Too late for an SOS....

[Jclarke241]

....but I feel so guilty. I bought cigarettes today and have smoked a bunch of them. I don't want to quit but I do. I feel so guilty sitting here waiting for my mom to get home because I have to tell her. I feel like I've let the world down. 

 

I feel like most of me wants to quit but there's a part of me that just can't handle with all this free time. I've gotten a lot of advice like finding something to do but it's not working. I've tried finding things to do but there's nothing to keep me busy 24/7. It doesn't help I have an underlying depression problem which makes me as unmotivated to do anything as one can get. I've tried and tried but today I failed.

 

I guess there's a part of me that doesn't want to keep smoking or I wouldn't be here typing this out. Someone please talk me into throwing my packs away (yes, I bought several because I was convinced I couldn't quit and just gave up.)

 

I feel like I'm posting asking for a lot of help. I hope I'm not too needy. I swear in the Spring things will be better.

[action]

Jen, this is so sad :(

 

I see a lot of excuses on how you don't think you can quit, but you were already quit!

 

You don't have to be busy to stay smoke free - smoking is not a favourite passtime, or a hobby - the truth is that you will be just as bored with or without a cigarette in your hand...

 

I hope that you have the strength to throw all of those stinky cigarettes down the toilet and start again - it's OK to ask for lots of help; it's what we are here for!

 

Please don't wait until spring thinking it will be better... Please quit today and be finished with smoking once and for all!

[Jclarke241]

I'm trying. I feel terrible and hate myself for slipping. I know that smoking doesn't fill the boredom it's that I have so much time on my hands that smoking is all I can think about. My first week was a breeze but these last two weeks have been hell. I thought it was the other way around. I'm obsessed with it! I have too much time on my hands. I'm trying. 

[Colleen]

Jen,

If you didn't want to quit, then you wouldn't be here.  That said, you really need to let go of the idea that smoking does anything for you.  It is not your friend, it will not cure depression or make you feel better about yourself.  It has been known to cause anxiety, cancer and breathing problems.  It makes you stink.  Puts holes in your clothes, makes your teeth and fingers turn yellow.  What is so good about any of that?

 

When we quit, instead of hiding behind the smoke we are forced to face our problems.  Find a different way of coping with whatever is bothering you.  Exercise can be very helpful here, gives us energy and the endorphin's provide a feel good attitude.  Try different activities, find one you like.  Just do something, anything but smoke.

[Jclarke241]

That's the thing. I've been doing that...I even took up running and knitting. But you're right, I do want to quit or I wouldn't have posted to the board. 

[Colleen]

So, now come up with a game plan to prevent this from happening again.  Identify your triggers before they happen and decide on what you need to do stay smoke free.  It is within you to do this Jen, you just have to motivate yourself.  We can help, point you in the right direction,offer support...but in the end it is you that has to do the work.  What motivated me early in my quit was not having to go through the hell of quitting over and over.  Then it became, I wouldn't be able to keep up with exercise if I smoked.  Before long it was that my breathing had improved so much, I wouldn't do anything to throw that away.  Find your reasons.  You can do this.

[Jenny]

I know it seems like an impossible task but it really is doable.  We all obsessed about smoking for a long time in our quits.  It's normal to do that when you quit something that was so intertwined in your daily life.  As addicts our lives revolve around our next fix so it's no wonder we go into a tail spin when we quit.   I remember thinking about it so much I thought something must be wrong with me.  I cried at work and I cried at home ALL THE TIME.  When I wasn't working I was wallowing in my sorrow.  I even lost weight initially I was so upset.  

I guess what I am saying is that what you're feeling is so very normal and I concur that it sucks big time.  If you wait it out and try very hard to keep your eye on the goal rather than the crap you are feeling you will get to a place where you are able to make peace with this change in your life.  You will even wonder why you thought it was so hard.  I promise you will.  

 

Get back on your quit ASAP.  You know smoking is not what you need.  It never has been.   We will take this walk with you every step of the way but you gotta want to quit more than you want to smoke in order to be successful.  I think you do, even if you don't know it yet.  xx

[Jclarke241]

But how long am I going to be so obsessed? I posted here and people said that it'll pass but it's not passing. If I knew for sure it'd pass, I could probably do this easier but as it is now, it just never ends. 

[Jenny]

I'll be honest and say it took months for me.  Maybe 3 or 4?.  It was very gradual.   All quits are a little different so could be sooner for you.  Believe me, if it didn't pass none of us would have made it.  No one would be able to suffer like that indefinitely.  I also went on a anti anxiety/depression med for a while to help take the edge off.   Are you being treated for your depression?

[Jclarke241]

I am being treated, I have my meds worked out. I hesitate to go to my doctor asking for an adjustment because I have a feeling the depression isn't at a clinical level, it's just because of life circumstances. More than my quit, I don't want to ruin my "stability". When I get clinically depressed it takes months of med adjustments and me being miserable so I'm pretty good about taking my meds and stuff. 

