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My Stupid Junkie Brain

Tink

By Tink
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Tink Newbie

Tink

Posted
Posted

So for a week or so now I have felt its presence you can actually feel it coming to the front

 

my excuses for entertaining it

 

oh Im in a different country, I have no friends here, no job, no car etc etc 

 

I am alone in the day and all I know is my old friend Smokey - he will keep me company!! thats something familiar that I could do right???

 

I was fighting these thoughts and thought what great excuses I have to relapse, no one could blame me surely!! 

 

I didn`t want to tell anyone about it as I didn`t want anyone to talk me out of it!

 

it all came to ahead on my birthday, too much wine and feeling sorry for myself again, missing my family and a hug from them (birthdays are always special in my family)

 

I purposely fell out with Rez so this would give me even more of an excuse!

 

I stormed out of the hotel and went stomping downtown on my own/drunk! with only one purpose and that was to buy Cigs

 

I did buy them!

 

I had them in my hand - mission complete - now what?

 

STOP THINK!!

 

choice 1 - open and smoke go back to square one and be a smoker

 

choice 2 - return to hotel a non smoker

 

I chose choice 2 - I returned to the hotel, no Rez OMFG where has he gone I was more worried about him then, he obviously went looking for me worried sick what I was going to do

 

crave hit again now - OMG what have I done

 

phew Rez returns - I confess to buying cigs but not had one - he suggests we go out - I agree I need distractions

 

craves all gone, just glad we are safe and non smokers

 

go to casino meet some crazy couples and end up spending the evening with them guess what they are all smokers! no crave I just watch them and Rez is my non smoking bouncer - NOPE and it was gone, all that drama gone

 

on return to the apartment yesterday I took myself off to reflect as that scared the living daylights out of me the night before, how easy it could have been to throw away 8 months just like that

 

on reflection I asked myself Tracey seriously do you want to be a smoker or a non smoker?

 

I really looked in depth in myself and my answer was a non smoker no matter what it takes day by day for the rest of my life if thats what it takes and sometimes it will be like that as there will always be something that I could use for an excuse right

 

my name is Tracey I am a nicotine addict and this was my brush with relapse 

 

today is a better day :)

 

stick to NOPE its our best weapon

 

 

  • Like 8
Nancy Mentor

Nancy

Posted
Posted

Oh, Tracey, you scared me!  Isn't it awful that our addiction will cause us to pick fights with those we care about...and then think that makes it okay to smoke?  We have to remember that NOTHING will make it okay to smoke.  Thank goodness you caught yourself in time!

  • Like 3
Doreensfree Grand Master

Doreensfree

Posted
Posted

Tracey my dear sweetheart.....

Thank you posting this very honest post today.....but wow......

You knew you were not going back to those stinking dam things.....

A close call ...yes.......but it's made you stronger......

Good man Rez......go and give him a hug....

Sometimes we just need a little kick up the backside to set our thinking straight....

Love ha heaps.....

  • Like 1
John_Doe Newbie

John_Doe

Posted
Posted

Tracey, you did well. Because you didn't smoke in the end and you were honest with Rez. I can't imagine how hard it is, but it will pass. Time heals everything. And don't forget that you are a non-smoker who knows that those white sticks won't help a bit. Keep calm and stay free! :)

  • Like 1
Susana Newbie

Susana

Posted
Posted

Holy Molly that was a film and a half!

 

A suspense film... 

 

With a happy ending indeed!!!!

 

It must have felt absolutely horrendous! I´m so sorry you found yourself in such difficult situation. But you were strong and intelligent and came out of a rough patch clever and clean.

 

Have a nice glass of wine, a hug, and don´t look back. It is all good and you´ll have a fantastic holiday and will buy lots of strange American trinkets, and Christmas presents for the family back home, and everybody will be happy and laugh. :)

 

((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Tracey))))))))))))))))))))))))))

  • Like 1
Still winning Newbie

Still winning

Posted
Posted

Awww so sorry you had to go through all those horrible feelings, alcohol is evil if it takes you the wrong way and is the cause of a lot of peoples dangerous thoughts. Pleased you made the better choice lady, the title worried me for a second.  Big up to Rez for trying to hunt down his drunken ranting woman too lol. Love to both. x

  • Like 1
sharonsiff Newbie

sharonsiff

Posted
Posted

Thank goodness you got yer head out of your backside and didn't smoke eh Tracey?

 

Just goes to show doesn't it?

 

Amen to digging deep xx

  • Like 1
sherry Newbie

sherry

Posted
Posted

Tracey, oh  sweetie,

 

what can I say, except, sooooo happy you didn't give in... happy Rez was looking after to you... glad  you're still here to share a successful (but personal) part of your  journey ....this "demon" is  horrid .. glad you fought "him" off and you're still  with us {{Tracey}} lov ya hun! sooooo proud of you!!xx

  • Like 1
NayNay Newbie

NayNay

Posted
Posted

Tracey, gotta admit you had me a bit frightened there.  So glad that you allowed the voice of reason to interfere with how you were feeling at that moment.  Nice to know that you did that even in a drunken state!!!  Kudos my dear, kudos.

