Oneistoo's Quit Journal

[Oneistoo]

I think my sense of time is being affected by my quit. Did any of  you experience this in the beginning of your quit?

[Oneistoo]

Uh, well put. I'm borrowing this line from SanDar: 

 

 

Smoking is the biggest lie ever. You get absolutely nothing from it but a craving for the next one. 

[Oneistoo]

Well, you must be somehow on the mend when the only cravings you get during the day are for CANDY! :)

[El Bandito]

Candy....mmmmmmm...

[Oneistoo]

This is great, from Doreen:

 

Somewhere deep in my memory....I had a life where smoking meant more to me than anything....
Now...anything is more important than a smoke....
There is only one way.....n.o.p.e....... 

[Oneistoo]

As Marti says, "Each bad day/trigger etc you face down strengthens your quit and gives you ammo to wipe the next similar thought out quicker."

 

In my previous quits, those discussions with myself about whether I should smoke or not smoke took about thirty seconds then I would go buy a pack of cigarettes and chain-smoke them. Sometimes I would try to quit again the next day, sometimes it took a few days before I could start a new quit, sometimes it took weeks or months. I spent an enormous amount and time and energy on this....but I didn't really notice it, I think, because it had become everyday life for me. 

 

When I relapsed and lit up the first cigarette and started chain-smoking, it felt very much like I was refilling something. It wasn't so much smoking as fueling up. Now that I've seen and read Joel I understand that this was actually what was going on. But what disturbs me more is that it somehow unhooked me from everything, mentally and emotionally. I became unconscious, in the best Eckhart Tolle understanding of that concept. I was somehow floating in my own little bubble, unconnected to reality and to who I really am. 

 

I think now perhaps I am able to more clearly observe myself acting and thinking as a nicotine drug addict. Before, I was not able to look at myself from the outside because I was too immersed and unconscious. The trick, I think, is to not let what you see scare you and make you smoke to forget about it, but just face it calmly while you figure out what to do with the new information you now have about yourself. It's good to be with understanding friends here while you're doing that. 

 

There is one aspect of the 12 step program that works like magic if you let it, and that's the surrender part of the program. Stop trying to control your addiction, stop fighting it; instead, surrender and give your power to something greater than yourself to take away your addiction. In some miraculous way this opens up recovery and healing, and takes away the white-knuckling. Almost as soon as I did that when I quit drinking ten years ago it flowed easily and the minute I did that for my smoking, I found Quit Train and Joel Spitzer, and I have now been quit for 13 days, the longest I have been quit in nine years. And it has not been that bad....actually, it has been infinitely easier than the constant and exhausting war with myself over whether or not to inhale deadly substances into my body. 

[Oneistoo]

I want to tuck this here because I think it's funny:

 

 

Step Zero: "This shit has got to stop!"

[Still winning]

As Marti says, "Each bad day/trigger etc you face down strengthens your quit and gives you ammo to wipe the next similar thought out quicker."

 

In my previous quits, those discussions with myself about whether I should smoke or not smoke took about thirty seconds then I would go buy a pack of cigarettes and chain-smoke them. Sometimes I would try to quit again the next day, sometimes it took a few days before I could start a new quit, sometimes it took weeks or months. I spent an enormous amount and time and energy on this....but I didn't really notice it, I think, because it had become everyday life for me. 

 

When I relapsed and lit up the first cigarette and started chain-smoking, it felt very much like I was refilling something. It wasn't so much smoking as fueling up. Now that I've seen and read Joel I understand that this was actually what was going on. But what disturbs me more is that it somehow unhooked me from everything, mentally and emotionally. I became unconscious, in the best Eckhart Tolle understanding of that concept. I was somehow floating in my own little bubble, unconnected to reality and to who I really am. 

 

I think now perhaps I am able to more clearly observe myself acting and thinking as a nicotine drug addict. Before, I was not able to look at myself from the outside because I was too immersed and unconscious. The trick, I think, is to not let what you see scare you and make you smoke to forget about it, but just face it calmly while you figure out what to do with the new information you now have about yourself. It's good to be with understanding friends here while you're doing that. 

 

There is one aspect of the 12 step program that works like magic if you let it, and that's the surrender part of the program. Stop trying to control your addiction, stop fighting it; instead, surrender and give your power to something greater than yourself to take away your addiction. In some miraculous way this opens up recovery and healing, and takes away the white-knuckling. Almost as soon as I did that when I quit drinking ten years ago it flowed easily and the minute I did that for my smoking, I found Quit Train and Joel Spitzer, and I have now been quit for 13 days, the longest I have been quit in nine years. And it has not been that bad....actually, it has been infinitely easier than the constant and exhausting war with myself over whether or not to inhale deadly substances into my body. 

This reminded me of something I read once, you mention "the bubble" and Markus (an older quitter who did his time and is now living a free life wrote once:

 

And so you too will become exactly what you seek if you so choose it. You will lose yourself as you are, and become who you were meant to be, a free person. But, it comes at a price, and we have all had to pay it. You have to leave yourself behind to find yourself anew.

 

When you can do that you will know that it's real, and that it will be forever. The rest of your life awaits.

 

Congratulations on your quit!

 

I love it!! Thought it might do something for you too :)

 

I dunno what happened to my pants then...guess I ate too much ;)  Literally no idea, didn't do anything but am cracking up laughing that I thought people meant I was clever lol, oops!

[Oneistoo]

And so you too will become exactly what you seek if you so choose it. You will lose yourself as you are, and become who you were meant to be, a free person. But, it comes at a price, and we have all had to pay it. You have to leave yourself behind to find yourself anew.

When you can do that you will know that it's real, and that it will be forever. The rest of your life awaits.