[Jenny]

I am being treated, I have my meds worked out. I hesitate to go to my doctor asking for an adjustment because I have a feeling the depression isn't at a clinical level, it's just because of life circumstances. More than my quit, I don't want to ruin my "stability". When I get clinically depressed it takes months of med adjustments and me being miserable so I'm pretty good about taking my meds and stuff. 

That's good.   :)  Time is your friend. Smoking won't change your current life circumstances.  Try to remember that when the craves hit.  

[Jenny]

Here's a video on Joel's site I found that may help you too.  At least I hope it will.

 

[Jclarke241]

I don't know what happened today. I woke up feeling icky (mentally) and I should never have left the house but I told myself I'd be strong enough. I need to listen to my inner voice. It took about an hour of running errands for me to decide to smoke and it was at that point I just gave up. I was tired of fighting it and stopped to buy cigarettes. I didn't even try to tell myself I just wanted one puff, I knew I was giving up completely and bought four packs (for four days). When I got home, I went out and smoked and it felt wonderful and terrible at the same time but with each cigarette (I smoked six) I felt worse and worse about myself. I felt like I was letting the world down. I kept telling myself I'd quit in the spring when I have a car and can get out of the house and have a life again but the guilt kept nagging at me. I decided to break and then throw all those cigarettes away. When my mom got home I told her what had happened and she wasn't very supportive...she's inherently unsupportive of all things emotional. I'll just have to get through this without her support. 

 

Now I'm sitting in front of my computer with the first nagging of wanting a cigarette starting but I'm committing myself to quitting again beginning a couple hours ago. I hate that I've let people down but hopefully you all will forgive my weakness and continue to stand by me. 

[Jclarke241]

Here's a video on Joel's site I found that may help you too.  At least I hope it will.

 

Thanks, I just watched it again (I've watched it before) and hopefully it'll stick this time.

[Jenny]

You're not letting us down.  We'll be here for you no matter what.  There is nothing you could do that would change that.  Today wasn't a good day, but that doesn't mean tomorrow can't be great.  I'm headed to bed but I wanted to tell you that I'm proud of you for coming here and telling us what happened.  You are stronger than you realize.  You can do this.  xx

[Pippa]

Hey Jen- so sorry to read that you smoked but proud you have come back to the train. You can do this but you have to remember that smoking will not fix anything and certainly doesn't solve boredom. Can I suggest that you write down your reasons for quitting - and how you feel now - so you can refer to them if you feel like smoking later. Also remember - stay close to the board - and ask for help in the future .... You know you will find great support here if you ask for it !

[El Bandito]

Hey JC.

 

That was an excellent practice quit. Some hurdles were jumped, some triggers faced and some craves defeated. All in all excellent work.

 

Then you smoked. That's kind of not good in the quitting smoking game.

 

Still, the trick is to learn from the experience, memorise the feeling of disappointment and most importantly to assess all of the ways that you now feel better for smoking. All of those wonderful feelings of being conflicted, disappointed, a failure....all of those are provided (at a cost) by cigarettes. Bottle those feelings. You will need to remember them. They will help in your quit.

 

I am not qualified to comment on depression, but I'm pretty certain that it is not linked with smoking.

 

The quit is the quit. Every day you and me make a decision. Today, I will smoke, or Today I will not smoke.

 

"I will never smoke again" and other grand statements are fantastic for some people, but too big for me. TODAY I choose not to smoke.

 

So, soak the smokes and bin them.

Smile

Choose not to smoke today.

 

We are all right here for you Jen.

 

I believe in you.

[action]

You haven't let is down Jen, so it's time to stop beating yourself up, dust yourself off and start again :)

 

You can do this - we are all proof of that! It is true that the cravings do go away, but it does take a while. They seem to diminish over time, but occasionally pop back up from time to time - these are the times that you must be strong, and resist the temptation!

 

I see that you are quit again, which is great, so just try to stay positive about it, and if your mum won't listen, we sure will :)

[Wendy]

.

[Doreensfree]

Aww sorry you smoked sweetheart....but....proud you are quiting again and staying with us....

Jen....I had smoked 52 years....imagine that....and just stopping suddenly one day....

I don't know know how to anything as a adult with a cig....I mean everything....

So one day...I had a huge choice keep smoking or.....lose a foot or two....so decided to quit....

My body went berserk.....I went berserk.....I couldn't function half the time....

But I knew I had to grit my teeth and just surge forward....no matter what I felt....

The good folks before me...told me to be patient....take it one day at a time ..the magic will happen.....

Ok it took me a few months...it wasn't easy peasy.....but.....the magic happened....

It will for you sweetheart....just like it did for me...

Xxxxx

[sherry]

Jen,  I'm sorry you feel so bad about about smoking, but you're back quit again and thats what really matters, you didn't say " oh well may as well keep smoking- to heck with it!".... you didn't do that, you got right back on, be PROUD of that!!!  we're proud of you for it..

