Quitting for others

[Kdad]

My wife does not want me to smoke so I was hiding smoking from her. This unfortunately caused me huge guilt about smoking. I would get caught eventually and have a lot of guilt and shame. I feel like this scenario makes quitting more complex. I know I want to quit for myself but the act of sneaking  somehow makes it more dire. It seams like guilt and shame are part of smoking but they make you want to smoke. There is a "damn the world'' thought that takes over and you have a smoke. Guilt and shame may help you to quit but there is another side to them. They can breed deviance and covert behavior. I just want to be understood and seen as someone who is suffering immensely. I'm in pain even when others won't see it. 

[jillar]

People who have never smoked can't understand how addictive nicotine is. My husband, a never smoker, thought I should be over it after about six weeks quit. I explained that I will never be "over it". I will have to protect my quit for the rest of my life. Its no different than any other addiction....

As far as hiding smoking from others goes, yea, they know. Trust me. Especially never smokers with sensitive noses... 

Kdad, you know you can quit. You've done it twice before. Once for eight months and once for two years. Quit getting into your own head, buckle down, accept it will be a little uncomfortable for a while and lets get this done once and for all. We want to see you succeed!

[Sunnyside]

Totally understand. It's a horrible addition! Think if you hold tight, you will never have to deal with this issue ever again

[Kris]

Oh that one is tricky, I have never and would never hide my smoking.  If I wanted to smoke that is my choice.  You do not need anyone's permission.  You are an adult.  You will be the one to pay the price for the choice you make.  I have lost connection to some of my husband's family for being honest about my smoking.  I caught "as they say" them smoking on the side of the house during a family gathering.  They said "we knew we would see you out here", I said "No you won't, I will be sitting in a chair at the table on the patio.  I am not ashamed, and I am not hiding from anyone".

Let's say they did not like my opinion on the matter.

 

All of this must be choice you make. If you chose to smoke and get sick it will be your choice but do not expect that others will feel bad, that they will take care of you.  I know you don't want to accept that, you do not want the cold hard truth that we have to accept that with choice we make. Believe us, we know how hard it is, the suffering.  @jillarsaid it, it will never be over, accept that forever is the thing that will save your health and your life. You know how to do this, you have done it before.

Do this for you and no one else.  You matter to everyone in your life!

[nicotine_free]

There is no way I could quit for someone else, and I really wanted to but it would never work out. When I relapsed at 1 month I considered keeping it a secret but because I really wanted to quit I knew I had to come clean. Everyone was really supportive and didn't put me down in any way. Now I have 3 days again and am starting to feel a bit better. It's still a bit of a roller coaster ride, but I am doing this for me because I'm worth it.

[KEL]

I can't relate to the pressure to quit by an external source because that was not my experience. My motivation was that I wanted to feel better, to not be a slave to a substance. I knew that it was never going to be an easy process but dying from smoking was going to be worse.

I would think that having a partner who wants you to stick around could be a huge help in a quit, especially if you can communicate openly and honestly about it.

This is a drug addiction; no different from heroin or meth. We are junkies and the process of recovery is oftentimes long and winding. The problem is that everyone pays the price for our addiction. Its horrible to watch someone suffer and die under any circumstances. In some ways, the guilt for EVERYONE involved is worse when its death/disease from an addiction because somehow we see this as a "choice."

None of us smoked by choice. Rather our brains have been so destroyed by the nicotine that we told ourselves we chose to smoke when the reality was we were addicted.

We have all of the information. I don't think anyone "chooses" to get lung cancer or COPD or emphysema. So if we are still smoking its because we are addicted. And so long as we are putting that drug into our system, we don't have any choice. 

 

[Kdad]

Well I smoked a few times this morning and then I destroyed the pack. I definitely want to quit for myself. It is just embarrassing that I have so many set backs. I've been watching the videos and that helps. 

[Doreensfree]

Kdad...

Why did you have cigs lying  around ....if you didn't  have any ...by the time you thought of buying some .

And posted SOS ...it might have made a difference ...

What are you going to do differently this time ...??

Sounds like you need some tools in your box ..to prepare you for next time ...

[johnny5]

 

23 hours ago, Kdad said:

My wife does not want me to smoke so I was hiding smoking from her. This unfortunately caused me huge guilt about smoking. I would get caught eventually and have a lot of guilt and shame. I feel like this scenario makes quitting more complex. I know I want to quit for myself but the act of sneaking  somehow makes it more dire. It seams like guilt and shame are part of smoking but they make you want to smoke. There is a "damn the world'' thought that takes over and you have a smoke. Guilt and shame may help you to quit but there is another side to them. They can breed deviance and covert behavior. I just want to be understood and seen as someone who is suffering immensely. I'm in pain even when others won't see it. 

 

Quitting for others sounds good but ultimately you have to quit for yourself.  I started smoking in college and soon got a girlfriend who hated cigarettes and she would say, "it's so easy, just don't smoke" and would sometimes be quite insulting about "how can you just not figure this shit out.  Just don't smoke." and those were the nicer things she said about me smoking.  I got to the point to where I not only felt horrible about myself being a smoker but grew to resent her for her advice.  The advice is correct but is amazingly difficult for someone who is not a nicotine addict to understand.  Also, I hid it from her when I claimed I was trying to quit but now I realize that it is really tough to hide smoking to a nonsmoker, with the odor, etc.

 

Having someone else wanting you to quit is great inspiration but you really have to want it yourself.  They simply don't understand.

