I still struggle, where do I belong

[Kris]

I have not posted a lot any more.  Everyone seems to be fine, they are not having any problems after getting thru the first part. I am about 16 months out and I still struggle everyday.  I am sure part of it is I have no distractions, retired, don't work, widow, not a lot of social interaction.  I thought by this point it would be over, I would be over it.  No one seems to talk about this.  Are there any others that have quit but still struggle?  What do I do? When will the callings stop?  Is it worth the mental pain and anxiety?  Shit, I just don't know what to think.

 

These days I come on the board no one is talking about quiting, the journey, the struggle we face every day.No one pouring out their feelings about the whole thing.  Is everything so easy, there is not struggle to keep hold of all those things that make us want to smoke.  There is just not the physical withdrawal to deal with.  What about the emotional, metal things that keep that desire to smoke fueled.  How are we supposed to get rid of those?  My nightmares and real life drive me to find some kind of relief.  

 

 

[Paul723]

You have not reached the point where you have accepted that you have quit forever, you are done with smoking.  You are abstaining from smoking, and this allows the struggle to continue.  Please embrace your quit and congratulations on 16 months, you should be proud!

[DenaliBlues]

Hi, @Kris. So good to hear your voice! I am very glad you posted this, because much of what you write resonates with me. I think positive affirmation is crucial, but it's equally critical to speak truthfully about the darker parts of quitting. The wrenching loss. The yearnings that never seem to abate, at least for me. All of the whe emotional and psychological and habitual wreckage that smoking leaves behind.  

 

I'm only 8 months into this quit, so what I don't know about Forever Quitting would fill a football stadium. But there are a few things that I do know.

 

I once quit for almost seven years. During that time I missed smoking every single day. There were times that my longings to smoke felt like red hot torture and other times like a minor annoyance. But they never fully disappeared. I could list a bunch of rationalizations for why that was the case, and for why I lost that quit. But the honest truth was I threw that quit away. I gave into the longings because I didn't face and work through the underlying addiction and all of the after-effects of smoking that you so accurately describe, Kris. In other words, I had seven years of not smoking but zero years of RECOVERY. When I went back to smoking (thinking I could smoke just once in a while, or moderate my smoking... as if...), my nicotine addiction surged back stronger than ever before. It took me years to try to break free again. I regret the loss of that quit more than I can express. I want this time to be different, to be my Forever Quit. So here's what I'm taking away from that past experience:

 

- Just NOPE.

 

- Nicotine addiction gives me selective memory. There was a lot about smoking that was a living nightmare. Beyond the physical harms, it injured my head and my heart and my relationships. The addiction/longing that likes to romanticise smoking wants to minimize all of that, but I'm trying to keep the facts in focus. If smoking is awful and not smoking is awful, then I choose the awfulness of not smoking, because I choose to believe there will be light at the end of that tunnel. 

 

- I'm trying to "demote" the longings, to reduce the power I let them have in my head and heart. The desire to smoke, and the grief of quitting, still hit me in strong waves. They suck, bigtime. But they do not define me. Think "You Don't Own Me" from First Wives Club. @intoxicated yoda once described the yearnings as a piece of junk rattling around in the back of his car's trunk, and I'm aspiring to that. I also use the mental image of just watching them sail by... like a stupid commercial on TV, or a foul ball I don't need to swing at. 

 

- Can I bring some self compassion to the table? Can I stop viewing the part of me that wants to smoke as a demon to be killed, and instead view it as a small injured mammal that needs my care and time to heal? Not sure, but I am thinking about it.

 

In the meantime, I remember that community supports recovery. So I come here to the Train. I distract myself. I listen to what others are going through. When things get bad, I borrow some affirmation from others. I speak my truth, which is sometimes really different than the truths of others. You belong here, Kris, and your experience matters a lot. Thank you for sharing it openly. And PM me if you ever want to talk one-on-one. 

 

 

[jillar]

Hey @Kris, I agree with the above. You're still thinking you're missing out by not smoking. One thing I did each month was I would go back and read my posts from the beginning of my quit and remind myself how badly I wanted to be where I am now. Unfortunately I lost all my early posts when the forum I was on back then imploded. But it will really help you to not forget where you came from.

That being said, you may have rogue craves for years, I have. The difference now though is that they come and go so quickly its a non issue and easily swatted away

[Reciprocity]

I agree with those who've indicated that you have not yet committed your mental/emotional self to quitting, even though you've conquered the physical aspects of quitting for all those 16 months now.

