My weakest link

[...]

I have a neighbor and her and I have son's close in age and so we have become quite close.  Well, I just got some goats from the County Fair that were going to be auctioned for slaughter.  And they are staying in her pasture right now until this weekend.  Which requires me being over there every night for the next few nights. 

 

So tonight, I head over there.  And I'm feeling a little worried cause we sit on her porch alot and smoke and talk and just chill out.  And as I walk in, she hands me a cigarette for us to do our normal routine.

 

Now this is the place where I have relapsed SOOOOO many times.  I took the cigarette, walked outside and put it in the ashtray.  I never lit it and I didn't smoke it.  And it sat there. She smoked and I didn't. So she finally says to me "am I the bad guy now?"   And she basically just tried to talk me into smoking just that one.  I didn't really know what to say.  It messed with my mind.  I could almost taste her cigarette.  I had to come home and brush my teeth just to get it out of my mouth.  I know that's mental but it was so real.

 

So we walk out into the pasture, as I have to feed and water the goat and I asked her very gently if she could not give me anymore cigarettes.  I told her that I really wanted to quit this time. And what she said back to me was "if you ever want one, you know all you have to do is come over."   I just thanked her.  I was a little disappointed that she said that but then again, I have relapsed so many times, I can kinda understand why.  

 

Part of me is so proud of myself that I set it up for her to respect my quit.  But then part of me is a little weirded out. Somehow it seems like a finality.  I don't know if that makes sense or not.  Although I am glad I am quit again, I do have a little sadness about it.  I associate smoking with so many things, so many emotions.  It's amazing how much power I have given to a cigarette. 

 

Day 3 starting tomorrow.

[babs609]

TIffany..she didn't offer you the cigarette  because you relapsed so many times.....nor did she remind you "you know where to find me if you want one" for the same reason

 

She did it because she is an addict....and addicts love company..plain and simple.  Your quit is a threat to her because it reminds her of her addiction.  Pisses people off when you show them up..haha

 

One day at a time!!  Congrats on 2 days!  that's a big deal....forget the other quits...forget them!!  (except for the lesson learned from them)

 

Make this your sticky girl..and you will never do day 2 again!

 

On to day 3!!!

 

:)

[Colleen]

Tiffany,

Great job on taking control and setting boundaries!  Congrats on 2 days!

[Trish]

"Part of me is so proud of myself that I set it up for her to respect my quit.  But then part of me is a little weirded out. Somehow it seems like a finality.  I don't know if that makes sense or not. "

 

First, you should be proud.  You passed a huge test today and that is awesome.  Second, be glad of the "finality" part of it.  It IS final.  This is your sticky quit...you are a non-smoker.  You should be rejoicing not getting weirded out!

 

" Although I am glad I am quit again, I do have a little sadness about it.  I associate smoking with so many things, so many emotions.  It's amazing how much power I have given to a cigarette. "

 

Again, don't be sad.  Quitting smoking is the best decision you will ever make.  It is going to take some tie to stop associating smoking with everything you do in life.  But it will get easier.  I promise you that.  Each time you do an activity/experience an emotion that would normally cause you to smoke, you will become that much stronger.  

 

MQ shared the following with me.  I think you will find it helpful.   Tomorrow is day 3...that is awesome!

 

There is a rule of 3's.  Here is a good video and you can apply it to any part of your life to grow.  Please, please watch it.  This is where I got the "get comfortable being uncomfortable" note.  Couldn't be more true when it comes to quitting smoking.

 

[MarylandQuitter]

Does your friend happen to work for Philip Morris?  You are far too nice, Tiffany.

 

This is why it's so important to find a support community that you feel comfortable with.  Smokers, especially those that project their own guilt for smoking onto others are not the people that will help us keep our quits.

 

You want to quit, Tiffany.  You didn't smoke tonight.  You were tempted, had a cigarette in your hand (that was given to you by a friend) and you put it down and didn't light it.  The taste of her vile smoke wafting through the air put a bad taste in your mouth and made you feel unclean.  Victory!! :)

 

Time to make it stick this time.  No more relapsing.  You are not a smoker so no more torturing yourself with relapse and the constant withdrawal and feed phase.  Kill it.  

 

"Get comfortable being uncomfortable" right now.  You're going to think about smoking, it's normal.  Hell, everything we did revolved around those damned cigarettes.  That is done.  I still think about smoking but there is a difference in thinking about smoking and wanting to smoke.  You must remove the desire to smoke by knowing that you get none of the perceived benefits by inhaling that noxious weed. 

 

I believe in you.  I know that you have it in you to quit for good.  No matter how strong the urge, how crappy your day was or how excited you are and want a reward, a cigarette cannot fix or enhance any of that.  Please, don't ever take a cigarette in your hands again and I don't care who offers it to you. 

 

Tomorrow is day 3 of your quit and 365 days from now you'll be one year and 3 days smober.  Don't you dare, ever give an inch to this addiction ever again.  :)

 

This is the video that Trish was talking about.

