Breaking the Invisible Chains

[Shymaid]

Hello!

I'm Shymaid, and I've been a Nicotine Addict for over 25 years. On 05/26/2022 I lighted up my last cigarette at 05:40 PM CET. A Cold Turkey quit.

The road to this point in time has been long, as you all can see, and with uncounted attempts of quitting behind me. This time it will be different, though! Why? Because I've started to work with where the problem really lies: in my head! I am an addict, and I have to admit that. Being an addict makes the NicoMonster seem like a huge thing, when in reality it really fairly small. I might just have 24 hours under my belt so far, but for the first time I haven't been climbing the walls for those hours!

 

So how did I come to this final point? Well, that's a long story; and while I made several attempts on and off over these long years, they became more and more serious over the last 5-10 years. Two years ago I decided I really did want to quit. Well, I didn't really want to quit, as picturing a future without nicotine was impossible. So while I've been constantly trying to free myself for two years (!!!), I didn't manage it for several reasons.

In October I had my last serious try; a week at a family cabin, alone, without cigarettes or any other form of nicotine. No car of bike, so getting to a store was not possible. I did survive that week. I didn't fall over dead for any reason, the world didn't collapse etc. You probably know the doomsday thoughts going through your head when you try to pick up the nerve for yet another try. However, when departure time came, I had known for hours that I would start again that night. And I did. While I was disappointed in my self to the point of self-loathing, I had also learned a very important lesson: now I KNEW the physical addiction wasn't as bad as I had thought. The main hurdle was in my head. At the cabin I wasn't going up the walls because of the withdrawal pangs, as it did when at home. When I didn't have any access at all to nicotine, the monster was also much smaller compared to when I do. One attempt some years back I controlled myself for about 6 weeks, and those weeks were pure hell where I couldn't even go shopping food. If I did, I knew I would get a new pack and start up again. And I did.

With a few months of 'trying to cut back, so the final quite becomes easier' BS, I had stumbled upon a few resources that made today possible.

Some times the YouTube algorithm works in mysterious ways. Last spring it recommended a yoga channel to me, right at the point where I was so claustrophobic that I couldn't breathe. With 9 months on and off I finally continued a daily practice from 1 January this year - Day 147 today! This has helped me prepare for this moment more than I probably know.

In January I was recommended a meditation music video, which in the end led to a channel called Minds in Unison. It is run by a hypnotherapist, Thomas Hall, and has various kinds of methods to help people with various problems. I went for some subliminal, and unlike many other channels, he actually includes what subliminals he puts in there. A very important point! So I figured I'd try it out, for various problems, and have been listening on and off since. Not all related to smoking, but then everything is connected.

For this time my smoking has been bothering me more and more, and almost driving me as far up the walls ans the withdrawal pangs has done! So the other day I decided to check out Mr. Hall's website, and he has a blog there. One recent post was on how to stop smoking, with one recommended resource was forums. Which led me here. While lurking I saw the praise of Allen Carr and his book, so I did a search and found a pdf version. As this is somewhat of a confession time, I will admit it was put up for free. I just hope one day I will be able to pay it forward somehow. Stolen or not, I started reading it on Tuesday, continuing into Wednesday. As I was overripe for putting this filthy thing behind me, I tried to quit from Thursday morning. Problem was I had 10 more left in my packed, and it had not been hidden while I spelt as promised... So I lasted for a whole hour when I got up yesterday. Not the other person's fault for forgetting, as it was all down to my own weakness! Open packets have been too hard for me to resist, in particular my own packet. So I smoked these 10 cigarettes while starting to type up Mr. Carr's book. At the same time I played 9,5 hours of subliminal music for self-forgiveness. And I felt the fear of a nicotine-free life starting to lift.  When that was done I switched to stop smoking music, and have been playing that almost constantly since.

 

The last cigarette was lit just over 25 hours ago now. It was the 11th of the day, actually, as the 10th was smoked while I was too distracted and I wanted to smoke that last one focused. Why? So I didn't feel deprived of really 'enjoying' that last one. Quite ridiculous when you think about it, but there you are. At least I don't have to sit and pine about how I didn't pay attention to my very last cigarette, haha!

