How to eliminate the "constant battle"?

[Chrysalis]

I was poking around the site today and stumbled across MarylandQuitter's "About Me" essay (which is very good, by the way). In the essay he says, "The worst case scenario is a relapse and the next worse thing is a constant battle." [emphasis mine] The constant battle is where I need help.

 

I quit smoking almost 5 months ago. I'd say my quit was pretty typical. In the beginning I thought about cigarettes constantly and had frequent craves. As time went on, the thoughts and craves became less and less frequent.

 

Yes, the thought of smoking would pop into my head once or twice a day but I was able to immediately redirect my thinking elsewhere. Once or twice a week I would have to fight a little harder. Although I definitely did not want to go back to smoking, for some reason I kept picturing myself walking into my local convenience store and buying my preferred brand. Again, however, I would practice N.O.P.E. and distract myself with some activity or exercise or reading "Nonsmoking Cats" or something. After less than an hour the "crave" (if that's what you want to call it) would fade away. 

 

And so it went for 4.5 months-- no big deal, nothing unexpected, making progress every day. 

 

Then along came Mom's health problems. My 92-year-old mother lives alone in another state. She broke her hip last October. In recent months it has been hurting her more and more to the point where she can hardly get out of bed. Two doctors took X-rays and told her that is was arthritis. However, that just didn't make sense to her--she's had arthritis and it was never like this. The pain was so bad that she would stay in bed and be hungry rather than face the pain of getting to the kitchen for food or to take her medications. Finally, I had to go down there myself and figure out what was going on. 

 

I was shocked at her condition! In the 2.5 months since my last visit she had withered away and lost her spirit. She was in pain 24/7, unable to sleep because of pain, depressed, frightened, and hopeless. To make a long story short, I found a GOOD doctor who realized immediately that the original break never healed so the bone was being resorbed. The tips of the screws were now protruding through the top of the femur and shredding the inside of the hip joint. He also thought there was necrosis along the site of the fracture. Oh my God!! No wonder the poor old lady was in agony!  

 

I won't go into any more detail now (the only solution is major surgery which she might not survive). But the point is that being with her 24/7--seeing her pain and fear and frustration-- not to mention my own frustration that I couldn't "fix" it for her, triggered my urge to smoke BIG TIME!! Thoughts of smoking and fantasies of going to buy cigarettes became constant. I still did not WANT to smoke. I knew, intellectually, that smoking would do nothing to solve any problems. But the memory of the stress-release and the "a-a-a-h-h-h!" feeling of getting a nicotine fix would not leave my mind. It was almost as if I was so desperate for relief from this incredible stress that I badly WANTED TO BELIEVE that cigarettes would help. Can you understand that?

 

Unfortunately, even when I got home again the cravings wouldn't stop. The desire, the imaginings, the craves eroded my strength. I simply ran out of patience to deal with it. I had so much stress already-- I had so much to do to get Mom scheduled for surgery and so much to think about-- I just got fed up with dealing with this cigarette sh**, too! Enough already!! I felt that I was really on the verge of relapsing and I did not want to do that. I just needed relief from these constant, corrosive thoughts. 

 

In desperation, I asked my support forum for help. They are a terrific bunch of folks and were very willing to help but all they could advise me to do was to hang on and say: "Cigarettes will not solve any problems." and "N.O.P.E." That is what I was doing. That approach worked fine for me to handle the occasional thoughts and craves that I had experienced throughout my quit. But now, now that I was REALLY stressed and REALLY obsessing about cigarettes, it just wasn't working any more. 

 

Thankfully, I remembered that I still had some Chantix left. I figured that if it helped me during the first difficult weeks of my quit (which it did) maybe it would help again now. So I restarted the Chantix. My craves and obsessive thinking went away immediately and I was able to calm down. I did not smoke. I protected my quit. Hallelujah! (By the way, I discussed this with my doctor and he approved.)

 

My question for you all is: have you ever been faced with a situation where the desire for a cigarette simply would NOT go away day after day? Where intellectually you knew that smoking would not help but emotionally you were desperate for some type of relief? Did you ever think that you were going to relapse even though you didn't want to? What did you do? How did you get through that? Is this still the same old "romancing the cigarette" that people talk about or can there really be extra-special difficult situations?

