Ramblings of a crazy woman

[Sarah]

I’ve no idea why I’m writing this, just feel I need to get it off my chest I guess and it may or may not be useful to you guys, it might be useful to me.

 

So I’ve been 5 months without a cigarette, I quit very flippantly when I took the plunge and dumped my boyfriend and thought quitting would be a good idea too.

 

I was with him for 5 years. One, maybe two of them were good, the last 3-4 years got me familiar with A&E. Worst was a broken arm and fractured eye socket after he was drunk and hitting me with a baseball bat, but still went back to him. I loved him I guess.

 

I’d been with cigarettes for about 15 years, quit a few times, and still went back to cigarettes. I loved them I guess.

 

Both were quite obviously bad for me.

 

I’ve now been without a punch in the face and without the chains of nicotine for 5 months. This is pretty amazing, I feel good, I know my lungs are better, my wounds have healed and my skin looks great. Everything is kind of perky!

 

I know I’m mentally a mess. I cry, often, for no good reason. I shouldn’t be crying I’ve dumped everything that is bad for me, well, still have wine, but I digress. I desperately crave all the hugs I can get, I know I hug people just a bit too much and a bit too hard.

 

I get hugs from this forum. I love you all. Genuinely. You have changed my life.

 

I know I will get better.

 

I wish I had a well thought out conclusion to this post.

 

I don’t.

[ArmedNAruba]

Being without a cigarette for 5 months is fantastic...

 

Being without a punch to face is something that should never of happened...in your lifetime.

 

Here's hoping you find the right guy.

[Doreensfree]

I am cryin reading this and will reply when I'm in a better place.....

Hugs darlin.....xxx

[Nancy]

(((Sarah))) You have accomplished so much!  It is normal to be weepy sometimes, with such big changes.  Be proud of what you have done...in both cases you have saved your life!

[action]

You are a very brave woman. Many people would have quit one of their abusive relationships, and needed to keep the other as a crutch. Uh-uh, not our Sarah. She quit them both. At the same time!

 

I'm sorry to hear what you had to go through - nobody should have to endure that. But, you are improving your life, and you are being very strong, and making the right decisions.

 

We are here for you, no matter what you need us for. We are your little internet family, and we only want you to be happy :d

 

And I will give you as many hugs as you want (((Sarah)))

[El Bandito]

Well Done Tiger.

 

Really.

[Chrysalis]

Sarah, I think that you are being very smart and very brave to break free of these toxic relationships. It sounds to me like the worm has turned and now our Sarah has finally decided to take care of herself for a change. That's marvelous!!

 

Keep patting yourself on the back-- out loud and often-- for getting out of that relationship and for quitting the cigarettes. Those were both HARD things to do and will take months or years to really leave behind you but you ARE doing it and you ARE succeeding! 

 

As for the hugs, the more you reach out to help and hug others the more love and hugs you will receive in return. Can you do something to help someone else? Do you have any elderly or disabled neighbors who would enjoy a visit or your help with something around the house? Can you volunteer to be a Big Sister? Or rock babies in the children's hospital? How about caring for animals? Can you get a dog or a cat? How about volunteering to care for dogs or cats at a local animal shelter? As I say, the best way to get love is to give love, I think that if you start to do that you will stop crying and start enjoying your life more. 

 

Again, congratulations on your wonderful accomplishments! Keep your quit! 

[Tink]

sweetheart both were an abusive relationship what you are feeling is natural, whats happening is called healing not physical but mental you are transforming into what you should be

 

both how ever horrid became your normal and now that has all changed and you are feeling a sense of loss of identity and probably lonely even though you are surrounded by people

 

I want you to listen to an old biddy here who has been in the arena

 

you are doing fabulous, you are emerging as a free woman and in the not near future something wonderful is going to happen for you but you have to give it time - in a rush to feel loved we can jump straight back into what feels normal and that could be another abusive relationship

 

you dont want that, you dont deserve that

 

time is a great healer

 

take a deep breath, go out into nature have some quiet time

 

trust me something wonderful will come

 

now you take all the hugs you can get from family and friends and us and you hold your head up high for you are FREE and you have a clean slate to be whatever you want to be and go wherever you want to go

 

pm me if you need to xxxxxx

[Doreensfree]

Way to go Sarah.......it's not easy to lay your life out,and tell others your deepest thoughts.....

It takes guts to completely turn your world around.....

You know you are so worth the best you can get for yourself.....

Dumping 2 bad addictions.....in one swoop........

Well done sweetheart......only good things for you now......

There's hugs flying all over the place here............

Here,s another...(((((Sarah )))))

[Still winning]

I don't have the right words for this, I don't think there are right words.

 

Being abused in any way, is an awful experience.

 

You are stronger then you realize today, but one day I'm hopeful you will see how far you came that day you stood and said no more.

 

To quit smoking at the same time was epic! Hug those friends too tight, and us. All good my lovely ((sarah)).

 

Love you lovely lady.

 

x

[Sazerac]

What a story, (((((Sarah))))).

I admire your strength and courage and Tiger-ness.

