Not an SOS, just saying

[Kate18]

I am deeply depressed and craving a cigarette. My sweet little dog, Sofia, was asleep, but has jumped off of the bed and followed me into the living room as though she knows that something isn't right. She was asleep on the bed, next to me. It is night here.

 

I want a cigarette. I want a cigarette so badly. Alcohol does not numb the pain of depression. Alprazolam does not numb me enough to let me sleep through the bad thoughts. 

I just want a cigarette to comfort me. When I smoked, I felt as though I was at peace. 

 

If you are on the fence about smoking, if you feel blue and think a cigarette will help you...no, it will not. Quit smoking. If you are blue, you'll still feel blue. At least, you will not be setting yourself up for dreadful diseases caused by smoking. Don't smoke. In my worst hours, I will not smoke. I will not go out and buy cigarettes. I have committed to Not One Puff Ever. 

If you are on the fence, and using depression as an excuse to smoke, don't.  But I am not smoking. Quit. You couldn't be feeling as depressed as I am at this moment and still be breathing.  Don't let that be an excuse. I am not smoking. You should stop smoking and, "Not One Puff, Ever." Quit. No excuses. Quit.

Edited September 17, 2021 by Kate18

[jillar]

@Kate18, I'm so sorry you're feeling so down at the moment. We all go through similar and I've even brought out my JAC from time to time if needed. 

Surely learning Spanish so quickly isn't your only accomplishment. What about raising your kids? Or learning how to trade stocks? Not just anyone can do that and succeed. 

I'm really glad you have no plans to ruin your awesome quit, another great accomplishment, and you can realize that its your depression. And I'm glad you have Sofia to comfort you. I hope tomorrow is better for you.. ((hugs))

[Kris]

Oh. I am heartbroken that you are suffering so right now.  I suffer from depression and anxiety and I know how hard it can be when you get upset, everything just closing in.  I know you must feel really bad.  My little my pups sleep with me also.  Just having them near brings me comfort and calms me, I am sure Sofia knows you are in pain and she wants to keep close to help you.  When I am struggling I try to just stay in bed, pet the pups and rub their little tummies until I relax enough to fall asleep.  I know I will feel better in the morning if I can just get to sleep.

I feel sometimes like you feel now, that it would just be over.  We think that we are hurting so bad that it will not get better, but it will, we have to let our mind go to think of things we love, things we did love to do.  Just memories can lift your spirit.  Try to think of those when you are trying to get to sleep, it works and I will usually have good dreams of those memories.

K

[Christian99]

I'm sorry to hear that things feel so dark for you right now, and I remember the desire for comfort you're describing:  probably a year into my quit, I knew it wasn't a cigarette I wanted, but in the midst of sustained personal and professional challenges, I felt I had exhausted my other strategies for solace.  Something that I tried to remember is that, ultimately, smoking would most certainly make things worse in the long run and that losing my freedom in this respect would only deepen my difficulties (largely because the quit had laid bare and ultimately eradicated the structures of denial that enabled "comfortable"--or any kind of--smoking).  And I determined that if remaining quit was the only thing of which I could be proud (and of course it wasn't for me or for you), well at least I'd do that.  

 

I'm sure you know all of this, but I just wanted to let you know I hear you and understand maybe a small measure of what you're experiencing.  Moreover, I admire your courage in the face of the difficulties and your continued commitment to a smoke free life.  

 

Christian99

Nearing 20 Years Quit     

[johnny5]

I am really sad that you are going through this, Kate, but I'm also glad you keep committing to Not One Puff Ever.  Smoking will only make things worse.

 

I'm glad you opened up to what you are going through.  I don't open up too much as to what I've gone through here but when I've struggled, I try to take comfort in that at least I finally quit smoking and kept the quit.  I gain strength from that.  It sounds like you keep coming back to that in your last few sentences.  I'm glad you are resolute in staying smoke free despite what you are going through 

 

 

[Doreensfree]

I'm so  sorry Kate to hear of your sadness ....

Are you still in contact with your other help forum ..... hopefully they can help you through this bad time .

You have achieved so much ...look at the positives in your life ....not the negatives ....

I trust you will not smoke ....your Quit is something you will treasure ....

Stay close Sweetheart

 

[Mee]

Hang in there Kate.  You are strong enough not to give into those self-destructive thoughts.  Do not feel alone.  You are beautiful and we love you.  There is always someone here to have your back.  We are here for you!

[Kate18]

On 9/17/2021 at 1:39 PM, Doreensfree said:

I'm so  sorry Kate to hear of your sadness ....

Are you still in contact with your other help forum ..... hopefully they can help you through this bad time .

You have achieved so much ...look at the positives in your life ....not the negatives ....

 

Your comment reminds me of something I learned from a bipolar researcher who published a medical report on Medscape--S. Nassir Ghaemi, MD, MPH, Bipolar Disorder Expert. He said that people who have recurring depression seem to record happy memories in a sort of neurochemical "bath" (I think that's my term, not his), and when the brain has that neurochemical state, good memories are easily remembered. When the person lapses into biologically induced depression, the neurochemical state does not allow the good memories to be recalled, or not easily. What is remembered are the memories that were recorded, so to speak, when the neurochemical state was a depressed one. 

So, the trick is, how to restore the neurochemical state where the good memories can be remembered. 

But this is a forum for quitting smoking, not combatting depression. 

Many smokers smoke because they are trying to self-medicate themselves out of depression

[jillar]

3 minutes ago, Kate18 said:

 

So, the trick is, how to restore the neurochemical state where the good memories can be remembered. 

 

Could you try looking at photo albums or home movies maybe?