Oneistoo's Quit Journal

[Oneistoo]

I didn't wake up with a giant migraine this morning which is always wonderful! I'm going to stick with these eye drops for the three weeks' duration. Already they've made go away the sensation I had for almost a month that pins were somehow lodged in my tearduct. 

 

I feel that my weight is SLIGHLY lower. The part of the kitchen floor that I'm in the process of painting is around the toaster and the stove, so there's a lot of stuff I can't make and eat right now. Since I'm painting the floor white (from an depressingly dark brown color), it's going to take five coats and then several coats of matte floor varnish on top, all with drying time in-between. Coat #5 is tomorrow morning first thing. I may or may not be able to do the first coat of varnish in the evening depending on the light - it's so friggin dark in January, and it makes it really hard to paint surfaces. But this makes it many more days where my main foodstuff will consist of mostly fruits and veggies. This is a good thing, because I had become a bit to liberal with the toasted sesame oil in my daily diet! 

 

I painted for six hours straight in the bedroom today. I'll consider that exercise. I think I only need one more coat on all surfaces, and then some trim work. 

 

I think my eye drops may have taken away my cravings for the past couple of days. They are pretty strong steroids, and I can feel them in my body. 

 

I'm reading Marti's blog diary, and consider myself fortunate and priveleged that she in this way lets me into her mind as she is going through her quit. But I can't find the entries from around April 3 to around May 4 in the insane blog setup! My fuse is perhaps a bit short this early in my quit but it is definitely triggered by the blog format in the same way as with a food product that is difficult to get to because of user-hostile packaging. 

 

I loved this entry. Thanks, Marti!:

 

Goodness my brain has been busy!! It's so different now, the thinking, much easier but still conflicting.

I know for sure I will not smoke, no matter what. 3 Reasons for this.
1 I want to be a non smoker
2 I simply cannot do that withdrawal again, never in all my days would I have called myself an addict, until I realized I was an addict.
3 My fear of smoking now far outweighs my fear of quitting and the random thought neurons I still possess. Reading that back I still run by fear rather than what others say which is you have to not want to smoke more than you want to smoke. Same end game though I think.

My whole life is different from 3 months ago though, and I feel I ought to document that.
-How annoying was smokers cough and how fabulous is life without it! It had been so long I didn't even know how awful it was
-I am no longer controlled by impulses that damage my body
-I really like food! Ironic that I spent that many years eating because I had too but now I eat because it tastes great
-Financially, a weight has been lifted! £300 per month was no small amount to find
-If I want to exercise, I can. No more bright red, I just look normal
-I am building self belief here, I am an advocate of powerful thoughts but now I act in a way that aligns with how I thought

I wish I didn't still have the thoughts of oh I would smoke here, but I do. Where once I felt fear for them, then felt annoyed by them, now I want to smash them into next week. I get angry it still happens, I mean how dare my own brain try and trip me up?! It's my own brain! But I take responsibility that I taught it this is how we work and now I need to re program myself. I continue to do that with reading and watching what smoking does to a person, then imagining that it's me. The horror I feel at someone telling me about Cancerous cells again, or having to tell my children I made myself sick pushes me on where no words ever could or would. I think I will always be scared of the damage I have already done though and that is penance in a way I guess.

So this is how 3 months looks for me. I am ok, much better then I ever thought I would be really, who knew I could actually quit. The thoughts are just thoughts and I have found tools to cope with it. I read with real hope people who say they don't even think about smoking anymore  :) Maybe not me though where I have to watch it and breath it 2nd hand every day, maybe I will have to be eternally strong and on guard? I really hope not though. 

Still the one comment I made once sticks with me, this is both the easiest and hardest thing I have ever done!

But I am free!! There is all kinds of power in this freedom so I will always hold onto it. 3 months and counting.

[Oneistoo]

More good quit insights from Marti:

 

"My new personality is less tolerant and actually, I am now genuinely happy about that. I have ditched toxic people because my self worth and self value is higher. I have stopped being as afraid of people seeing the parts of me that before I would rather hide. I stand at 4 months plus quit saying, this is what I am and I'm ok if it's not for you."

 

"Quitting is a journey, not an event. Eternal vigilance. Addiction. All true, but look at the strength that surrounds this site, these people. This is a great time to be here and it feels amazing to pay it forward. I think I will be happy about it for a while."

