How 1 year looks and feels like to me...

[Still winning]

Jeez it's a lot of writing, I talk too much :)

 

1 year and 1 day ago I wrote something on a support forum. I had no idea where it came from, I am a strong woman for sure, but this sounded like it had unending strength to "get er done" and I didn't have that for quitting! I had tried and failed many times from July through to last March, all roads led back to smoking. Social, weekend, less than a pack, more than before - all smoking! In truth I desperately wanted the quit...I just didn't know how not to be a smoker! By the time I got to a board I was depserate, confused, exhausted with trying and failing and assuming, if I'm truthful, that it would all end in dying of smoking eventually! So then when I wrote this I felt like I unearthed some real magic from somewhere I hadn't had access to in myself before:

10pm, March 11 2014:
My champix is taken and my quit date set, I have literally tried all other options and this is my last one. However my partner and mother both smoke. My Mum is disabled and has copd so can't actually get outside to smoke. It's not an excuse because I will no longer let it be but I failed previously because there are always going to be cigs around the house, that's not changing for now so I must have a better plan....but if I quit, maybe they will too?? 
Either way I would appreciate any tips, or things that really helped you if you think it could help me. I want this sooo badly as does my 8 year old daughter, I've gone from 30-40 to around 10 per day since preparing myself but I know the road is tough. So what helped you?? I genuinely want this to be the end and am prepared to go through whatever it takes now. Thank you. x

As I waited for the (mixed) responses to come in I lit my last cigarette that I will ever smoke. Answers ranged from "suck it up buttercup" (gee thanks), to "you got this" (do they even know how many failures I have, well no) to "just jump". That last gem stuck with me, I mean there's a nike ad saying just do it isn't there. What would happen if I just jumped!! It's not really me, I am a planner. I was already on champix, had tried patches, mega allergies and fights to get the champix yada yada...I'm a planner  :) So what could actually go wrong if I jumped? Now I was really thinking, what about if I jumped and just here on the forum gave people the real me, the stories as they unfolded, utterly unheard of.. I am the queen of repression and hide everything so I look strong, so this was all new. But it felt like the whole journey had to be real and that for the first time, I would let people help me and not be so independent. I tried to light a "final farewell cigarette" the next morning, and couldn't do it. I put it out and mentally dug in.

So I started a really crazy journey. I took a bit from here and a bit from there. Quitting is a journey, not an event. SNOT, grimness, but means smoking is not on the table...if it's not what can I do instead, I spent a lot of time smoking. NOPE not one puff ever...oh thank gods, someone added just for today in little words, forever was far too huge for me, I was struggling minute by minute! No one is more addicted, we are all addicts - no likey! I am not an addict I am a very strong woman...oh, will ya look at that, seems I'm an addict...and then the acceptance, brutal as it was. I visualized a smoke free me, I chanted, I switched from foot to foot shouting nope...I was an all fired nut job haha...but I was a non smoking nutter, so all good. Whyquit imagine if I was one of those who died young, I imagined telling my kids. I read horror stories and sobbed, I got really friggin real about what I was doing to myself and what a selfish tit I'd been.

Then came the deeper understandings. I cried the day I realized I would never have "just one" again. It felt like a grieving moment. I knew it was sick, but it was hard for me. I hated the cravings/triggers, how very dare they try and come for me, I raged, I cried (A LOT) and one godawful night in April some precious folk talked me down off the most horrible emotional ledge, I still cry if I read my own SOS from back then. I felt like I literally was in battle with myself.

In hindsight, I made it much harder for myself than it needed to be. Once I understood that, that I was already a non smoker, there was no fight, there was just day to day (really thank you Stu) then it got easier. As I stopped being scared I wasn't medicating my emotions with nicotine or repression and allowed myself to feel them and not be afraid to go through them, I got stronger. I let the most wonderful man ever talk to me like I was worthwhile as a person, not just the strong one who copes and felt validity in all I felt. I am honest in saying he saved my life, I know some of my strength was borrowed. So then, if I was now real, and free then I needed to test it, so I added exercise and loved that too! I still like burgers far too much but all healthy is too much for now lol. 

I had the money to holiday and extend my skills for a potential spiritual business. But more than that, I started to believe if I wanted it and worked at it, I could actually achieve anything, well maybe apart from being an astronaut, that ship sailed I guess but mostly anything else. As I stopped being fake and strong for everyone the fight back around me was immense. As numbers of people tried to "put the lid back on the box" but it was too late. I was proud of who I was and what I had done in my life, but also confident that I was worthwhile and carried a value that few around me had ever given. Some stood with me, some dissapeared and some fought. I still fight but I carry strength and support from a powerful journey. So I do say, if you do the journey the hard way, there's still value in it and all roads lead to rome.

