Posting from a very dark place

[babs609]

addiction sucks....

 

the only thing I can add is....when I was early in my quit and would have the "restlessness"  (I didn't like to call it a crave because it was weeks and months after nicotine had left the body)...I would look around and see all the non smokers in my life and think to myself...they have stress,  they have boredom, they have weight issues, they have personal issues...but through it all..THEY DO NOT SMOKE.  They are non smokers...why would they?  Well...so am I. I am a non smoker and I have to deal with the blows that life deals to me...like a non smoker does.  Guess what?  I survived.  I survived a lot of things that have occurred in my life the past 2 years..and a few of them were HUGE issues.   I also always remembered that I am not weaker then the successful quitters..nor was my addiction stronger...nor did I have something about me that made it more difficult....we are all the same.  the addiction is the same.   It's true.

[Nicole Diver]

Susana:  when I first quit, you and Darth were like lights at the end of the tunnel to me.  I admired you guys so much.  Especially you.

I KNOW you can do this.   I want you to be happy, and smoking obviously doesn't make you happy.  Please keep hold of that rope and if you need someone to hold onto too, hold onto me.

[babs609]

Susana: when I first quit, you and Darth were like lights at the end of the tunnel to me. I admired you guys so much. Especially you.

I KNOW you can do this. I want you to be happy, and smoking obviously doesn't make you happy. Please keep hold of that rope and if you need someone to hold onto too, hold onto me.

Very good!

[Still winning]

I read this earlier, I wanted to say something super profound, that would totally inspire and ignite a passion to be smoke free....but I had to make sausage rolls and party food.  I'm just that rock an roll!!

 

You remember how exciting weeks 1 and 2 are.  You're all 80s music, like flashdance "what a feeling, beats believing, you can have it all when you're dancin for your life"....you know that gut grrrr, "have it".  So you do that great.

 

Then you kinda get to the spandau ballet stage. Gold, always believe in your soul, you have the power to know, you're indestructible....", maybe a bit of destiny child "I'm a survivor" thrown in, cause ya know...can't live in the 80s right :)

 

Then you hit no mans land and sink into Celine dion "all by myself, don wanna beeeee".... No mans land is tough chick. It's the "rinse and repeat" of the quitting time. No one gives a flying... anymore but you're still there, trudging, this foot, that foot, this foot that foot....  

 

and you throw yourself off in frenzy of fear! But at what?  You've had tough times and survived right? I mean life goes on, even when it totally sucked balls. You need to man up my beauty...or woman up...you know what I mean.  You know when it's sunny and then suddenly it pours with rain and you got your flip flops and a blouse that's about to go see through and you think wtf...and then you see a rainbow a couple of minutes after... yeah that!!

 

Nothing to fear but fear itself lady!!  You will always be afraid if you let your mind take you there. Mental battle??  Why are you even questioning this...YES - MENTAL BATTLE...you gonna let some addiction conrtol you, does it even know who you are Susana!! Get a mental baseball bat and lets do this thing!! 

 

Walking beside you every day, YOU CAN DO IT - JUST TRUST THAT. xx

[bakon]

I like everyone to go back to page 2, read what Jenny said. Just the first line, .....

 

 

 

 

then tell my wife too. (She had to admit it earlier this week also.)

 

 

Now back to the previous show.....chickfromspainwhogivesuspain........your killing us too, quit smoking, enjoy the word NOPE. Case closed

 

 

Feel the Heal.

[queen greenlover]

I truly get the 6 wks of freedom,feeling good & thinking YOU can control "your habit" lit up & find yourself  once again smoking just as much as before this quit. I just hope you do this on your own cause I'm afraid even if a health issue crops up that won't stop you either. Realize this never ending cycle is killing you.  I wonder if part of your problem is the NEVER EVER GETTING TO SMOKE AGAIN scaring you into NOT succeeding. :rolleyes:  :rolleyes: 

[bakon]

Getting to smoke and wanting to smoke is the difference. Queen bee is on to something there

 

Got to not want smoke. Got to want to walk away from a bad relationship even if there once was something good and you dream for that part back. You no longer have it

Not an option. It's left and you can chase anything it will never be the same. Time to roll. Get your crap and move on to the new. But smile while doing it. Take something from it. Own it. It's a scar you can talk about. It's part of you that will shape the new you. But it's also never coming back good. So smile and enjoy the new trip, place, relationship. Whatever you want to call it. But first step is realizing the move away is the good part. It only gets better from here. Then your ready.

