Just Another Trash Truck

[DenaliBlues]

Today I feel frustrated again with my longing to smoke. I’ve made it nearly 11 months without nicotine – and the freedom is sweet. But I’ve hit a lot of triggers recently. Grief is a big one, there was another death in my family last week. Work is frustrating. Expensive and aggravating things keep going wrong with the house. While on vacation, I’m finding it hard to uncouple relaxing from smoking.

 

My quit is intact. I’m proud of that, and determined to stay away from nicotine. But I still feel bedeviled by the desire for a cigarette. I find myself romancing the smoke… longing for the “ahhh” feeling that I imagine it would give me. Red flag.

 

Time to remind myself that the gratification fantasy is a big lie. Smoking wouldn’t fix anything that’s broken, nor bring back anybody who I am mourning. It would just give me a headache, ratchet up my blood pressure, and roil up my stomach acid. That “ahhh” feeling is the biggest lie of all. After smoking as heavily as I did for as long as I did, I had screwed up most of the dopamine transporters in my brain. Smoking was making me feel worse, not better. There was no such thing as “enough” smoking for me. Just an endless pursuit of gratification ghosts that would always elude my grasp. Futile. Demoralizing. The only thing nicotine ever did for me was make me want more nicotine. It is NOT my friend.

 

Yet even as I write this, I want a smoke. How stupid is that?! Addiction is so crazy.

 

I need to think of these desires as dumb commercials trying to sell me junk I don’t want - tune them out. The urge to smoke is just a smelly trash truck rumbling by. Let it pass. Don’t give it the power of my attention.

 

Time to go read "How to Prevent a Relapse" for the 100th time. If anyone wants to share other thoughts about how to stop romancing the smoke, I’m all ears - it helps to hear how other people think about this.

 

Thanks to everyone for being here. Without the Quit Train I’d be much more vulnerable to the traps my addiction sets for me. I’m grateful to my fellow quitters, newbies and veterans alike. You all make my quit much stronger.

Edited January 2, 2023 by DenaliBlues

[jillar]

 @DenaliBlues, sorry about your family member's death, you've been hit hard thus year for sure. And I'm sorry you're struggling with your quit. 

The holidays this first year quit are always going to bring craves to the majority of us. It's part of why we recommend sticking close to us your first year quit. I used my air cigarette when those tough craves came up. I call it my JAC (jillars air cigarette). Also posting like you've done and reading those posts that really resonated with you like it sounds How to prevent a relapse has with you. You can also try sucking on a piece of candy or a sucker, I got hooked on those soft peppermint puffs for my whole first year quit. Bought them by the tub fulls lol. If all else fails just go to bed and hopefully tomorrow will be better 

Just know that what you're going through with your quit is normal for not only this tine of year but also with all you're dealing with and it will pass as long as you don't smoke.

 

Edited January 2, 2023 by jillar

[intoxicated yoda]

@DenaliBlues I'm so sorry to hear you are struggling and for the loss of a family member.  What got me past that lingering romance with smoke was to tackle the other addictions I had that were riding shotgun with the cigarettes.  Junk food and coffee.  Once I realized that I actually was addicted to those things as well and eliminated them my thought processes actually started changing.  I still thought about smoking but it was in a different way and it was much easier to distract myself from it.  And when the thought was gone, it was totally gone, which didn't normally happen for me.  It was always simmering on the back burner, just waiting for the opportunity to ambush me.  Then, I found a solution to my muscle cramping episodes.  Turns out taking a healthy dose of sea salt a few times a day and no more cramps.  Guess what else I didn't have anymore?  That tightness in the back of my throat that was always there and gave me that panicky feeling in my stomach that I always would get when I was jonesing for a smoke but couldn't.  Turns out ingesting more salt solved a lot of little minor problems I had like headaches, the late morning nausea I would get.  All these things tied into the routine I had spent years building around smoking.  Then trying to fix something totally unrelated and all these other things resolved and snap, craves don't even register.  Funny how you can just stumble over things sometimes.  Let me clarify, I still think about smoking from time to time.  There are still triggers, but I don't get blindsided with those random gnawing craves to smoke.  

 

Anyway, none of this will stop the trials of life from happening.  The roof will have leaks, the cars won't start at times and loved ones will leave us far to soon, but maybe not all of the grief and stress we feel is just in our heads.  Maybe there is a physical component to it as well.  Maybe we are driven to smoke or eat bad food because our body is deficient in something but we trained our brains to react to the deficiency in the wrong way and if we figure out what the body is really wanting the craves will lose their sting and we can better deal with the traumas of life.   All I can do really though is offer my condolences and hope that you can find something of value in my experience. 

[Angeleek]

Hi Denali,

 

I'm so sorry you suffered a death in your family. I hope the pain of loss is not overwhelming, your family and friends are close & supportive, and you can all comfort and strengthen each other as you move through this very sad chapter.

 

Once you hit the year mark, you will have done all the daily and cyclical / seasonal things without nicotine for the first time in so many years (first Christmas, first birthday, etc). But other events that dont happen once a year can still trip you up, so be on guard for those.

 

It sounds like you are steadfast in your quit but are just irritated by the urges. They will get fainter and fainter with time. It also helps to remember that urges come and go, events and occurrences are here today and already in the past tomorrow, but your lungs & breath are with you for the duration. You want to be toting around some good lungs, so that you have good breath, and that exquisite freedom, all of your days.

 

May you persevere through this rough time, nicotine-free every day and each day a step closer to being 100% free from this terrible addiction's grasp.  All the best for a brighter 2023.

[Linda]

@DenaliBlues So sorry for the loss of a loved one❤ Good job posting

your feelings. I can so relate to everything your saying. You are not alone!!

But I  know you that smoking will not change any of the hard things that happen 

in life. I can tell you that is what caused me to throw away my year quit and nothing

changed, except I was so angry at my self a  the issues that were stressing me out

were still there. Plus more!!! You can do this you are very strong and have made it so

far. Don't give in to the beast!!! I can tell you its normal to feel the way you do I'm right there

with you!!Use your tools and the great people here!! Hang in there, just don't smoke!!!

!!

[overcome]

DB .... so sorry to hear how you are feeling my friend.

I have no real words of wisdom only that what is working for me to quiet the stronger or predictable cravings. I had been giving the craving a big NOPE and doing my best to ignore it or fight it. But lately, I have been doing one mint which gives me the feeling that I have physically done something and the craving is gone. 

Hang in there, the long time quitter's here say it gets easier and I hope to experience that for myself. 

 

 

[darcy]

Still grateful for the many who've found their quit and keep sharing. Glad DenaliBlues tunes out the trash truck, and overcome has a single mint to do something, and Jiller had a tub of mints in the early days,  and Intoxicated Yoda found a connection with salt and eliminating coffee and junk food, so much healing and FREEDOM.

Glad I am finding my way, too.