 

"I can never completely undo the damage I did. That is my penance for stupidity and lack of education but it is no excuse from now and hasn't been for some time. I will protect my brain by understanding the associations and why they happen and my body will be protected by a nope philosophy that I will need to engage for my whole life. Thank you brain for trying so desperately to cope and rewire to enable the damage but we are ok to move on now, when you're ready."

 

:)

[Devil Doll]

I chuckled and the short fuse and irritability ohh yes it is the quit and the steroids... There were points in the beginning where I knew that leaving the house was not an option. I knew that at some point during the day some genius would push the wrong button and I would wind up charged with a class one felony. I didn't want that because I really don't look good in orange and I also live in a death penalty state so.... 

 

We would love to see pictures of your finished paint work! I think that we have a thread for it, too! *I'll search for it after dinner*

[Doreensfree]

Hi O

Just wanted to let you know I'm enjoying your daily read....

It's a great reminder for me....just how far I have come....

Personality change.....oh my....I'm the most lay back person.....but for a while I turned into a Rottweiler.....

But am now thankfully back to my normal self....

Your doing great.....keep marchin...and winning your battles....

Xxxx

[Oneistoo]

.....but for a while I turned into a Rottweiler.....

 

Haha.....snarling. :)

 

Well, I'm keeping a bit to myself this week and concentrating on getting the goddamn painting done already! The most maddening thing about it is the lack of light. Just about every day is grey and raining, and I need sharp daylight to be able to see the details in these very old and willful walls. At the end of my work on it today I had to postpone painting the last part of the ceiling because I simply couldn't see where I was painting. 

 

Anyway, the eyes are doing better. I don't think I'll ever be one of those women who whip out their eye drops in public, look up and drop them into their mascara'ed eyes. Me, I have to do it in the bathroom and it's more like doing a laborious operation. I may have to call for an additional prescription because I think I'll run out with all of the missing of my eyes with the drops. The way I'm doing it I might even be getting a triple dosis (the drops sometimes feel VERY big once in my eyes), just because I'm not doing it right. And yes, I did watch a video about doing it. But hey!

 

Nothing much else to report. I'm looking forward to being able to wash the floors in the bedroom and moving my stuff in there. It's wildly annoying.....my apartment is such a mess right now. 

 

I bet you can tell that I'm being irritable, LOL. Though I haven't yet hit the Rottweiler stage.  :)

[Still winning]

It's a hellava journey, that's for sure :)  It may seem odd as I did the quit the non easy peasy way, I wouldn't change a thing. The lessons I learnt prepared me for coping. You'll be good, just trust in the process. x

[Still winning]

PS april to may - page 5. xx

[Oneistoo]

I'm still having trouble sleeping, so my playlist of old movies on youtube gets longer and longer as I add to it daily. I now have 199 videos. Some of them are real gems. You have to watch the silent movies with the soundtrack off because the sound various people have added to the silents is awful and very distracting. I cut off the list at 1940....that's when the movies started to become very rigid and controlled. 

 

Here they are: https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PL_UJI0LI4NiZWwgxaRUbsFkyEWQCCJI48

 

Hmm...it's after midnight, and I'm hungry. Since I started painting the kitchen floor I've only eaten raw fruits and veggies, some dry fresh whole grain rye bread, and 5-grain rolled whole grains with raisins and rice milk (rice milk beats milk by a thousand percent because the sugar is natuarally built into the rice and you don't have to add it....plus, it keeps a lot longer in the fridge than milk). I noticed a vast improvement in my overall skin quality that has got to come from the diet (and perhaps also the minus cigarettes and much less coffee (coffee....my desire for coffee has vastly decreased lately). 

 

Hmm...back to being hungry. It always sucks when you get hungry after you've brushed and flossed and mouthwashed and gargled. 

 

Oh...I happened on a great recipe for home made mouthwash that I've been using for two weeks now, and it's a keeper! Here it is:

 

Teaspoon or whatever of baking soda

Bit of salt (I use Himalayan; it's natural, hasn't been bleached, has no added de-clumping chemicals and is pretty in pink)

Drop of peppermint oil (optional)

Quart or less of water

Shake before use

 

I've just guessed at the quantities when I've made it, and I make it every 4-5 days. I keep it in a jar in the bathroom. If it's cold in the bathroom, I add it to a bit of warm water in my rinse glass and swirl it around in my mouth. What attracted me to it was the fact that baking soda neutralizes acid, and this makes it great to use after you've eaten acidic foods or coffee (coffee is very acidic). 