[JackiMac]

Susanna, I too relapsed, I too smoked for 2 weeks, I could have carried on and blamed the addiction, blamed the nicotine, blamed Joe blogs from down the street but at the end of the day, ME...I made the conscious decision to get a cigarette to light the cigarette and to smoke the cigarette, yes my addiction was telling my brain to smoke, but I could have been stronger I could have faced the crave face on, I could have not lit that cigarette, we ourselves have the ultimate control over whether we smoke, or whether we don't, yes we can listen to inner voices, but we have to choose not too, if we don't then we will continue to smoke, continue to half heartedly quit, knowing deep down that a few weeks, or months in the future we will relapse, we have to get up each day and know that we no longer smoke, that's really all it is, it is as simple as that, we are missing nothing, it doesn't cure our stress, it doesn't make life better, it certainly doesn't make us happier, get up and do not light another cigarette, you owe yourself more than a life of smoking and an eventual painful death, just remember smoking takes no prisoners and you have the choice to have a life of freedom.  Come back on board Susanna we are here, we will support xxx

[Jeffrey]

I´m posting here because I hope that my words will help somebody to make up their mind and not light up that "only one" cigarette.

 

I´ve been relapsed for a couple of weeks now. I was, too, romancing the cigarette, or feeling overwhelmed by the hardness of my quit, or who knows...

 

I did let go. I did it. I smoked.

 

When I say I am "relapsed" I mean it. I am not a "smoker". I am not a "happy smoker" who just lights up carelessly and enjoys the addiction without giving it a thought. After an informed quit, nobody can go back to be a "smoker". You just become a "relapsed".

 

- Smoking is not enjoyable. Not.A.Single.One.Of.Them.

- After the first cigarette, you want another one, and another one, and another one. Before you realise you are smoking a pack a day, two packs a day, regretting every single one of them. How was that? "I was where I wanted to be before I quit... and now I´m back there after all the effort, and the pride, and the happiness of reaching that point"... THAT.

- You start by being a closet smoker. You don´t want to face those people that knew you had quit and congratulated you and even asked you how you did it, in awe and admiration, considering whether they were ready themselves. So you hide. It is demeaning.

- Then you start smoking in the open, and facing those people that knew you had quit and congratulated you and even asked you how you did it, in awe and admiration, considering whether they are ready themselves. It is embarrassing. It is disheartening. This bit to me was really, really, really AWFUL

- After the first day the smoking cough comes back. All day. Clearing your throat. All day

- After the first night you wake up feeling rotten. The "I´ve been licking a dirty mop" feeling.

- You realise you DO stink. Smokers don´t realise they stink, but you are a relapsee... believe me, you DO. And there is no soap, no detergent, no cologne in this world that will delete that awful smell from your hands, your clothes, you hair, your pillow. You notice it from the start, and you keep noticing it every morning, every night, as a reminder of your stupidity.

- After a week of smoking you start noticing how you can´t run as far, or as fast, or a minuscule bike ride becomes exhausting, your legs feel sluggish, you are grasping for air... and you know why. After one week!

- You have an ulcer in your mouth and you think "mouth cancer". You have a pain in your back and you think "lung cancer". You spend all day, every day, worrying. Because you have ALL  the information by now... there is no hiding your head in the sand. You KNOW by now... you have read, you have seen the videos, you KNOW. Smokers may not know, or they may not want to know, but you.... you KNOW.

 

And then the cycle starts again... just this one, just this pack, just today, just this week... you realise you are not a smoker. You are a relapsee, and your place is with the quitters, not with the smokers, and you just want to go back. Back to where you were a couple of weeks ago, when you were proud, and were celebrating, and smelled nice, and were healthy, and were making plans for the future, looking at the money you had already saved, looking ahead, looking forward. When you are a relapsee you only look back. You just want to get back.

 

That´s where I´m at. It is a nasty dark place. Please do not look at me and think "Hmmm... I want to be where Susana is". Don´t be an idiot.

 

I know. I´ve read, I´ve listened, and still I did it. I just hope you don´t. My intention is to be where you are now... and it would be really sad if by then you are where I am now.

 

I honestly hope this helps. I also hope I will be with you tomorrow. I am not enjoying a bit where I am now.

Susana- I am a newbie again. I had two years that ended July 2011. I am back and I am back for me.

I don't have the "credits" in my opinion, to offer any suggestions but one and no comments but one:

Never quit, quitting smoking. My comment: We are what we make up our minds to be.....what will it

be for you.    (((hugs)))   Jeffrey

[SueBeDoo]

Have you quit Sue?