So 1 heartwrenching SOS and 2 serious wobbles where thoughts of my buddy carried me through, I had given my word and I never break a promise. From desperate worries about whether I was even a likable if my own mother was so crazy mean to me were met with adoption from Nancy via chat. A throwaway support line made me stand back up and re commit to my journey. All the way through this board people have been throwing me a rope and helping me, mostly never knowing how much and I can only aspire to be half as lovely and supportive as some here.

Wow, feeling chatty I guess!

So my advice is trust and post. Believe and visualize yourself in the place you want to be and then backtrack back to one day, one moment at a time and let your sheer strength of self belief start to grow. It's about being the person you were always meant to be as much as it's about not being a smoker anymore and maybe trust in a little magic because it's everywhere. Magic in the deep breaths I can take, and the stamina I now carry. The strength of will and the gentle support I will offer as others did to me. 

I will always carry with me the eureka moment of a post by Markus though, no quitter is stronger than another. It's the vigilant quit that survives. This makes sense, the person who is aware of all their addictions and has learnt what that means will keep themselves alert to potential danger times. More than that look the addiction square in the eye and batter it down...

Marti, 1 - Addiction, shush now your got nothing that can make me give up this freedom!! 

[joe]

wow...

 

this is truly inspiring!

 

Marti....you are a great person, and this writing confirms that...

 

You ( and your writings) are simply amazing!

[Chrysalis]

Really great post, Marti! You describe your struggles and your journey with such clarity and insight! And I feel carried along with you to your final victory and your realization that as long as we remain vigilant we will remain free. I just love your post! Congratulations and many happy returns to one of my favorite fellow travelers. (((HUGS!!  :wub: )))

[cpk]

I really enjoyed reading this. I'm a planner, like you, so your suggestions really work for me. Like in one of your posts to me you said to make a plan to do something when the craving hits. You said - in your case, as an example - if you are making dinner and in kitchen you wipe down all the surfaces. I put a plan in place that I change location. If I'm inside go do something outside. Get involved in something new...some new task. I'm amazed at how well this works. The mind doesn't care about being asked to do something new. It just wants to DO.  The mind wants a dopamine fix.

 

There's healthy ways to -----  Do, and get reward.

 

The mind is satisfied. Craving melts away. Bit of a miracle.

[babs609]

Chat away Marti!!  It's your time and you are the star! 

 

So proud to know you!

[Nancy]

Wonderful post, Marti.  I would still be proud to call you my daughter!

[JackiMac]

Marti, I have no great words to give you apart from thanks and be proud my lovely, you have come so far xx

[Still winning]

You have all made my boring day filled with love and light, thank you.  For my treat we have decided to get a dog, as ya do :)  Looking at this breed right now as I do love a wolf....http://www.julestar-northern-inuits.com/studdogsbreedingbitches.htm

 

So my day hasn't all been about kids and sick mothers and Aldi supermarket runs haha.

 

Thank you all, you will never know how much the support has meant to someone like me. xx

[El Bandito]

Nice wolf.

 

The strength was and is, all yours.

 

KTQ

[Still winning]

Nice wolf.

 

The strength was and is, all yours.

 

KTQ

Don't fink so... but ta muchly :)

[Markus]

Marti,

 

Congrats on your stellar achievement!. I hope you celebrate this time in your life, because this is the big milestone, the one year quit and free!

 

That's how it's done folks, just like this. Bits from here, from there, and from everyone you can learn, no matter how new or old you are all of us have something to share.

 

You totally rocked that quit! Makes me smile :)

 

GTQ always.

 

Markus

[Nancy]

You have all made my boring day filled with love and light, thank you.  For my treat we have decided to get a dog, as ya do :)  Looking at this breed right now as I do love a wolf....http://www.julestar-northern-inuits.com/studdogsbreedingbitches.htm

 

So my day hasn't all been about kids and sick mothers and Aldi supermarket runs haha.

 

Thank you all, you will never know how much the support has meant to someone like me. xx

What a wonderful plan!!  I wish your day had been about celebrating only you...as always, you are constantly juggling so many things...but all of our hearts are filled with joy and celebration for you!!

[Doreensfree]

A brilliant honest post marti....

It's amazing when we look back...at the struggles ,and hang on to words of the folks who had come before us....

You have my sweetheart...come so far.....

It was a great read....loved it......

And I'm so pleased you are finally getting your own doggie.....brilliant.....great treat....

Hugs xxxx

[Still winning]

Marti,

 

Congrats on your stellar achievement!. I hope you celebrate this time in your life, because this is the big milestone, the one year quit and free!

 

That's how it's done folks, just like this. Bits from here, from there, and from everyone you can learn, no matter how new or old you are all of us have something to share.

 

You totally rocked that quit! Makes me smile :)

 

GTQ always.