 

I suppose we're all different in how we process those mental/emotional aspects of quitting so it's hard to say to others; do this or that and your desire to smoke will be gone. 

For me, it just happened one day about 7 months into my quit. I was on holiday in Las Vegas of all places and it seemed everyone was smoking. Heck, people were even smoking while in the hotel pool - literally standing in the water smoking. Instead of envy, I only felt pity for them as I watched them smoking one after the other cigarette and I've looked at smoking that way ever since. I feel sorry for people who are driven by their addiction all the time no matter what else is going on around them. Smoking is literally robbing them of their freedom to live life positively.

 

After years quit now, I still will get the odd thought that I might like to have a smoke. No idea where or why those thoughts come from they just pop into my mind but they are just that - brief, fleeting thoughts. I quickly catch myself thinking; where did that come from? Then, the thought is gone and I just carry on. I'm not sure exactly how I reached this point in my own quit but I do know this; I have always remembered why I quit and the strength in commitment it took to do so. I have also always focused on the positive things I have received in my life since quitting and I have never again thought that lighting up even one smoke would do anything positive for me. I'm both happy & proud that I was able to deny my addiction and have focused only on a future life without those freedom stealing cancer sticks!

 

Why did you quit? There must have been a reason that was compelling enough for you to endure all the struggles we go through in those early days/weeks/months. Does that reason not still exist for you? What is it that you think lighting up again would do for you? How would it improve your life and would you be willing to give up the positive things you have noticed in your life since quitting? Perhaps some concentrated self examination of these questions might help you to adjust your focus toward the benefits of being quit and away from the mirage of smoking positivity we smokers seem to create within our own minds.

 

 

[Boo]

13 hours ago, Kris said:

 When will the callings stop? 

 

The question is: when will you stop taking the calls?

 

The thoughts of smoking are actually inconsequential.  Our reaction to those thoughts is significant.

 

I've thrown away quit attempts in the past because I allowed those thoughts to set up shop in my head and became obsessive to the point of lighting up again.

 

More recently, I learned that those thoughts can be dismissed.  It took practice and repetition but it can be done.  Observe the thoughts for what they are and swat them away.  

 

You don't have to kill the beast; you only have to stop feeding it.

[DenaliBlues]

Good take-aways here: to lean into our reasons for quitting, to change our reactions to the thoughts of smoking, to stick with it because the turning point will come. Good stuff. I do have a different lens on one thing, though:

 

38 minutes ago, reciprocity said:

you have not yet committed your mental/emotional self to quitting

 

I don't feel able to gauge anyone else's commitment. What I heard in Kris' post is that sometimes this commitment is painful. I concur. Speaking for myself, naming the longings and loss aloud isn't about a lack of commitment. It just means that I'm grappling with that pain - trying to externalize it and change how I respond (or not!) to it as part of my recovery process. I really value being part of a community where people can let the stink out. 

[johnny5]

I'm sorry you are struggling, Kris.

 

You still feel that you are missing out on something by not being able to smoke.  I stopped smoking for many short short periods of time but I went back because I felt I was missing something by not smoking.  I see now that isn't true.  All that smoking gives you is bad....darkness, disease, etc.  

 

Life isn't perfect as a non-smoker....crappy stuff will still happen, but you will not continue to have your life center around an addiction that is killing you.  That just makes things a lot worse.

 

Without going into detail, my life at my 1 year quit mark was, in many ways, a lot better than it is now.  I felt proud and was optimistic for the future.  There is a lot more struggles in my life now (nothing special about me, that's just how life is) but I feel much stronger without having to deal with all the BS of continuing to feed my nicotine addiction.  All smoking does is make things worse.

 

You are doing a great thing by reaching out about how you are feeling.  It is really disappointing to still struggle.  But you really need to accept that you are now a non-smoker (a great thing) and put the BS bs of being a smoker behind you.

 

Do what you can to put the lies that you are missing something by not smoking behind you.  It is all BS and isn't worth the frustration.  Move on from that negativity.  I know that is easier said than done but you need to do this.

[notsmokinjo]

First.... thank you for posting this. You are not the only one to feel like this. It's hard to stick your hand up publicly and say so this post is big... I mean, one you worry that it might put an early quitter off... then there is the whole wotif I am the only one thought process... what if people give me negative feed back.... but i think you should be proud of your post. 

 

So I think Boo explained it best, it's not the thought that's the issue but how your react and respond to it.