 

This is where MQ's essay resonated so strongly with me. When he said, "The worst case scenario is a relapse and the next worse thing is a constant battle." I am afraid of the constant battle. It's not constant for me right this minute (thanks to the Chantix) but I wonder if my desire to smoke is really just under the surface such that any major stress could activate it. One major emotional upheaval and--bam!-- I relapse! I want to be alert to such a possibility and take steps now to arm myself against it. Any suggestions?

 

[sgt.barney]

Did you ever think that you were going to relapse even though you didn't want to?

 

Impossible.

 

You can only relapse if you want to ... and you take action on that want.

 

A relapse doesn't just jump up and grab you by surprise. It is a conscious decision. A choice. A particular set of actions that one *voluntarily* partakes in.

 

You have a choice, y'know.

 

The Sarge doesn't want to relapse, so he *chooses* not to.

 

 

 

 

Easy Peasy

 

 

 

BTW - It goes away. It really does.

[LucyThai]

No one who ever practices nope relapses ever, its very simple and some tend to over think it. But its true you cant be truly practicing nope and relapse, I practice nope and I know I will tomorrow and for the rest of my life so I know I wont relapse ever. 

[Chrysalis]

Sorry, Sarge and Lucy. While I appreciate your good intentions, I think I made it clear in my post that the standard advice of "Just dont' smoke." wasn't cutting it for me. I am looking for examples of what extraordinary measures people took during extraordinary times. 

 

My concern here is not just me. (Yes, it is mostly me, but not JUST me.  :) ) I have heard that something like 90% of smokers relapse within one year. Quit smoking aids and support forums like this one can increase the success rate such that 20-30% of smokers remain quit after 1 year. I think that is a terrific success!

 

But that still leaves at least 60 or 70% of people who try to quit smoking-- who often do quit for a while-- relapsing. That's a darned shame and that statistic frightens me regarding my own quit. I don't think I'm any kind of "special snowflake" in regards to relapse rates. I think we should work on preventing relapses.

 

So I am trying to think of and plan for how to prevent a relapse when the standard approach does NOT work. Is there anything?

[Still winning]

My Mum got ill (we live together and she is my carer). My quit had been secure enough but the whole time my thought process kept screaming you could smoke now, for sure this is a great reason...

 

I must admit I never thought about chantix but I'm a whatever works kinda woman.  I literally sobbed with fear, exercised like a demon and talked constantly to my partner telling him to physically stop me if needs be.  If it helps to know, as the situation eased the craves went down again. 

 

x

 

EDIT: Sorry, I am her carer!

[Susana]

The way I see it, based rather on my experience last year than my so far short current quit.

 

- One doesn´t relapse unless one wants to relapse. This is clear and as you point out in your message, it is the worst case scenario. Usually worst case scenarios never happen because are a) unlikely and b.) mainly under our control even though we may not be aware.

 

So the relapse option is just.... not an option. You will not relapse because you don´t want to. And that is that. Now, let´s see what really, really, really worries you, as I read your message...

 

The constant battle

 

How to avoid the constant battle? I have to go back to Allen Carr for this, and his idea of reprogramming our brains so that we repudiate smoking. If we can reach that point where the mere thought of smoking is repulsive and obnoxious, we will be happy non-smokers and there will be no battle. Just happy non-smoking lives. We won´t think of smoking as we don´t think of sucking on our car exhaust.

 

I can´t see other way other than reprogramming. Obviously we have been programmed to believe in the cigarette for 20-30-40 years, we would be fools to believe that we can undo all that in just 4 months!

 

Most folk who are successful report that they had come to peace with their normal non-smoking life (no battle) around the 1-year mark... so let´s wait and see, and work on the reprogramming in the meantime to see where it takes us. Nothing to lose, huh?

 

Thank you for bringing up this matter :good:

[Chrysalis]

Thanks, Marti. That is exactly what I am looking for. Examples of extraordinary measures during extraordinary situations. And it does help to know that when the trigger situation stops the horrible craves stop, too. Thanks!

[Chrysalis]

Yes, Susana! That is what I would dearly love-- to think of smoking as I would think of sucking on an exhaust pipe (love the analogy). I must admit that I have ALWAYS been jealous of the former smokers who have just become completely turned off to the idea of smoking. I certainly have not reached that point. Perhaps, as you say, I will with time. Sure hope so!

[robert]

There seems to be a group of folks who suffer for long periods of time with the "constant battle" against thoughts of smoking. Some seem to get over this battle after much suffering, while others give up and relapse.

