First Smoking Dream In A Long, Long Time

[MarylandQuitter]

I woke up this morning thinking that I had ruined my quit.  I had a dream last night that I smoked.  My dream wasn't about me smoking as I don't remember lighting one up or smoking but it was about that I had.  I was left with that horrible feeling like what have I done? 

 

When I was just days away from my 9 month mark in October, 2013, I gave into junkie thinking and smoked.  I still believed in the back of my mind that smoking helped to relieve stress.  When tragedy struck, I was able to hold off for two weeks but I was allowing the junkie thinking to set the course for my relapse.  I smoked 20 cigarettes when I relapsed.  What a waste.  Didn't enjoy a damn thing about one single drag and it didn't relieve any stress or anxiety that I was feeling at the time. 

 

After I smoked that first cigarette in 2013, I felt like I did in my dream last night.  I felt empty.  I felt like I wasted nearly 9 months of not smoking.  I let myself down and I knew it.  So, I woke up this morning with that same feeling and it's no surprise that it happened around that 9 month mark.  It seemed so real that when I first pulled up the site this morning, I did so with that feeling that I had ruined my quit.

 

Once I had my first sip of coffee and snapped back to life, I remembered that it was just a dream.

 

The only good thing that came of it is that I no longer have to wonder if smoking relieves stress much less believe it does.  I was in the middle of a situation that I never, ever imagined I would be and although my world was spinning, smoking didn't help anything at all.  What a let down to be honest.  I willingly threw away my quit to get some relief to help me cope with the storm that surrounded me and it didn't do anything.  When I say it did nothing I mean nothing.  Period.  I wanted it to.  I wanted to believe that smoking would make it better. I tried to believe in the cigarette but I couldn't.  I had believed in a lie for all those years.  Why did it take me so long to see the truth?  The answer is simple; education about nicotine addiction and why we smoke.  Not why we shouldn't smoke, but why we smoke.  That is what makes it impossible for me to ever believe in the cigarette again.  The lie has been exposed and there can be no turning back, ever.  I wouldn't smoke anymore than I would place my hand on a hot stove.

 

Despite the stress of the daily grind, family life etc., I know that smoking will do nothing to help in any way at all.  So thankful that I came to my senses on October 7th, 2013 and finally "got it" and understood what Allen Carr was saying all those years.

[Gemzee]

Great post MQ!

[Still winning]

Those are positively the worst dreams! They can be very realistic and it's not a nice feeling. I'm glad you "woke up" in so many ways. The post makes a lot of sense and I'm glad you are free of the connection to smoking helping, that's a big part of understanding so thanks for sharing, it helped me this morning. 

[Doreensfree]

Yep.....they are scary.....because they are so real.....

But a great feeling when it dawns on you it wasn't real.....

It's great to hear you so positive.....you have been through a lot.....it's made you stronger.....

My best

[BAT]

Great post MQ. Great reminder to keep your guard up. 

[Susana]

I cherished smoking dreams. They did keep me aware of what it would feel like to ruin it. And the realisation that it hadn´t happen was soooo uplifting! And ruining it DOES feel like that in reality. Or worse, even.

 

Thank you for sharing your insight in such an honest way. That post helped me. Thank you.

[JackiMac]

Hate the feeling of waking up after a smoking dream and for that split second thinking OMG what have I done, just re affirms what we all already know smoking sucks xx

[SueBeDoo]

I had a smoking dream last night aswell, I smoked 2 and felt like crap so I'm kinda happy I had the dream because it has strengthened my quit in that I totally don't want to smoke after how rubbish I felt in the dream.

Well done on getting past the 9 month stumbling block, you are doing fab xx