Posting from a very dark place

[Paul723]

You can succeed if you let your self do so.

[sgt.barney]

When I say I am "relapsed" I mean it. I am not a "smoker". I am not a "happy smoker" who just lights up carelessly and enjoys the addiction without giving it a thought. After an informed quit, nobody can go back to be a "smoker". You just become a "relapsed".

 

 

Bullsh|t.

 

You are a smoker in denial.

 

We had this discussion a year ago - y'know: honesty and how you can never have a successful quit, The Sarge says again: NEVER - until you can be honest.

 

Sarge sees that the discussion didn't "take", as you are once again being dishonest.

 

You are lying to us and, more importantly, to yourself.

 

Do you believe The Sarge now?

 

 

Easy Peasy

[Nancy]

Susana, I am usually a softie...but for God's sake cut the crap and just put down the damn cigarettes!  It does not require self- reflection, posting from a dark place or a unicorn's butt...just put down the damn cigarettes!  You have tried every method known to man...so let's try this one...just don't smoke!  No excuses...I have listened to you talk the talk for over a year...how about just walking the walk?  Just don't smoke!!

[Chrysalis]

I still don´t know what the problem is.

 

I seem to do great to start with, and then after week 6 I go mad. I did 103 days last year and felt great. I know exactly why I threw that quit away but I´d rather not tell. Then did another 6 weeks, and another 7 weeks, and 6 weeks and so on and so forth.

 

To be honest. I´d rather quit and think about it at week 5.

Susana, it sounds like you get caught up in the "No Man's Land" phenomenon. You pride yourself on rising to the challenge of a new quit and you enjoy the attention and applause you get from a new quit. But as the weeks and months pass all the excitement dies down and your patience for the (now occasional) craves plunges to zero. You don't seem to have a very clear and enticing picture in your head of why you want to quit smoking and how your life will be better without smoking so you decide to throw in the towel and go back to smoking. You enjoy the drama and attention of the relapse for a while, and then you quit smoking again.

 

Does anyone know if Joel Spitzer ever recorded a video talking about this thing I"m calling "No Man's Land"? The middle period of a quit where the excitement of a new quit has died down but you still feel craves and are tempted to smoke sometimes?

[MarylandQuitter]

I was in a very dark place a few weeks ago. I didn't smoke. I didn't want to smoke. I didn't think about smoking. I don't smoke anymore. Smoking was a beam of sunlight compared to where I was so please don't tell me that you're in such a dark place because you're smoking yet again. Your struggle is self-inflicted so there is no "woe me".

 

It doesn't matter what creative label you want to smack on your forehead you're still a smoker and more importantly, an addict for life.

 

Unless you get a grip on reality in the next few minutes, you'll be right back to smoking on your way to work in the morning, that's if you haven't already ran out and bought more cigarettes.

 

You're an adult. Pick yourself up, dust yourself off and get back to the business of quitting by THROWING OUT ALL OF YOUR CIGARETTES AND FOR CRYING OUT LOUD, DON'T BUY ANYMORE!

 

Start back at day one, just like a newbie because right now, that's what you are. Quit for good and your experiences will help countless others who struggle to stay quit but first you have to help yourself and the only way you can do this is to not smoke. Not so simple for you so welcome to Chapter 1. Day 1. Begin the begin.

 

How To Quit Smoking

This video lays out simple tips for people wanting to quit smoking.

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l27zWo7hbcY

 

Why Do Smokers Smoke?

Video discusses how nicotine addiction causes cigarettes and nicotine products to incorporate into almost every aspect of a smoker's life.

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S9AmZiI3rNI

[Colleen]

Susana, I don't care what you call it, just knock it off.  You are torturing yourself.  Why keep doing this to yourself over and over?  You deserve better.  What do YOU need from US to get where you need to be?  This isn't about just quitting, Susana.  One day that revolving door that you keep spinning around in is going to come to a dead stop.  Then you will not have a choice to quit or not.  The only choice you'll have is which color oxygen tank you get. 

[beacon]

In your heart there is hope. Quit. Act as is until it is true.

[Pippa]

I am not sure how long you have quit before? Maybe you never get to the good part, the free part, and so being quit is not truly appealing?

Susana - we do love you but it really is time for you to take a look at where you are going wrong - you are just torturing yourself by having to go through the quit time and time again! I think Beacon has a great point - you never seem to get to the good part of the quit. So make a decision - and commit to the quit - you really can do this ! and remember the support of this board works best when you post here before you take another puff not after !

[Devil Doll]

I think that almost everything has been said. Unicorn butts were mentioned ffs. All I am going to say here is that I don't understand how you keep putting yourself through the crappy 72 hours/hell/heck/wtf weeks over and over and over and over again. Stop already. You can freakin' do this if you just stick with it. 

[Holski]

Oh Susana Banana.

