Confused.com Opinions valued, bit weirded out but ok

[Still winning]

Longest title ever but just blogged and thought, nah, need some advice here. Any welcome. x

 

I am 8 months and some change quit. I have a vigilant, supported, hard fought for quit and I genuinely love being a non smoker. I'm not just saying it. I have no desire to be a smoker ever again, I will not be chained, I will not be sick by choice apart from anything I've already done. 

I was on holiday, holiday triggers, yep! Got it, fought it!! Screw that, no way. I understand, it's a situation I haven't faced before. I've seen it at parties, in gatherings. When we meet with friends. All done and dusted, I can go out with smokers now and socialise, I don't think about smoking doing that.

Then there's this last couple of weeks and it's just plain odd. It's almost like going back to the rinse and repeat month, except it's different too. Then it was wanna smoke, don't smoke, ok. Wanna smoke, don't smoke, OK. Now it's what the actual F, why am I looking longingly at that person who gets to smoke...oh hold on a minute...doesn't get to smoke, HAS to smoke, I don't want to smoke (really? you really don't?), duh.

That is where I am and I don't understand this one? I feel like someone has delivered me to the wrong party!! Shopping today I looked at people smoking twice and thought man, I can't smoke like they can and felt sad. So to me there's no relapse being planned subconciously or anything I just don't understand why I would feel that when I don't want to smoke?

So I brought myself a nice new rug. In case I'm tempted, I spunked my money on something beautiful, but I don't think I am. I'm a bit confused. Vigilant and aware, but confused. 

[Mastergardener]

Marti, got no advice as I am far behind you. But, Counting on you to lead the way, hear the guilt trip being laid for you....

Seriously, do you think it is the time of year? I have had a horrible time the past week and think it might be the holiday season. You know, put the turkey in the oven, go have a smoke. Put the pie in the oven, go have a smoke. Almost dinner time, do I have time to slip out for a smoke. So very many triggers, all new ones.

Wishing you lots of strength,

K

[Doreensfree]

Hi marti sweetheart...

Your junkie brain is still trying to fool you into having a smoke...don't have any of it....

Those folks who still CAN smoke....do so because of two reasons.....they are still in total denial....or

The shit hitting the fan ..and thier health is suffering has not happened yet....but....

It will...you know it will.....

After smoking for X amount of years....it will take time.....it's still one day at a time.....

Oh and well done for treating yourself.....a perfect gift for being a fabulous non smoker....

Hugs xxx

[El Bandito]

Dopey Tart

[El Bandito]

Marti - it is completely normal.

 

You smoked for YEARS...and are quit for months. 

 

you are out there fighting the good fight Christmas shopping. Buying gifts for your loved ones. Feeling pleased with yourself when you get what you need. 

 

There - done it. "I'll just have a smoke then wrap those gifts"....Ooooops.

 

I'll go find Executive Assistant again and bump it for you.

 

Me and you - we are quit less than a year. We are moving into a MASSIVE trigger season. Weather, holidays, family gatherings, friend gatherings, drinks parties, shopping battles, cooking stresses......AND MORE....

 

Don't be confused - but stay vigilant. You will be grand Marti. Promise.

[Sazerac]

I expect to remain vigilant for the rest of my life,

that is if I want to remain Free.

Every day is a new commitment.

 

We are addicts, Marti.

This isn't like anything else.

Addiction requires constant vigilance, it doesn't go away.

 

It fades and gets far less serious when it knocks on the door

but, if we answer that knock it is all over and slavery begins immediately.

 

This was the part of addiction that I hated to admit...that it really never went away,

but, once I accepted it, the elephant in my room was tiny, infinitesimal .

I recognize addiction's knock and tell it to go away, Addiction will never own me. 

It can knock on my door until Hell freezes over.  I will never again be a slave .

 

From what I hear from long time quitters is that it gets better

and it is better every day (now at a year and change)

but, I fear complacency and am grateful for reminders and the choice to stay clean.

 

I get to be Free.

I don't care what other people 'get to do'

except I would bequeath this freedom on everyone, if I could.

