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[jillar]

@Brioski, I smoked weed up until my respiratory failure and never had a problem craving cigarettes. I use edibles now which I like much more than smoking it.

As far as your BAC goes, I used my JAC as needed and just stopped using it as my quit grew. Still every once in a blue moon pull it out (its invisible so its always handy). But that's rare.

Glad you're starting to have good days

[Brioski]

Oh thank you thank you jillar  
my BAC..I giggled lol

such a kind soul jillar thanks again

[Brioski]

Boy oh boy is this tough.  Crying, sobbing.  It’s like a rollercoaster going up and down with emotions.  Had some shortness of breath again today when it had gotten better days ago.  Had a panic attack earlier.  Three or four cry sessions.  I miss it. And I don’t. I just want things to be better. 

[jillar]

It's definitely a Rollercoaster, one we've all had to ride. I bumped a post for you that may hopefully help

[darcy]

Hey Brioski,

 

Heck yes, use the JAC (Jillar's air cigarette) it actually heals your body with air, clean fresh unpolluted air.

Glad the crave passed and you're still seated.

The screw it all feelings are tough.

...and staying here posting, reading and repeating are a fabulous way to get to the other side remaining free.

You quit because you dont want to smoke.

Addiction is a liar, hypocrite and thief.

Stay free.

Write Johnny's taglines down on a few sticky notes and put them where you will read them should you be on the road to get cigarettes....wrap your credt card in one, post one on your dashboard, etc.

 

[Brioski]

I’m so sorry to keep going back and forth - seemingly ok, positive outlook, motivated, and other times feeling down, crying, anxiety ridden.

I had another day of some shortness of breath, lower oxygen, which in turn I think caused me to have 2 anxiety attacks. For the first time ever I kind of understand why some ppl like self harm….I will never do this and I’ve never done this, but in my mind, I feel/felt so so discouraged that I was like wow, I maybe understand why ppl go to that sort of thing.  My hubs is so so supportive literally all the time and today he hesitantly said idk, what if u go back and just try to taper down, I know that’s not the right answer but, etc. and I agreed, i know that’s not the right answer. But wtf. How long do I endure this shit?  I feel so sad. Maybe I’m depressed too idk. I have an appt with a psychologist for the first time ever. Maybe I need to work through some shit. 

[jillar]

@Brioski first don't ever feel sorry for how you are doing. We get it. Try to realize that you're not even a month quit yet. Your body is still adjusting and cleaning up all those chemicals it had been ingesting for all those years. Unfortunately its not a quick process because of that. And it's not just the nicotine our body's are working to clean, its literally 1000's of chemicals that were in those cigarettes!

We have a one year commitment pinned to the top of the main forum that I and many others take because that's how long you can expect it to take to get past most the triggers any given year brings. 

Keep in mind that as you progress in your quit it will get easier, I promise! So slap your husband for mentioning going back to smoking and use this as a reminder of why you DON'T want to relapse

[overcome]

Sorry @Brioski hope things turn around for you!

What is causing the shortness of breath?

 

 

Edited March 18, 2023 by overcome

[DenaliBlues]

So sorry that the roller coaster has got you down today. I hope your breathing eases soon. As I was quitting, my emotions were very raw. Negative feelings I was used to suppressing with smoking went haywire for a while. But things evened out. Stick with your quit, definitely get support, be kind to yourself, and keep the faith!

 

[Brioski]

Thank you friends   I just got home from the ER bc I literally couldn’t breathe before, my oxygen was 87, 88, 85, 90, etc. so I rushed over. Long story short they said it was asthma exasperated by anxiety. The gave me oxygen but it actually made the levels go down….once I took the o2 off my oxygen numbers went up. I know, weird weird weird. I tried getting an explanation outa them but they said to see a pulmonologist, they couldn’t tell me any reasoning (I wanted to say great then don’t send me a bill).  I’m scared this pulmonary dr will tell me I have copd or emphysema.  I’m 38. Blegh. Shitty night.   Yesterday I went w my best friend to her chemo (she’s 32 and has stage four gastric cancer….literally the healthiest person you’d ever meet, diagnosed in November, her dad just passed in oct, the had misdiagnosed it as herd….crazy), anyway and spending the whole day w her was great, no shortness of breath, no anxiety. And now today the day after, mad anxiety. 

[Brioski]

What a surprise….crying again. I really just want things and life to go back to normal.  I’m living in this depressed state of moving from the bed to the couch to the bed, for about three weeks now. Yes I go for the occasional walk w the pup but even so.
I had some craves/triggers so I was reading people’s previous SOSs and one was dated around when my dad passed, December 2021 and just kept thinking abt how much he was struggling, from smoking.  It was torture to see him like that. And I still want to smoke…still after seeing him like that. Wtf. He even said a few months before…”I think it’s too late for me, but maybe you can stop”.  I hope he’s not in pain or struggling anymore.  I miss my daddy and love him so very much. I don’t want to feel like that either. Hell I’ve even felt like I can’t breathe recently and the smoke filled thoughts still come. Am I a wimp, not strong enough to just get up off my ass and continue life? Thanks for listening. 