 

I suspect that the Chantrix is only helping because you believe that is helping -- the power of the mind. The nicotine receptors in your brain have likely long since normalized,  and Chantrix will no longer help physically.

 

I would think that thoughts of smoking will be with us forever, albeit less and less over time. You have a choice -- you can constantly do battle with the thoughts or you can train yourself to accept these thoughts and simply let them go. Anyone can learn to observe their thoughts without acting on them. Like anything else it takes time and practice.

 

Best wishes.

[Still winning]

I am going to add actually, I think it made my quit stronger strangely enough. Both that situation and my SOS months earlier took my quit to the next level.

 

In addition to that I went through extended periods where I felt like I was on a roller coaster where I'd be up, up up and then down hard, only to go back up again and so it continued! It was mentally exhausting but I knew through all of that the quit was secure, just it was mentally a pain in the butt!! A totally different sensation that I could totally NOPE too.

 

I still sometimes worry but then I batter the eardrums of my quit buddy and he threatens me :)  Literally, or insults me haha.  

[Paul723]

Time will end the constant battle.  What helped me get some time was to not give smoking thoughts any time in mind.  As soon as I had a smoking thought, I dismissed it.  No discussion.

[Still winning]

There seems to be a group of folks who suffer for long periods of time with the "constant battle" against thoughts of smoking. Some seem to get over this battle after much suffering, while others give up and relapse.

 

I suspect that the Chantrix is only helping because you believe that is helping -- the power of the mind. The nicotine receptors in your brain have likely long since normalized,  and Chantrix will no longer help physically.

 

I would think that thoughts of smoking will be with us forever, albeit less and less over time. You have a choice -- you can constantly do battle with the thoughts or you can train yourself to accept these thoughts and simply let them go. Anyone can learn to observe their thoughts without acting on them. Like anything else it takes time and practice.

 

Best wishes.

Totally agree with this. A lot of it is mental.  The problem is everyone is different and some people just don't get there as quick. But that's ok, that's why we have forums to deal with different sorts of quit and I always hope for the easy peasy one for everyone. x

[MarylandQuitter]

Chrysalis,

 

I hope this helps.

 

I'll Have To Use Willpower For The Rest Of My Life Not To Smoke

Most people overestimate how much of a battle staying smoke free will be once they quit smoking. This video discusses how people will generally stop thinking about smoking and not need to exercise any extensive use of willpower in order to maintain their quits.

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R71uQfy9nu0

 

Will I Ever Stop Thinking Of Cigarettes?

Most people overestimate how much of a battle staying smoke free will be once they quit smoking. This video discusses how people will generally stop thinking about smoking, and much sooner than they usually think.

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8310BI-euJw&index=14&list=PL4F05C03D0F9B86DB

Related resources:
Craves and thoughts that occur over time
http://www.ffn.yuku.com/topic/207

Related videos:
Tell a newbie how many seconds a day you still want a cigarette
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W_S_Z8...
Talking to others about not smoking
http://youtu.be/n08bxg01NOw

[LucyThai]

My quit was very hard and not my first but my commitment to nope has made the difference this time Joel and Allen's information was the difference maker for me. As soon as I took it in and let it get rooted I knew nope was the real key to freedom from smoking. I think of smoking still but I understand as long as I don't I am free not one puff ever means there's no battle I don't smoke, battle over before it even starts.

[Susana]

We want to relapse because we think that we are going to feel better after the relapse than now. It is our lizzard, basic brain taking over. We do things without thinking long term. I want it, and I want it now.

 

I quit smoking x days/weeks/months ago, but now I want to relapse because smoking is going to calm my nerves

I quit smoking x days/weeks/months ago, but now I want to relapse because smoking makes me look cool and fit in with my friends

I quit smoking x days/weeks/months ago, but now I want to relapse because smoking will help me lose weight and look good

I quit smoking x days/weeks/months ago, but now I want to relapse because smoking is fun

 

Hang on...

 

"smoking calms nerves?

"smoking makes you cool and fit in with your friends?

"smoking helps you lose weight and look good?

"smoking is fun?

 

Really? These are lies, and we know this BEFORE we quit. We in fact quit because of these lies. We quit because smoking is a pain in the butt, that makes us be on edge 24/7, makes us look like dirty losers, makes us mix with the "wrong" crowd just because they smoke, it stinks, it tastes yuck and  it is definitely not fun.

