Oneistoo's Quit Journal

[Mastergardener]

Welcome from another fairly new quitter. You will get all the help you ask for here!

[Doreensfree]

I have a question: There's a "Like this" button for replies to my original post. Is it customary to use it here? I mean, I really would hate to get into a "like" / showing-dislike-by-not-"liking" judgmental kind of extravaganza. So for me, the option is to either "like" all messages to me, or alternatively not "like" any messages. And yes, I don't want to hurt/displease/anger/upset anybody who has taken the time to respond to a post from me. 

 

Boy, I can see from my writing that it's been some hours since my last cigarette, LOL! :)

It was about 12 months for me...before I found out about the like button....

Nobody here even mentioned it....no worries....

[Oneistoo]

I'm going to save this one for future fortification:

 

[Oneistoo]

I changed the title of this thread so I can use it as my quit journal. Maybe there's a journal place here, but I haven't found one yet.

 

Hmm....that ticker thing spreads out the cigarettes over a 24hr period, so it seems low. I could easily smoke 11 cigarettes in less than two hours. I think my recent cigarette use must have been higher than a pack a day.

 

I've eaten a ton of healthy foods and beaten down a craving for straight candy (which I don't have at my home), but I'd say that I'm jonesing right now even with the NRT (I think it's called NRT). It's after midnight, so I'm not going to start to do anything majorly distracting....I'll just let it pass through me.

[MarylandQuitter]

Welcome, Oneistoo!  We have a blog section to the site if you'd like to publish your own blog.  Either way, it's good that you're keeping a journal because it will be invaluable as you get some time under your belt.

 

We don't beat this addiction by being stronger than it.  We beat it by being smarter than it.  Learning about our addiction and "why we smoke" instead of "why we shouldn't smoke" makes a huge difference in whether we're happy non-smokers or non-smokers who feels like we're missing out on something.  As you know, cigarettes don't benefit us in any way.

 

Your past quits don't mean anything now, only this one does.  You must treat this quit as the final one and protect it at all costs.  You must keep it separate from life because life will always throw us a bunch of crap at times and we can't let life's woes influence our quits.  Doing so only keeps us constantly quitting and then relapsing and in the mean time, we're doing more damage to our bodies.  It has to come to a stop and education about this addiction will make the difference.

 

Have you started watching Joel's videos from the beginning?  I have them in some fashion of order, especially on the first few pages.  Here's a couple of my favorite videos from Joel.

 

Good Reasons To Take A Puff On A Cigarette After Having Quit Smoking

For people who think that there are no good reasons to take a puff on a cigarette after quitting, and more importantly, for people who think that there might actually be good reasons.

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wvHl-zwUdBo

Related video:
There is no legitimate reason to relapse
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tCm_5...

 

Who Wants To Go Back To Smoking?

This video discusses how former smokers at times think they want to go back to smoking, but if they really remind themselves of the package deal that goes along with being a smoker, it will be easy for them to stick to their quit.

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DG9qGjf2hd8&list=PL76365B6CE2DA076B

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KViTfIfHUv0

[Oneistoo]

Thanks, MarylandQuitter! I found the personal blog space but I like writing here so much better. The blog space seems isolated from the main boards because of the different format. I hope nobody minds me doing this....and yes, I do feel a bit like I'm standing in the middle of the dance floor, wearing the wrong dress by doing it, but that just makes me more accountable, if that makes any sense.

 

You must treat this quit as the final one and protect it at all costs.  You must keep it separate from life because life will always throw us a bunch of crap at times and we can't let life's woes influence our quits. 

 

Yes. That's very succinct. The fog that my addiction causes in my brain makes it hard for me to see reality. 

 

And super thanks for the Joel clips! It's great that they are in my journals so I can go back and watch them if my resolve weakens. :)

[Pippa]

Late as always - but welcome and congrats on a great decision . Keeping a journal is a great idea - and I'm looking forward to reading more from you !