I just read your post again and maybe you should too, I can't understand why you want to smoke, you said yourself how horrible they make you feel, how much they make you stink, you are much more miserable as a smoker, I've seen you post for a couple of years now and when you have quit you are always in such a happy place, your posts are upbeat, full of positivity and happiness and when you relapse you are soo depressed and horrible to yourself, why would you possibly choose that.

Seriously start again, go treat yourself to a wash and blow dry, get a facial, quit this week and put yourself first again, treat yourself right, pamper yourself until you feel great again, oh and splash out on expensive body moisturiser and perfume and keep sniffing yourself, can't beat smelling yummy and trust me, men would rather smooch a non smoker ;)

No harm chatting with your doc if you are still feeling depressed xx

 

We ALL want nothing more then to see you succeed and be happy again xxx

[Susana]

I read this earlier, I wanted to say something super profound, that would totally inspire and ignite a passion to be smoke free....but I had to make sausage rolls and party food.  I'm just that rock an roll!!

 

You remember how exciting weeks 1 and 2 are.  You're all 80s music, like flashdance "what a feeling, beats believing, you can have it all when you're dancin for your life"....you know that gut grrrr, "have it".  So you do that great.

 

Then you kinda get to the spandau ballet stage. Gold, always believe in your soul, you have the power to know, you're indestructible....", maybe a bit of destiny child "I'm a survivor" thrown in, cause ya know...can't live in the 80s right :)

 

Then you hit no mans land and sink into Celine dion "all by myself, don wanna beeeee".... No mans land is tough chick. It's the "rinse and repeat" of the quitting time. No one gives a flying... anymore but you're still there, trudging, this foot, that foot, this foot that foot....  

 

and you throw yourself off in frenzy of fear! But at what?  You've had tough times and survived right? I mean life goes on, even when it totally sucked balls. You need to man up my beauty...or woman up...you know what I mean.  You know when it's sunny and then suddenly it pours with rain and you got your flip flops and a blouse that's about to go see through and you think wtf...and then you see a rainbow a couple of minutes after... yeah that!!

 

Nothing to fear but fear itself lady!!  You will always be afraid if you let your mind take you there. Mental battle??  Why are you even questioning this...YES - MENTAL BATTLE...you gonna let some addiction conrtol you, does it even know who you are Susana!! Get a mental baseball bat and lets do this thing!! 

 

Walking beside you every day, YOU CAN DO IT - JUST TRUST THAT. xx

 

OMG!!!! You rock! That post is just genius! Jajajajajajajajaja! So true!

 

[Susana]

I feel awful. When I posted the original post it wasn´t about me. I just thought I could contribute something helpful from my postion and off I went.

 

Then I regretted the post because it had become, again, all about me, drama, drama, attention, attention... which wasn´t my intention and made me extremely uncomfortable.

 

Then I felt angry and frustrated that my words would be misinterpreted and (seemingly) used against me.

 

Now I feel a bit more positive and really appreciate what you lot are doing. Tough love or not tough love you do care. Of course you are frustrated when you encounter a difficult patient! "Why what worked for me doesn´t work for her?" "Why does her make it so difficult to herself?" "Why can´t I go there and hit her around her head with a broom until sense enters her stupid brain?"

 

I will quit. I´m getting ready. I need to get my mind ready. Last time I thought, I expected, a happy quit and I got a bitch of a quit. This time I´m getting ready for the mother of all bitches. Knuckles and tears. But I owe it to myself. I´ll do it. When? Tonight? Tomorrow? I will know. I can´t promise it will be tonight. I need to feel that "ready-go" gunshot. It has always worked once I put my mid to it. It will work again. It takes me a while to jump, but I do jump. And it is a question of hours or days once I´m for it. Then comes the swimming...

 

Lately I have been "down" but rather than depression I think it has been sheer exhaustion. I haven´t had holidays for two years. I was looking forward to a break in August, and I didn´t have one. Not only that but this summer I´ve been working my b***cks off. I am now divorced and have a mortgage to pay. It is not fun but it is what it is. Tough titty. So I´ve been working silly hours, in scorching heat. And dealing with family problems too (which are of no interest here). Burning the candle from both ends.

 

Next week was going to be another workathon. My plan was to finish three inheritances of non-residents so that I could go to Madrid for a wedding on Saturday, and stay unitil Monday to pay the inheritance tax in Madrid before coming back. I´m not doing it. I´m not going to the wedding. I´ll complete the inheritances between next week and the following week and get my tickets and hotel to Madrid whenever they are all finished, and my clients cover the cost of travel. That takes a lot of pressure off me. Making it a better environment to go through hell week, without a lot of added pressure.