 

So, if we knew this right BEFORE we quit...... why have we forgotten it once we are quit?

[sharonsiff]

Chrys for some it does seem like the first 6 months are tough.I found it a real battle not to smoke in those months, I honestly did.

 

Chrys I cried a lot and found it helped to vent, on the forum I was using. I also found those very strong 'urges' did just stop, like that, just stopped. I also found around the time they stopped, December, was when the night sweats stopped and my periods came back after not having any for 5 months. I don't know if any of that is going on your end?

 

Bear in mind I had bloods done, months after, and no sign of being pre menapousal showed up in the results.

 

Something goes on inside for some of us Chrys and I think you made the right move protecting your quit, and visiting your doctor.

 

I don't have the answer, who does? But let's hope one day the spend money on research to see what is going on, so it can help others not relapse.

[Devil Doll]

These are the posts that I was really looking forward to coming from you. Chrysalis I truly am so happy that you joined this board. 

 

I, too fear the "constant craving". The beginning of my quit was rough as well. It eases up and "junkie thinking" does creep in even now 7 months in. What I do is take deep breaths and question myself. 

 

I know that we think that we enjoyed smoking but toward the end, before I quit, I wasn't enjoying them and I realized it. I was smoking because I had to not because I wanted to. So now I realize that sense of enjoyment, relaxation, and "ahhhhh" is all false. We (our addiction) thinks it is there but when we really think back to when we were smokers it isn't there. (I hope that makes sense). 

 

I think back to my first ever cigarette... and any subsequent *first* cigarette (after a hospital stay or what not) and the feeling of how physically sick it made me. No release, no good feeling... dizzy, and nauseated is always how I felt. Once I smoked that first one though the receptors were woken back up and the constant withdrawal begins again. Why would I want to throw away xx amount of months free for something that makes feel sick? 

 

I also think about all of my accomplishments since I have quit. I can run, I can work out, I am proud of myself, my kids are proud of me, my new internet family celebrates me every month. I don't want to throw any of that away, not for a freakin' cigarette. 

 

These are some of the things that I think about when I feel that I am romancing it. It does help me to just take a minute and think. 

[Leanna]

Hey Chrys:

 

My mom passed away last year at the age of 59. I was 26 at the time. I was around smokers 24/7 leading up to her funeral service, which wasn't a week until after her death because she died on Thanksgiving weekend (October here). I spent most of her funeral service outside with the smokers. I would love to say that my quit was so strong that I didn't even think about smoking, but that would be a lie. 

 

Distractions were key for me. Anything I did would keep my mind busy so I was obsessing less about cigarettes. I would go for a walk, bake, visit family, write, doodle, read, etc. 

 

What you're experiencing does go away with time. I forget that I was once a smoker now. For the time being though, use this forum to vent -- venting definitely helps! Read the success stories/celebration threads here. Write down the reasons why you quit and keep the list close by to reflect on them whenever you feel like your quit is wavering a bit. Really think about how a relapse would make you feel. 

[NayNay]

Chrysallis, so sorry you are having such a difficult time in your quit.  What exactly is it that is causing you to crave so badly?  Do you think that while you are in the midst of a bad crave you would be able to find a quiet place to sit and meditate?  Meditation can help in so many different things.  I use meditation to help with anxiety; especially when I am in the throws of an anxiety attack.  It usually helps me to calm down and be able to move on.  Perhaps this could work for you with cravings?  

 

Just a thought.

[sgt.barney]

Sorry, Sarge and Lucy. While I appreciate your good intentions, I think I made it clear in my post that the standard advice of "Just dont' smoke." wasn't cutting it for me.

 

Then, unfortunately, you're going to fail.

 

The only way to win is to ... well ... don't smoke.

 

The ONLY way.

 

There is no magic.

 

There is no silver bullet.

 

You will not find what you seek.

 

You already have the correct and only answer that works.

 

I am looking for examples of what extraordinary measures people took during extraordinary times. 

 

There are no "extraordinary" measures.

 

There is only one measure need be taken.

 

There is only one measure that can be taken and maintain a quit.

 

That being: Do. Not. Smoke.

 

It is simple. And it is easy.

 

Do.

 

Not.

 

Smoke.

 

 

My concern here is not just me. (Yes, it is mostly me, but not JUST me.  :) ) I have heard that something like 90% of smokers relapse within one year.

 

It's higher than that.