[jillar]

@Brioski, im hoping today is a little better for you. Please keep reminding yourself that what you're going through is completely normal this early in your quit. Some people cry a lot and some people get irritated much easier and then there's the lucky ones who have loads of extra energy and carry on their life like they never smoked. 

I just kept telling myself over and over that this too shall pass and all good?(?!) things must come to an end.

 I'm so sorry about your dad.  I lost my dad and my uncle (his brother) from smoking related cancers and still continued to smoke until my breathing was so bad I HAD to quit. You don't want to get to that point trust me....

 

[Doreensfree]

Aww B...

Sorry your dealing with these feelings ...and sorry to learn about your Lovely Dad ..he would be so proud of you ..because you are doing whst evey smoker on the planet deep down would love ..

To be free ..I lost my Hubby to Emphysema..it was hard to watch ..

We promise it will get better ,you will reach your Freedom ..

Keep coming here and posting ..we will help you through it ..xx

 

[darcy]

Nic free in 2023

Nic free permanently in 2023

Permanently nic free 2023

2023 nicotine free

Free in 2023

 

This is us...

If you've got the resources go with whatever sings to your heart. I'm onboard with you and Molly. NICE SEATS, EH?

great view, marvelous company, and glorious glorious waking and sleeping without setting fire to things in our mouths.   

I've been having a rough go the last week.

[Brioski]

Those all sound great, @darcy 
 

I’m sorry you’re having a rough go, so am I.  Hubs came home to me sobbing, like gutted sobbing, at the sink doing dishes. I said I seriously want to go buy a pack. Had keys in hand, crying. I feel like I’ve never felt before….depressed, unmotivated, sad, anxious, lazy, mad…like rage…like wanted to shove my metal fruit basket out of the window and break the kitchen window.  I took a bottle of water and my anxiety med and went from just sat there staring out blankly for a while, to literally having a war within my head of going out to buy a pack to relieve this scary place I’m in or to suffer, literally feel like torture suffering until…who knows when bc it’s different for everybody.  Then I smoked some weed. Then used my straw air cigarette.  That helped I think. And now I’m typing to you guys. Hubs is making brats on the grill.  I feel bad I’m such a wacko to him but he says it’s ok.  Am I ok I don’t know.

[jillar]

You bet your OK @Brioski, you're swatting those craves down one by one and showing who's the boss of your body! Keep doing it and PLEASE believe ALL of us who've been where you are that it WILL get better, we PROMISE.... Enjoy your brats.

Btw, have you considered making a rage room or maybe going to one if there's one by you? Great way to get some frustration out from what I hear  

[Christian99]

I felt a lot like you at 4 weeks, Brioski--it's crucial, I think, to know that this misery is NOT a referendum on the strength and quality of your quit.  I know that doesn't make the experience of it any easier, but it can be tempting to infer that you're doing something wrong or that your quit is somehow just a relapse waiting to happen.  That is not the case.  

 

At some point in my first year, when things seemed like they were never going to get any better, I came to the realization that I would stay quit even if things never got any better.  And of course they didn't (and ultimately got better than I could ever imagine); in fact, I think that was the beginning of a kind of peace and acceptance for me.  I wish I had an easy recommendation to get you to that place, but I don't.  But I hope you'll hold onto my promise that things WILL get better, in a way and at a time that works for you.  I sometimes tell people that quitting was far more difficult than I thought it would be (and I went in with pretty realistic expecations) but/and far more transformative.  Given the latter, I'd sign up in a second for double the misery (and it was pretty miserable for me) for the freedom and peace on the other side. 

 

We're all pulling for you, friend--stay close. 

 

Christian99

21+ Years Quit  

[Brioski]

Thank you, thank you…. Hearing your responses (lol hearing…reading your responses) really helps.  It’s one of the very few things that helps me is knowing some of you guys went through this same shit.
 

Jillar I’ve thought of getting some old plates and throwing them at the rocks behind my house, I have a lot of acres so it wouldn’t matter but I would worry abt the animals/wildlife stepping on them so I’ll look for a place like that to go to. Great idea. I also called a few ppl to get started w a therapist. And plan to talk to my dr abt this weird depressed state, I don’t want to go on more meds but if that’s what I need so be it.  Your words mean so much Jillar thank you.  The brats were salty lol. 
 

