Junkie thinking #3 revisited: the vent

[Susana]

This has to be my worst quit ever. I´m not progressing at all. Day 10 and it could be day 1 or day minus 1 or f***ing my a*s day.

 

I had friends in the house all weekend. Smoking friends. We had a fantastic time. I didn´t smoke but had cravings from hell, so I´ve been chewing nicotine until it is coming out of my ears.

 

Yesterday after lunch it was so bad that I sent them to the bar to have their after-meal drinks there whilst I did the dishes, put some order and finally went to bed because I was this close---> * to losing it and joining them and buying a pack. I woke up feeling a bit calmer, until today.

 

I´m again thinking that if this state of craving lasts any longer I´m caving in. I am mega-busy at work but can´t concentrate on anything, I just want to dig a hole and bury myself in it. I don´t feel I´ve quit because I´m probably putting more nicotine in my system now via gum than I did when I was smoking. I´m dreading the "proper" detox when I ditch the gum. If this is how I´m feeling now with nicotine coming out of my ears, what on earth is going to happen when I stop feeding the addiction?

 

I don´t like the smell of fresh smoke. The thought of having hot smelly smoke coming into my throat, esophagus and lungs makes me gag. But the thought of stopping this constant craving is just too overwhelming. I´m tempted to ditch this cursed quit, and start afresh and cold turkey later on.

 

If it gets too bad I´ll change the title to SOS.

[action]

You are right Susana... everything you just typed is junkie thinking!  Smoking will not make you feel better - it will not help with your massive workload, and it will not do anything positive, what-so-ever.

 

This is the worst junkie thinking there is - 'I´m tempted to ditch this cursed quit, and start afresh and cold turkey later on.'  There is no such thing as 'later on'!  You know this already, otherwise you would not have posted!

 

You are at day 10, and still in heck week... it's supposed to be hard - the big tobacco companies make is so, otherwise no one would smoke (because NO ONE enjoys it).

 

You did really well by not smoking while your friends were there for the whole weekend!  You are doing great.  Keep posting and reading, and I PROMISE that it will get better...

[jimmy]

Susana don't smoke    you can do this    stay a way from smokers for  a while your stronger than you think   rember smoking is slowly killing you and you don't want any more scary surgerys right  anything but smoke  smoke is the enemy don't let it win   I love you Susana but I cant quit for you you have to do the work I know its ruff at frist but if you can pass all the test it took to become a lawyer you can do this   so keep the quit   get determinded   to stay smoke freee   :D :wub:

[Tink]

Ditch the gum and go cold turkey without smoking in between that's more nicotine going  in which will make the restart even harder!!!!

 

You have passed your tests now which was your excuse to chew the gum

 

Smoking ain't gonna fix nothing, getting nicotine out of you is as you know it gets easier

 

Sorry to kick your butt but your junkie thinking is getting to crisis point

 

Come on Susana get a grip, kick this QUITS ass, no need to go step backwards move forward

 

I know you can do it xxx

[Doreensfree]

Aww susana,

Re-read all the info about this horrible addiction......

Understand why it keeps folks hooked.....

You are curing yourself of a poison ,that is killing you slowly......

See smoking for what it really is......it's not a pleasure,it's a curse....

You know you would hate yourself and wish you had kept your great quit....

Go punch a pillow......I mean really punch it.......

Hugs

[Susana]

Thanks, guys.

 

I am not going to smoke today.

 

But I´m not going to ditch the gum today either.

 

Not today.

 

I am in no state of mind to decide anything today, so I will just decide nothing.

 

If I´m going to ditch my quit, I can do it tomorrow. I´ll see how I feel tomorrow.

 

But not today.

 

(That is as good as I can come up with. I really am losing it big time)

[Tink]

One day at a time

 

Step by step xxxx

[...]

Susanan, NOOOOOO !!!!!!

 

Listen, take some deep breaths. Do whatever you need to do to not smoke. And consider taking the gum out of the equation. Or at least decrease it. Your playing mind games with your junkie mind.

 

I can't write as much as I want cause I'm at work. But please dont relapse. We both have been doing this long enough that we really need to get serious about it. You can do it. And I dont want to lose my quit buddy. Just get through today. That's all you have to do. Just today. You can do that.

[Susana]

. Do whatever you need to do to not smoke.

 

The cats thread will be a few pages longer by the time I go to bed... :girl_wacko:

 

I´ll be here all day, Tiffany. I can´t leave the board(s). No way. If I lose sight of you guys now, I´m doomed. So please bear with me...

[El Bandito]

Hey Susana

 

1. Its normal!

2. Well DONE!

3. Don't be afraid of your cravings. You were craving yesterday. You did not smoke. What happened?

 

What happened? 

 

Yep, thats right. NOTHING. NOT A DAMN THING.

 

You looked the craving in the eye and beat it.

