Hi Doreen, you around?" Seriously thinking of getting cigarettes. Really depressed.

[Kate18]

Doreen, or my other dear Quitrain, QSMB folks

 

Really depressed. Bipolar II. Had ketamine yesterday. Have put in a call to my psychiatrist, asking to go back on meds. CAlled out sick from work.

 

Tried keto which is supposed to be super helpful for bipolar disorder. Listening to a podcast 22 of David Smith (never heard of him). He has bipolar. He just mentioned that nictotine/smoking is helpful for bipolar overwhelm. Yes, I'm in overwhelm. I'll look more into that.

 

Quite desperate for getting out of this mood. I remember how I resorted to smoking when I was feeling so depressed. 

 

Anyone around?

Not in my right mind. I know that rationally, but I am weeping and feeling desperate. Thinking that smoking would snap me out of this. Desperate.

[jillar]

@Kate18, you know in your rational mind that smoking won't work that's why you posted. Can you try using one of your tools you used when you first quit to help you past the craves?

[Kate18]

Thanks, Jillar. I just got off the phone with my wonderful daughter. 

 

You're right about the tools to quit when it finally worked. I quit because of Covid. I was pretty sure that if I were a smoker and got Covid, it'd die of lung congestion.  That was during the pre-USA presence of Covid, but I was sure it was coming to our shores. 

 

My daughter pointed out that when I don't get enough sleep, I get weak-willed and feel hopeless. She's right.  I'm so sleep deprived. It's a consequence of bipolar gene mutations related to the circadian rhythm. The Sleep Clinic was next to useless. All the advice I already had online from sleep researchers. I do them all.

 

I've tried addressing bipolar depression/anxiety/insomnia with a ketogenic diet and strict carb restriction, but it also brings intense carb cravings AND insomnia. Sleep deprivation erodes the will power to resist carbs. And carbs bring back depression. I'm so tired of this.

 

My daughter suggested I just drug myself right now, at 10 in the morning, and get some sleep so that I don't cave to either the craving for cigarettes or alcohol. Good advice. 

 

Thanks for responding, Jillar. I really appreciate it.   I'm going to take my sleep med and go back to sleep.

 

Have a good week.

[jillar]

Glad your daughter was there for you @Kate18, have a nice sleep and I hope you feel better once you're refreshed. Good job posting and saving your awesome quit!  

[RhinoDragon]

All you've got to think Kate is once you've had 1 the feeling will come back again, and again, and again and it will ... Unless YOU Stop it.

Then it Will slowly go away till eventually you won't get any feelings again. 

just try get to day 9 then 10 before you know it'll be day 30. Trust me.

The only way to do that is to not have one hence our NOPE - I know it's hard but you only have to do it once. 

Your at a brilliant amount of days not smoking - Also a critical point, another week or two tops you'll not get a crave, and if you did it would be a very mild thought only. 

Keep strong

Rhino - nice to meet you btw 

[Doreensfree]

Sorry i am late kate ..

Glad jillar was here to help you through this desperate time ..

You daughter sounds like she is a 

Good support when you need it .

Pmease dont lose your wonderful quit ..you have worked so hard to come this far .

Are you still a part of the group you found ..if so please reach out  ...

After your slerp i hope you are feeling better 

Please lean on us if you need support ..

Wishing you better times ahead 

Sweetie ..XX

[Kate18]

Thanks, Doreen. You were a part of QSMB, were you not?  That's were I started. Most of the key folks are here, now.

 

I took the sleep meds right after @Jillar replied, about the time my daughter and I rung off. Seriously, getting enough sleep is that important. Don't know if I had enough respect for it before. 

 

Why in the world would the person interviewed say that cigarettes helped with sleep? Or maybe he said bipolar depression. I'm half zonked at this point. ready to go to sleep.

 

I'm going to re-listen to the podcast. If the person who mentioned cigarettes and a positive benefit from smoking said what I think he said, I'll post a comment about the unintended consequences his remark could have on someone like me, who has quit a terrible addiction and may be susceptible to a stupid - albeit scientifically accurate - suggestion.  Because his remarks reawakened a desire to smoke. I'm that desperate for sleep. I spaced out and fell at work 2 days ago.  Yesterday, I had difficulty staying in my lane while driving. This morning, I couldn't even go to work.  I'd do anything to get sleep, even smoke.

Edited July 2, 2023 by Kate18

[Kate18]

38 minutes ago, RhinoDragon said:

All you've got to think Kate is once you've had 1 the feeling will come back again, and again, and again and it will ... Unless YOU Stop it.

Then it Will slowly go away till eventually you won't get any feelings again. 

just try get to day 9 then 10 before you know it'll be day 30. Trust me.

The only way to do that is to not have one hence our NOPE - I know it's hard but you only have to do it once. 

Your at a brilliant amount of days not smoking - Also a critical point, another week or two tops you'll not get a crave, and if you did it would be a very mild thought only. 

