The Long Road of a Relapser

[JackiMac]

It only took a puff, one drag of a cigarette and the nicotine took hold again, I thought It wouldn't effect me, HA, I thought I was stronger than the Nicotine, Ha, 7 months DAMN 7 months lost, for weeks beforehand I was romancing the nicotine, allowing it inside my head, I gave it room to grow, I was tired of the battle, surely I wouldn't have to fight anymore, how wrong I was.  One puff was all it took and I relapsed, I let myself down, the look on my partner's face when I told him, the disappointment, the cigarettes didn't taste good, didn't make me feel better, didn't stop the stress I was going through, but still I continued!!! The Addiction had a hold on me again, I tried after the first day, but will power was not enough.  My GP was amazing... Champix back on it Jackie, and although the Champix is making me as sick as a pig its a small small price to pay to be smoke free again.  Every night I lay in bed I could smell the smoke, it turned my stomach, I could taste the nicotine in my mouth, damn stupid addiction I hate you.  Everyone one at work held me and hugged me, I didn't want to post I checked on everyone saw how they were all doing, I had some wonderful support, El Bandito, Marti, Suebedo, Doreensfree, Wiley, I want to really thank you all so very much.  I am here today a non smoker, am I any wiser, I certainly hope so, I hope to face this battle with renewed strength, renewed determination, I will recognise the craves for what they are, I will deal and face them as they come, I will not romance the nicotine any more,  I am also starting a two week course from Paul McKenna which is intense reading and listening to a CD and hope this only re-enforces what I believe inside, I DO NOT WANT TO BE A SMOKER ANY MORE. I AM A NON SMOKER.  Its been a very long long road for the last two weeks and one that I do not wish to repeat ever again.  I want to survive, I do not want to die a long slow painful death as a non smoker.  I am so proud to walk beside you all on this journey.................xxxxx

[Sazerac]

It was wild you throwing yourself from The Train like that and painful too !  YIKES !  

Please don't be doing crazy to yourself anymore.

Freedom is Bliss.  

 You know it.

Love,

S

[Devil Doll]

You've got it Jackie. You know what you have to do and you can get it done I know that you can. Welcome back! :D

[Doreensfree]

sweetheart,I read this with tears....I know how disappointed you were ......

I'm sp proud of you for just jumping right back,you belong here......with all your non smoking friends.....

We've,e got you.....and will support you all the way......

It's a reminder for us all......

Hugs and kisses xxx

[Paul723]

We will be only too glad to walk with you!

[beacon]

Well, it's too late now as I have you in the seat on the train and I have buckled you in tight between me and the Sarge. Try getting off now.

 

:)

[Tink]

Good to see you back jacks, I can call off the search party ;)

 

You know how it went wrong please use that knowledge to move forward

 

welcome back hun xxx

[BAT]

You got this QB  :)

[Dentalfloss]

I hope you don't mind me asking a few questions. What made you start romance them and what did you consider romancing?

[Blondie]

I almost smoked yesterday...  but I didn't.  Was in the car with hubby  ( who still smokes)  anyway he stopped at a smoke shop and bought a pack.  we was headed to walmart anyway I was thinking just one wont hurt.  YES IT WILL.  I thought about it and then I realized and told my self if I smoke that cigarette then I will have destroyed every single minute of this quit I have going on.  I know it is not quite 5 days but I have worked very hard at keeping this quit strong.  I refuse to let 1 stinky cigarette screw it all up for me.  I just opened the car window and let the wind blow in my face and I didn't smoke.  I am not wanting to lose my quit and I didn't!!!

 

we can do this I just have to keep the right frame of mind at all times.

[Doreensfree]

I almost smoked yesterday...  but I didn't.  Was in the car with hubby  ( who still smokes)  anyway he stopped at a smoke shop and bought a pack.  we was headed to walmart anyway I was thinking just one wont hurt.  YES IT WILL.  I thought about it and then I realized and told my self if I smoke that cigarette then I will have destroyed every single minute of this quit I have going on.  I know it is not quite 5 days but I have worked very hard at keeping this quit strong.  I refuse to let 1 stinky cigarette screw it all up for me.  I just opened the car window and let the wind blow in my face and I didn't smoke.  I am not wanting to lose my quit and I didn't!!!