Since then it's been surprisingly easy. While living somewhat on an hourly basis and having to emergency-read in Carr's book to remind myself that I am now a non-smoker, the pangs have been fairly weak and easy to handle compared to what it's been before. As I said, my problem was in my mind. Have i successfully retrained my brain? No, absolutely not! But I have good tools now, and I really, really, REALLY want to be free of this damned cigarettes! Increasingly I've been feeling more and more sick after one, or even just a half; having a very bad taste and feeling of tar covering the inside of my mouth long before the end of the day; etc, etc. So you could say that my mind has been preparing to take this step for some time. Including realizing that NRT wouldn't be the way for me, as I really had to kick the nicotine itself, and to do that handle the FEAR.

The fear of the withdrawal pangs.

The fear of never, ever feeling that nicotine hit my brain.

The fear of who I really am, as I have never known that.

This last point is a very important one for me. I started in my early teens, before I knew who I was. So the only me I know is the slave to the dead weed. The Nicotine Addict. And that is really really scary! I mean, what if I actually manage to quit?!? Who am I then? Where will that lead? Can I face up to who I've actually been while living in this self-imposed slavery? Stepping into the unknown can be very frightening, but it was no option of continuing as I have these 25 years. So it really was just 'DO', haha!

 

So this is my brief story up to this point! So far it's going very well, surprisingly well! I will stay strong!

 

P.S. I apologize for this wall of text, and if you managed to come to the end I thank you for listening. If this can help anyone else, even just one, it will be worth having put out here.

[Gus]

1 hour ago, Shymaid said:

I wanted to smoke that last one focused. Why? So I didn't feel deprived of really 'enjoying' that last one.

I did this. I really wanted to focus on the last one too. It was more about saying goodbye for me. Kind of bittersweet. But also cementing my resolve. I knew without a doubt that I would never be spending time and money on cigarettes ever again. You have a solid foundation built for your quit! 

[Shymaid]

29 minutes ago, Gus said:

I did this. I really wanted to focus on the last one too. It was more about saying goodbye for me. Kind of bittersweet. But also cementing my resolve. I knew without a doubt that I would never be spending time and money on cigarettes ever again. You have a solid foundation built for your quit! 

Exactly! As I've struggled these past two years especially, I've time and time again thought the last cig of the day would be my last one, and then suddenly realize I couldn't remember smoking it And yes, I did feel deprived. Yes, I didn't feel I'd said the goodbye I needed to say. For better or worse, it's been some sort of 'companion' over the years, so putting that final line in the sand felt right. Then turn and walk away forever!

[Boo]

Welcome aboard the Quit Train Shymaid.  Good call on giving up the smokes.

 

The difference between my real quit and the hundreds of mini-quits that were thrown away after a brief period was a change in mindset.  Really digging in and trying to understand my addiction made all the difference.  Once I realized that "facts" about smoking that I accepted as gospel truth were in reality complete garbage and the "reasons" I gave for smoking were just excuses to continue feeding my addiction...the whole game changed.

 

You are on the right track Shymaid.

 

2 hours ago, Shymaid said:

This last point is a very important one for me. I started in my early teens, before I knew who I was. So the only me I know is the slave to the dead weed. The Nicotine Addict. And that is really really scary! I mean, what if I actually manage to quit?!? Who am I then? Where will that lead? Can I face up to who I've actually been while living in this self-imposed slavery? Stepping into the unknown can be very frightening, but it was no option of continuing as I have these 25 years. So it really was just 'DO', haha!

 

Smoking was not as big a part of our identity as we made it out to be.  I had the same concerns when I quit: "I'm a smoker, it's who I am!", "My cigarette is like the sixth digit on my left hand, I can't lose that!"  It was all much ado about nothing.

 

On a trip to my parents house, I saw a high school photo of myself from right around the time I started smoking.  I had a peach-fuzz mustache, a mullet, and owned at least two pairs of acid washed jeans.  I wasn't a slave to those bad choices anymore, why would I feel obligated to continue smoking?

 

The process of quitting forces you to face some difficult truths.  It also teaches you some valuable lessons about yourself that will have a positive impact on other areas of your life.  Quitting smoking is a temporary challenge that will reward you for the rest of your life.

[johnny5]

Welcome @Shymaid

 

You are doing a great thing in quitting smoking.  It is great to have you here.

3 hours ago, Shymaid said:

P.S. I apologize for this wall of text, and if you managed to come to the end I thank you for listening. If this can help anyone else, even just one, it will be worth having put out here.

 

Posting about your experiences helps you and others as well who may be reading it.  Post away, it does help.

[Shymaid]

18 minutes ago, Boo said:

The difference between my real quit and the hundreds of mini-quits that were thrown away after a brief period was a change in mindset.  Really digging in and trying to understand my addiction made all the difference.  Once I realized that "facts" about smoking that I accepted as gospel truth were in reality complete garbage and the "reasons" I gave for smoking were just excuses to continue feeding my addiction...the whole game changed.

