I Was the Smoking Spouse

[DenaliBlues]

A lot of couples struggle when one person quits smoking and the other does not. I’ve been reflecting on recent Quit Train discussions on this topic, because for decades I was "the smoking spouse."

 

I didn’t smoke in our home or in our car. But the smoke clung to me and was present everywhere I went. It caused a ton of tension with my mate. The stink. The health worries. The temptation to join in. She H-A-T-E-D my smoking.

 

That felt like a very personal rejection to me. She knew I was a smoker before we got together (and even joined in sometimes), so why couldn’t she accept me for who I was? I was making my own choices. Why did she want me to give up something I loved? She had bad habits that bugged me, so why couldn’t I have a bad habit that bugged her?

 

All of this felt very visceral and valid on the surface. But in actuality it was stinkin thinkin, and a rotten heap of rationalization.

 

My smoking was not a mere “bad habit.” It was a raging addiction. And living with an addict is tough. Getting my fix of nicotine was always the priority, always the organizing principle of our lives, one that I superimposed on her without her consent. Smoking was how I spent a lot of my time and money. Over and over again, I’d walk away from her – literally and figuratively – to go smoke. Over and over again, I chose to put my own gratification first - above her feelings and fears. This de-centered and abandoned her in subtle but significant ways. Not the kind of spouse I wanted to be.

 

My partner knew better than to try to force me to quit. She knew that breaking an addiction only happens from an internal commitment. But we still fought about it. And what I learned during those fights (eventually… begrudgingly… belatedly…) turned out to be important. It helped me recognize how my smoking affected her. I also became weary of all the tension around the issue. I had an ambivalent relationship with smoking anyway. Was it really worth all the crap it was causing?

 

As this was percolating, I was also watching my father die. He was sick for many years, and my mother sacrificed everything for his care. It depleted her physically, financially, and emotionally. Watching that slow motion tragedy was instructive. I didn’t want that for my relationship. Getting old is hard enough, even without complications from smoking. There’s no predicting what the lotto of life will toss our way, but my smoking was unilaterally increasing the odds of a bad outcome that would affect her deeply. Again, not the kind of spouse I wanted to be.

 

I ultimately made my own decision to stop smoking. My partner was not the only reason I quit, but it was a big one. To this day, supporting her wellbeing is something I can hold onto and use to protect my quit when cravings arise. 

 

Two highly independent people will always butt heads occasionally. I still annoy her sometimes, and vice versa. But quitting has right-sized our conflicts. Before I quit, small tensions absorbed extra energy from the major unresolved conflict between us (smoking). Refreshingly, now we just argue about dishes or yard work or whatever, without loaded subtext. I was fearful that I would feel resentful, but the opposite is actually true. Quitting is freeing. It's so much simpler. And the benefits for my partner are a beautiful part of my recovery journey.

 

I’m grateful for the chance to be on this healing road, with plenty of help from the good souls here on the Quit Train.

 

[jillar]

Great post @DenaliBlues, I was the smoking spouse as well so can really relate to so much of this....

Thank you  for  sharing  ☺ 

 

[Genecanuck]

14 hours ago, DenaliBlues said:

A lot of couples struggle when one person quits smoking and the other does not. I’ve been reflecting on recent Quit Train discussions on this topic, because for decades I was "the smoking spouse."

 

I didn’t smoke in our home or in our car. But the smoke clung to me and was present everywhere I went. It caused a ton of tension with my mate. The stink. The health worries. The temptation to join in. She H-A-T-E-D my smoking.

 

That felt like a very personal rejection to me. She knew I was a smoker before we got together (and even joined in sometimes), so why couldn’t she accept me for who I was? I was making my own choices. Why did she want me to give up something I loved? She had bad habits that bugged me, so why couldn’t I have a bad habit that bugged her?

 

All of this felt very visceral and valid on the surface. But in actuality it was stinkin thinkin, and a rotten heap of rationalization.

 

My smoking was not a mere “bad habit.” It was a raging addiction. And living with an addict is tough. Getting my fix of nicotine was always the priority, always the organizing principle of our lives, one that I superimposed on her without her consent. Smoking was how I spent a lot of my time and money. Over and over again, I’d walk away from her – literally and figuratively – to go smoke. Over and over again, I chose to put my own gratification first - above her feelings and fears. This de-centered and abandoned her in subtle but significant ways. Not the kind of spouse I wanted to be.

 

My partner knew better than to try to force me to quit. She knew that breaking an addiction only happens from an internal commitment. But we still fought about it. And what I learned during those fights (eventually… begrudgingly… belatedly…) turned out to be important. It helped me recognize how my smoking affected her. I also became weary of all the tension around the issue. I had an ambivalent relationship with smoking anyway. Was it really worth all the crap it was causing?

 

As this was percolating, I was also watching my father die. He was sick for many years, and my mother sacrificed everything for his care. It depleted her physically, financially, and emotionally. Watching that slow motion tragedy was instructive. I didn’t want that for my relationship. Getting old is hard enough, even without complications from smoking. There’s no predicting what the lotto of life will toss our way, but my smoking was unilaterally increasing the odds of a bad outcome that would affect her deeply. Again, not the kind of spouse I wanted to be.