 

I have not gone so far as to buy a pack of cigarettes, but there has been a few times that I thought "you can't do this...".  But, then that voice of reason pops up and says "yes you can!  You have been doing it everyday for almost three months now.  You can get through this crave and all will be fine."  It is kind of scary though when that feeling of doom and defeat hit you.  But, learning to just not give in to it becomes a positive, re-enforcing feeling that leaves you with a sunshiny glow.  And, a plus, you don't smell like an old ashtray!

 

Keep going Tracey. You did great.  Just shows you can beat this.

  • Like 1
El Bandito Apprentice

El Bandito

Posted
Posted

Big T....?

 

Always Vigilant...Remember Markus.

 

Well done. The Junkie will seize on every opportunity to make a case...but you are absolutely right...it only works if you join in - which you nearly did.

 

BUT you didn't.

 

Rez...well - you knew she was a nutter didn't you?

 

Well played my man. Well played.

  • Like 1
SueBeDoo Newbie

SueBeDoo

Posted
Posted

Ah shit T that was a close call, Phewwww, well done on choosing number two. It was another first ticked off the list, first birthday as a non smoker so that's the end of it for bday craves. Great ending, good man Rez for body guarding ;)

  • Like 1
sharonsiff Newbie

sharonsiff

Posted
Posted

broken and flushed down the loo today :)

Best place for them eh Tracey...can join the rest of the crap down there.

 

You know, had a moment or two like that myself in the first 6 months mate. I could have well done without it of course, but after the event, it really empowered me tbh- really truly showed me that actual, deep down I don't actually want to smoke. Helped if that makes any tipsy turvey sense?

 

Sort of sealed the deal.

  • Like 2
Tink Newbie

Tink

Posted
  • Author
Posted

I am being proactive to eliminate the cause

 

today i am sending in applications to volunteer at an animal shelter and the metro parks :)

 

tend to the cause not give into the addiction is my thinking :)

  • Like 5
REZ Newbie

REZ

Posted
Posted

I can not tell you the relief i felt to see her back safe and sound in the hotel room!

 

The fact that Tracey held true to her quit only shows us and her how strong she really is! 

  • Like 3
Doreensfree Grand Master

Doreensfree

Posted
Posted

Oh eh rez.....

Another smutty boy.....

Only kidding.....well done you.......

So glad all worked out well.....

Keep her safe.....she's special....

Hugs xx

  • Like 1
action Newbie

action

Posted
Posted

I am being proactive to eliminate the cause

 

today i am sending in applications to volunteer at an animal shelter and the metro parks :)

 

tend to the cause not give into the addiction is my thinking :)

 

REZ does know that you are going to bring all the animals back to his house, right?!

 

Seriously, Tracey!!  I was worried there for a minute, but then I remembered how strong you are!  You are a non-smoker, and I know that REZ will look out for you, too.  Great job resisting, even if it was a bit of a close call.

Tink Newbie

Tink

Posted
  • Author
Posted

REZ does know that you are going to bring all the animals back to his house, right?!

 

Seriously, Tracey!!  I was worried there for a minute, but then I remembered how strong you are!  You are a non-smoker, and I know that REZ will look out for you, too.  Great job resisting, even if it was a bit of a close call.

too bloody close ross I am so angry with myself right now but I know its junkie thinking and I know what I have to do and rez knows me well enough to know he cannot save me its something I have to do myself I never want to get that close again I am my own worse enemy but im also my best solution

 

when I quit my new freedom gave me confidence in going for a career in conservation im not academic but I dont mind getting my hands dirty and working up a sweat so am going to volunteer even if its ditch clearing I dont care this will get my mind back on track also some tough love wont hurt :)

  • Like 1
Tink Newbie

Tink

Posted
  • Author
Posted

Oh eh rez.....

Another smutty boy.....

Only kidding.....well done you.......

So glad all worked out well.....

Keep her safe.....she's special....

Hugs xx

oh my lmao

 

doreen I passed out as soon as head hit the pillow crazy scottish canadians finished me off with sambucca shots

 

no smuttiness not that I remember anyways lol

  • Like 2
action Newbie

action

Posted
Posted

too bloody close ross I am so angry with myself right now but I know its junkie thinking and I know what I have to do and rez knows me well enough to know he cannot save me its something I have to do myself I never want to get that close again I am my own worse enemy but im also my best solution

 

when I quit my new freedom gave me confidence in going for a career in conservation im not academic but I dont mind getting my hands dirty and working up a sweat so am going to volunteer even if its ditch clearing I dont care this will get my mind back on track also some tough love wont hurt :)

 

OK, tough love...

 

This is what happens if you smoke!

 

skull-smoking.jpg

  • Like 2

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