 

Markus

Thank you, genuinely! You made a difference and I'm pleased you're back for a bit :)  Some bits are a game changer and just resonate. I carry the line of the vigilant quit survives with me daily, it makes my quit solid.

 

 

What a wonderful plan!!  I wish your day had been about celebrating only you...as always, you are constantly juggling so many things...but all of our hearts are filled with joy and celebration for you!!

Having the girls is celebrating me in a way...I wasn't supposed to be able to have children due to dodgy cervical cells that later became cancerous, but not before fighting the odds and having two kids. Wow, it's late and that's made me teary, but it's true...it's the craziest story...can't have kids, try 1 nearly die, try again, to be sure and bobs ya uncle...two girls. Would have kept going if my men weren't a bit suspicious generally and all me bits worked better haha...but 2's good. Blessed for sure, that's why they have the middle names Grace and Faith :)

 

Thanks Doreen, I like the doggie plan. Maybe for my Milly tbh, she desperately wants a dog and I want her to be happy.... either way, sounds like a plan, but shhhh, maybe still a holiday first, (fingers crossed).

[Ramona]

An excellent tale of fortitude and resilience.  Thanks for sharing.

[Frezflops]

COngrats!! :)

[Chrysalis]

Marti, dog, yes; wolf, NO! 

 

Wolves are not appropriate for pets. They are not domesticated. Their "fun" is to chase and kill other animals including cats and dogs. They don't bond to humans the way dogs do. Instead, they establish and respect territories-- yours and his. By nature, they do not obey, they mark (i.e. piss) all over the house, they get bored and rip up the sofa and the drapes and the pillows, they growl and could even bite when you try to take anything away from them (your sandwich, your best shoes, anything). If your child tries to grab her favorite toy away from the wolf, the wolf is likely to bite her-- wolves are very possessive. In most cases the humans eventually give up and take the wolf-dog to an animal shelter where they are euthanized. Just for being true to their wolf nature. 

 

Cesar Millan, The Dog Whisperer, warns people NOT to adopt wolves or wolf-dog hybrids. Here is his Youtube video about that subject: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qfpQVjYFcSE   There a quite a few Youtube videos warning against adopting a wolf or a wolf-dog hybrid. Don't do it!

[Still winning]

Aww you're a worryer Chrys, it's not awolf hybrid, I know that such animals should be in the wild where they belong :)  It's been breeding husky's, malamutes and german shepherds over a period of time that facially have some "wolflike" features. All good, defo want a pet dog. x

[Runfree]

Such well thought out, inspiring words Marti.  Utmost Congrats to you on your achievement and dedication to self.  And thank you a thousand times over.

 

Gorgeous dog breed.  You'd better get on your running shoes, or dogsled, or skijoring gear (huskies live to run).  Will you name it Bakon?

[bakon]

All that and you didn't mention our night of fun?

[bakon]

Plus mrs showed me a bunch of your real names from faceshamedagainstthewindowlickingaroundthebendonjimmysbusbook. This is going to be fun notnanceypresley plus I always forget how many jens this place has. Like a sale on the name Get 10 bucks off if you name her Jen

Smarti pants. One of the better names around here. Who came up with that? Somebody handsome I bet

[Tyme2B]

Marti your post is wonderful! I so enjoyed reading it! Wonderful perspective & you are doing a great job!

[cpk]

Jeez it's a lot of writing, I talk too much :)

 

1 year and 1 day ago I wrote something on a support forum. I had no idea where it came from, I am a strong woman for sure, but this sounded like it had unending strength to "get er done" and I didn't have that for quitting! I had tried and failed many times from July through to last March, all roads led back to smoking. Social, weekend, less than a pack, more than before - all smoking! In truth I desperately wanted the quit...I just didn't know how not to be a smoker! By the time I got to a board I was depserate, confused, exhausted with trying and failing and assuming, if I'm truthful, that it would all end in dying of smoking eventually! So then when I wrote this I felt like I unearthed some real magic from somewhere I hadn't had access to in myself before:

 

10pm, March 11 2014:

My champix is taken and my quit date set, I have literally tried all other options and this is my last one. However my partner and mother both smoke. My Mum is disabled and has copd so can't actually get outside to smoke. It's not an excuse because I will no longer let it be but I failed previously because there are always going to be cigs around the house, that's not changing for now so I must have a better plan....but if I quit, maybe they will too?? 