 

I know it feels like it will never end, you just want the day(s) to be over, time just seems to be going so slow.. but it does get better, honest it does hun,.. I've said this before, right now time itself can be both your friend and your enemy ... your enemy because it seems it's moving to - to slow, thats because we spent so much time smoking, when you quit- you have to fill that time with something different so we say over and over "keep busy"... when the crave comes or the romance starts, get busy doing something, anything, even if it's just posting an sos and say " I could use some company til this pass's".... time is your friend because (even if it doesn't seem like it now) as it goes by you learn how to do other things besides smoke.. you have battles that you win and your confidence grows... I know it's hard to believe us when we say - if it didn't get better  we wouldn't still be quit...but I swear it's true 

 

not everyone can just stop and be done with it, if we could, this board wouldn't exist, we wouldn't need support and encouragement..and to know we aren't alone - aren't the only one who has these feelings/struggles...this board exist because nicotine addiction for most people is hard to beat, but it CAN be beat..

 

you asked when will it be easier,.. theres no answer to that Jen, every quit is a little different, for some they struggle along and then have an "ah-ha" moment, for others like me, they just have to plug along- put one foot infront of the other, let the days pass, and it sneaks up on you- one day something happens and you realize you're not constantly fighting, don't have that constant nag nag nag..  you just have to stay with it..and believe 

 

we're here for you Jen,  and so proud you got right back to a lovely new 'sticky' quit  :)

[Evelyn]

....but I feel so guilty. I bought cigarettes today and have smoked a bunch of them. I don't want to quit but I do. I feel so guilty sitting here waiting for my mom to get home because I have to tell her. I feel like I've let the world down. 

 

I feel like most of me wants to quit but there's a part of me that just can't handle with all this free time. I've gotten a lot of advice like finding something to do but it's not working. I've tried finding things to do but there's nothing to keep me busy 24/7. It doesn't help I have an underlying depression problem which makes me as unmotivated to do anything as one can get. I've tried and tried but today I failed.

 

I guess there's a part of me that doesn't want to keep smoking or I wouldn't be here typing this out. Someone please talk me into throwing my packs away (yes, I bought several because I was convinced I couldn't quit and just gave up.)

 

I feel like I'm posting asking for a lot of help. I hope I'm not too needy. I swear in the Spring things will be better.

 

 

I fooled myself soooo often with pills, nicotine gums, sprays or patches and in the end I needed to make a choice. Of course sometimes I think What the hell but then I realise for the first time I pulled through cold turkey (with a huge support of our Lord) and I do not NEED nicotine; the fear that has always kept my hostage. No more excuses, no more nicotine replacements shit and go for it; that is what I did and I did drink A LOT of senseo size tea or decaf with LOTS of sugar but I pulled through and now I don't need the sugar any more just half a tea spoon in SOME of my drinks. 

 

GO for it and kick some ass!

[Devil Doll]

Jen, I can't add anything that hasn't been said other than it is doable. I felt the same way at times so you are not alone that is why we are here so don't worry about how much help you ask for or how many SOS's are posted. That is why this place exists. 

Have you started your quit again? The process of getting to a point where you are feeling genuinely okay can take months. It did with me and quite a few people. Yes, it sucks at times but it is nowhere near what the first month was. If it didn't get truly get better than I don't think that people would get to their year and so on you just need to hold on. ;) 

Here are some good threads to read. Some of them helped me. 

 

http://www.quittrain.com/topic/3317-group-discussion-wk45-hey-you-smoked-for-42-years-why-on-earth-would-you-think-you-can-get-past-the-addiction-in-a-couple-of-months-cut-yourself-a/

 

Read through this one and seriously consider posting a response to yourself:

http://www.quittrain.com/topic/259-pre-respond-to-your-own-sos/

[sharonsiff]

That's the thing. I've been doing that...I even took up running and knitting. But you're right, I do want to quit or I wouldn't have posted to the board.

 

Hiya :)

 

I wonder if it's you do want to quit but don't really believe you can? I only say that as I was like that for 30 years in the trap myself. I don't know if you have failed quits under your belt or not, but if you have, you must not let be your baseline of making your next quit the one that sticks.

 

It does get much, much better with time...I swear to you it does. Just think...if you do it and stick with it, no matter what, you will only ever have to do this quitting lark one last time ;)

 

I urge you to crack on, grit your teeth if you need to, and just do it and you will never have to ever do it again...it will be done. It will be Spring before you know it so imagine hitting Spring with it all done and behind you xx

[Jclarke241]

Thank you everyone for your support. It was a rough day yesterday and I have a feeling the next few days will be rough as well. It's when I'm out driving around and don't have access to distractions and QT that I'm most vulnerable but I'm not running any errands for the next few days so it will be emotional and uncomfortable but I should be okay.