 

I get so mad when I hear this shit still happens.  

I get really MAD.

I have been lucky but,

almost all my girlfriends over the years have an abuse story...This HAS to change.

WTF !!!

 

You are changing everything for the Good, dear one,

and I am SO proud of YOU.

My friend, Sarah,  is a Tiger.

Love,

S

an extra Mami for you.

[Frezflops]

I have a cousin-in-law that was murdered by her abusive husband (they were divorcing and that is the most dangerous time in an abusive relationship) So I have a very low tolerance for people who abuse others it is inexcusable. You should be proud and stand tall for losing the loser BF and to quit smokes on top of that is awesome!!!!! {{{{{SARAH}}}}}

[Sarah]

Thank you everyone for your kind words.

 

I was kind of lucky when I split with him because all of 'our' friends after I told a few people what had been going on believed me rather than him, all the stories of me being clumsy and hurting myself became as unconvincing as they actually were. Many have cut all ties with him because of it, which has a sort of justice about it.

[REZ]

Congratulations Sara!

 

You are a lot stronger then you think you are lady!

 

I really admire your strength and courage for what you did!

 

To quit smoking and leave that **s hole at the same time really took some real guts!

 

Your forever happiness is just down the road, you will be there before you know it but do not speed or you may miss it!

 

 

ps - If I would ever see that kind of abuse, his head would be ripped off and then shoved down his neck!!!

[SanDar]

((((Sarah))))

[JackiMac]

Hi Sarah you brave wonderful lady, all you are feeling and experiencing at the moment is all part of the grieving process, when I separated and finally divorced my abusive first husband I would cry all the time,  although you knew you had to get rid of the badness in your life, mentally for you to be able to heal you need to grieve the same applies to quitting smoking, as time passes the emotions you feel do get easier, life becomes better to deal with, there is no time scale, you go at your own pace, you need to remember and be proud of you, you have to hold your head high, you survived my lovely and life is now for living, Hugs make the world a better place and sending you a lifetime of hugs xxx

[Humbled]

Sarah,

 

First of all, I just want to say one thing that I pray brings you some feeling of comfort - you are safe here with us and will be loved like family (you will never be judged or ridiculed or talked down to)  The people on this train are amazing and help change lives everyday.

 

That being said, I am personally proud of you not only for eliminating two very deadly things in your life but for being strong enough and brave enough to share your story with us. You have already taken the most difficult steps with your new life. 3 of the most difficult feelings to live with are Fear, Shame and Guilt - each will consume you in different ways until you face them and or eliminate them. You have done just that.  I understand that now you want to feel loved and you are in need of as many hugs as you can get - and that is ok we are here for you and it is normal. My sister was in an abusive marriage I saw the photos etc.. and my heart broke for her every day until she was strong enough to get her divorce and move on. The most important thing however outside of moving on etc.. is finding you again and loving who you are and knowing that the beautiful girl in the mirror deserves real happiness not just a quick fix or a false sense of hope or caring.  Here is one of my favorite quotes on happiness -  There is only one way to happiness and that is to cease worrying about things which are beyond the power of our will.

Epictetus

Once you can achieve happiness with yourself again you will be ready for real love that is reciprocal in nature - that one is my own! Good Luck!

[SueBeDoo]

(((((Sarah)))))

[Devil Doll]

(((Sarah))) 

[Still winning]

I suddenly thought of the poem I keep with me in times when I need to know my own strength. Invictus, william ernest henley

 

Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds and shall find me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate,
I am the captain of my soul.

 

Wondered if it could help. It gives me strength time and again when I feel a bit weak. xx

[Leanna]

Sarah, this broke my heart. You didn't deserve that and he didn't deserve you for five years. Thank you for opening up and sharing your story with us. Remember, we are ALWAYS here for you. This is a safe place. (((((((((Biggest hugs possible)))))))))))))

 

I feel so proud of you for quitting both. That takes a lot of guts. You are definitely a strong, brave woman who deserves only the best.

 

I think part of the reason we cry so much is because we don't understand how someone we love so much could do the things they did.

 

I was in an emotionally abusive relationship for a long time. We didn't talk about our feelings... crying was not allowed. He told me I was ugly, said I was a heartattack waiting to happen, and that no one will ever love me. I was devastated, couldn't look at myself in the mirror, and thought it was my fault. But it is NOT your fault; you are NOT to blame for the way he treated you. Let yourself weep -- it's part of the healing process.

 

Cheer up sweetie. You will find someone who loves you. You are an amazing person that any guy should be grateful to have. 

[Gabby]

One day someone is going to hug you so tight that all of your broken pieces will stick back together.

[Dentalfloss]

(((((((((((((((Sarah))))))))))))))))

You got rid of two terrible things in your life. Be proud of yourself. I know I am proud of you.

[Petra]

(((Sarah)))  Leaving abuse behind and quitting smoking!  What great things you are doing for yourself!

[beacon]

Sarah, good riddance to two nasty, unhealthy habits.

 

Hello future, unlimited, shiny, whatever you want. Freedom.