 

I'm plenty happy to pay the price of leaving the tortured person I was behind! I HAD NO IDEA that nicotine was the silent culprit, or rather how my state of constant nicotine withdrawal made me nervous and unbalanced. It explains so much in my life. I can't believe I even PAID for this. 

 

I feel a lot of compassion for myself these days. What a bum deal to have been so heavily addicted for so many years. I'm going to be more caring with myself in the future. And it helps a lot to have the company of QT in my corner. 

 

HAHA on your pants! Even funnier that you can't see just how huge they are. :) Ooops, I just double-checked them....they're back to their original size.

[Doreensfree]

I carnt believe how addicted I was either...all those years....

I have more energy,more patience,and I'm more calmer than I have ever been.....

Its great to hear you are feeling the beniefts....and it just keeps getting better....

Keep marchin...

[Pippa]

Love reading these posts Oneistoo - you really have got this and your quit seems almost serene ( or is that just your avatar) You clearly have got this and already have so much to pay forward ... And like Doreen says - it just keeps getting better

 

 

Oh and Marty - I always think you are clever ( regardless of the size of your smarty pants !)

[Oneistoo]

Uh-oh, I came close to smoking today, or closer than I have been at any point during this quit! It was just a thought that kept coming into my head, that I could just smoke a pack and then quit again right afterwards. My rationales for staying quit somhow seemed to recede colorlessly into the background, and the "why not smoke" thought was all HD color and shiny. 

 

It's a bit blurry to me now, how I got rid of it. I told it that it was a lie. I meditated. I went to the gym. I bought avocadoes and ate one. 

 

I'm glad I'm now stronger for having experienced this. :)

[Doreensfree]

Well done O for fighting the urge....

It's the junkie thinking...still trying to trick you back....

You did just the right thing...keep busy....it will pass....

Love advocadoes....yum...

[Still winning]

The worse the crave fought, the stronger the quit!! Good on you chicky, none for that smoking malarky...that shizzle literally tries to kill you!! Pleased you managed to get a handle on it, virtual hi five! Sometimes those thoughts grab a bit of ground and start running, youdid the perfect things in distracting yourself to force it out of your head.

 

Keep marching, it gets easier an easier to knock those crazy junkie thoughts into touch until they start to diminish :)

 

x

[Devil Doll]

Crave fought and won. Congratulations Oneistoo. Wonderful job. 

[Oneistoo]

Thank you guys, I need to hear this, and please keep it coming.

 

I think I'm a bit low on the self-esteem quota lately. I'm at an in-between stage in my life - studies (undertaken at a mature age) are over and I am looking for a job. I guess uncertainty is pretty stressful. 

 

And yes, it is tempting to just go buy a pack of cigarettes.... but that won't get me anywhere. And I'd hate to suck that nasty stuff into my lungs that are beginning to heal. Besides, I know that a thousand cigarettes will not be enough for me, an ocean of cigarettes will not be enough for me. 

 

I'll eat some ice cream instead, says Miss Rapidly-Approaching-Blimp-Size.....

[Kristin]

Uh-oh, I came close to smoking today, or closer than I have been at any point during this quit! It was just a thought that kept coming into my head, that I could just smoke a pack and then quit again right afterwards. My rationales for staying quit somhow seemed to recede colorlessly into the background, and the "why not smoke" thought was all HD color and shiny. 

 

It's a bit blurry to me now, how I got rid of it. I told it that it was a lie. I meditated. I went to the gym. I bought avocadoes and ate one. 

 

I'm glad I'm now stronger for having experienced this. :)

 

Sounds like your junkie took the wheel for a minute, good thing you put that biznatch back in her place. ;)

 

Avocados are great, Bananas are awesome too.

 

You won today. 

[El Bandito]

Sounds like one of my personal favourites, the "wherethehelldidthatfullbodycravecomefrom"?

 

You don't get many - but when they come - ouch.

 

Fantastic work - you have crossed a really important bridge today. Your junkie brought everything it had, got you on the ropes, but you ducked and weaved back to the centre of the ring...you are on top. 

 

Well done.

[Still winning]

Take what you need. Sometimes we have to call it, battle on!  Other times we ride the waves of ease. Both have valid parts of our quit, one part would not work alone, it would be too easy or too hard. Your quit is strong and perfect. Make sure you cherish it like a baby, do what it needs to make it strong and self sufficient. x

[Oneistoo]

Thanks  guys....here's another one I don't want to forget (it's yours, Marti):

 

 

 

smoking caused this...not smoking will end it

 

 

And obviously, if i smoke I'm just perpetuating it all. There are a lot of very good quotes in Laura's SOS today that I want to copy over here tomorrow. 

[Oneistoo]

13 things to remember when things get rough: http://consciouslifenews.com/13-remember-when-life-rough/1172177/

[Oneistoo]

The only people who crave forever are the ones who keep smoking

[Oneistoo]

From MasterGardener: 

 

When I get those thoughts that just won't go away, I have taken comfort from everyone here who promises that it WILL get better. As they have all said to me at one time or another, who could stay quit if it stayed this bad?

[Oneistoo]

From Rob:

 

I can COMPLETELY relate to how you're feeling right now - I feel the same. I'm one bad decision away from walking to the supermarket and ending this discomfort. 

But... I know this from reading on the forums: 

1) The bad feelings are temporary. They pass. Ive felt crap and fabulous all in one day. Now is bad, tomorrow is good. 

2) The bad feelings come fewer and far in between.

3) Cigarettes caused this feeling. If you smoke again, this feeling will be caused again. 

Imagine a year from now two versions of you. One that smokes still, and one who has come out the otherside a happy and confident non-smoker, who looks back on smoking as quite a strange and foreign thing that doesn't make much sense anymore,

[laura]

Hey Oneistoo i hope you feel better today x