Feeling a bit shakey

[Gabby]

Last night my friend and I went to a play.  I have known her since our kids were in Kindy(pre-school) we become best buddies as on the school trips quite often we were the only one who smoked, so we use to nip off and fine a place where no one else could see us.  We have had several quits together, but I have always been the one who failed first.

 

Anyway last night she said she had started to smoke again on the way to the Play.  I never thought much about it until we were on the way home and she said she had to stop for a smoke as the kids did not know she had started again.  We sat in a bus stop, I sat with her and she pulled out her smokes and offered me one, I took it and while waiting for the lighter so many thoughts ran thru my head.  Could I go back to nearly $27.00 a day, what would my son say, and how would I tell you guys I failed again, could I go thru another quit.

 

While I was thinking all this, I took the cig back out of my month and gave it back to her and said I can't go thru this again.

 

All of a sudden I seem to be going backwards, I read all that is offered on the site, but it's just not sinking in at the moment.  It's like I know all the bad things and I like being smoke free but the addict in me won't stop.

 

Now that I am feeling better I just want to smoke. I know it makes no sense.

 

I wasn't going to blog this but it's been bugging me all day.  What happens next time.

[buMbLeB]

While I was thinking all this, I took the cig back out of my month and gave it back to her and said I can't go thru this again.

Last night of vacation, no time for sentences. Gabby, how can you think you are not strong? Can you read what you wrote? How many people could have done what you did, LITERALLY snatching victory from the jaws of defeat?

 

I never spoke to you before, but I think you're a rock star. What an awesome test of character, and a trigger vanquished. You just passed a huge test in dramatic fashion. I salute you.

[babs609]

BumbleB is right..you ARE a rockstar!

 

I don't believe there will be a next time....or you would not have even posted that.  You came clean.  If the inner junkie was winning...you wouldn't be here at all.  There' a reason you came back here....and that is the reason.  To re-enforce what you already know.  That you will not smoke.  Not today.  not tomorrow.  

 

you just won't.  

[Jenny]

Gabby, I would say that your time getting educated about nicotine addiction has had an effect since you did not smoke.  We'll always be addicts needing to guard our quits because our lives depend on it.  It always amazes me how our minds remember smoking as such a rewarding experience when it wasn't.  What was rewarding about not being present for those we love because we had to smoke?  I remember craving a cigarette before I had even put out the one I was smoking.  It wasn't really helping....I just foolishly believed it would.  

 

I think what has happened will make you stronger in your quit.  The more you walk away the more automatic it becomes.  

 

Good work Gabs.  You got this kid! 

[Nicole Diver]

It makes perfect sense.  It's like that abusive ex boyfriend, when remembering, it's always remembering 'the good times' (that never really existed.)

You did just as you needed to.  You faced down the challenge, you handled it, you WON.

Next time you will do the same.  And so on and so fourth, until it no longer is a challenge. 

 

No smoker wants to be a smoker.  No non-smoker wants to be a smoker.  No ex-smoker wants to be a smoker.   You are holding all the cards now.

 

Don't be so hard on yourself!  A lifetime of addiction will still pop into your head from time to time.  Doesn't mean you have to act on it, and you didn't.

[Sonic]

Quote Ava:  No smoker wants to be a smoker.  No non-smoker wants to be a smoker.  No ex-smoker wants to be a smoker.

 

[Nancy]

Gabby!!!  Wake up!!  You know smoking does not do one positive thing for you!  If you smoke you will be an even more depressed failure.

 

I will tell you exactly what will happen next time....you will say NOPE, once again, and it will keep getting easier and easier....

 

You haven't been around much lately...please stay close!

[babs609]

i agree with Nancy.....stick around.  You are still a young quit yet to be wandering off.....

 

 

Stay put....even if it's just to pledge daily....and pay it forward.  

[BAT]

Chin up and NOPE your way out of this G.

[Gabby]

I thought I was a big dumb ass for putting myself in that position, but you guys have a better way of looking at it. I'd rather be a rock star than a dumb ass.  Seems at the moment I can't be around smokers. 

[Pippa]

Gabby - I think you did great - what a trigger to beat down !! Now make sure you stick close to the board - we all want to support a star like you !! :-)

[Dors67]

You really need to know that what you did is such an inspiration for all those other newer smokers coming up behind you.  You have that inner strength that is a requirement for a successful quit.  You just don't realise it yet...but my darling Gabby...YOU GOT IT....as you do this quit. 

 

As for the next time...if there is one...draw on this experience and know that you no longer smoke and YOU have the power to keep living life this way. 

 

So very proud of you mate :)

[El Bandito]

Been there, done that.

 

A sliding doors moment.

 

You smoked for years and built strong associations. You are quit a few months.

 

Your buddy relapsing has given you inner junkie hope. She is whispering, "look, she is smoking, you are going to too. You want to. You can't quit for ever."

 

Out loud Gabby. Say "hey Junkie, I thought you had gone. I don't smoke. Got that? I don't smoke and I like being a non-smoker. Now, go forth and fornicate"

 

Completely normal Gabby. Believe it or not, you just passed a huge test.

 

Great work!

[Runfree]

Wow, you stomped on it.   I'm really impressed.  And all this advise is great to read.

 

(north island or south island?)

 

edited to say....Dors67's first sentence rings true for this newbie.

[Still winning]

Agree with all of the above.

 

Sometimes when we're swimming along with our quit we forget how powerful those triggers are! We know them well week 1 and week 2, day in day out sometimes but I truly believe later a trigger is a bit more of a surprise!  This is because the triggers are less frequent, so we're not really watching out for them. For some reason you think you're dumb that when triggered you followed an impulse and then snatched yourself back from it thinking "ah hell no, not again". You absolutely won over that trigger, so yes rockstar :)

 

I will say it until everyone hears it, the tough bits like that, where you wonder can you hold on...then do...are the absolutely biggest wins in the quit. It's you literally smacking down the triggers and with each one of those hurdles jumped, it gets easier.  You just passed the friend re-started trigger, but there will have been working in the garden trigger, holiday trigger, massive arguement trigger etc etc. All of these slightly more different and unusual triggers faced actually reinforce your quit, if you don't smoke! We all get them Gabby so please don't worry it's something about you. xx.

 

Are you financially able to treat yourself to something nice, last time I faced down a tough trigger I bought a rug for the lounge so I could look at it and "see" i was winning, it helped and it could with you too.

 

I think sometimes we assume we won't be addicts forever, but we will. What changes is not that we could smoke...but that we choose not too because that life is better! With each trigger point we pass the process becomes easier. Some go into easy peasy, some have to trudge a little more, probably a personality thing although I honestly don't know...still, end game is the same...

 

So you know I want to say sometimes, I look at a cig and think "could I?", still. The difference now is it doesn't pain me to say no, I won't. Only 3 months ahead of you Gabby, better times are coming and protect your quit, no smokers around may help. That line from Markus always stuck with me, it's not the strong person who quits, it's the vigilant person!

 

Loves beauty.

 

x

[Doreensfree]

Wow...gabby.....feel proud honey......what you did what amazin......and kickin butt....

You made a huge decision....smoke or no smoke....and your non smoking side won...

And what a battle it was....right on the front line....

You are winning your war........on top of the hill shouting ...FREEDOM...

I too think you should stick around more....play some games.....it all helps....

Well done sweetheart..