 

Indeed! Since reading Carr's book, I've been reviewing all the excuses I've used over the years. A bit fascinating how they changed depending on circumstances! All silly in the end!

 

22 minutes ago, Boo said:

Smoking was not as big a part of our identity as we made it out to be.  I had the same concerns when I quit: "I'm a smoker, it's who I am!", "My cigarette is like the sixth digit on my left hand, I can't lose that!"  It was all much ado about nothing.

 

On a trip to my parents house, I saw a high school photo of myself from right around the time I started smoking.  I had a peach-fuzz mustache, a mullet, and owned at least two pairs of acid washed jeans.  I wasn't a slave to those bad choices anymore, why would I feel obligated to continue smoking?

 

The process of quitting forces you to face some difficult truths.  It also teaches you some valuable lessons about yourself that will have a positive impact on other areas of your life.  Quitting smoking is a temporary challenge that will reward you for the rest of your life.

I hear you! I'm at a time where many changes have to happen, both by choice and by force; which includes thinking about what I'm doing and why. A bit if soul searching, and that's not always fun. So perhaps it better to say that I wonder/fear how much I've been holding back with techniques like smoking, but far from limited to that one. That remains to be seen! Looking back at your life can make you question 'What if...?', which is ok as long as it doesn't drag you under.

[Shymaid]

6 minutes ago, johnny5 said:

Welcome @Shymaid

Thank you!

 

6 minutes ago, johnny5 said:

Posting about your experiences helps you and others as well who may be reading it.  Post away, it does help.

I have a loathing for word salads, and sometimes think/suspect I get a bit too wordy But I'll keep posting!

[jillar]

Mindset really does have a lot to do with how easy or how hard your quit is going to be. You've got a great outlook and sound completely ready to put this addiction behind yoj so I'm sure you'll find it much easier than you feared.

Edited May 27, 2022 by jillar

[Shymaid]

It sure is easier now that I don't put up an extreme version of Plato's Cave anymore! In earlier tries I've let the NicoMonster grow to enormous proportions and caving. I still get the cravings of course, thinking some variation of 'I want a cigarette' in the same inner voice where I would normally go take that cigarette or cave when abstaining, and even seriously thinking 'I'll just take one [puff], then go back'. That one popped up just a few seconds ago. But it just lasts a few seconds, so if I just hold on for those I'm fine.

I'm done being a slave! I want my freedom back! Health, money etc is secondary to me. First and foremost I want control over my thoughts and actions back!

[Shymaid]

So, two days under the belt! And this one has been way harder! Mainly because it has highlighted how I have dealt with anger by smothering it with smoke.

First being just generally irritable, then more and more sleepy around midday; which had my thoughts spinning. It's been a rough year; and one thing that happened was what I thought was a friend showing his two-faced nature. Granted, I haven't talked to him since, so nothing has been resolved that way; apparently I'm still pretty pissed about being kicked while I was down. Sometimes when my thoughts starts spinning, it can be hard to get them on a different track. And I suppose the NicoMonster grabbed hold of that and spun it for all it was worth!

Eating is a bit easier; I generally eat too little and struggle to keep my weight on. (No, it's not a blessing, but just as much of a curse and having problems keeping the weight off) Not sure how conscious it has been, but it seems like I've fallen into the trap of taking a cigarette when I feel hunger coming on instead of eating. So naturally I eat too little, duh! So today I've eaten more regularly than in a long time! Yay!

My head is a bit dull, and I've been a bit dizzy these two days, but hopefully that is just the majority of the nicotine leaving the body!

And again I'm fairly glad I can soon go to bed and sleep That is always a good thing on a bad day!

 

Also, my CNS really had a tantrum today, and has been buzzing away wanting a fix. So it also started craving caffeine and sugar - and I do mean really badly! I was a bit skeptical to have coffee in my quit at all, as I have a strong association with coffee and cigarettes; I usually have both together. But it hasn't been that much of a problem other than the increased urge for more caffeine. But perhaps I will have less tomorrow, either just tea or one or two cups of coffee. Hopefully I will be less sleepy than I've been today. If I fall asleep around noon I just know I won't be able to sleep at night, and I really don't want to sleep all day and be up all night!

