I need to say something.

[...]

I left the house this morning knowing I'm going to smoke. Not a determined feeling, not sad or anything. No emotion to it at all. Just a matter of fact kind of knowing. I knew I would quit again tomorrow. I went to the store, bought the cigarettes and gave the woman 2 five dollar bills. One of them was folded. And as she is unfolding it, the cigarettes are already on the counter right in front of me. And the whole time I'm thinking......"do I really want to do this?" I ended up asking to have my money back and told the woman that I haven't smoked for almost 2 months. And she says "You don't need these, go think about this" and I walked out.

 

I don't even know why I did this. I like not smoking. I can honestly say I feel so much better. I guess it's just the finality. Like I KNOW I'm not going to ever be able to do just one. The thing is I didn't want just one. I was going to smoke the whole pack just for today and then quit again tomorrow.

 

I'm still smoke free but not really feeling it. I feel like I screwed up big time. I can't wait until the day this is all behind me and I can go a length of time without even thinking about this. It's weird. I cant wait until this is all over and yet I'm having a hard time dealing with the foreverness of my quit.

 

How can I be so determined in my quit this weekend and then so ready to throw it all away for no reason at all the next day ? I don't get it.

[Paul723]

That is the nature of addiction (I sorry you don't like that term - use our disease if you like that better, lizard brain or nicodemon). We have to put it to sleep by not feeding it. The part of grief over quitting cigarettes you haven't reached yet is acceptance, you are really close, I promise. In two months, go give the store clerk two fives and thank her.

[Nancy]

Tiff, I just don't know what to say...except that I am so glad you did not smoke!  Try not to think about the foreverness, go back to one day at a time, and you will build your forever quit.   Think about what the first days and weeks are like, I know you do not want to go through that again.  Try to figure out why smoking a pack today seemed like the thing to do...

[JackiMac]

Hi Tiff the level of hold that nicotine has over us is amazing, you will go through periods of thinking about smoking, testing yourself which is what I think you were doing today, I do this often, I see how far I can push myself, as time goes on this level of hold does ease, I couldn't sleep last night because I craved a cigarette that much, this hasn't happened for quite a while but it still happens, its still the junkie in me just reminding me "hey still here!!"  you will go through periods of complete and utter acceptance, but the most important thing is that you recognised that you didn't want to smoke and you pushed the nicotine away, which is fantastic, stop being hard on yourself  be proud of yourself Tiff tell yourself that what you are doing is great, tell yourself you are proud of you, it helps, if someone congratulates you recognise it and say "yes I am doing great" because Tiff you really are doing fantastic remember that each day is a new day and another day of being smoke free xxx

[sgt.barney]

I left the house this morning *knowing* I'm going to smoke. ...

I *knew* I would quit again tomorrow.

Shows how much you "know" - you don't know Jack.

 

Quit being a dammed know-it-all and listen to the rest of us.

 

It goes away.

 

Ignore it and it goes away.

 

 

 

 

 

Easy Peasy.

[...]

Tiff, I just don't know what to say...except that I am so glad you did not smoke!  Try not to think about the foreverness, go back to one day at a time, and you will build your forever quit.   Think about what the first days and weeks are like, I know you do not want to go through that again.  Try to figure out why smoking a pack today seemed like the thing to do...

I did think about the first few weeks. That was a driving force. I am going to go back to "only today" thinking. I think the thing is that I have always thought I could not do this. I remember a while back I would do something and think to myself that I had to smoke and I would give in. This time I'm not. And for whatever reason, I'm starting to think "see, you can do it. You just proved you can so now you can control it" I am FULLY aware this is not true, but its still how I'm thinking.

 

I did let myself down today. But I'm kinda glad it happened. The more I'm thinking about this, the more I'm realizing I don't have any control over this at all. And that's not a bad thing.

 

The funny thing is last week sometime, I was telling my son how much sometimes I still miss it and he put a smokers lung picture as my wall paper on my phone. I see it everytime I look at my phone. Today, I needed that picture. I love him so much. He's an amazing little guy.