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AEnHzV9XpL0

[Trish]

oops...it didn't post...here is the video MQ shared.

 

 

edit...crap...well everyone can watch it twice...it's a good video.   :)

[BAT]

Huge test you passed Tiff. Be proud. I was when I went to a bar my first time and didn't smoke one. It's a huge deal.

 

Now you know you can make it passed a moment of weakness. Just say NOPE.

[El Bandito]

Tiffany..

 

Wow. Fantastic work from you! A big test passed, and passed with a touch of class too.

 

Really impressed. Keep on going!

[...]

 You should be rejoicing not getting weirded out!

 

Again, don't be sad.  Quitting smoking is the best decision you will ever make.  It is going to take some tie to stop associating smoking with everything you do in life.  But it will get easier.  I promise you that.  Each time you do an activity/experience an emotion that would normally cause you to smoke, you will become that much stronger.  

 

Time to make it stick this time.  No more relapsing.  You are not a smoker so no more torturing yourself with relapse and the constant withdrawal and feed phase.  Kill it.  

 

I am working on my mindset.  I am not going to lie or pretend......yes, I still believe somewhere that smoking offers me something.  I feel somewhat sad and confused without it.  So everytime I think a thought about it like that, I am trying to redirect my thoughts into how harmful they really are.  It's taking time for my heart to catch up, if that makes any sense.  I have never allowed myself to finish this process out.  I keep smoking instead. 

 

I am going to start reading Allen Carr's book again tomorrow.  And I am going to devote time every day to read it  Over and over and over again until it sinks in. 

 

It really is like leaving a relationship that you know isn't going to work but you still care about the person.  It makes one sad but you know it has to be done. 

 

Please don't misunderstand me.  I am not mourning at all.  I am determined.  But it's still a process (for me) that I have to work through.

[...]

Tiffany..

 

Wow. Fantastic work from you! A big test passed, and passed with a touch of class too.

 

Really impressed. Keep on going!

 

Thank you El Bandito.......

[El Bandito]

Tiffany, I do not think that your friend is trying to undermine you on purpose.

 

As Babs said - she is scared, I think. My guess is that like you - she fears that your precious time together, your gentle timeouts together are under threat. They are not. Those times and her friendship are important to you. It might be worth telling her that.

 

Secondly - she possibly thinks "Here we go, miserable Tiffany for a while, then she will smoke. Why doesn't she accept that she likes smoking and stop putting herself through it?" She maybe believes that giving you a cigarette will save you the misery.

 

I would suggest that this second one feels genuine, but it actually driven by a deep fear....

 

"What if you quit? What if you quit and smiled while doing it? What if you quit and still sat on the porch chewing the fat, not smoking, but still smiling?"

 

Panic sets in - "My God - that means that smoking is giving Tiffany nothing! Does that mean it is giving me nothing? Oh my God!"

 

Tiffany - I might be wrong. I might be making this up. I am, after all, a fat guy in a skirt.

 

But:

 

I might be right.

 

Smoking gives you nothing. You are giving nothing up. Read the book slowly - and think about it. There is absolutely nothing that you do now smoking, that you can't do as a non smoker. You will just enjoy them more as a non smoker.

 

And (whisper it) your friend will follow you to freedom...

 

Go for it Tiffany - you won a massive victory. The physical addiction is almost dead now - as you have worked out - you need to deal with the head thing!

[action]

I think Babs said mad it really well Tiffany.

 

Your friend is afraid of loosing you as a smoking buddy - she likes to sit on that porch and smoke with you. She doesn't want it to change. And she doesn't want to be the only one of you left smoking.

 

I am very impressed with how you handled it and I'm very proud of you. It's had to resist temptation when it is that close to you. Congratulations!!!!!

[sharonsiff]

Like MQ said...I believe in you, too.

 

You remind me of a strong willed smoker Tiffany (pg 162 Onlyway book) you are so strong willed in the sense you are still holding onto smoking, as a pleasure, a cuddle after a hard days graft, even though your education tells you smoking is none of these things, the opposite. He goes onto to say ....I know many other smokers that cannot understand why they are so strong-willed in other areas, and see less strong willed people stop using any hassle, yet themselves find it impossible to do so.

 

You only require willpower to stop if part of your brain is tempted to smoke a cigarette. The schizophrenia is causing parts of your brain to pull against each other, once we remove the need or desire to smoke, the whole brain, be it concious or subconscious will be pulling in the same direction and you will have no need to exercise willpower, whether you be the weakest (who he says find it easier to stop) or strongest willed smoker.

 

My method Will work for you...he says.

 

So, as you say re read the book, question it, trust it Tiffany.

 

You remind me of myself when I smoked, a strong willed smoking who mentally fought tooth and nail to the concept of smoking being pleasurable for me, my emotional crutch.