[DCCXXVII]

I have a question: There's a "Like this" button for replies to my original post. Is it customary to use it here? I mean, I really would hate to get into a "like" / showing-dislike-by-not-"liking" judgmental kind of extravaganza. So for me, the option is to either "like" all messages to me, or alternatively not "like" any messages. And yes, I don't want to hurt/displease/anger/upset anybody who has taken the time to respond to a post from me. 

 

Boy, I can see from my writing that it's been some hours since my last cigarette, LOL! :)

I like posts if I can relate to it personally or maybe it was something I hadn't thought of before and think it is a great idea/witty etc

 

I don't think anyone will get hurt if you like a post but not another

 

If you chose not to use likes that is entirely up to you

 

Btw... you are doing great Oneistoo :)

[Nicole Diver]

Welcome Oneistoo!

You can post a journal anywhere you like here. Whatever works best/aids your quit.

I am a firm believer also in 'what gets measured gets done.' Accountability oftentimes helps us do what we know we should. We are here for you whatever you need, most of us have tried quitting before and blew it, you are not alone in that aspect at all. I know you can make it stick this time. I think a lot of us would say 'if I can quit, anyone can.' It's true it is not about being stronger than the addiction, but smarter than it. It's so important to save yourself and your health and wealth. You should be proud of yourself for actually doing this. I promise we will help you in any way we can!

All the info you can read and watch on this addiction will help you understand/beat this. AND be a happy ex smoker to boot.

[action]

Hi, welcome to quit train!

 

I look forward to getting to know you on this journey :)

 

PS you do not run out of 'likes' here, so if you felt like you wanted to, you could like everything :)

[Oneistoo]

I'm feeling flu-ish, a classic withdrawal symptom. But I broke this mornings Groundhog Day routine, yay. I'm feeling too flu-ish and it's too windy and rainy for me to go to the gym right of the bat, which is another goal of mine.

 

I'm also feeling that borderline crazy-feeling that I know from earlier quits. It seems to be a mixture of angry irritation and an inability to think clearly. It must be coming from the chemical withdrawal of something other than nicotine as I'm still using replacement. 

 

Ah, well. One minute at a time. 

[sharonsiff]

I'm feeling flu-ish, a classic withdrawal symptom. But I broke this mornings Groundhog Day routine, yay. I'm feeling too flu-ish and it's too windy and rainy for me to go to the gym right of the bat, which is another goal of mine.

 

I'm also feeling that borderline crazy-feeling that I know from earlier quits. It seems to be a mixture of angry irritation and an inability to think clearly. It must be coming from the chemical withdrawal of something other than nicotine as I'm still using replacement. 

 

Ah, well. One minute at a time.

 

The good news is it only lasted fours days when I had this happen. I was in the same boat, still using nicotine, yet had an extremely uncomfortable bout of quitters flu through the chemical smoke detox.

 

The even better news... As I always think there is good news... Is that once your body gets over this you will never, ever!, have to ever do this again... And feel like this again.

 

Try and make yourself as comfortable as you can, drift in and out of sleep if you can. Just think in a few days you will be over the chemical detox and as pleased as punch. Xx

[Oneistoo]

The good news is it only lasted fours days when I had this happen. I was in the same boat, still using nicotine, yet had an extremely uncomfortable bout of quitters flu through the chemical smoke detox.

  

Quitter's flu, how apt! Thanks! I've had it many, many times as I have attempted to quit, and now I have a name for it. 

 

So in my little head I have to change my mindset from "God, not AGAIN, I've wasted so much of my time feeling like this!" and combine your thought with MarylandQuitter's thought about this being the FINAL TIME. 

 

There's another thing that happens when I quit (and, this being my FINAL QUIT, I may likely experience it again): all sorts of skeletons in my closet start to rattle. All of the mistakes (imagined or real) I have made in my life somehow bubble up in my mind, and are made to take on gigantic proportions. Many times this has been where I have opted for self-medicating with cigarettes again because smoking seems to make the negative thoughts go away. 

 

Not this time, though! I'm just going to go through it. :)

[sharonsiff]

I had exactly the same thing happen too.. My mind and lack of understanding of how to manage it caused me problems too. I turned to a book, The Chimp Paradox by Dr Steve Peters and my mind is simply my good friend and not my enemy anymore. I'm not saying the book will be your sort of thing but if you do get a spare five minutes check it out.