 

I still get the occasional thought that I'd like a smoke... I know that's its just a remnant nicotine receptor trying it on... the thing is when for example I get a whiff of someone's smoke and that little voice goes "oh I'd like a smoke" I don't give the thought any realestate... my instant response is "yeah-nah" and I go on with my life. I don't analyse why I thought that, does that make my quit weak, Am I still battling this... why?... will I fail am I failing... no time for that.... had the thought, said nope and off I go with life.

 

It hasn't always been like that... when I was about 18 months quit I'd psycho analyse every single occasional thought... made me feel like a weak/mad quitter and everyone else was doing it easy. It wasn't any hold smokes held over me just my own self doubt and yhought processes.

 

When that self doubt crept in I'd re read my earliest posts.... and remember how far I have come and who I am now... which is not a slave to a chemical/drug.

 

It just takes time...there is no perfect time table...we are all different... it's OK to have a shit day, just ok if you still get a crave or smoking thought.... remember your undoing years of conditioning....you will get to easy street in the time that's right for you and noone is going to think any less of you if you say... "oi support network feeling the pinch here at the moment, please remind me you got my back and it's normal to have off times"

[garry mhudson]

I still have those times when I want to say "to hell with it and give me a smoke". Had one yesterday evening at a bar stopping to pick up food to take home. I`m also retired but have been doing some part time work. Stressful  week driving across Phoenix rush hour traffic and feeling pretty low about my life. Anyway, I was sitting at the bar drinking my beer and Jim Beam watching the football game waiting for my take out when the fellow sitting next to me said" excuse me got to go outside and take a smoke, want one?"The thought of myself sitting outside on the patio Beam in hand, cold beer near by, holding a smoke. Sounded good. What the hell one won`t hurt. I think I could get away with it and not start up again. Smoked well over 30 years before I finally broke the habit. Perhaps I could get away with it but I would be letting myself down. Much needed post Kris. Great respones from the community.  

[Kris]

Thank you all for the replies. I quit for medical reasons. I am proud of the fact that I have not had a stumble.  I just knew I needed to make this post.  That I have to be honest, I have to vent somewhere.  You all are the only ones that have done it, are doing it.  It helps me to know others sometimes feel as I do.  I know this will be a life long struggle, when things get tough, we I think I can't keep going. You are all heat to listen, to help and I am so grateful!!

[notsmokinjo]

Where do I belong ..... right here chickadee!

[intoxicated yoda]

@Kris as far as I'm concerned you always have a place here.  whether you like it or not we on this forum are your tribe.  we all understand what beating this addiction is like so don't feel like you are alone in the struggles you have.  we all have this void in our minds that for years we have tried to fill with smoking.  some people use food or sex or thrill seeking or other drugs, but the reality is that void is always there.  it has to be.  it's what drives us to keep going but when we stop doing the thing to try to fill it we forget the value of it's true purpose.  that desire you feel isn't an enemy to be defeated.  it's your guide.  we as smokers or ex smokers have forgotten how to use it because we spent so much time trying to cover it up and seek a life of ease.  a life of ease is torment, that void makes us seek a life of fulfilment. I'm sure none of this made much sense but I hope it helps in some way.

[Doreensfree]

Hi Kris ....

You are still early into your Quit ...you smoked for decades ...so be a little kinder to yourself ...

Every time you fight the urge you are a Winner ....you have come so far...the only way is forward..

Remember how you felt when you wanted to free yourself ...you must have had a good reason ...

I feel you still want this quit ...you have come here ...

 Maybe stay a while ...talking it through might help you move forward ...

We are all here to help....

 

Edited October 23, 2022 by Doreensfree

[Linda]

@Kris I can relate to your struggles. But keep on fighting the battle

Don't throw your quit away like I did and have to start all over. For me

this time has been much harder than before. Thanks for sharing your thoughts.

I know for me sometimes everyone here seems to be doing so well and 

having a much easier time than myself. I know positivity is important but 

the struggle is real for all of us. Hang in there my friend.

[jillar]

I think alot of people feel that way  @Linda, but we want you to post when you're having hard times. Its the whole reason our site exists. Posting during hard times is much more important than the positive though because it shows others they're not alone when they need to hear it the most. Plus it helps you by getting it off your chest. Win win

[Mac#23]

You have to own the thought thst you are a recovering  addict. There will always be cravings but the easier as time goes by. 2 1/2 years quit and I still get cravings. So, when I get a craving I just like to remind myself that I am a healthier and happier person smoke free. You must believe and have faith that you are doing the best thing for you. 

[Breath-of-Power]

On 10/21/2022 at 2:14 PM, Paul723 said:

You have not reached the point where you have accepted that you have quit forever, you are done with smoking.  You are abstaining from smoking, and this allows the struggle to continue.  Please embrace your quit and congratulations on 16 months, you should be proud!

