Know any jokes ?

[Sonic]

As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces

 

"If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman." She removes all her clothing and asks

 

"Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"

 

A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".

[Sonic]

A man asks, “God, why did you make woman so beautiful?”

 

God responded, ”So you would love her.”

 

The man asks, “But God, why did you make her so dumb?”

 

God replied, “So she would love you.”

[Sonic]

A man and a wife were in bed one morning when the wife said,

 

"I had a strange dream last night. I dreamed I was at a penis auction.

 

Long penises were going for $100 and thick penises were going for $300."

 

The husband asked, "What would mine go for?" The wife replied, "They were giving ones like yours away for free."

 

The husband said, "I also had a dream last night about an auction where they were selling juicy vaginas for $500 and tight vaginas for $1,000." "

 

How about mine?" the wife asked and the husband replied, "That was where they were holding the auction."

[Sonic]

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?”

 

The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm.

 

In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit.

 

After 50, they are like onions.” “Onions?” the son asks. “Yes. You see them and they make you cry.”

 

This infuriated his wife and daughter. The daughter asks, “Mom, how many different kinds of willies are there?”

 

The mother smiles and says, “Well, dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard.

 

In his 30s and 40s, it’s like a birch, flexible but reliable.

 

After his 50s, it’s like a Christmas tree.” “A Christmas tree?” the daughter asks.

 

“Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.”

[jimmy]

[Mike.]

Death was standing behind a lectern, poring over a map. He looked at Mort as if he wasn't entirely there.
You haven't heard of the Bay of Mante, have you? he said.
'No, sir,' said Mort.
'Famous shipwreck there.'
'Was there?'
'There will be', said Death, 'if I can find the damn place.'

[Sonic]

A kid walks up to his mom and asks, "Mom, can I go bungee jumping?"

 

The mom says "No, you were born from broken rubber and I don't want you to go out the same way!"

[jimmy]

[Sonic]

Have you heard about the population of Ireland?

 

It's Dublin

[jimmy]

[Mike.]

Two Saskatchewan hunters, Bob and Fred, were going on a hunting trip. They got to where they wanted to be and started walking.

 

After about a half an hour of walking, they sit down and take a rest.

 

Bob says to Fred, 'I'm not feeling too well".

 

Fred says, "Well, we can walk back to the truck".

 

Bob says, "Yeah, let's do that".

 

So they start walking. About 15 minutes into the trip, Bob falls over. Fred panics and calls 911.

 

The operator answers and says, "911, what is your emergency?".

 

Fred says, "My friend fell over with a heart attack, I think he's dead, what should I do?".

 

The operator says, "Well, first let's make sure he is dead".

 

Fred says, "Okay".

 

The operator listens and hears a BANG!!!

 

Fred gets back on the phone and says, "Okay. He's dead ... now what?".

[buMbLeB]

Two Saskatchewan hunters, Bob and Fred, were going on a hunting trip. They got to where they wanted to be and started walking.

 

After about a half an hour of walking, they sit down and take a rest.

 

Bob says to Fred, 'I'm not feeling too well".

 

Fred says, "Well, we can walk back to the truck".

 

Bob says, "Yeah, let's do that".

 

So they start walking. About 15 minutes into the trip, Bob falls over. Fred panics and calls 911.

 

The operator answers and says, "911, what is your emergency?".

 

Fred says, "My friend fell over with a heart attack, I think he's dead, what should I do?".

 

The operator says, "Well, first let's make sure he is dead".

 

Fred says, "Okay".

 

The operator listens and hears a BANG!!!

 

Fred gets back on the phone and says, "Okay. He's dead ... now what?".

 

I love that joke! Maybe it's a Canadian thing.

[jimmy]

[Colleen]

My favorite :)

 

What is brown and sticky?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A stick  :D

[jimmy]

[jimmy]

[Mike.]

I read one a few hours ago, in my doc's office waiting room. Let's see if I can remember it now.

 

A woman was talking to here neighbor about her recent fishing-trip with her husband.

 

She said, "I did it all wrong, again".

 

"I used the wrong hooks".

 

"I talked too loudly".

 

" I reeled in the line too quickly".

 

And, "I caught more fish".

[jimmy]

[jimmy]

[Mike.]

I was driving home along the highway from Vancouver, and stopped to get gas. I went into the restroom, and sat down on the toilet in a stall.

 

In a bit I hear from the next stall, "How ya doing?".

 

I thought, "friendly guy", so I answered, "I'm alright, how are you?".

 

He answered, "Good! What are up to?".

 

I said, "Well, I just relieved myself".

 

He said, "Great! Do you need a hand?".

 

I wondered a bit about that but, just said, "No, I'm alright".

 

He said, "Listen, I'll have to call you back. Some dummy in the restroom here, is answering all my questions".

 

...

 

 

[Mike.]

I was helping my smart-assed never-smoker brother, put up a new fence, once. He noticed that I hadn't had a cigarette all day and asked.

 

Did you quit smoking?

 

I said, I told you I have a cold.

 

Smart-ass, So?

 

Me, It hurts too much to smoke.

 

Smart-ass, You should get sick more often. You would live longer.

[jimmy]

[Sonic]

Mike takes spin (cycle) classes at the gym......He's been doing this for about 10 years so he one of the veterans and as such, he tries to help newbies set up their bikes ....adjusting seat height, handlbars, etc.......

 

So the other day a lady walks in.....a newbie.....and he offers to help her set up her bike...she accepts.  After he sets her bike up he tells her "The instructor will be here shortly and she'll go over the bike again with you and she may 'tweak' the adjustments a little..."

 

So the instructor comes in.....checks out the bike and says "It looks good....I'm just going to raise your seat up one hole."

 

Mike says (proudly)  "I was close ...just one hole off!"

 

And without missing a beat the newbie says "Well there are times when being one hole off can make a huge difference!"

[babs609]

 

"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl."

The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?"

...

"Yes, Father, it is."

"And who was the girl you were with?"

"I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."

"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?"

"I cannot say."

"Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?"

"I'll never tell."

"Was it Nina Capelli?"

"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."

"Was it Cathy Piriano?"

"My lips are sealed."

"Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?"

"Please, Father! I cannot tell you."

The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself."

Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"

"Four months vacation and five good leads..."