 

we can do this I just have to keep the right frame of mind at all times.

Well done Wendy......you were tested...and won the battle.....

Every battle won....brings you nearer to winning the war.....proud of you....

[JackiMac]

Thanks everyone I'm home and it feels really good.,  Dentalfloss, during my quit I would often test myself, push myself to see how far I could go in a crave without giving in, two weeks before I relapsed possibly even more I found myself not only pushing myself but believing that I could just have one puff and it would hurt me, I could be one of these people who socially smoked, just have a cigarette now and then, surely that would be ok, rather than putting these flames out I couldn't stop thinking about them, I couldn't sleep, before a crave would appear and I would smash it away, saying so long sucker, but not this time, I actually began to want a cigarette again, I actually forgot how bad it tasted, just two weeks in a relapse and my cough is back, my nose is constantly running, I smell, my clothes smell, I deliberately asked a friend who smoked who I knew would say go on try it I told her I was stressed and wanted a cigarette, I didn't SOS and I had stopped commiting to NOPE on a daily basis, I stopped practising what was working for me I thought I was better than the nicotine too soon.  That's romancing the cigarette and the crave, as soon as a crave starts either SOS or practise NOPE, read, educate yourself, that's what I am doing from now on..,. Ohh and Beacon I forgot to mention you in my original post thank you so much for your support xxx

[bakon]

Nope works best for me. Kept me safe. Glad you learned lesson and shared it

[action]

Glad to have you back with us Jackie - very proud of you for getting back on the train!

 

Please stay close to us!

[SueBeDoo]

I'm having a very emotional day today and you my friend have just finished me off, blubbering mess, I'm soo bloody happy to have you back pal, don't you ever fecking do that to me again or I won't forgive you xxx

[Nancy]

Jackie, so very sorry you have to go through this...but so very glad you are back...

[comrade simba]

Thanks for sharing how crappy it was and how lousy you feel about it now! That's the kind of pep talk I need to keep my Rationalizer shut up.

 

At a 12 step meetings I always ask the relapser did you puke? Did you lose a job? Did you wake up next to something horid? Than I thank them for doing the dirty work for me.

 

Thanks jackie! ;)

[Nicole Diver]

Jackie. I am grabbing hold of your hand and not letting go this time. There is nothing we won't do to get you healthy and happy. You deserve it.

[Tink]

Bumped for jess x

[El Bandito]

Great bump T

 

Thats why they pay you the big bucks! ;)

[Dors67]

I just read this post.....wow....this is such a personable post about relapse and the feelings that came along with it...I hope that anyone who is thinking about smoking "just that ONE cigarette" they read this post and realise that there is nothing to be gained by smoking it....ONLY disappointment....

 

Thank you Jackie for your frankness about relapse....

 

May your days be filled with joy and freedom from smoking forever...you have earned it. :)

[jess]

Jackie, you are an inspiration. I found your post from August and I will re ad and re read it every time I am tempted to have just a puff. I still have that glorious junkie thought in my head that just a puff wouldn't hurt and maybe would tell me smoking is not what I want. Truthfully, the logical part of me knows one puff and I'm right back at it full force..been there done that. So Jackie thanks for sharing and helping through the urge! Have a great day!

Jess

[jess]

Jackie, you are an inspiration. I found your post from August and I will re ad and re read it every time I am tempted to have just a puff. I still have that glorious junkie thought in my head that just a puff wouldn't hurt and maybe would tell me smoking is not what I want. Truthfully, the logical part of me knows one puff and I'm right back at it full force..been there done that. So Jackie thanks for sharing and helping through the urge! Have a great day!

Jess

Bumped for jess

 

Not sure what bumped means but thanks Tracey!

[Tink]

 

Not sure what bumped means but thanks Tracey!

bump or bumped just means and old post gets brought up to the top (if you write a post like "bumped" or comment on it, it will bring that topic to the top in the discussion forum

 

jackies very honest open account is a true inspiration as she was at 7 months when she tried just "one" this post of hers will even inspire some of us who occasionally have the junkie thoughts

 

I am glad it helped you jess and you could even print it off so you always have it with you, jackie would be proud as we are of her x

[El Bandito]

It's so easy to listen to that little voice...

 

NOPE!