 

It was a case of following the doctors advise and taking anti depressants or giving this book a damm good go... I went for the book and it has turned my life around.

[Oneistoo]

Thanks, Dancing Queen! :) I did check it out on Amazon, but I have so much knowledge already about cognitive psychology (believe it or not, one of my degrees is as a addiction counselor). I think it's literally a question of me 1. realizing that anything I feel is likely to be distorted and amplified by the withdrawal, and 2. seeing what bubbles up as instructive not destructive, 3, Just going through it, it won't kill me (I think part of the reason I would quit my quits in the past was pure laziness), 4. use my by now excellent meditation skills in the process, as meditation puts me in a place where negativity somehow loses its sting and becomes insignificant.....this is actually a really good exercise, this cigarette quit, in incorporating meditation more into my daily life.

 

My aim is to live meditatively, which means that I am crystal clear in my head at all times and completely aware and tuned in, yet *I* select what gets attention in my brain. I've been working on getting better at this for the past two years, only cigarettes have been in my way because they produce this fogginess in my head (I don't know if they do this to everybody or only some people). It's a great way to live, because you are not hijacked by whatever reactive egoic or addictive aspects you may have inside you, instead, you are able to let the "real you" live your life in a much lighter, happier and fulfilled way. Quitting smoking is the last, big hurdle. :)

[Oneistoo]

Yay, it's four in the afternoon in my timezone, and I'm doing relatively well. It helped my flu-symptoms that I drank a couple of cups of strong coffee. Coffee is another addicition of mine, but one that I can more easily control. Eventually I think I want that one gone, too. Why? Because when I have taken long breaks in drinking coffee it takes only one cup to make me start drinking it addictively again. And then when I quit it, I get mammoth headaches for several days. Sugar is ditto. I had been almost candy free for an entire year, and Christmas Eve I ate a traditional dish of candied potatoes and ate some dessert chocolates afterward.....and for the next three weeks I had frequent cravings to buy sugary foodstuff and candy! I really, really hate the feeling of my brain getting hijacked by cravings, nomatter what their origin. It is incredibly unproductive and taxing brain activity. 

 

Oh, to live one's life free..... :)

[sharonsiff]

I can tell your serious about this quit and I am going to look forward to you daily (hopefully) updates and to be part of this exciting experience with you.

 

I don't meditate but do practice very deep breathing and find it a godsend.

 

As you say not to be hijacked anymore, and to be totally in the 'real you' mode is simply heaven.

[Oneistoo]

As you say not to be hijacked anymore, and to be totally in the 'real you' mode is simply heaven.

 

I think that's the task for us here on Earth, to learn to be able to do this. Because that real you is free of all fear and its manifestations of ego, negativity, jealousy, hate, etc. It means that you can perform optimally in all situations. And have fun. This is what I will be working towards to my dying breath. 

 

Anyway, deep breathing with a focus on the breath is a form of meditation. The focus on the breath makes the hijacking thoughts unable to take hold. There are many ways to meditate. :)

[Still winning]

Your approach sounds great!!

 

Totally agree that a healthy approach to quit symptoms is to flip your thinking to this is the last time I will ever have to go through this! It carries you.

 

That work smarter not harder is very apt for quitting.

 

I found running two lists helped. One list saying why I wanted to not smoke...the other a list of things I could do instead of letting the jonesing take hold, it included very specific things as that fog descended on me and I often struggled to get my thoughts straight.

 

I think we sometimes forget that most smokers didn't have much of an adulthood without relying on smoking as a crutch. So situations became volatile and often emotional in the early days...but really, it's just learning a new way to be and is incredibly freeing mentally and spiritually. 

 

Doing great oneistoo!!

 

x

[Oneistoo]

I think we sometimes forget that most smokers didn't have much of an adulthood without relying on smoking as a crutch. So situations became volatile and often emotional in the early days...but really, it's just learning a new way to be and is incredibly freeing mentally and spiritually. 

 

Wise words, Marti. 

