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I was weak yesterday but had a strong neighbor! And I'm back on my feet.

Evelyn

By Evelyn
in The S.O.S. Board

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Evelyn Newbie

Evelyn

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I was all bloody in crisis and called my neighbor for a cigarette; she said NO, YOU'VE COME THIS FAR. BE STRONG.

So I put down my phone and thanked her for her answer.

I was weak but luckily my (used-to-be-fag-delivery replied-NO)

Today I'm VERY glad she helped my by saying no. I literally called her and said 'thanks for saying no to me'. 

Okay after scratching the wallpaper off the walls and going insane with evil memories I survived the evening. Can't remember how but no damage was done; I prayed A LOT!

Today in church I felt angry at God WHY again? But then the preacher said something: you can follow the seed of Cain (who killed his brother and hated) or live in GRACE and rely on Jesus.... My anger dript off me. 

 

I'm far away from leaving all my past horror memories behind me and processed but I know God will carry me through them, just like the poem about footsteps on the sand. I always wear a necklace on the back the poem is carved in shot, on the front on set of footprint of the Lord carrying me  with a cross.

I just felt the need to post this.

 

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MarylandQuitter Grand Master

MarylandQuitter

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Evelyn, you have come so far since I first met you.  You're far more confident than you once were and you're not afraid to take the bull by the horns.  I'm proud of you not just because you're beating the crap out of your nicotine addiction but more so because of who you are.  You're a strong, strong woman.  I can see it plain as day.

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Evelyn Newbie

Evelyn

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Evelyn, you have come so far since I first met you.  You're far more confident than you once were and you're not afraid to take the bull by the horns.  I'm proud of you not just because you're beating the crap out of your nicotine addiction but more so because of who you are.  You're a strong, strong woman.  I can see it plain as day.

 

MQ that's a huge compliment. I'm very thankfull I'm growing more and more. No more self injury etc.... no smoke when we crash down. Are we tempted when we relive horrific memories? YES but I as a person have a choice and like my therapist once said "the biggest danger to you is yourself".

No more of THAT! No more destroying myself, punishing myself... I choose to be free from the lies and abuse from my deceased father. Like my spiritual dad said "he's in jail and paying for what he did to you".

 

It's about time I make my own choices. And not listen to old toxic lies. 

 

I still have the scars of my self injury from the last 10 years... I can't wash them away but no drop of my blood will be spilled to hate myself or keep a secret / lie for my father who was evil himself. 

 

I choose to be free and do I have to process a mountain of bloody memories: yes but not with agression to my own body I do not give 'my dad' his victory. No longer.

 

Sorry if this is to personal or makes anyone unfomfortable. But replies on this are welcom; it comes right out of my heart.

 

Many tell me I've grown and I am still growing. But one think is certain I couldn't have done and can't do it without my faith is the Lord.

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