 

Hmmm....back to the fact that I am hungry and have already brushed and flossed and mouthwashed. If I eat, I have to do the entire process over. There's another thing you can do if that's the bind you're in.....organic coconut oil. You just eat a spoonful, it does not contain sugar and it is not acidic so you are ok to not brush afterward. It gives the stomach something healthy to work on. 

 

I guess that's what I'll do. Goodnight, sweet souls. 

[laura]

Haha you do make me laugh but i just got in trouble by the hubby as he was sleeping and i started chuckling to myself lol

I done well with my diet also i turned down pizza tonight and going to fat fighters in the morning fingers crossed it's a loss.

goodnight sleep tight don't let the bed bugs bite if they bite BITE the buggers back haha sorry I'm such a child.

[Oneistoo]

From Frez, spot on as it explains in a very simple way the many unexplained actions in my life:

 

Addiction is a stupid thing and makes you make stupid decisions. 

 

 

[Tink]

Oneistwo how are you I hope you haven't fainted from lack of food sources, mouthwash and coconut oil just ain't gonna cut you know ;)

[Oneistoo]

Oneistwo how are you I hope you haven't fainted from lack of food sources, mouthwash and coconut oil just ain't gonna cut you know ;)

 

Nah, I spent some days at a friend's house while the paint was drying. :) 

[buMbLeB]

Nah, I spent some days at a friend's house while the paint was drying. :)

 

At the price of one super tasty quit smoking metaphor. Was it really worth it?

[Still winning]

How are you doing now hun?  x

[Oneistoo]

How are you doing now hun?  x

 

I'm ok. I've been a bit wobbly in my quit. But my apartment is almost done, and tomorrow I'll be able to use the kitchen again. For some reason I can't seem to kick myself in the butt to get going to the gym. Just general malaise, I guess....I think my brain is subconsciously romancing cigarettes.

[Oneistoo]

I stumbled and fell. I'm on a new first day. Yes, it's true - if you take just one puff, you plunge. Not right away, but give it time and you're back to where you were before. 

 

So.....that was no fun. But I am here again, and I want to stay quit. I really am not a smoker, I don't know why I keep kidding myself that I'm one. On the fringe upside, there's a great endorphine high waiting for me when my endorphines are low because of several days of no nicotine and I then go to the gym - I remember the last one, it was awesome. :)

 

Always look at the bright side of life. :)

[El Bandito]

Hey One.

 

Bummer.

 

A key element of this quitting thing it to not smoke.

 

A crave never killed anyone, smoking does. Every day.

 

Why no SOS? Why not commit to posting SOS before relapsing? Will it work? Maybe. Maybe not. But it might.

[Doreensfree]

Aww what a shame....I've seen a good few quits saved by SOS....

Glad to hear you jump right back on the train....

Learn my mistakes.....

You can do it...

[Kristin]

I would have smoked again if not for posting an SOS. Also reading my own response to myself, and my top ten list of reason's I quit. I carry the list around with me in my wallet and also posted it on my homepage here. 

 

Glad you jumped right back, learn from the experience and you can be that much stronger this time around. 

[laura]

Pick yr self up, brush yr self down and get back on. never quit quitting x

[Pippa]

Hey One - so sorry you smoked but glad you are back ... Now jump straight back into your posting cos I love hearing from you !! Love reading ya sweetie xx

[sherry]

 you had a good practice quit One, glad your back on the QT and gonna make this the one that sticks!!  :D

[Oneistoo]

Thanks. You guys are so sweet. Day two ain't fun, that's for sure. I'm distracting myself and counting the hours. Drinking tons of ice cold water. Banishing evil thoughts. Tomorrow I WILL go to the gym, no more excuses. 

[Rob]

Glad you're still on your journey One, I'm sure you'll reach your destination :) was it enjoyable as you expected, or was it an illusion all along?

[El Bandito]

Thanks. You guys are so sweet. Day two ain't fun, that's for sure. I'm distracting myself and counting the hours. Drinking tons of ice cold water. Banishing evil thoughts. Tomorrow I WILL go to the gym, no more excuses. 

No pain, no gain One!

 

Keep marching.

 

When all else fails - Brute force and ignorance works.