 

There! I just swatted away an irrational thought about the unfairness of it all, of addiction, of the many years of real me it has robbed me of. Thinking those kinds of thoughts will get me nowhere, or, irony of ironies, might even make me slip and start smoking again!

 

I think it's best if no deep philosophical thoughts are thought until I'm waaaay further into my non-smoking life. I think it's perhaps better to insist on just "being" until I feel stronger. 

[Still winning]

Wise words, Marti. 

 

There! I just swatted away an irrational thought about the unfairness of it all, of addiction, of the many years of real me it has robbed me of. Thinking those kinds of thoughts will get me nowhere, or, irony of ironies, might even make me slip and start smoking again!

 

I think it's best if no deep philosophical thoughts are thought until I'm waaaay further into my non-smoking life. I think it's perhaps better to insist on just "being" until I feel stronger. 

Just be, sensible self advice and I genuinely, like your style!

 

No big thinking, or life changing...protect the quit, in whatever way that looks like for these early days. Rest more, be kind to yourself, TREAT yourself... this day by day living is very healthy and "be"ing where you are is important.   

 

I see you understand more then the average joe on ways of thinking due to your education, that's a good thing. Learn about addiction to nicotine...absolutely read, watch, learn. Then take each day as it comes, each minute sometimes. We are all here to will you on.

 

x

[Oneistoo]

. We are all here to will you on.

 

That's exactly what's so powerful about an online forum. And it's why I joined QT, because I can't do this alone. My higher power in this case is all you guys on QuitTrain and the forum itself. Smoking is inherently solitary, even when you are together with other smokers. It's a constant negotiation with your body and your mind, and that can only be a solitary act. That's perhaps why it takes a crowd (or a higher power) to really get you to stay quit long-term, because it breaks the solitary act. 

 

Ok, so I bought candy tonight and ate it. It won't become something I do very often....or at all. I'm normally very nutrition focused, I've been a vegan for a year and a half (was vegetarian before that), and I know how to make my own sugar-free and healthy candy. There's absolutely no reason for crappy eating just because I've quit cigarettes for good. :)

[Oneistoo]

I stayed up until five this morning, watching old Hollywood movies on Youtube, doubtlessly fuelled by eating sugar late in the evening. I slept for about five hours, and woke up refreshed. Surprisingly, I had no cravings for cigarettes or nicotine when I woke up. Usually the first thing I head for is a cigarette and coffee. Well, cigarette, coffee, and the web, truth be told. 

 

Instead I pledged here, and made a good breakfast. Now I'm watching more OHM on YT.

 

I feel very good that I have joined QuitTrain. I was an active part of another addiction support website for ten years (We Quit Drinking, or WQD), and I know the value of ongoing support from fellow....well, "sufferers" is not the right word, so I'll just call it "friends." If you really use it, it can provide you with a virtual backbone, and a strong one, too. I can see now how stupid it was for me to attempt my endless cigarette quits alone. And, given my previous success with online support forums, it makes me wonder why I didn't go this route a long time ago. Perhaps I really wasn't ready to quit, and that was why I stayed away from online forums? Really, the thought of joining an online forum for smoke quitting didn't even occur to me, which is kind of proof that that this kind of addiction stuff works on very deep cognitive levels. 

 

I'm going to run out of nicotine replacement sublinguals pretty soon (though not today, and perhaps not tomorrow), and then I'll go for the nicotine withdrawal. At least now I'm withdrawing from the 7000-odd other ingredients. I'm looking forward to getting all of that crap out of my body and replacing it with simple, healthy and vibrant foodstuff. 

 

I'm so glad I'm here, and I thank you for all of your help in this most important part of my life. Thank you. :)

[Oneistoo]

The Serenity Prayer has helped me a lot during the years (btw, it's great when you're trapped in an evil dentist's chair and have to resign to what's going on), but I've never seen it  used for nicotine. I want to put it here so I can refer back to it.

 

The Serenity Prayer for Nicotine Users

“God, grant me serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference.”     

* Selected from text written by Reinhold Neibuhr - 1926 
 

God, grant me serenity to accept the things I cannot change...