 

Today - the craving is not so strong. It might feel like it is - but it is not. You have it beat. 

 

When the craving comes, smile, recognise it for what it is. It is your little inner junkie trying to fool you. It is not a craving at all really - because you are taking nicotine. The inner junkie is much much tougher than the nicotine addiction.

 

Your method is to beat the powerful enemy (the one in the mind) before taking on the smaller one (the nicotine)

 

There is nothing to be stressed about, or to be scared of. You have won. The cravings will come, you will do nothing and they will go away.

 

When you are ready, stop chewing the gum. When you were a smoker, you quit nicotine every night when you went to sleep - nicotine is no biggy.

 

Keep on keepin' on Susana. You got this.

 

Trust me - brilliant days are just around the corner.

[action]

The cats thread will be a few pages longer by the time I go to bed... :girl_wacko:

 

I´ll be here all day, Tiffany. I can´t leave the board(s). No way. If I lose sight of you guys now, I´m doomed. So please bear with me...

Stay and post all you can. We are here for you (and we all love cats, especially Bakon)

[...]

Bear with you ? Susana, if I could, I would carry you on my back. You just hold on tight to us. We are all in this with you.

[jimmy]

im with tiffany we will take turns carrying you  all of us  

[Susana]

Bear with you ? Susana, if I could, I would carry you on my back. You just hold on tight to us. We are all in this with you.

 

im with tiffany we will take turns carrying you  all of us  

 

Ooops, sorry. I think I´ve chosen the wrong word... I wouldn´t expect you to carry me around like a sack of potatoes hahahahahaha! or to be talking to me for hours on end. Poor y´all! Noooo...

 

I meant something like "please ignore my posting a lot of nonsense just to keep my mind occupied". I´ll try and stick to the cats thread and the numbers thread...hmm... I´m sure there are some new games still to be started down there in the "social" area...

[Doreensfree]

Phew susanna,

Got to say I was worried there....I'm only 4ft 11......would have struggled to carry you.....

But I would defo would have had a go and took my turn l.ol

Your doing great ....do whatever it takes .....

[Susana]

 

I´m calmer now. Kittens and kitty miaows do have a calming effect on me :tender: . Oh, well...

 

Let me see if I can come up with the visual: when I´m starting to really consider going to the shop, I start...like... unwillingly, visualising myself actually getting up, opening the front door and walking down to the shop. My heart starts racing. I start feeling a sort of... the word is "anticipation", really. I can´t think of any similar experience because there is nothing so awful that can compare with it.

 

Then I can see, as in "see" with my eyes, this disgusting smelly monster growing next to me, happy, rubbing its hands, eyes bulging, salivating in anticipation (yep, same word again). And then the fight starts. I want to please myself, but I do not want to please the monster. I want to f**k that monster. The monster would be celebrating, mega-happy, laughing (wroahahahaha) at me, blowing raspberries at me and farting in my face as soon as I light that one cigarette. And I don´t want to give him that satisfaction.

 

So I stop where I am, paralised and confused. After a while the feeling will go. But the monster is there waiting for the next chance. And so I hope.

 

So I hope because the fact that I can "see" the repulsiveness of the addiction I´m less likely to actually fall for it. But believe me when these episodes happen they are not pleasant in the slightest. I can talk about it now it is over, but in the middle of it I am a wreck. I´m blinded. I can´t even think straight. If I´m weak... bang! Quit ruined.

 

Told you there would be nonsense... and yes, I have a very vivid imagination... mind games...

[El Bandito]

Susana - it passes. Honest.

 

The monster will pop into your dreams too...

 

You will probably wake up - full of self loathing - knowing that you smoked..then you will realise it was a dream.

 

Just look at the monster and smile. 

 

You are not going to smoke.

 

The monster will die.

[Still winning]

Awww honey, this is you facing down addiction. This is what addiction is!!  It ties you to a substance that you don't want to take (nicotine) and makes it feel plain rotten to quit it at times.

 

However, GOOD NEWS....

 

I, we, this board are ALL saying the same thing, bad day - not a bad quit. There is NO SUCH THING AS A BAD QUIT!!

 

You will absolutely not be dropping this quit young Susana, you are going to hold on with both hands. I actually do understand the mental mind games. You read that I once spent 3 hours in a complete snotfest over a packet of cigarettes. I posted tripe, I did not smoke - you too.  

 

The smoking friends is well hard this early in a quit. Shows how much you want it that you have 10 days!!  You are doing AMAZING!!

 

xx

[ChRiSpY]

SUEROSE.... DO NOT GO BACKWARDS.  DON'T YOU DARE P*SS OUT ON THIS QUIT!!!

 

NO GOING BACKWARDS ....ONLY FORWARDS... CAUSE BACKWARDS SUCKS!!!

