Tears, Tears, and more Tears

[Kris]

Lord knows, I have been running off at the mouth these last couple of weeks.  Tonight I had one of those go down rip out your heart, get a roll of toilet paper, ugly girl crying jags.  Now that it has passed, I bathed my face in cold water, I knew I was going to be okay.  The depths of my sadness, my grief, had nothing to do with smoking or lack thereof.  I am just missing my husband, what my life was supposed to be.  

 

I could go out and smoke a carton a day and it would not relieve my pain.  I have lost someone, something I can never get back.  I know the truth of it know, smoking was just something that I did, something I became addicted to, something I thought I could not live without.  The truth is I can smoke or not, and yes there are days when I think, to hell with it.  Okay, so I die sooner than I should, at least the horror parts of life would be over.  If we all get lucky we will see each other again in another place.  Why, in this world would I just not throw caution to the wind and enjoy the little time I have left.

 

Sooner or later every decision we make comes back with an answer.  My husband made a decision to not go back to the doctor.  When he did it was too late, the cancer (skin) had metastasized.  He did not feel bad, sick, but found a lump under his arm.  That tiny little pea size lump took his life.

 

So here I am in misery, without him.  If I look at smoking again I am just doing the same thing, ignoring the fact that sometimes, things have to change.  Sometimes we have to do things in order to protect ourselves and our loved ones from unnecessary grief and heartache.  So, I now will be known as the lady who carries a roll of toilet paper in her purse to remind me why there will never be a pack of cigarttes in there again. 

[garry mhudson]

I hope you can find comfort in your life. You have much to offer others. try to turn your grief into positive actions as you have by stopping smoking. Turn the positive action towards helping family and others. There is a song by Laura Story called "Blessings" that has always helped me through some tough times which seem endless at times. We all know loss in our life. "Suffering is part of the deal" I hope better times ahead for you.

[Linda]

@Kris I am so sorry you are struggling But you are so right, smoking

will not replace the grief of the loss of your loved one.

I can tell you for sure, because that when I relapsed and smoke

because of a similar reason and did not change a thing. Holidays are

hard to get through. I too can so relate I miss my husband all the time

he WA also a wonderful man and gone to soon. But I know your husband

would want you to take care of yourself. You are a strong person much stronger

than I was I gave in and through my year plus quit away and it did not change a thing.

Except I felt worse about myself. So hang in there my friend, you've got this.

One day at a time!!

 

[jillar]

I'm happy to see you have this change in attitude towards smoking and seeing it for the addiction it is. Now hopefully you can start moving forward and living in the present. I really think if you focus on other things you'll feel better. Find something you like to do or something you've wanted to try and give it a go. 

On 12/27/2022 at 12:14 AM, Kris said:

So here I am in misery, without him

 

I'm sure your husband wouldn't want you to be in misery, at least not for this long. Go see your son's house and bring them his favorite meal. I know you've never been and that's just sad to me. I can only imagine his wife thinks its her fault so you can show her its not. And you may just enjoy yourself!

Edited December 28, 2022 by jillar

[DenaliBlues]

10 hours ago, Kris said:

I could go out and smoke a carton a day and it would not relieve my pain. 

 

Thank you for writing this, Kris. It was the message I needed to hear today. I've been grappling with grief, as well, and the urge to try to smoke away those feelings is strong. I guess such sorrow comes with being lucky enough to love and be loved. Grief can feel bottomless at times. But grief is NOT the entirety of who we are. I refuse to let it define me. And for sure, smoking won't bring my loved ones back... it would just undermine my ability to live a life that honors them. So I keep my quit, I trudge through some days that are difficult, and I practice gratitude for the goodness that life brings my way. Here's some  stuff for my gratitude list today: Grateful for Kris. Grateful for my quit. Grateful for everyone in this community.  

[Boo]

Saying goodbye to loved ones is never easy.  It hurts and there's no way around it.

 

I think sometimes we put too much pressure on ourselves looking for "closure."  I'm not sure when seemingly everybody started using that word, it just happened one day.  You don't close the book on the ones you love, you move on to the next chapter.

 

11 hours ago, Kris said:

I could go out and smoke a carton a day and it would not relieve my pain.  I have lost someone, something I can never get back.  I know the truth of it know, smoking was just something that I did, something I became addicted to, something I thought I could not live without.  

 

This is an important realization.  We try to fill voids in our life with all types of things.  At best, they are loving distractions.  At worst, they are actually compounding our problems at our lowest times.  Regardless of which it is, we are only delaying the inevitable; we will eventually have to deal with the actual issue.

 

Kris, I think you've only begun to tap into the strength you are capable of.  Hang in there, better days are ahead.