Hello everyone. 

I'm quoting this because it seems wise words. Maybe it applies to me. I am about to join the quit train, and so.. These words by @Paul723 seem deep. Life will always be a challenge and as @johnny5 says it is not perfect as a non smoker. Not that I am one, or am I? I would say no since I just had a smoke. But I am wanting to commit to this community. I do think one thing that makes things worse, I notice.. : I am after a perfect life and somehow I reasoned that will be when I stop smoking. There! Right here is a mistaken thought, an error. That said, thanks for the space to post. 

 

[jillar]

2 hours ago, Pedro said:

I am after a perfect life and somehow I reasoned that will be when I stop smoking

Hi Pedro, glad to hear you are ready to quit smoking. As far as whether you are a nonsmoker yet, obviously if you've just had one you're not. But as soon as you commit to never taking another puff you will be  

That being said, quitting smoking certainly will make your life better. Much better in fact but I personally don't think there's such a thing as a perfect life. We will all always have trials and tribulations imo because that to me is the meaning of life. But quitting smoking is one thing that will get you closer to that perfect life you're looking for.   

Edited October 25, 2022 by jillar

[intoxicated yoda]

Welcome aboard @Pedro.  there's a lot of resources here to help you once you make up your mind to quit.  it can be quite a rough journey but definitely worth the effort.  your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to never put anything in your mouth and set fire to it.  that's the only task.  

[Doreensfree]

Hello and welcome ..

We will be here to help you in your journey to free yourself ...when you have decided your done with this

killer addiction..

Make the decision never to smoke again no matter what ...and stick to it ..there will be curves along the way...but eventually you will reach your freedom

 

Edited October 25, 2022 by Doreensfree

[Christian99]

Hi Kris--

 

I felt very much like you during my first 14 months or so.  I don't doubt that there are quitters who, for whatever reasons, have a rough couple of weeks and then smoking and thoughts of smoking are entirely in the rear view mirror.  But that wasn't me:  I'll never forget a terrible day at about the 11 month mark in which, on two separate occasions, I had an unlit cigarette in my mouth, matches in my hand, and tears running down my face.  Throughout these months, I couldn't help but think at (many?) times that there must be something wrong with my quit if I'm feeling so crappy for so long.  My 1 year anniversary post (on a different site) was all about accepting (and even embracing) the messy, unpleasant, and irascible quit. 

 

I've never really been a big proponent, on a personal level, of the importance of "changing your mindset"--whenever I attempted to do that, it felt fundamentally artificial and inauthentic.  It's not unrelated, perhaps, to my distaste (to put it mildly) for the insights of Allen Carr and his "easy" way.  I think for some of us--and you might be in this category--the quit just needs time, and it benefits from realizing that every single day without a puff is a WIN, regardless of how one feels (though I guess I could be accused of encouraging my own kind of "change in mindset" there).  That's not to say that I think it's impossible to mitigate symptoms; however, for me, those things were mostly physical--doing things that were consistent with and supported my non-smoking persona.  At some point I just gave up (productively, I think) trying to think about the quit in a new way.  

 

I'll leave you with what I think is the most important thing:  that regardless of how difficult and interminably long the challenges felt, the transformative freedom that I ultimately achieved was absolutely stunning and so much more profound than I imagined.  And that's waiting for you as well.  I sometimes wonder, in fact, whether--at least for me--there's a relationship between my sustained misery and the durability and deep meanings of my quit.  I don't know, but I do know that I haven't had a single craving (or even a passing thought of smoking) in about 19 years, something I most certainly couldn't have anticipated in those first 14 months.  That may or may not happen to you, and the fact that my cravings seem to have been completely extinguished (though I'll always remain vigilant) doesn't make my quit any stronger or better than someone who experiences an occasional twinge.  But I think I can guarantee you that you'll experience a kind of freedom that will astound you.  While you might think that's easy for me to say at this point, I assure you that I'll never forget that frustrating, frightening stretch during which I felt like the thoughts of smoking would never cease.  They did, and they will for you, too, friend. 

 

And, most importantly, today was a WIN because you were smokefree.  

 

Wishing you the best,

 

Christian99

Nearing 21 Years Quit

 

    

 

    

[DenaliBlues]

This is beautiful, @Christian99.

[Christian99]

Thank you, Denali--that's kind to say.   I'd say your nearly 9 month quit is even more beautiful!!!

 

Keep it up, friend--

C99