Reluctantly :-/

[MLMR]

Good evening.
 

To be honest: I’m writing this in despair. I have been quitting on and off for more than five years now. I have been on this forum before - with succes. I had a diary as long as the Chinese Wall. 
 

During my last attempt, christmas eve uptill this morning, I thought I had it all straight: a family support app, three quit apps, celebrating every little milestone, aromatherapy sh*t to help me cope, water, a million times herbal tea a day, I read every book and listened to whatever addiction related podcast I came across and then the frigging Black dog hits. The first signs of depression, dissociation, suicidal thoughts. And I simply cant deal with it. Nog again. This monster stares me straight in my face and I am so, so scared of going back to that place again. And I KNOW that eventually quitting will aid greatly to better mental Health. Been there for five years long… smokefree, it was heaven. 
 

I dont know what to do anymore. How to make this work. It feels like Ive done whatever can be done and yet… I’m too friggin scared for depression. 
 

My plan is to continue tomorrow. Start over again and not waiting too long. I want this so badly and yet I am not sure what to do when I’m at that specific point. I do know that Im beyond shame.. maybe thats a good thing, in this case. 
 

Are there currently people here with mental health issues, who can tell me their secret with quitting? Some tips? I probably already tried everything already, but I must be open to more. So, there. 

 

Edited Wednesday at 07:48 PM by MLMR

[DenaliBlues]

Hey @MLMR. Thanks so much for this post. It’s important to be real. Quitting is hard enough physiologically and cognitively, but I’m not sure we have enough honest talk about the emotional and mental health aspects of addiction and recovery - bleak bits and all. 

 

When I first quit I was most terrified of despair. Terrified that I would never be happy or whole without smoking. I was wrong. That was not an accurate assessment of my mental health - it was addict mind panicking about losing control. Those moments that feel like you MUST smoke (or that there is nothing to lose) cannot actually be trusted. In fact, I think nicotine makes depression worse…

 

I won’t lie - it was gnarly. I was messy a lot. But it did not destroy me. In fact, it fortified me… to be free of the shame, the shackles of compulsion.

 

My advice for what it’s worth: get a good therapist and try again. You belong here, my dear.

Edited Wednesday at 08:18 PM by DenaliBlues

[Paul723]

My best advice, and it may not apply to you, would be to live for life, not be lived by life.  Engage yourself in your life, both good and bad.  Quitting is just one aspect and there are many positives you can make yourself connect with (as you know!).  The dark place will be there weather you smoke or not; not smoking is not what takes you there.  Avoiding depression take a conscious and continuous effort just like quitting smoking.  Denali has given you excellent advice.

[Christian99]

Hi MLMR--

 

I, too, struggled with serial failed quits, and I know how discouraging it feels.  Realizing that my approach wasn't working, I decided to take a more radical approach:  instead of "just" quitting, I decided to situate quitting in the larger project of GETTING HEALTHY.  This included significant changes to my diet and a really serious fitness program, which gave me lots of positive, proactive things to think and learn about instead of obsessing over the thing I was ostensibly denying myself.  In addition, I hoped that these new activities would accelerate the process of seeing myself as a non-smoker, creating another line of defense during those inevitable moments of vulnerability.  While this new approach certainly didn't make quitting easy, it made it possible for me; I'm forever grateful that I tried it.  It's probably true that I went a little overboard with the diet and exercise during that first year, but many years later I'm still convinced that this was the way it needed to be for me.   

 

My point really isn't to encourage you to adopt my method (though it's worth thinking about); instead, I'm sharing it as an example of doing something(s) different.  What would a different set of actions look like for you?  Shifting the emphasis to practice--and pretty radical practice at that--as opposed to how I was thinking about cigarettes really helped me. 

 

We know you can do it!

 

Christian99

23+ Years Quit     

[intoxicated yoda]

hey MLMR...i really don't know if anything i'm about to write here will be relevant to your situation or not but take it for what it's worth.  not long ago I had some issues that vexed me greatly.  i was at the point i was about to say screw it and go get a carton of smokes and try to make up for lost time.  my world was crashing down around me and i was powerless to stop it.  doing nothing was torture but doing anything only made things exponentially worse.  no where to run and no where to hide.  so in desperation i decided to try gratitude and prayer.  at the time i couldn't think of much to be grateful for because all i could see was the disaster in front of me so i decided i would be grateful for that.  sounds stupid i know, to be grateful for the circumstances that i'm hoping the gratitude will abate but i never claimed to be an intellect.  Then I branched out and started being grateful for my next breath, the sunshine, the rain, the water i was drinking.  then i called out to my Creator and thanked it for watching out for me and those i cherish.  I wasn't perfect.  I had days I wouldn't think about gratitude and sometimes i'd even shake a fist at that Creator.  But as the days and weeks went on I came into some wisdom and that's what changed the game and here it is.  Your thoughts are not yours.  none of them.  we think they are cause it seems like we can control them but we can't.  once you understand that concept any guilt you have crushing you should start to fade.  now, we do have freewill in that we can give power to those thoughts through our attention and our actions or we can ignore them.  this is what connects or disconnects those thoughts to our emotions.  If you've been giving power to the wrong thoughts  the disconnection process will be unpleasant.  That process is simple but not easy.  you must not act on the thoughts that hurt you and you must act on the thoughts that lift you up.  use your discernment.  good judgement comes from wisdom.  wisdom comes from bad judgement.  pray and be grateful.  smile at your Creator and it will smile back.  put this to the test.  you don't need to join any religion or cult and no special postures or hand signs are necessary.  the gratitude and prayers you need are already inside you.  just give them some attention and let them stir your emotions and keep it between you and whatever power you choose to honor.  i hope this will be of some help to you.

[MLMR]

First off, thanks for taking the time and making such effort to respond. It means a lot to me, more than I can find the words for. English is not my language and sometimes I’m having a hard time to find the words and that makes me embarassed. Sorry in advance if I say strange things. 
 

@DenaliBlues thanks so much for your answer. It brought me to tears yesterday evening, because what you said about being real about the proces meant a lot to me. My fear of depression is a realistic one: ive been there too often. It can be a litteral matter of life and death when that happens. Nicotine does make depression worse. Thanks for saying I belong. That is the essence of where things go wrong in my head/heart.

 

@Paul723 avoiding depression is really only partially ‘choice’. I agree with you that to some extend it is a matter of doing things that are beneficial (sports, eating healthy, etc etc. My toolkit is there). But: It would be too simple to state that it is ultimately up to me wether I get depressed or not. It just doesnt work like that and it implies a sense of ‘its your own fault’.. maybe Im not totally getting your response, would you care to explain then?
 

@Christian99 Your approach is definitely worth concidering. I think I need to add two or three things to my weekly schedule, as to enrich my life. To shift my focus from quitting, to adding good stuff. I am seeing a friend tomorrow morning, will ask her to think with me in that. 
 

@intoxicated yoda your words are of help. I will read them again at some point. 

Edited Thursday at 07:13 AM by MLMR

[d2e8b8]

Hey MLMR, 

 

SOS - I would suggest using it a lot.

 

If there’s someone you can call, that may help also.

 

Sending positive energy your way!