 

I really appreciate your support here. Different types of support, but all well intentioned. Thank you.

 

it will not go to waste with me. I promise.

 

And now I don´t regret having posted, as I truly think that the whole thread may be very positive to newbies and people going through "no man´s land". I hope!

 

  :give_heart:

[Chrysalis]

Susana, you're a sweetheart. Thank you for calming down and understanding that we just want to help you free yourself from this dangerous and expensive addiction-- each in our own way, of course.  :)  

 

Yes, it was clear from your original post that you were primarily trying to help others who might find themselves tempted to relapse. You succeeded in your intention. Your original post and the responses to it will be a very valuable resource to others who are feeling shaky and tempted. Even the wide variety of responses you got will be helpful to others-- different messages resonate with different people. Thank you for "paying it forward" and I hope that you will soon be ready to quit again. 

[Doreensfree]

Hi Susana,

Everyone here wants you succeed.....yes,ok,people say it different ,but it all means the same.....

In my early quit.....I took all what was said in a positive way......

I felt kinda special.....where else would a group of people ive never met care ,care enough about me to help through this ....

I hope you find your sticky quit......

[Ladybug]

Susana, you're a sweetheart. Thank you for calming down and understanding that we just want to help you free yourself from this dangerous and expensive addiction-- each in our own way, of course.  :)

 

Yes, it was clear from your original post that you were primarily trying to help others who might find themselves tempted to relapse. You succeeded in your intention. Your original post and the responses to it will be a very valuable resource to others who are feeling shaky and tempted. Even the wide variety of responses you got will be helpful to others-- different messages resonate with different people. Thank you for "paying it forward" and I hope that you will soon be ready to quit again. 

 

You remind me at a friend of mine. She is in an abusive relationship since years and keeps on going. Occasionally he goes too far, she moves out and stays with us or other friends for a few weeks. Then, she is full of plans of her new life alone and she seems to see him as what he is, just a bad guy, not good for her. After a while she sounds differently and she doubts herself "can I really do this all on my own" and it even seems that she misses him for whatever reason. She gets scared of her own courage and somehow he always talks her into coming back...and so she does. Nothing ever changes. The guy is still the same and sooner or later their life goes back to normal, what means the abuse continues. Then, she calls and moves in with us again...like a never ending cycle. I hope that one day she will find the strengths to do what's best for her...so far I doubt it, but still I have hope. 

 

Susana my buddy, you are in the same cycle and I do hope that you will find the strengths to break the cycle. You were my hero when I quit, you were always there for me and you inspired me. You kicked me verbally in my behind when I had bad days and I needed that. You were on my side celebrating my small milestones with me. Do you remember? I wanted to be where you were then and now I want you to be where I am. Smoke-free throwing my strengths toward more important things.

[Jeffrey]

I have compassion and understanding for anyone who is on that rationalizing merry-go-round,

but I also know there is a bottom line: I either want to smoke or I want to not smoke... smoking doesn't

have anything to do with anything but smoking.

Don't think I lecture here, I had smoked for decades and went back many times, too;

but just for today, a day at a time, I choose not to smoke. I have to stay in the day and not smoke TODAY !

Yesterday is a  cancelled check and tomorrow is a promissory note.

 

All My Best to Everyone who for today is standing up to this dastardly addiction. Thanks

for not smoking, because all of you here on QT help me every time I see you didn't smoke

again for another day !   Wow...Not too Shabby ! :)

[IamDoingIt]

Susana, I know and have lived every one of your words.

 

My quit journey started on 01/04/2012 at 2 PM! My first quit was easy and simple and lasted 2 months, at which point I romanced the cigarette. Since that time, I have continuously battled quitting/smoking. I am quit, but I will not ever say I am successful until I have a year without ONE SINGLE PUFF.

 

Nobody with any type of educated quit can ever go back to the ignorant smoker who happily puffed along, ignoring all the dangers, the warnings, the indications from his/her own body. That smoker who said 'It's just a little habit.'

 

So, there are those of us who are the slow learners.... We see the rules, we hear the words, we read the posts, but we just don't get it yet. We have not made it through to the other side. I find it quite easy to make it into No Mans Land. I have not found the trick to get through. Perhaps this is the time. It sure is right now. I'll worry about tomorrow when tomorrow comes.

 

I know this post is going to provide fuel to other people who will misinterpret what I am trying to say.

 

I am just trying to say, there are others on this board with multiple relapses, too. Keep battling! Find that thing that works for YOU!!!!!!!