 

It is all about the journey, Marti, 

and yours is a beautiful one.

Love,

S

[Dentalfloss]

You are only 8 months quit. Now don't get me wrong, 8 months is awesome but 8 months is nothing compared to all the years you smoked and last year at this time you still smoked. That means when you left the busy store and felt relief that you made it out safe and without incident you replayed your mental tape from last year where you smoked after leaving so this year everything stayed the same EXCEPT you don't smoke now so it's normal for your mind to wander to smoking thoughts.

[Still winning]

There was a time when this was a tough choice, a mentally trying choice...I want to be clear, I'm not there now. Those days are well and truly gone and I am forever greatful they are, they really sucked!! This is just plain strange that I am having these thoughts. 

 

Seasonal is a big one, I am feeling the change of season and it's my least favourite one. I never liked shopping, you couldn't smoke andhad to freeze outside...I have loved shopping this year, I felt free to start at one end of the town and work my way through without needing to stop outside...but then I kept seeing people smoke today and argh, why am I thinking about this was my thought and then I went to buy a rug lol.

 

It has just un-nerved me tbh. My quit is strong dammit and I'm annoyed at this nonsense. 

 

Doreen, I see it too, it's so painful, I don't ever forget again. DF, maybe a replay, that sounds plausible as does MG's season trigger. S, I don't think this quit I have under valued addiction, I have owned who and what I am and it has bequeathed great success to my formerly, well lame quit :)  Bandito calls me a dopey tart so often I think I'm immune ;) I will read Ea, it sounds plausible and it doesn't. It's me - I fought so hard - I don't want to be a smoker - why would it try and trip me nw, like now of all the times? Irrelevant because it can't and it won't and of course I'm sure of that but man, really?! How bizarre!

[Still winning]

New rug

 

 

So Many reasons I am happy to be a non smoker, a good numberof them shopping related  :D

[El Bandito]

Nice rug.

 

You, better than most, know the strength of the subconscious. 

 

I believe that addiction works in this area too - and from time to time, thoughts pop up.

 

Marvel at them. Laugh at them. But don't lend them a credibility that isn't there.

 

I know you won't smoke, you know you won't - but just like the 'dreams' your subconscious/fantasy self will play with the idea of smoking ;)

 

Laugh, buy a rug and move on!

 

'Atta girl

[Mastergardener]

Love, love, the purple. You must be my secret twin, color wise anyway!

Stay strong, you and all who are farther along are the rocks for which we newbies reach...

[Still winning]

Purple is my new quit love. I was always red or blue before :)

 

I always wanted a twin Karen, and we love to garden! :)

 

It'll be ok, it's just a bit odd is all. Like I said was not a problem, nor how it was early days (cause I know that scares newer quits and I promise, not the same at all and much easier if you let it be) but man, it just feels unreal and unfair I would see that and think oooooh, smoking. I guess just my way of checking others have felt this.

[joe]

 

 but man, it just feels unreal and unfair I would see that and think oooooh, smoking. I guess just my way of checking others have felt this.

 

yes..we have all felt this at one time or another...

 

we are addicts..

 

I really think the rest of my life those kind of moments are going to pop up....but like you, I recognize it for what it is...I dont plan to ever give in..or even dwell on it..but...yes,i think those kind of "blind side" thoughts will haunt most of us for some time :(

 

[Dors67]

Marti,

 

i love following your quit...our quit dates are very close...and you speak the words that I feel...I have never been much of a writer...but since my quit I have written more stuff in my life than ever before.

 

I too had this similar experience just a few weeks ago..I actually went into hiatus for a while...but I think that I have worked out that...well yes I am now a non smoker...and yep its fantastic....but I do not nor ever will have a non smokers brain...or thought process...I think that the two are separate in the way you feel about your quit. 

 

I think that even though the times that I think about cigarettes are growing less and less by the month...I will always have to fight the thought of it whenever I think of it...sometimes harder than others...but never the less I will always have to fight to keep my quit...because my brain has been wired differently because of my actions of 30+ years....