 

I ultimately made my own decision to stop smoking. My partner was not the only reason I quit, but it was a big one. To this day, supporting her wellbeing is something I can hold onto and use to protect my quit when cravings arise. 

 

Two highly independent people will always butt heads occasionally. I still annoy her sometimes, and vice versa. But quitting has right-sized our conflicts. Before I quit, small tensions absorbed extra energy from the major unresolved conflict between us (smoking). Refreshingly, now we just argue about dishes or yard work or whatever, without loaded subtext. I was fearful that I would feel resentful, but the opposite is actually true. Quitting is freeing. It's so much simpler. And the benefits for my partner are a beautiful part of my recovery journey.

 

I’m grateful for the chance to be on this healing road, with plenty of help from the good souls here on the Quit Train.

 

Wow @DenaliBlues Well said! Thank you for your honest assessment of the negative impact smoking had on you and your spouse while you were smoking. Your statement, "All of this felt very visceral and valid on the surface. But in actuality, it was stinkin thinkin, and a rotten heap of rationalization" is very powerful. So much of what you said is what I experience with my hubby while he continues to smoke. The irony is that I allowed myself to become frustrated with his smoking and had the stinking thinking emotion that I might as well join him. I won't let that happen again. Many thanks.

Edited August 31 by Genecanuck

[DenaliBlues]

It took a long time before I could put myself in my partner's shoes. I couldn't see it until I started to come into reckoning with my own addiction. 

 

Every person and every quit is unique, but for me it is a two-part process. The first is abstinence: stopping the act of smoking, getting thru withdrawal, managing the cravings. Appropriately, the Quit Train puts a lot of emphasis on that phase because it's where so many of us get stuck and screw up. But after that, there is a whole second phase for me, recovery: healing from the damage that my addiction caused to my body, my mind, my relationship, etc. After 4+ decades of smoking, there is a lot to repair. Becoming accountable for the impact of my smoking on my spouse is one part of that healing. 

 

For what it's worth, I've worn the shoe from the other foot, too. I have been the partner of a person with an addiction to drugs and alcohol, the partner of someone whose using hurt me a lot. During that time, I had to constantly remind myself that the only person I can control is myself. I had to focus on the positive. I had to learn that resentments are like swallowing poison and expecting the other person to drop dead... a self-sabotaging waste of energy that changes nothing whatsoever about the addict's behavior. 

 

The way you are focusing on your very own quit is really smart @Genecanuck. You're nearly at the two week mark, and every day free from smoking is a beautiful thing to feel proud of! 

 

 

 

 

Edited September 7 by DenaliBlues

[Doreensfree]

Thank you D and G for these great honest posts … 

It has been an interesting read  for me . 
Im proud you both have and are fighting for your Quits 

My Hubby and I both smoked he passed  away after years of suffering from Emphysema . 
I so far have dodged the bullet …

I Quit before he physically couldn’t even pull on a cigarette … 

This made it easier for me …

And  health reasons 

KTQ

[Gus]

Well said @DenaliBlues  Expressing these realizations could only help your healing progress and because you shared them they will help so many others. 

[Genecanuck]

On 8/31/2024 at 10:51 AM, DenaliBlues said:

It took a long time before I could put myself in my partner's shoes. I couldn't see it until I started to come into reckoning with my own addiction. 

 

Every person and every quit is unique, but for me it is a two-part process. The first is abstinence: stopping the act of smoking, getting thru withdrawal, managing the cravings. Appropriately, the Quit Train puts a lot of emphasis on that phase because it's where so many of us get stuck and screw up. But after that, there is a whole second phase for me, recovery: healing from the damage that my addiction caused to my body, my mind, my relationship, etc. After 40+ decades of smoking, there is a lot to repair. Becoming accountable for the impact of my smoking on my spouse is one part of that healing. 

 

For what it's worth, I've worn the shoe from the other foot, too. I have been the partner of a person with an addiction to drugs and alcohol, the partner of someone whose using hurt me a lot. During that time, I had to constantly remind myself that the only person I can control is myself. I had to focus on the positive. I had to learn that resentments are like swallowing poison and expecting the other person to drop dead... a self-sabotaging waste of energy that changes nothing whatsoever about the addict's behavior. 

 

The way you are focusing on your very own quit is really smart @Genecanuck. You're nearly at the two week mark, and every day free from smoking is a beautiful thing to feel proud of! 

 

 

 

 

What a thoughtful and insightful post @DenaliBlues You are reminding me that recovery is really a two part process. It reminds me of all my AA friends reminding me that you can stop drinking but still be a dry drunk until you work on all the underlying issues that caused the addiction in the first place. Recovery really is a process. I have to work on the recovery side of my smoking addiction. Yes, I also have caused a lot of harm to others while I smoked. I have to own that and make peace with that and make amends for that. Many thanks for your for your support and your wisdom.