[El Bandito]

Hey Tiff...

 

Call me a fat skirted burrito, but you just kicked ass. Well done!

 

NOPE...just for today.

 

The last three words are important. Quitting forever scares the bejesus out of some people. I know it did me.

 

Not smoking for a day? That I could do. Forever? Yikes....

 

When I got that feeling you had today, I just made a deal to stay quit for the day...

 

The Sarge is right. The feeling passes.

 

You were incredible today. You looked relapse right in the eye and said NOPE.

 

You got this Tiff.

[John_Doe]

Yeah. It doesn't matter if it was close or not so much. You stayed smoke-free and you won. It will make you stronger.

[Amy]

Hi Tiffany,

 

You did good.  I am happy you made it through and left without the cigarettes that is huge in itself  :)

[Paul723]

Glad you're reading Amy.

[jimmy]

dear tiffany that's how you do this 1 day at a time don't look to  tommrow yet  slow and steady wins the race  you can do this you didn't mess up because  you didn't take the smokes you walked away  so you did just fine  keep mon the strait  path to nope  I know I sound like a broken reacord  but keep it playing over and over   your winning   this fight  :D :D :D    

[Doreensfree]

Wow tiff ,you tested yourself.....and won yaaa nooo.

Another battle fought and won.....

[babs609]

I have only 6 words for you

 

YOU STILL BELIEVE IN THE CIGARETTE

 

How do I know this?  Because of this------>" 

I guess it's just the finality. Like I KNOW I'm not going to ever be able to do just one."

 

 

 

If you didn't believe in the cigarette...you would have never wrote this.  Would you be concerned with this finality if we were talking about you putting your mouth over the exhaust of your car??  Of course not..that would be ridiculous.  Well..that is the mind set you need to have about this.  If you don't...you will always be in danger of relapse. 

[action]

Glad you didn't smoke!

 

You know the only way you are going to get where you want to be is by not smoking! That is the ONLY way to beat this thing.

 

Well done you for making the right choice today.

[Jenny]

Shows how much you "know" - you don't know Jack.

 

Quit being a dammed know-it-all and listen to the rest of us.

 

It goes away.

 

Ignore it and it goes away.

 

 

 

 

 

Easy Peasy.

What he said. :) So glad you passed on the smokes. 

[Gemzee]

I don't think you let yourself down...the opposite! You didn't smoke - that's fantastic! Keep doing that.

[SanDar]

So glad you hung on to your quit today!

[queen greenlover]

A victory is a victory-you could of grab those smokes & ran outside and smoked your brains out BUT.................. YOU CHOSE NOT TO. Thats a great way to build a solid foundation to NOT be a smoker anymore. Build on this. Each day cig free gets you closer to being "totally" (mind,desire,old habit etc) free. :D 

[babs609]

A victory is a victory-you could of grab those smokes & ran outside and smoked your brains out BUT.................. YOU CHOSE NOT TO. Thats a great way to build a solid foundation to NOT be a smoker anymore. Build on this. Each day cig free gets you closer to being "totally" (mind,desire,old habit etc) free. :D 

 

well said beth!

[sherry]

Aww hun stop beat'n yourself up, the others are right - the important thing here is you DID NOT SMOKE!!! 

 

full stop!!

 

you did not smoke!!! thats freak'n awesome!! be proud!! you kicked nicodemon butt!!

 

just take from this scary "OMG I almost threw away my quit " yesterday as a reinforcement that we must ALWAYS be vigilant...our addiction is not only powerful, but sneaky.... 

 

as long as you don't give in, your golden..a little worse for wear-granted, but your quit is still intact, maybe ... IF there is a next time, you post here first, ..? ...maybe you don't let the nicodemon tempt  you that far... 

 

SOOOOOOOOOOO proud of you hun!!! be proud of yourself!! {{{BIG HUGS}}}

[bakon]

very dangerous, but you know that