 

I regret the day that I became addicted and wish I could turn back the clock...but that is fantasy.  What I am doing right now is reality and sometimes the reality is a harsh one to face...but my brain is that of a nicotine addict and that is a hard one to face...but it can be overcome but with alot of faith and hardwork..It gets easier and then something will come along and sweep you off your feet...but with 8 months worth of education under your belt and the knowledge of what this addiction is doing to our bodies....we will no longer be its victim. 

 

KTQ

 

 

 

[Mastergardener]

Don't know of I this counts but my husband quit 12 years ago and says he hasn't been bothered for years. And judging looking at him that is true! When I still smoked, it didn't bother him unless I smoked right in his face. I didn't smoke indoors for the past 10 years.

[Pippa]

Hey Marti- nothing beats retail therapy as a way to keep the quit. I think craves are normal even at 8 months - the difference is we are in a better place to handle them ! I know you won't smoke - but maybe keep shopping just in case :-)

 

Ps - love the rug ! :-)

[sgt.barney]

New rug

 

 

It really pulls the room together .

 

 

Easy Peasy

[Chrysalis]

Marti, I trust you when you say that even though you get these thoughts/feelings you are not in danger of relapsing-- I get that. I also understand that it can be irritating, confusing and somewhat alarming to have these thoughts/feelings. I suspect that between the change of weather and the holidays a lot of subconscious stresses and triggers pop up that you might not even be aware of.

 

Maybe you're out shopping and you see something that would be a really great gift for your daughter (if you had a daughter). But it's too expensive-- much as you would love to see the smile on your daughter's face, this item would blow your whole gift budget. Then you fleetingly think that if your so-and-so boss had recommended you for that promotion last year you would have enough money now to buy that present. He's a jerk who just wants to build his career on your back and... and so it goes. You see how a train of thought can run through your head instantly and make you feel stressed without you even being totally aware of it. You THOUGHT you were just out Christmas shopping. How could that possibly make you stressed and angry and wanting a cigarette??!! 

 

Something (or some set of things) is triggering your thoughts about smoking right now. This is just a weird time. Try not to take it too seriously. Think about it the way my grandmother used to refer to her ailments. When her joints started hurting she would just shrug her shoulders and say, "Must be a storm coming, my rheumatiz is acting up today." Think the same way about your temptations. Say to yourself, "Must be something emotional going on today, my Nicodemon is acting up." and then just go about your day. 

 

PS-- Love the rug! I remember when you put that room together. I'm so glad you finally found the perfect rug to tie it all together. Good choice!

[Still winning]

Thanks guys. I like that I am over worrying rather then needing to worry.  I actually really needed that support as I was thinking how awful if this is a road to relapse and I just can't see it. I wonder if that panic will see me through the mental barrier of passing 364 days (my previous world record lol).

 

I've woken up today not so concerned though. I think I'm twisting it into how lucky I have so few moments now that I REALLY notice when one pops up.  

[action]

Hey Marti, sorry you feel like this right now... Maybe it's the whole festive season, and your first Christmas as a smoker? I'm not sure, but what I am sure of is you, and that you won't smoke!

 

PS nice rug ;)

 

PPS thanks for the laugh, I haven't heard anyone say they spunked all their money on something for an absolute age!

 

(((Marti)))

[Doreensfree]

Never doubted you honey ....for one minute.....

Thinking about smoking and actually doing it.....two different things.....

Love the rug.....always positive thoughts....I bought this lovely rug....because I'm not killing myself slowly anymore....

Nice one marti...

Hugs xxxx

[Tink]

You will be fine Marti, these thoughts and feelings will come and go, it's frustrating but unfortunately all part of the journey, you are a strong woman and this soon will pass xx

[MarylandQuitter]

It really pulls the room together .

 

 

Easy Peasy

 

No, Sarge.  "It really ties the room together. Does it not?"

[beacon]

This comes and goes. I think as time goes on, you hardly ever have the thought . For example, a friend of mine who has been quit for 20 years told me he thinks about smoking when having a cognac but never at any other time