 

I believe in you Tiffany, cause I'm as stubborn as a mule mentally and even I, finally, got my moment of revelation that I can happliy never smoke again albiet it took months, before the flash came, but it came and it can for you as I'm no special snowflake...a buffoon maybe ;) , but no snowflake.

 

Hope you have a great day.

[Doreensfree]

Hello sweetie....

Well you did really good ,to have a cig in your hand and not light it....is a huge achievement.....

I think the folks here are so right,your friend is scared of losing her smoke buddy,.

You can do this tiff.....try to avoid situations that remind you of smoking.....in the early days.....

Stay close to the board.....

[robf]

Asking if she is the bad guy is a bit of a mental kick in the teeth, but the fact of the matter is that you go through it without smoking, and that's excellent. Especially on Day 2, that's a fragile time.

 

Day 3 will be better... Day 4 better still... Day 5 etc etc.

 

There's no good reasons to smoke and plenty of good reasons not to, concentrate on the good reasons not to smoke.

[Pippa]

Tiffany- so proud of you for setting some rules - I remember a JWG post about misery loving company - and I think your friend is just afraid of losing her company. Getting through the whole situation will have made you stronger and remember we are here if you need it !

[Still winning]

Ah bless you, what she did is try and transport you back into her gang, I mean if you quit...what does that make her??  That is always upsetting in a way, so I get why you're weirded out but see it for what it is...she is an addict who right now can't imagine the life you can!! I am elated for you, baby steps is ok, just keep shuffling forwards and days turn into weeks, just by putting one foot in front of the other and not smoking. Onto day 3!  Well done :)

[Leanna]

TIffany..she didn't offer you the cigarette  because you relapsed so many times.....nor did she remind you "you know where to find me if you want one" for the same reason

 

She did it because she is an addict....and addicts love company..plain and simple.  Your quit is a threat to her because it reminds her of her addiction.  Pisses people off when you show them up..haha

 

One day at a time!!  Congrats on 2 days!  that's a big deal....forget the other quits...forget them!!  (except for the lesson learned from them)

 

Make this your sticky girl..and you will never do day 2 again!

 

On to day 3!!!

 

:)

Exactly what Babs said.

 

Misery is company, right? 

 

You did so well Tiff and you should be very proud of yourself. It's hard hanging around others who offer you cigarettes because they "care" about you and think you're going to relapse again. When I first started my quit, my smoking friends would actually say stuff like, "Leanna.. quit? Yeah right! You'll be back to smoking in no time." No faith. Addiction talking. It's sad.

 

Congrats though! Test passed. You go girl!

[Trish]

As EB says,  "You are giving nothing up. Read the book slowly - and think about it."  And as MQ has said, ..."take your Allen Carr book and go to a quiet spot where you can focus one chapter of that book.  Read each paragraph and think about what it means. Think about how you can apply it to your quit." or "Focus on one or two paragraphs and fully grasp what the message is."  I think this was one of my problems when I first read the book.  It helped me and I I thought it was really good and made a lot of sense...but now I am reading it very slowly, thinking about how this lesson applies to my situation.  

 

 

 

 

It really is like leaving a relationship that you know isn't going to work but you still care about the person.  It makes one sad but you know it has to be done. 

 

 

The only problem is that this "person you still care about" is secretly plotting to kill you.  If you knew that would you be sad to leave the relationship?

 

BTW love your new pic...so beautiful!!

[jimmy]

dear tiffany  you should be proud of your self  you handeled  your self very well  you can do this  grab us  all and dont let go  you helped me  let us help you  you have a lot of friends here that love you and want you to be the best nosmoketiffany ever  (((((((((tiffany))))))) love the  picture  do this for you and your son  you know were im at if you need me  i wont be here thursday i got a fieldtrip to do   belive in yourself   you got this  so kick nicodemon  to the curb    :D  :wub:  ;) http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_detailpage&v=b8VoUYtx0kw

[JackiMac]

Hi tiffany firstly a HUGE well done for overcoming the pull of the cigarette and saying NO you did it once you can do it again, you are doing great and well done for saving the wee goats too, take small steps at a pace that suits you, commit to NOPE and take each day at a time, you can do this and we are here to help and support you all the way x

[Lynn]

Hi Tiffany,  I am also proud of you, for not smoking that cigarette and also starting that quit again.  You are a determined woman. You are going to get there. I remember the first time that I sat on my deck with my husband after I quit and he was smoking and I wasn't.  I was staring at his cigarette realizing that I did not want one.  I could not tell you what the conversation was about, just that I was proud of myself for not wanting one.  You will still have your time with your friend on her porch, talking.  The only difference is, you will be a non-smoker and proud of yourself for getting there. Keep up the good work!

[IamDoingIt]

Tiffany, it's already been said many times, but I'm going to reiterate.... Your friend is FRIGHTENED!!!!!! You are part of her smoking world that is disappearing. She is still an active addict who has never faced quitting.

 

I hope your example will lead her down the path of quitting.

 

Stay STRONG.....Stay QUIT!