It's hard to believe after living for 32 years, reading countless self-help books and going through quite a bit of therapy that I never heard about "validating oneself."  It's so simple.

 

Here's what happens:  Someone affronts you, you get upset, you are justified in feeling harmed/hurt...all you do is tell yourself that your feelings are valid.  That's all!!!  Instead of holding the grudge or sh*t talking about the offender - you just accept that someone has acted unkind, dishonest, malicious.  You accept that fact, commiserate with yourself, and move on.  This way you don't allow the situation to malign into something more powerful.

 

Whenever we complain about someone to another person we are simply seeking validation.  But we don't need another person to provide that for us. We don't have to hang onto the grudge. It doesn't even feel good to talk ill of another!!!  It hurts us more.

 

Love it.

[Sarah]

Or. Talking bad about someone to someone else actually allows you to see it from their perspective. And bitching about someone can be incredibly cleansing.

 

And as someone who had the shit beaten out of them by a boyfriend for several years I will and do hold a grudge, and I want as many people as possible to hold a grudge against him.

 

And I'm pretty sure that now, a year on, if I was gifted the opportunity to hit him around the head with a baseball bat like he did to me, I wouldn't.

[JackiMac]

Holding Anger or holding a grudge is just a wasted emotion, but I love this idea of validating.  sometimes we all do love a good grumble if someone has p@@sed us off, I am a great believer in Karma, what goes around comes around, Sarah I had an abusive Husband over 30 years ago who used to treat me as a punch bag, over time I learnt to no longer be bitter or hold a grudge against him, he shaped me into what I am today, anyhoo long story short, his mum passed away and the family wanted me at the funeral, he come up to me and apologised to me, I must admit I looked damn hot that day, and coolly just said, no need to apologise I am such a better person than you are or will ever be, felt good as I sashayed away seeing his mouth drop open, xxx

[beacon]

If I could tatoo this on my eyes I would so I could remember at work.

[Sarah]

he come up to me and apologised to me, I must admit I looked damn hot that day, and coolly just said, no need to apologise I am such a better person than you are or will ever be

last time I spoke to my ex he apologised and wanted me back. I told him to "piss off and die slowly in a burning car crash". I guess we're a little different!

[JackiMac]

last time I spoke to my ex he apologised and wanted me back. I told him to "piss off and die slowly in a burning car crash". I guess we're a little different!

LOL, not a little different Sarah, just 30 more years in between, xx

[robert]

Here's what happens:  Someone affronts you, you get upset, you are justified in feeling harmed/hurt...all you do is tell yourself that your feelings are valid.  That's all!!!  Instead of holding the grudge or sh*t talking about the offender - you just accept that someone has acted unkind, dishonest, malicious.  You accept that fact, commiserate with yourself, and move on.  This way you don't allow the situation to malign into something more powerful.

 

While I completely agree, this is easier said than done. I have been trying for years to reach this level of Zen, but much work remains to even get close to this. In my way of thinking, one must be able to remain completely centered and able to dissipate negativity meditatively on the fly. Tough, but an excellent goal. Good luck.

[Ramona]

"Dissipate negativity on the fly" = yes, tough.

Although SOMETIMES I can do this, most of the time I have to exercise to dissipate the negativity.  I wish this was not so.  I wish I could listen to my own recent revelation.  But I guess running it out is higher on the zen scale than smoking.  Maybe?  I don't know really.

[sgt.barney]

If you feel the need for "validation" ... you're doin' it wrong.

 

 

 

Easy Peasy

[cpk]

While I completely agree, this is easier said than done. I have been trying for years to reach this level of Zen, but much work remains to even get close to this. In my way of thinking, one must be able to remain completely centered and able to dissipate negativity meditatively on the fly. Tough, but an excellent goal. Good luck.

I like this, Mr. Robert. It takes a lot of getting out of ego's way to see where someone else is coming from. I think that's the key. I think quitting smoking is a brilliant way to support this process...as addiction is such an narcissistic thing. I also find the beginning quit is pretty narcissistic, and I can't wait for the time when I'm detached from smoking completely, with a neutral attitude. I also think to dissipate negativity on the fly you have to be living in a lot of love. Wow, I'm inspired to go hit the cushion now and do some meditating. Thanks. Practice and Patience. Practice and Patience. :)