 

YES...THIS IS IN ALL CAPS...CAUSE I AM YELLING AT YOU.

 

Why continue to torture yourself.  We were quit buddies way back in the day and you were strong for me... not I will be strong to you... DON'T F*CK THIS UP... THIS ONE IS YOUR STICKY!!! 

 

it gets sooooo much easier ...I swear... I was such a nicotene junkie... no one that knew me thought I could do it.  But I did..and I am sooooo much better for it.  Like you know...I chewed the nico gum as well.  And it did help me.  It helped soften the blow.  And the anticipation to stop chewing was actually worse then the act.  You keep chewing that gum until you are ready to give it up...but DO NOT SMOKE!!!

 

KEEP ON KEEPIN ON.. YOU DESERVE IT!!!

[JackiMac]

Hi Susanna these thoughts will lessen, each day they will be easier to cope with, if you give the addiction room it will grow and grow, don't allow it to take over your mind, hand up and NOPE, kick the nicodemon to touch and move forward one second at a time if you have too, in the early weeks of my quit, I had to repeat NOPE over and over again, I never believed it would get easier but it has, I have had tricky moments over the last few months but each day it gets better and better, so stay true to yourself and do not give in to the addiction, just reach out as much as you need to we are all here to help you through xx

[Paul723]

Smoking is done for you, no more. Your mind is trying to deny this simple fact - you quit! When you start thinking about it, let your rational mind control the discussion and end the debate.

[sharonsiff]

Hi Susana....

 

First things first from my research I disagree that pharmaceutical nicotine is making the quit harder for you in the long run. It contains no anti depressants (MAOI's) and in itself is not very rewarding, if it was then why do folk keep getting cravings while using it? I'd bet my last pound it's because it's not a 'nicotine chemical cocktail' info on this out there on google.....

 

 

Is it helping you? I suspect it's taking off the edge as you are not ready to commit to stopping using the gum, then don't stop using the gum Susana. Do whatever it is you have to do to get to each camp point (day, week or month) and only think of dumping the pharmaceutical nicotine when you know the thought of doing so does not fill you with dread and fear.

 

I imagine the day you wrote this you were having 3 minute cravings with a 2 minute break and then another type of day? If I'm right then this is, as you may already know, the chemical cocktail your body is used to leaving. Seriously, a day at a time and deal with ditching the gum when you know the thought of it doesn't fill you with dread.

[Susana]

(...)(the gum) in itself is not very rewarding, if it was then why do folk keep getting cravings while using it?

 

Is it helping you?

 

It is helping me as it does ease the "physical" cravings. It does nothing at a psychological level though. If I fancy a cigarette i fancy a cigarette, sitting in the porch chain smoking, not just chewing away. But at least if I have one of those anxious moments it does give me a feeling of relief. It calms me down.

 

I did an "experiment" last year. I was well into my quit, 2-3 months, I don´t remember. I found gum in my desk drawer and chewed one... to see what would happen. And what happened? Nothing. I didn´t feel a thing. No tingling, no nothing. Just a bad-tasting chewing gum. By that time I was truly over the physical stage and the nicotine on its own had no effect whatsoever.

 

Smokers smoke to feel normal, as non-smokers feel all the time. This differentiates nicotine from other drugs: if you smoke a joint, or snort some coke, you do feel "something". It makes you feel different. Even if it is just once. These drugs, or alcohol, have a "positive" effect. They do produce an effect.

 

However nicotine, smoking, doesn´t produce any effect. You smoke the first cigarette and you feel exactly the same as before, only it tastes strange and it may make you a bit lightheaded (like when you are blowing on a fire, nothing to do with the nicotine). The nicotine only causes an effect on the addict. It is a "negative" effect. Because you are addicted to it you don´t feel well when you don´t have it, so you have to have it to feel ... normal. Then you feel normal for a while, until your body processes the nicotine, you crave it again, and you have to have another shot so that you can go back to... normal.

 

It is like Allen Carr´s example of the tight shoe. Those that wear comfy shoes don´t think of their feet. They just walk around happily. Smokers are wearing shoes two sizes too small so that they can feel the "ahhhhhhh" when they take the shoes off.

 

Idiotic.

 

I´m looking at ditching the gum now. I´m going longer and longer periods without chewing. I´ll let you know when I finally become nicotine-free. I remember it is not as bad as quitting smoking, but it does feel like quitting something. I used to say that quitting with the gum is like quitting twice. I don´t want to leave it too long...

 

Edited to add: Do not even think of experimenting with these things!!!!!!!!! After my "experiment" I did relapse, so please DO NOT TOUCH NICOTINE EVER AGAIN

[jimmy]

your doing fine   Susana  I wounder if regular gum might help   switch to something that taste good    very proud of you almost 2 weeks    wtg     :D :music:

[Amy]

Hi Susana,

 

Don't ditch- getting back is hard