 

Quit smoking aids and support forums like this one can increase the success rate such that 20-30% of smokers remain quit after 1 year. I think that is a terrific success!

 

But that still leaves at least 60 or 70% of people who try to quit smoking-- who often do quit for a while-- relapsing. That's a darned shame and that statistic frightens me regarding my own quit. I don't think I'm any kind of "special snowflake" in regards to relapse rates. I think we should work on preventing relapses.

 

Those 60 or 70% ... those 90+ %

 

They chose to smoke.

 

Chose.

 

It is as easy as choosing not to smoke.

 

It is always a choice.

 

Always.

 

So I am trying to think of and plan for how to prevent a relapse when the standard approach does NOT work. Is there anything?

 

 

Unfortunately, unless you learn this, you will not make it.

 

The Sarge at this point does not believe you will make it.

 

Resistance and denial is no good for a successful quit.

 

No.

 

Damned.

 

Good.

 

Lose the resistance, lose the denial, or lose the quit.

 

Again, a choice.

 

Always a choice.

 

Always.

 

 

 

Easy Peasy

[Chrysalis]

Sarge, happily, I do not have to structure my life according to your tea leaves. Nobody, including you, has any idea what my future holds for me. I am quite confident of my quit-- at least as confident as the statics can support.

 

I do believe, however, that some people like to bull their way through life while others prefer more thought and finesse. To each his own!

[LucyThai]

 

 

Resistance and denial is no good for a successful quit.

 

No.

 

Damned.

 

Good.

 

Lose the resistance, lose the denial, or lose the quit.

 

Again, a choice.

 

Always a choice.

 

Always.

 

 

 

Easy Peasy

If more people could embrace this and let it root in them there'd be a lot less relapse on everything. You Sir may very well be a bull but your a smart one who wont relapse. It was only when I admitted where and who I was that I know I wont ever relapse either its not complicated and I refuse to make it that way. Thank you for being no non sense and straight forward, its what people need cause sooner or later it clicks.

[action]

I have not experienced this yet Chrysalis (I can be extremely stubborn), but I have also not been through the stress that you have recently. But, thank you for making me think about this - I plan to keep this quit, no matter what I have to do!

[joe]

I dont really have any advise to offer that hasnt been said here...

 

To be quite honest, Sarges "easy Peasy" pi$$ed me off in the early stages of my quit...but ..now I get it..

 

I had the same trials as anyone else..lots of "stressful situations" that I was trained to believe smoking could get me through..

 

EXCEPT...when I decided to quit...that's what it was..A DECISION.. I dont know how to explain it, except it was a feelling I had deep inside that.. I WAS quitting..

 

I knew it was going to be hard to do the first few days..but I didnt set myself up for failure...I wasnt going to TRY to quit...I was GOING to quit... no matter how hard it may seem, I knew if I refrained from smoking..one day at a time..I was hoping the words of wisdom from these great people on the board would be true..that it will get easier with time...

 

and you know what.........

 

My quit is now   "EASY PEASY"

 

I know I am only 9 months into this and I have a whole lifetime ahead of me...but as long as I dont smoke....1 day at a time...I am not "aiming" for a year ...or "for-ever"..my goal is for today..and as long as I make that decision ...everyday...I will never smoke again..

 

I like to believe it comes down to old fashioned "willpower"

 

you are going to be faced with a lot of reasons your mind will try to tell you that its ok to smoke...BUT..

 

all you have to do is ask yourself..at that moment...do you REALLY want to quit..I knew my answer, so thats what I used to get through the tough times...I just had to be honest with myself..

 

I REALLY DID WANT TO QUIT..

[beacon]

Chrys, at about six months I had some big big cravings for no reason than I can determine. The thoughts were relentless. I white knuckled it for about a month every day until the thoughts faded again to a relatively manageable level.

 

I have spent allot of time contemplating why I want to smoke at times or why I miss it because people on the boards tell me that if I don't, I am just going to relapse one day, maybe not now, but years later.

 

Right now I say feh to this line of thinking. I think it is just time put in after the first few weeks . The longer I quit, the less I will want to smoke . Time and impulse control and self discipline. .....It could be that forever I will have a thought from time to time but it will not be THE thought. Also, I cannot poke the sleeping bear by taking a puff or having one when I am drinking because this may wake up the physical addiction.

 

Now maybe I will change my mind but this is how I am feeling now