Edited May 28, 2022 by Shymaid

[jillar]

@Shymaid, everything you're experiencing is normal in the early part of our quits. Listen to your body and if its hungry, eat. Tired, sleep, etc. It's working extra hard right now to clean out all those years of smoking.

The dizziness, or brain fog can sometimes be helped with sweets. I craved soft peppermint puffs my whole first year quit lol. 

You're doing great!

PS. I know the pain of not being able to gain weight, I've experienced it my whole life and it IS just as bad as someone who can't lose weight!  

[Shymaid]

9 minutes ago, jillar said:

@Shymaid, everything you're experiencing is normal in the early part of our quits. Listen to your body and if its hungry, eat. Tired, sleep, etc. It's working extra hard right now to clean out all those years of smoking.

Oh, I know! I have a strong urge to have a deep clean of the whole body!

Not sure I would've been able to sleep during the day today, as I'm very restless and the whole body is buzzing. And as nothing is open tomorrow and there is nothing for me to do, I might have a nap if needed. Hopefully it will be a bit easier, the first three days are the hardest on the body. I'm already noticing a difference physically, which is really encouraging!

18 minutes ago, jillar said:

The dizziness, or brain fog can sometimes be helped with sweets. I craved soft peppermint puffs my whole first year quit lol. 

Oh, wow! I just crave something undetermined sweet stuff, I have no idea what I want. So frustrating! Unless I find something I really want, I'll probably just let this pass on it's own, I think.

 

20 minutes ago, jillar said:

You're doing great!

The bloody anger has been the hardest part so far! Oh to have a boxing bag...

[Shymaid]

22 minutes ago, jillar said:

PS. I know the pain of not being able to gain weight, I've experienced it my whole life and it IS just as bad as someone who can't lose weight!  

And everyone going "You're so lucky to be slim! I can't believe there could ever be any problems with that, you're not anorexic, so.... " Then "Why have you become so skinny? Is something wrong?"

Hopefully it will get easier without the NicoMonster!

[jillar]

58 minutes ago, Shymaid said:

And everyone going "You're so lucky to be slim! I can't believe there could ever be any problems with that, you're not anorexic, so.... " Then "Why have you become so skinny? Is something wrong?"

Hopefully it will get easier without the NicoMonster!

 

Yep, I've heard all that. AND the rolling eyes when I try to say how frustrating it is to not be able to gain weight.  

[Shymaid]

9 minutes ago, jillar said:

 

Yep, I've heard all that. AND the rolling eyes when I try to say how frustrating it is to not be able to gain weight.  

Indeed... Well, it's good to know there are others with the same problem out there, so not feeling so alone with it!

[Shymaid]

Definitely missing my winding-down-for-the-day relaxation right now, as of course that includes cigarettes. I have noticed for some months how I tend to smoke more at night and the urge getting stronger and more often from around 5PM, so the effect are of course the opposite of getting the body relaxed. Still, it's more the ritual around it that I miss, I think.

Which is funny, as it isn't that much different from my mornings - only difference is a cup or more of coffee really

[jillar]

I used an invisible "air cigarette" that I called my JAC (jillars air cigarette ) for those times. It worked great at tricking my mind into thinking it was getting the real thing  

[Shymaid]

Haha, maybe I'll try that one if the next few days gets hard! This evening has been fairly easy, though, seems like the worst is over for today *fingers crossed*

So I'll take the opportunity to hopefully slip into sleep before there's any petal to the metal again!

[Gus]

Stay strong @Shymaid! You’re doing great. And @jillar is right. All of that which you are experiencing is normal. I skipped feeding the craving for sweets. I have always been slim too. I’ve always taken care of myself and eaten sensibly too. I didn’t want to kick Nicodemon’s butt just to say hello to the sugar fairy. But it is strange how I craved sweets when quitting smoking and now the same with the coffee. It’s why the next thing I’m going to work on is cutting out as much sugar as possible. At least processed and added sugars anyway. Anyway, you ARE doing great!

[jillar]

22 minutes ago, Gus said:

I didn’t want to kick Nicodemon’s butt just to say hello to the sugar fairy.