I really don't know what to say. We both have been on this freaking roller coaster from hell for too long now.

If everyone else can do this, so can we.

I know that when things are good is when I am in the most danger.

I know that may seem weird to some but it is the false sense of youth and fun that is associated with smoking that is in my mind.

I get to feeling like a teenager that is going to go crazy if I don't see my friends. That kind of feeling.

Very strange in that I'm 42 years old. WTF?

Anyway, I am re-training my brain and in the meantime not smoking. I like what was said about not making it long enough for the good stuff.

Or something like that. The longest I've had is 6 months so for me, I hadn't made it out of no man's land, in my opinion.

Somehow I am just not going to smoke because all of the stuff that makes me feel like smoking is gonna kill me and I really don't want to die from this disease.

I was reminded of a saying in AA, "Don't leave before the miracle happens."

So, I don't want to leave before the miracle happens. Meaning I feel good in my own skin as a non-smoker.

I am totally rambling. I just want you to know I care and I am always routing for you and we deserve to be non-smokers that aren't miserable being non-smokers.

 

Everyone here loves you and wants you to succeed.

 

(((Susana)))

[Chrysalis]

Holski, I just noticed your signature line: "Nutella is not chocolate pudding and shouldn't be eaten as such." I love that! LMAO!!

[Colleen]

I still don´t know what the problem is.

 

I seem to do great to start with, and then after week 6 I go mad. I did 103 days last year and felt great. I know exactly why I threw that quit away but I´d rather not tell. Then did another 6 weeks, and another 7 weeks, and 6 weeks and so on and so forth.

 

To be honest. I´d rather quit and think about it at week 5.

So, at week 6 make some drastic changes.  You have to change something or you never will.  Did you quit today?

[El Bandito]

Hey Susana.

 

Sorry to hear of your troubles.

 

There is a lot of wisdom above. Read it.

 

What can I offer you?

 

Perhaps one thing, "Stop Looking for a Silver Bullet".

 

There ain't one. Zyban, Chantix, CT, NRT, they all rely on the same thing.

 

Don't put things in your mouth and set fire to them.

 

Read Marti posting about holding on. Read about chemo treatment. Learn from friends here with COPD, with partners whom have COPD.

 

Relax Susana. You are an addict. Me too.

 

Don't put things in your mouth and set fire to them. Ever. It works.

[Doreensfree]

Susana,

You are no different to all of us here at quite train.....you just have to want it bad enough.....

Make a promise...never to smoke again .....no matter what......

This is how I did it.....oh ya my body fought me all the way....it kick and screamed and threw a fit....

But would I give in.....never.....

We can support you here forever.....but it's only you that can stop putting them in your mouth....

Folks here have found all different ways to achieve this goal,they knit,they punch bags,they ride bikes,they play games....

You have to find something.....me....I just come here an annoy everyone.....but it works just the same....

You have got to make that promise first to yourself and mean it.....

Hugs xx

[Pippa]

We can support you here forever.....but it's only you that can stop putting them in your mouth....

Folks here have found all different ways to achieve this goal,they knit,they punch bags,they ride bikes,they play games....

You have to find something.....me....I just come here an annoy everyone.....but it works just the same....

Hugs xx

Hey Doreen - love ya heaps but sorry this is a fail - no way, no how could you annoy any of us ... We all love ya way too much xxx

[Tink]

Oh Susana Banana.

I really don't know what to say. We both have been on this freaking roller coaster from hell for too long now.

If everyone else can do this, so can we.

I know that when things are good is when I am in the most danger.

I know that may seem weird to some but it is the false sense of youth and fun that is associated with smoking that is in my mind.

I get to feeling like a teenager that is going to go crazy if I don't see my friends. That kind of feeling.

Very strange in that I'm 42 years old. WTF?

Anyway, I am re-training my brain and in the meantime not smoking. I like what was said about not making it long enough for the good stuff.

Or something like that. The longest I've had is 6 months so for me, I hadn't made it out of no man's land, in my opinion.

Somehow I am just not going to smoke because all of the stuff that makes me feel like smoking is gonna kill me and I really don't want to die from this disease.

I was reminded of a saying in AA, "Don't leave before the miracle happens."

So, I don't want to leave before the miracle happens. Meaning I feel good in my own skin as a non-smoker.

I am totally rambling. I just want you to know I care and I am always routing for you and we deserve to be non-smokers that aren't miserable being non-smokers.

 

Everyone here loves you and wants you to succeed.

 

(((Susana)))

that was not a ramble that was a beautiful post!  :wub:

[Frezflops]

Su I cant add much more to what has been said except I am happy that you have posted but it is on you to do this we can be your cheerleaders or your tough love group but you have to do the work. You know what it is like on the other side come on over and stay this time {{{{{HUGS}}}}}}

[Tink]

Susana you know what you can have it all, just believe, your life, your friends everything you have to give nothing up just walk away from the smokes before your doctor says you have to because you will die if not, its that gruesome and that real

 

we are here for you hun x

[Doreensfree]

Susana you know what you can have it all, just believe, your life, your friends everything you have to give nothing up just walk away from the smokes before your doctor says you have to because you will die if not, its that gruesome and that real

 

we are here for you hun x

Tracey said it well....why wait the really bad stuff to happen....and it will.....