Either way I would appreciate any tips, or things that really helped you if you think it could help me. I want this sooo badly as does my 8 year old daughter, I've gone from 30-40 to around 10 per day since preparing myself but I know the road is tough. So what helped you?? I genuinely want this to be the end and am prepared to go through whatever it takes now. Thank you. x

 

As I waited for the (mixed) responses to come in I lit my last cigarette that I will ever smoke. Answers ranged from "suck it up buttercup" (gee thanks), to "you got this" (do they even know how many failures I have, well no) to "just jump". That last gem stuck with me, I mean there's a nike ad saying just do it isn't there. What would happen if I just jumped!! It's not really me, I am a planner. I was already on champix, had tried patches, mega allergies and fights to get the champix yada yada...I'm a planner  :) So what could actually go wrong if I jumped? Now I was really thinking, what about if I jumped and just here on the forum gave people the real me, the stories as they unfolded, utterly unheard of.. I am the queen of repression and hide everything so I look strong, so this was all new. But it felt like the whole journey had to be real and that for the first time, I would let people help me and not be so independent. I tried to light a "final farewell cigarette" the next morning, and couldn't do it. I put it out and mentally dug in.

 

So I started a really crazy journey. I took a bit from here and a bit from there. Quitting is a journey, not an event. SNOT, grimness, but means smoking is not on the table...if it's not what can I do instead, I spent a lot of time smoking. NOPE not one puff ever...oh thank gods, someone added just for today in little words, forever was far too huge for me, I was struggling minute by minute! No one is more addicted, we are all addicts - no likey! I am not an addict I am a very strong woman...oh, will ya look at that, seems I'm an addict...and then the acceptance, brutal as it was. I visualized a smoke free me, I chanted, I switched from foot to foot shouting nope...I was an all fired nut job haha...but I was a non smoking nutter, so all good. Whyquit imagine if I was one of those who died young, I imagined telling my kids. I read horror stories and sobbed, I got really friggin real about what I was doing to myself and what a selfish tit I'd been.

 

Then came the deeper understandings. I cried the day I realized I would never have "just one" again. It felt like a grieving moment. I knew it was sick, but it was hard for me. I hated the cravings/triggers, how very dare they try and come for me, I raged, I cried (A LOT) and one godawful night in April some precious folk talked me down off the most horrible emotional ledge, I still cry if I read my own SOS from back then. I felt like I literally was in battle with myself.

 

In hindsight, I made it much harder for myself than it needed to be. Once I understood that, that I was already a non smoker, there was no fight, there was just day to day (really thank you Stu) then it got easier. As I stopped being scared I wasn't medicating my emotions with nicotine or repression and allowed myself to feel them and not be afraid to go through them, I got stronger. I let the most wonderful man ever talk to me like I was worthwhile as a person, not just the strong one who copes and felt validity in all I felt. I am honest in saying he saved my life, I know some of my strength was borrowed. So then, if I was now real, and free then I needed to test it, so I added exercise and loved that too! I still like burgers far too much but all healthy is too much for now lol. 

 

I had the money to holiday and extend my skills for a potential spiritual business. But more than that, I started to believe if I wanted it and worked at it, I could actually achieve anything, well maybe apart from being an astronaut, that ship sailed I guess but mostly anything else. As I stopped being fake and strong for everyone the fight back around me was immense. As numbers of people tried to "put the lid back on the box" but it was too late. I was proud of who I was and what I had done in my life, but also confident that I was worthwhile and carried a value that few around me had ever given. Some stood with me, some dissapeared and some fought. I still fight but I carry strength and support from a powerful journey. So I do say, if you do the journey the hard way, there's still value in it and all roads lead to rome.

 

So 1 heartwrenching SOS and 2 serious wobbles where thoughts of my buddy carried me through, I had given my word and I never break a promise. From desperate worries about whether I was even a likable if my own mother was so crazy mean to me were met with adoption from Nancy via chat. A throwaway support line made me stand back up and re commit to my journey. All the way through this board people have been throwing me a rope and helping me, mostly never knowing how much and I can only aspire to be half as lovely and supportive as some here.

 

Wow, feeling chatty I guess!

 

So my advice is trust and post. Believe and visualize yourself in the place you want to be and then backtrack back to one day, one moment at a time and let your sheer strength of self belief start to grow. It's about being the person you were always meant to be as much as it's about not being a smoker anymore and maybe trust in a little magic because it's everywhere. Magic in the deep breaths I can take, and the stamina I now carry. The strength of will and the gentle support I will offer as others did to me. 

 

I will always carry with me the eureka moment of a post by Markus though, no quitter is stronger than another. It's the vigilant quit that survives. This makes sense, the person who is aware of all their addictions and has learnt what that means will keep themselves alert to potential danger times. More than that look the addiction square in the eye and batter it down...

 

Marti, 1 - Addiction, shush now your got nothing that can make me give up this freedom!! 

This is a great reread. I could read it every Sunday...to secure my quit, and get my thoughts straight for the week ahead...

[Tyme2B]

This is a fantastic read. I read it twice and it is so true! This is a wonderful journal of highs & lows, determination, sheer grit & refusal to fail, accepting help & giving back. It"s a story of hope. As a Newbie, I cherish the honesty & sharing. Thank you!