 

Surprisingly I quit craving them after my first year and haven't bought them by the tub since. I do still enjoy them around Christmas time though

[Gus]

That’s good @jillar! I would still be sucking on those things and be diabetic on top of it. lol

Edited May 28, 2022 by Gus
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[DenaliBlues]

Glad you made it through Day 2, @Shymaid! Feeling sleepy (without the stimulant of nicotine) and also antsy (due to withdrawal) is par for the course in the early days. Staying busy helps. (I did a lot of little household chores, short "exercise snacks," played with silly putty to keep my fingers occupied, came here and played games, etc.) It's funny that you used the word "buzzing" because my own cravings felt like a hive of bees at the beginning, too. Partly that was withdrawal irritability, but I think it also was about detoxing. Drinking cold water and shaking my arms and legs - really shaking them HARD - helped to manage that energy. I still do it sometimes. I probably look like a dunce. But hey at least I am a dunce who doesn't smoke, as opposed to a double dunce who does. So that's progress!  Good luck with day 3. You're doing great!

[Shymaid]

7 hours ago, Gus said:

Stay strong @Shymaid! You’re doing great. And @jillar is right. All of that which you are experiencing is normal. I skipped feeding the craving for sweets. I have always been slim too. I’ve always taken care of myself and eaten sensibly too. I didn’t want to kick Nicodemon’s butt just to say hello to the sugar fairy. But it is strange how I craved sweets when quitting smoking and now the same with the coffee. It’s why the next thing I’m going to work on is cutting out as much sugar as possible. At least processed and added sugars anyway. Anyway, you ARE doing great!

Oh, I know how you feel! I've already had a few dances with the Sugar Fairy... For the most part kicked her butt, but I certainly don't want that to flair up at this point! I have a sharp line between added and not added sugar; I'm not cutting out all fruit just because they have their natural sugar in them, and all that.

Good luck doing the rounds with her! And remember, she's not really fair at all!

When the NicoMonster is under control, I'm cutting way back on coffee. No plan on cutting it 100% right now, after all, you don't have to cut everything at once

 

I've been taking some extra yoga and walking the long way to the shops to alleviate the cravings so far. As said, anger flaring up was the most difficult hours!

[Shymaid]

1 hour ago, DenaliBlues said:

Glad you made it through Day 2, @Shymaid! Feeling sleepy (without the stimulant of nicotine) and also antsy (due to withdrawal) is par for the course in the early days. Staying busy helps. (I did a lot of little household chores, short "exercise snacks," played with silly putty to keep my fingers occupied, came here and played games, etc.) It's funny that you used the word "buzzing" because my own cravings felt like a hive of bees at the beginning, too. Partly that was withdrawal irritability, but I think it also was about detoxing. Drinking cold water and shaking my arms and legs - really shaking them HARD - helped to manage that energy. I still do it sometimes. I probably look like a dunce. But hey at least I am a dunce who doesn't smoke, as opposed to a double dunce who does. So that's progress!  Good luck with day 3. You're doing great!

Yeah, in October when I tried quitting at the cabin, I took a nap every day. But the bed there did a number on my already bad back, so I didn't sleep that well at night either I'm a bit scared of messing up my sleeping pattern completely, as I struggled to get that under control since New Year. I've also not kept myself too busy, as I associate smoking with sitting down and rewarding myself for what I've finished etc. No restless fingers so far, more a restless body and mind.  Having trouble sitting still and such, while also too lethargic to do anything.

I'll probably continue making a pattern for a pair of summer trousers and get the pieces cut out today. I'm copying my favorite pair. However, making your own pattern when you don't know sewing isn't the easiest, but then I do have the tendency to jump into the deep end of stuff like that. So lots of frustrations so far, but hopefully I can start making some progress! I'll be hand sewing them as I can't be bothered learning my mother's machine. Besides, it's really meditative which is a plus! And find some short yoga videos at the right length and intensity level should be good!

[Shymaid]

So, I succumbed to the temptation... No excuses! I failed myself, and I really have no reason to smoke.

I suppose one positive thing is that it wasn't even good. I didn't feel any better when it was smoked, on the contrary! I was still dizzy with buzzing nerves throughout my body, and on top of that I got a bit nauseous. So it certainly didn't tempt me to continue! I can already feel my body feeling much better in so many ways, even while it's detoxifying. One of the most irritating things is that today was much easier than yesterday, so there really was no "good" reason to fall off. As I have some chronic fatigue issues, it might be a need for that stimulating effect of nicotine that got to me. It's mostly gone and/or under control, I do get some dips now and then, in particular when the body has some additional strains. It was one of my problems getting into a daily yoga routine over this past year. But I managed to do that, and I will manage to leave the nicotine behind me!

So right back on the train! Subliminal music is playing, and I'll be diving back into Allen Carr's book! Hopefully it will be slightly easier to continue from as there is less toxins in my body than there was on Thursday, and all in all the positive effects I feel already is a boost to keep going.