No good will ever come out of smoking....it will get you one way or another in time.....

How many good folks have suffered,thinking it will not happen to them.....

It does happen ....

[Doreensfree]

Hey Doreen - love ya heaps but sorry this is a fail - no way, no how could you annoy any of us ... We all love ya way too much xxx

I'm only kidding.....you guys know I love everyone of you....wouldn't want to be any where else....

((((((((((((((((((group hug )))))))))))))))))))

[Susana]

Every time I have thrown a quit away it wasn´t for the sake of "just one". In these last two years I have thrown a large number of quits away because I honestly thought I could go back to being a "happy smoker". If I couldn´t be a "happy quitter" at least I would be a "happy smoker". The problem is I can´t be a happy smoker. Never. Not any more.

 

So I find myself in the worst possible place: miserable if I quit, and miserable if I smoke.

 

Only the miserability of smoking comes easy, and the miserability of quitting comes with an effort on my part. So the junkie brain tends to take the easiest of two routes. Of course it is junkie thinking... what would you expect from a junkie?

 

If 100 people tell a junkie "you can do it" and two tell her "you can´t"... whom does the junkie listen to?

 

Tell the junkie that she has tried a million times and she is doing it wrong, and what does the junkie think? "of course I´ve tried and failed so many times... what is the point of trying once again?"

 

Tell the junkie that she is not ready to do it and what does the junkie think? "of course I´m not, that´s why I´m not going to even try"

 

All I can do is to keep trying, again and again, hoping that one day by sheer luck or divine intervention I will feel that epiphany that some of you have felt before, that "I will never smoke again, I don´t know why I know but I know", or that I will encounter an "easy peasy" quit, or that the doctor will find something scary and that will be the trigger to get rid of this bl**dy addiction once and for all. Mind you: my mum died of a heart attack probably induced by her COPD. She even smoked whilst in hospital. Maybe it runs in the family and really there is no hope for me? (more junkie thinking). At least I already own two oxygen machines, a "proper" one (it is blue) and a travel one (still in the box) - sarcasm now.

 

In a positive note: I´m not giving up giving up. I want to be where I was last September. I want to be where you are. It is just that it is taking me longer than usual to find the way there.

 

Thank you for keeping the light on.

[Ladybug]

Don't quit

 

When things go wrong as they sometimes will,
When the road you're trudging seems all up hill,
When the funds are low and the debts are high
And you want to smile, but you have to sigh,
When care is pressing you down a bit,
Rest if you must, but don't you quit.

Life is strange with its twists and turns,
as everyone of us sometimes learns
And many a failure comes about.

When he might have won had he stuck it out;
Don't give up though the pace seems slow -
You may succeed with another blow.

Success is failure turned inside out -
The silver tint of the clouds of doubt,
And you never can tell just how close you are,
It may be near when it seems so far;

So stick to the fight when you're hardest hit -
It's when things seem worst that you must not quit.”

(St. Jude)

 

 

Put your head straight and go for it, like you do with many other things. No "ifs" and "buts", no excused just a clear line -like in business. "This is what I want and I will do it; nobody and nothing can stop me". Go for it Susana, don't search longer for loopholes...there are none. Either you smoke or you don't. Relapse is torture buddy, you are too smart to torture yourself over and over. The dark place in your head! 

[deltawings]

Susana? You owe me an explanation!

[Frezflops]

Su if you need help with depression you should seek it, You deserve to be happy and if you are struggling with depression it is important that you seek the help you so deserve. Take care of your whole being mind and body. 

 

It is ok to seek help It does not make you "weak" it makes you aware of your needs and putting your needs where they should be top priority!

 

{{{{hugs}}}}

[Petra]

I'm sorry, but all I can think to say is smoke or don't smoke.  The choice is yours. 

 

I am sad for you that you are feeling down.  There is this gratitude thing going around on Facebook.  People are saying three things they are thankful for for five days or something like that.  Maybe you can do something like that, but do one thing every single day.  Post something you are thankful for or something that makes you feel happy.  Even something simple like that first cup of coffee in the morning or seeing the smile/giggle of a child, petting a cat, a phone call from a friend.  Be happy.  Life is short.  Not every moment of every day is good, believe me, I have struggles in my life and know this to be true.  But, I also know that there are good moments and happiness within each day and that is what I try to focus on.  I also am not a "religious" person, but I try to thank God everyday and ask Him for strength and guidance. 

 

Smiles and hugs to you, Sista.