SMOKE

[Kris]

Well , let's see where we are, it is about 3 AM on a Saturday night in the month of December when all things should be happy.  This is the month that my husband and my MIL passed 8 days later.  Lord, the double wham.  When I finally got to my MIL she was comatose, I could not comfort her or she me.  

We had both just lost the whole world.  She had 5 children but it was my husband that was always there.  The one that took care of her when my FIL died.  He was the one that went that went 3 times a week that took out the trash, that cleaned the pool, changed the light bulbs, wiped down the ceiling fans, and anything she needed.  

 

Mind you this carried on even though my husband had been diagnosed with terminal cancer, going thru chemo, traveling to particpate in clinical trials. MIL sold her home and moved closer to her daugther at some point, more for her than MIL, built in baby sitter. as she traveled for work. Still my husband kept up with her care. 

 

It was not anything that shocked me when she collapsed when my husband died.  He was always the special child, he was born in 1959, a preemie, 3 1/2 pounds, not expected to survive but he did. He was so dedicated to family, that was the most important thing.  I will say our family took the backseat, when things needed to be done at our home, it had to wait for everything that was needed for his folks, aunts and uncles, even my sister.

 

It was hard being the last on the list but that was the truth of it.  Things would only get done when I tore up things, like the kitchen floor or a bathroom.  I would do everything I could do to make him come in and fix it. I painted all the of our new home all by myself, I stripped wall paper and still I had to fuss to make him help me with finish.

 

Here I am, son, got him thru college without student loans. Paid off the house.  Moved in my Mom in ill health with dememtia for couple of years. Had son, his fiance and son here for a couple of years. 

 

And then I have to quit smoking, well that was a bitch, but I am doing it.   
Still not happy but I am doing it. If I can get through this crap you can too!  Sometime life is a bitch and you just have to get thru it.  Somewhere there is rainbow.  Just look, you will find your rainbow in the most unexpected place.  If you don't look you will not see it, you will not feel it, that miracle of the sun on you face after a hard day!! 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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[garry mhudson]

Well said Kris. Your post reminds me that we all have to get through life problems but you do have to "look for the silver lining"    

 

[Linda]

Great post @Kris!! Miss seeing your post!!

[DenaliBlues]

Beautiful post about perseverance, Kris. Your words convey the deep love you have for your family, and your fortitude for keeping your quit. I especially appreciate your last point, about the sun on your face after a hard day, and savoring beauty where we can find it. I think quitting smoking is like giving our bodies and souls a deep drink of cool, clear water after subsisting on small drops for decades, because smoke crowded out and shriveled up so much of ourselves. Quitting is like a miracle in slow motion, a deep, nourishing drink. Anyway, thanks for your post, Kris. Appreciate you so much!!  

Edited December 19, 2022 by DenaliBlues

[jillar]

Thanks for posting @Kris, I'm sorry you're still struggling as much as you are this far into your quit. Ask anyone who has relapsed and they will all tell you they wish they hadn't. Your quit IS your rainbow. You have so much to be proud of yourself about and smoking is right up there at the top of the list. Don't miss out on seeing your rainbow!

 

7 hours ago, Kris said:

 

And then I have to quit smoking, well that was a bitch, but I am doing it.   
Still not happy but I am doing it. If I can get through this crap you can too!  Sometime life is a bitch and you just have to get thru it.  Somewhere there is rainbow.  Just look, you will find your rainbow in the most unexpected place.  If you don't look you will not see it, you will not feel it, that miracle of the sun on you face after a hard day!! 

 

 

 

[Gus]

Lovely post Kris! You’ve fought through so many battles. That tenacity of yours will see through your quit. And @jillar is correct. ‘Your quit IS your rainbow.’ So paint it loud and paint it proud!!!

[Kris]

Well, here we are another day, Christmas Eve, there are many we have lost along the way.  I am here on my one alone, besides the 3 pups that fill my home and my heart every day.  I have talked to the son, no, I will not be going to his house for Christmas day. I did speak to my grandson to let him know that I have his present and will get it to him soon.  

 

I do not like the holidays anymore!  I have had my glory days and prefer to keep my sad face and tears to myself. Just because I may be in pain doesn't mean I get to ruin the day for others.  I really do not mind being alone.  I still do all the things, I made the cookies, cooked a ham and lasagna.  Have all the traditions we used to do as a family except there is no tree, no lights on the house.  Some of you may think that is sad, do not, I was blessed with a loving husband and family.  

 

My home is mortgage free, my son is a happy, sucessful young man, married with his own young family.  I like to think that my husband, who passed 12 years ago, and I still got it all done just as we planned.   I maybe here without him but his love and hard work has given me and our son a good life, no worries and the same security, protection he would have provided if he were still alive.

 

Just passing this on, to appreciate life, to really understand how much you have been given.  It all started long ago when there was no room in the inn.  Joseph and Mary were allowed to take lodging in the manger.  There was a bright star that night that led the wisemen to the place of our saviour's birth.  For on that night a child was born "God's only begotten son"  that was given to all of us. From that birth until this day, every child is born with God's grace.  What a gift we have been given.

 

Yes, yes, I do ramble on at times.  I still struggle every day.  I would like a cigarette right now.  At least the struggle is worth it!!

[Linda]

@Kris Good to see you here. What a great post to share.

I can relate to what you are saying. You have done a great job on 

having a good life. Might not be the life that you expected to be. But you have all the great memories

to hold close to your heart. We do have a lot to be grateful for. Your post was very inspirational!!

[jillar]

@Kris, I can guarantee that you ask anyone who's relapsed because they really wanted to smoke they'll tell you they wish they'd never given up their quit. 

I don't know if you do positive affirmations but I love them when I need to get my head straight. Just put each benefit of quitting on a sticky note and stick it on the bathroom mirror (or anywhere you'll see it first thing every morning). Also write down what exactly you're missing about smoking? Is it the stale smoke stink? The hard earned money spent? Maybe its the burn holes in stuff you really like? Think of those things since the obvious health reasons don't seem enough. You can also trick your brain into thinking its getting the real thing by using an air cigarette when you get a crave. It worked great for me and you'll naturally stop doing it as time goes by. Also don't forget to do something that you never smoked while doing when those nasty craves come up. 

[garry mhudson]

Thank you Kris for the post. Time passes and we have to be grateful for what we have and the memories of what we once had. very well said. God Bless and Merry Christmas.