 

1 hour ago, Kdad said:

Well I smoked a few times this morning and then I destroyed the pack. I definitely want to quit for myself. It is just embarrassing that I have so many set backs. I've been watching the videos and that helps. 

 

Smoking isn't going to help you quit.  That sounds so reasonable to me now but that wasn't a message I wanted to hear when I was trying to quit.  You really have to commit to not taking another puff.  If you have to go to nicotine replacements, etc., it is worth it.

 

You've been fighting this desire to quit and then return to smoking for a long time now.   Please believe it is worth it to commit to not smoking and the start is to commit to not taking another puff, even if you commit to it one minute, hour, day at a time.  You can do this, Kdad.

[Doreensfree]

You've been fighting this desire to quit and then return to smoking for a long time now.   Please believe it is worth it to commit to not smoking and the start is to commit to not taking another puff, even if you commit to it one minute, hour, day at a time.  You can do this, Kdad.

 

Great advice ....we all believe in you ....you have to start believing in yourself ...

[Gus]

2 hours ago, johnny5 said:

 

You've been fighting this desire to quit and then return to smoking for a long time now.   Please believe it is worth it to commit to not smoking and the start is to commit to not taking another puff, even if you commit to it one minute, hour, day at a time.  You can do this, Kdad.

Excellent advice! I know you can do this @Kdad! Stay close!

[Kate18]

17 hours ago, Kdad said:

Well I smoked a few times this morning and then I destroyed the pack. I definitely want to quit for myself. It is just embarrassing that I have so many set backs. I've been watching the videos and that helps. 

I was a serial quitter for several years. I'd post at a previous forum that some members here were also a part of, so some of them may remember how I'd fail repeatedly. One of them (not here in this forum) told me I wasn't serious about quitting if I was not just sticking with it. That wasn't true. It was embarrassing to be in the cycle of getting excited about quitting, stubbing out what I expected was the last cigarette, set my signature ticker with the quit date, and post daily pledges and relapse. I didn't always post my attempts at quits, but many of them. 

 

Whey your why-quit becomes stronger than your why-smoke, you'll make it happen. Your why-reason should be something to feel excited about, strong enough to give you a kick of dopamine or adrenalin, a sense of power, and maybe guilt isn't doing that. 

 

I wanted to be sure I could survive Covid, so I quit just as it hit the USA in 2020. The vision of being on a mechanical ventilator in a hospital was a chilling one for me. I was on one once, and it was not pleasant to return to consciousness and find a tube down my throat, feeling immobilized, hearing beeps and hisses, disoriented, alarmed.

 

Don't give up on yourself. You can do this.

[Kdad]

Thanks for support! I am still smoke free.

[jillar]

@Kdadcan you update your quit date and ticker so we know where you are in your quit? It helps us when you need support to know how far along you are

[Kdad]

I keep updating it but it defaults back. 

[jillar]

@Kdad you have to delete the old ticker FIRST, then make a new one and put it in your signature. And the quit date under your profile pic says 11-22-20. That's the first thing we look at when we're trying to offer our support...

[Kdad]

How do you edit your profile?

[Kdad]

Never mind, got it.

[beazel]

Kdad, I will try not to ramble b/c I have a lot to say on this subject.

 

My husband bugged me for years to quit.

(he does understand, he quit 41 years ago)

 

I was a serial quitter with some substantial quits under my belt, but I simply waited for "the Big Excuse" and would happily go back to smoking.

The "Big Excuse" will always arrive because life throws us some really hard stuff from time to time.

 

I quit working a few years before retirement age for reasons I won't bore you with.

Not having my little bitty income made a big difference, and I started to feel super guilty for wasting money on cigarettes.

 

I'm gonna do it!! It will make him so happy!!

 

He said he will support me every step of the way.

He said he will take whatever evilness I dish out.

 

And boy did I. I was a whiny baby, a she-devil, I had temper tantrums, panic attacks I spewed nonsensical mumbojumbo...I was horrid.

He would just hug me and tell me how great I was doing.....I wanted to kill him.

 

He was the reason this Bi*ch took over my mind and body!!!

 

I fought this quit every second of every day.

 

But I belonged to a quit smoking forum and soaked up the love and support, I read and read and read (I knew education was the key), I watched videos, I posted often, I pledged NOPE.

(it took me a few weeks to start pledging, but when I was ready it really meant a lot to me)

 

He told me when I reached 6 months I could smoke if I wanted to...when I hit 6 months I said okay I'm going to get some cigarettes now.

He talked me into waiting a year.

Same deal...got up early and declared Time To Go Get Those Cigarettes!

He said Crap didn't know you were gonna be this tough!

 

Talked me into hanging on....uggggg

 

I kept fighting because I knew I would hate myself for giving up on another quit.

I made the choice to make it so hard and now I realize how ridiculous I was for _________(I'm not going to say for how long, I don't want to discourage anyone)

 

At some point I turned the corner, I started to see the lies for lies, I started believing the truths.

My education was finally paying off.

 

Now, even though I still think of smoking more than I should, it's a fleeting thought.

I remain vigilant. I'm much smarter now.  I am surprised of the strength that was within me.

 

I do believe this is my sticky quit.

I don't know if I could do it again....so I think I won't.

 

KTQ

[Kdad]

That's a great post! Thank you.

[Doreensfree]

Glad your still smoke free....1 day down ....repeat ....

[AceWhite]

The struggle is real, but it can be conquered. 
Fight for it. Want it from your core and be willing to suffer. It’s temporary and you know it because we all have done it and no one is a superhero.  Well most of us. 
Stick close to the board the support is awesome

Edited February 13, 2022 by AceWhite