As nicotine users, we cannot change our craving for nicotine, but even if we can't change the craving for nicotine, we can accept it. The truth is that until we can accept our craving for nicotine, we will not stop the repetitive behavior. Using some form of a nicotine delivery system is what we will do if we decide we cannot accept the craving.

 

It’s that simple.  If, for example, you are a cigarette smoker and you will not accept the craving, then you will surely light a cigarette. Or maybe you will have “one puff” or “one pinch” if you chew to get you through, but even one puff or one pinch is not accepting the things that you cannot change.

 

Accepting the craving does not mean we want the craving or like it. Accepting it means, first, recognizing the craving for what it is: a strong desire, physical and psychological, not a real need, for nicotine. That’s all. We do not fight the craving; rather we look at it, letting it be, not getting panic stricken or feeling sorry for ourselves, but saying, “Yes, I really am craving nicotine right now.”

 

We do not practice self-deception and try to trick ourselves into thinking we don’t want nicotine. This is an honest program. Nor do we try to hate the “habit” (or ourselves) so much that we quit. While we are actively using we cannot make our bodies stop craving nicotine, but we can live with a craving until it passes, and so we pray for...

 

Courage to change the things I can...
The thing that we can change is our unwillingness to live, even for a short time, with the craving for nicotine. We can, with God’s help and the support of the group, change our old way of dealing with craving, and deal with it in a new way: We become willing to live with the craving; we no longer use nicotine to get rid of the pain of craving. If we light a cigarette to relieve the craving, this shows we have not accepted what we cannot change and have not acted with the courage to change the things we can.

    

Of course, living with the craving is hard, sometimes very hard, but you are not alone. With the help of a Higher Power you can do it. That is what the Serenity Prayer is all about.

 

So we ask God to help us accept the craving, and then we ask God to give us the courage not to take care of this craving - as we have always done - by using nicotine once more. Thus, we need the serenity to accept the craving, and the courage to just let it pass...

 

And wisdom to know the difference.
The wisdom we ask for here is to become aware of the difference between our old way of handling the discomfort of craving in the past (for example, by compulsively lighting up) and the new way of dealing with cravings: accepting the craving until it passes, uncomfortable though we may be for a few moments, understanding that a craving will pass whether we use nicotine or not.

 

The strength and courage to live as former nicotine users with this initial discomfort does come if we ask for it, even though it may take time. What we receive is not raw will power, but a Power that comes from our Higher Power, from the group, and from our innermost self. The power we actually want is love! It is only with this kind of power that we can become ex-nicotine users and receive a new life free from nicotine addiction.

 

The reason we did not become ex-nicotine users years ago is that we chose not to live with the craving. Every time we craved, we gave in and used nicotine. We kept hoping that in some magic way a day would arrive when the craving would disappear or we would find an absolutely painless way to stop being addicted. That day never came. Each of us kept repeating our favorite rationalizations or excuses for using tobacco, our own justifications for not living with the craving. And we kept craving and using, craving and using, year after year.

 

But now we can change all that. The moment we can accept what is -“I want nicotine” - and face it with the courage God gives us, we can say, “I choose not to handle this craving by using nicotine,” then we become ex-nicotine users!

 

If you continue to use nicotine even though you say this prayer, then say it again, and again, and keep saying it while you reflect what it means to you, a nicotine addict. Eventually it will work. It will not work if you are not sincere, but if all you can do at first is to say the prayer without believing it, then at least do that! Some time may be needed for you to receive the power to live with the discomfort that comes from craving, but eventually it will come. In time, the craving will diminish greatly, and someday, we trust, it will disappear altogether. However, if you have a slip, and for example, you are a smoker and light one up, accept yourself reverently and say the prayer again the next time!

 

Remember, it is not really the stress, frustration or even the craving that causes us to keep using nicotine again, but rather our lack of serenity and courage to deal with the craving. Help comes from your Higher Power, from the group, and from your own healthy inner self! May God be with you now!

 

Taken from Nicotine Anonymous World Service Publications http://www.nicotine-anonymous.org 

[sharonsiff]

I'm glad you're hear too and will look forward to your updates, your journey.