Christian those words were powerful. I sense a lot of similarities btwn our quits although it sounds like many many ppl go through this too. I think that’s it, I just have to literally force myself to do things that were once nothing day to day tasks that now seem utterly impossible, even painful, and accept that my mind is gonna wreck havoc on my mental and emotional state due to this addiction while going through the motions of life.  It’s just scary as you mentioned that it seems like it’ll never go away. I trust you, and the others, that it will one day. I pray for that day to come.  By the way, thanks for telling me all of that.
 

I have to admit something bad too….when hubs came home and I was a mess, a puddle, almost throwing and punching stuff…he said “why don’t you post on your train? Have you written to the people on the train and see what they say?”…and I said “**** that train!!” And for that I’m sorry.  

[overcome]

You got this @Brioski .... it gets better, I focus on not letting the crave have any room in my head. I get a thought smoke...NOPE and move on as best I can, usually grab a mint (must be like an jillar air cig for me). Hang in there, you are doing great! 

 

It would be better if you stayed away from Chicks and Sticks, that game can cause some serious stress. 

Edited March 23, 2023 by overcome

[darcy]

Hey Brioski,

Some opportunities are just like that...rageful and messy and wet and icky...and you're still an exsmoker.

YAY YOU.

Really glad your husband is supportive. Mine is too and just rolls with whatever roller-coaster portion I'm on...

It is okay to be numb and feel too much and have every little effing thing be super hard....it is okay to do absolutely nothing except protect your quit. If you have theeans to that, do that!!!

You chose to quit because being free from the stench, time and money leech, endless searching and strategizing about where and when, mindless death one breath at time is NOT living the life you desire. Yay YOU.

I do strongly recommend endless searching and scrolling for things that make you laugh or smile and of course reading here, rereading and playing games....all of which you know.

I  have taken an entire day and night to sleep... otc medicine for flu helped knock me out....used as a reaet. Not okay for everyday but when completely off my rocker, it can be the kindest option.

Best of all....the crappy feelings change.

We simply cannot sustain long term hysteria...our bodies shut down, crash after awhile....then something different rolls along...eventually the good feelings roll in too.

Nic free in 2023....please remain seated ...

Keep your arms and legs inside the ride at all times and do not exit the train.

Hang loose...and next time youre losing it laugh or shread paper by hand...it doesn't hurt the animals if it gets tossed about.

It is okay to BE LIGHT of heart & spirit.

[Doreensfree]

Ooo!!! Yes

I had me a punching pillow..

Put a face on it ..Someone who i thought was mean to me ...

Well..i punched that pillow all over the place..

Great way of getting rid of anger ..

It worked for me ...

Rocks and dishes...Love it .

[Brioski]

What a friggin trip this ex smoker thing is. I’m literally ready to throw a bowl out the window last week, and this week like semi okay, laughing and happy more (but in like that angry, I-don’t-want-to-laugh-because-I’m-angry way), finding more shit to do without smoking, and really enjoying taking deep deep breaths.  But I still get the urge sometimes to smoke - total romancing - and I know it because then I talk to myself about how I couldn’t breath, the debilitating anxiety, etc and it goes away. And I never want ‘just one’ like people say. I want the whole damn pack, hell, a carton for the week.  Yet here I am, stupid smoke free…..I know I know it’s stupid to say that lol, but just how I feel sometimes.  I do think my dad in heaven is proud of me and I know my moms, hubs, and aunt are very proud too. I’m proud of me too. It just sucks right now!  I went to my first ever therapy appt today, which was good, and I’m also going to a reflexology and reiki specialist next week (I know call me crazy).  Just trying to do everything I can to help myself.  Oh, I also hired a house cleaner (hey they’re not ok bad expense wise I thought it was worse) just to help me out for the next month.  
 

Anyway, how’s everybody? Is it warmer by you guys? Here in Jersey it’s up and down but I notice the flowers poking through. 

[jillar]

Great update @Brioski, I'm glad this week is better for you and I LOVE that you're able to take nice deep breaths

Hopefully this is the beginning of everyday being a good one but you're still early in your quit so don't be surprised if you get some bad days still. There's a lot of triggers to get past still but you've got the tools and support to do it

As far as weather goes we're having a rainy day! Yay!!! Probably our last one of the season and clearing tomorrow with lots of sunshine to come

 

[Christian99]

Way to go, Brioski!  Just keep soldiering on and cherishing those moments of insight, beauty, and peace--over time, they'll become even more frequent!  I love the additional things you're doing for yourself:  you certainly deserve them, and they can assist in the development of the new, smokefree you.  

 

Up in Syracuse, NY, we're having a nice day, but things are scheduled to get a little snowy and slushy this evening.  Where, in general, are you in Jersey?  I grew up in Central NJ and then lived in Westfield for a few years in my 20's as well.  

 

Cheers, friend, and keep up the awesome work--

 

Christian99

 

Edited March 29, 2023 by Christian99

[Doreensfree]

Great update ...

Of course you will have thoughts .

Its what action you take that matters .

Of course your family are proud .

We are too...

One day at a time