Keep strong

Rhino - nice to meet you btw 

Thanks, @RhinoDragon. I'm 3+ years into a quit and this is by far the worst temptation point. It isn't the smoking cravings, it's the craving for sleep. And relief of bipolar depression.  I have a text to my psychiatrist in place, to which she will respond tomorrow, likely. Some well-intending podcaster suggested that nicotine helps with this.  Going to drug myself to sleep to get past this. Thanks for your kind reply. I appreciate it.

[Doreensfree]

Kate ..

Sleep can only be a  good thing .

Listen to your body ..

Smoking ..is good for nothing ..

Keeping your quit is the one thing 

,you know is right ..

Yes i was also on the QSMB .

Hang in there XX

[jillar]

@Kate18, as we know someone will make all kinds of excuses to keep using nicotine. We've all been there. You were smart to come here and post instead of believing that podcaster. Now go get some rest!

[MarylandQuitter]

Hi Kate18,

 

As others have said, smoking will surely make things worse, definitely with what you're currently going through. Remember, this moment is only temporary and even though we're spread out all over the place, you're never truly alone.  

[RhinoDragon]

Ahhh sorry Kate

Like Maryland said though.... 'Temporary'

Nicotine & smoking don't have any benefit at all.

You've done excellent!!! Don't lose it know I know it's very tough (understatement)

I once read somewhere feelings and thoughts will always come, so let it come don't try fight it, sit it out. 

I'd just wait to here from the psychiatrist in the morning. Your going to be fine 

I'd try anything Kate if it means not smoking whether chocolate, crisps , a bath, a film, anything.

won't be long till the morning.

Remember your the boss!!!

[DenaliBlues]

Hoping that you are benefiting from some well-deserved ZZZs, Kate. Sleep deprivation absolutely messes with our emotional and physical equilibrium as well as our judgement. Do what's needed to get a couple of nights under your belt. I, too, suffer from insomnia. I haven't found any magic solutions, but avoiding sugar and caffeine after 1 pm, 1/2 a unisom an hour before bed, practicing good sleep hygiene (especially around screen time), and audiobooks (both to drown out tinnitus and soothe/distract me while awake) keep me out of the red zone most of the time. Definitely talk to your doctor.

 

You know in your heart that smoking would NOT help you sleep, would harm your mental and emotional wellbeing, and would trigger its own shame and despair cycle. You've shut the door on all that, for good reason. Keep it shut, dear. COVID may have been your final tipping point, but there are probably 100 additional reasons that you've STAYED quit. If those reasons start to get hazy when you're coping with a bipolar swing, right them down on paper in big, bold, print, and read them aloud. I've resorted to that a few times.   

 

Please take good care and keep us posted on how you're doing. You have a team of supporters here on the Train who have faith in you and are here to support you, just like you've supported so many of us. Sending you love and fortitude.

[overcome]

@Kate18 this too shall pass, be strong and do what ever you have to not to smoke, you are doing great and we all support you! 

 

[Kate18]

Went to sleep. Slept about 5 hours. Drank a litre of water with electrolytes. Taking another dose of the prescription med and back to sleep, if I can.

Realized I felt warm. Temp is almost 2 degrees above my normal (I run cool, about 97.5).  Checked my email, and there is a notice that someone at work just reported they have Covid. 

Perhaps part of this is not feeling well due to a virus, whether Covid or not.

 

Thanks one and all. I live quietly, with only my son and daughter for society. I am grateful for The 'Train to turn to about smoking challenges. It means a lot.

 

Have a good week, one and all.

[overcome]

@Kate18 how are you doing my friend?

[Kate18]

On 7/8/2023 at 6:03 PM, overcome said:

@Kate18 how are you doing my friend?

Thank you, all is well now. I was in a bipolar downward drifting phase. I'm back out of it with the use of strategies I've learned through the past few years.

Thank you for asking, and have a super weekend!

 

Also, I returned to my whole plant food based diet (with the addition of eggs). It's how I ate before Covid. I only slid away from it after four months of the stress of going to work before the vaccine came out. This past Winter, I attempted keto because it is supposed to lead to mitochondrial repair and an improvement - real healing, apparently - for bipolar.

 

Anyway, over the course of the past week, my daily resting heart rate went down 5 points, the % of time my heart rate goes below resting heart rate at night went from 0% to 90%. I'm above 5.5 hrs of sleep/night, now, almost 6. Still not enough, but it's the right trend.

 

Off to the gym.  Then the park with my dog. Sofia likes to wander a while, then throw herself on her back in a patch of clover. She spends 10-15 minutes, like that, just watching people and other dogs pass by on the sidewalk 10 feet away.  Have a great weekend!

Edited July 14, 2023 by Kate18
Sofia's pic

[DenaliBlues]

Glad to hear that you are climbing back and feeling better @Kate18. Sofia is adorable… a good model for us all!

[Doreensfree]

Good to hear from you Kate .

Its good to hear you are in a better place ..wishing you well my friend 

Your little doggy is so cute ..she must give you alot of love snd pleasure xx

[RhinoDragon]

Progress is Success Kate