The Grief Cycle

[Jenny]

 Quitting is a learning process rather than a single act. The majority of our participants agree that the process can be difficult, especially during the first few weeks. You have to get through a physical and mental recovery when you decide to quit smoking. The physical recovery is the most difficult during the first two to four weeks due to experiencing the “symptoms of recovery.”
The mental recovery, however, may take several months or longer as you learn to reorganize your lifestyle without smoking. This may be even more difficult to handle than the physical recovery; however, this program is designed to help you with the physical and mental recovery process so you’re in the right place!
The psychological recovery process is very similar to the grief cycle, how someone feels when a loved one dies. Dr. Elizabeth Kubler-Ross did research on death and dying. She found that anytime we experience a major change in life, we grieve for the old in order to make room for the new. She also found that there are usually five stages to a person’s grieving process. Think about how these stages of grieving relates to quitting for you:

 

Denial & Isolation

 

Denial and isolation are the mind’s first way of protecting us from a sudden change or loss. People who lose a friend or family member say they feel numb. This is called a psychological defense mechanism. What this means is that although you know the importance of quitting, you may not want to believe it. The denial phase probably happened before you even found this program.
Have you ever said any of these statements?
I know I should quit, but I’m not sure I want to.
Cigarettes don’t affect my health like they do others. I’m not huffing and puffing.
I can quit anytime I want to.
I’m not addicted.
I’ll switch to a low-tar cigarette.
Cigarettes haven’t been proven harmful.
My parents both smoked and they’re fine.
These are denial statements. What are some other denial statements that perhaps you have used in the past?

 

Anger

 

When we begin to accept a loss, we often feel anger. If you perceived comfort from smoking you are likely to feel angry about the change. You may be angry about the loss of your “friend.” You might be angry about many things, or everything.
Some typical feelings or statements made during this phase include:
Why me? I’m mad I started, I’m mad I quit. I’m mad cigarettes are harmful. I’m mad it’s so hard. I’m mad that things aren’t going my way.
You might be angry with me, your Facilitator, and other participants on the Message Boards. You might find yourself reacting angrily to things that normally wouldn’t bother you.
Your anger may be directed toward family members, friends, nonsmokers or coworkers. In fact, a lot of people avoid quitting because they feel so irritable during the recovery process.
Remember that anger is part of the process. Don’t try to resist it. Accept it, safely vent it, and take some time to feel it. You may feel angry and testy. You don’t have to have a reason to feel that way, you just do. It will subside. Sometimes naming the feeling lowers the intensity of your anger.

 

Bargaining

 

This is the stage where participants feel tempted to postpone the inevitable. You might try to switch brands, smoke only at home or only at work. You might also try to make deals and empty promises. This is a risky phase because a lot of people slip or relapse at this point, so be careful!
Some typical comments made during the bargaining phase are:
I think I have the worst licked. If I just have one cigarette, I’ll get right back on track afterward and I won’t do it again.
I’ll just smoke on vacation.
I’ll just light your cigarette.
I’ll quit as long as my weight stays down.
I’ll try, but I’m not making any promises.
Do these statements sound familiar? Everyone is tempted to bargain. Realizing that it is a natural part of the process of quitting sometimes helps to move past it. Laugh it off and have a heart-to-heart talk with your inner self. Make a strong commitment to be in control of the cigarette. If you give in to bargaining, the cigarette is once again in control. Say out loud, “Nothing or no one controls me.” Put that statement on a sticky note and put it in a place where you’ll be reminded to think about it and repeat it often.

 

Depression

 

When participants acknowledge and accept the loss of their “friend,” the cigarette, it’s natural to experience some sadness. This is especially true when no one else seems to know or understand this loss. People often experience this in one of two ways. They either feel a deep sense of sadness or a deep sense of deprivation.
Some typical comments during the depression stage are:
I feel so emotional. I cry all the time.
I feel so deprived.
Why can’t I have this one little pleasure?
Life without cigarettes is awful.
I feel lonely.
This is the “ain’t it awful” stage. You may feel like you’ve lost your best friend. Don’t resist this stage or think it’s crazy to mourn the loss of a cigarette. Be as direct with this stage as we suggest with the anger stage. Accept it. Talk about it. Take some time to just feel sad. Then move on and focus on the benefits of what you’re doing.

 

Acceptance

 

A healthy person who has suffered a loss eventually accepts its reality and goes on living life. In this stage, you begin to realize that your former smoking lifestyle is over. You are finally resolving your sense of loss or grief. You can get on with living your new found, healthier lifestyle. A new and better life begins.
Some typical comments during the acceptance phase are:
I think I’m going to actually be successful. I still don’t like it a lot but I think it will stick.
I’d still like to smoke but I choose not to.
I am going to teach myself to like my new nonsmoking lifestyle. I’ll do it gradually and positively.
I am living a smokefree life.
I am an ex-smoker!
The key to moving through the psychological recovery is your attitude toward quitting. Continue to look at these symptoms as part of the process. Move through them with a sense of challenge, expectation and excitement over what lies ahead for you. You will make discoveries about yourself. Reject the feeling that you have given something up. It’s quite the opposite. You gained something: your freedom and self-mastery. This is not an exercise in self-denial, but self-determination. You are giving a precious gift to yourself and to those around you.

 

~The American Lung Association

[Devil Doll]

Very true, great post Jen.

[Jclarke241]

Another timely post. Thank you for the help...

[Doreensfree]

Bump

[Sirius]

Acceptance; yeah.

 

Yeah I miss smoking, but the accompanying baggage isn't worth that golden moment.

 

I'm an ex-smoker.  

 

I may stand diminished but I'm still standing.

 

...and I stand without the smokes.   :sun_bespectacled:

[jillar]

Bump

[Sazerac]

Understanding The Emotional Loss Experienced When Quitting Smoking

[jillar]

This was my quit totally!

[JH63]

@jillar Thanks for bumping this up. I have read something like it before, but it didn't apply to smoking. It was probably about grieving the death of a loved one.

I have completed most of these five steps, but not all of them and not necessarily in that order. I'm still struggling with the acceptance phase in the process. There are two things in that phase that really stick out when it comes to my quitting smoking. They are;  Reject the feeling that you have given something up and I am an ex-smoker. I just don't think that either one of those statements apply to me yet. Maybe someday they will.

Edited March 12, 2021 by JH63

[Linda]

Good post.I am having a hard time with the depression and sadness. I can cry at the drop of a hat. For no real reason. I seem depressed about life in general.Have some health issues going on and everything seems overwhelming

[jillar]

@JH63 and @Linda, you two are still so early in your quits. Give yourselves time and with that time things should get better

[jillar]

Bump