Day 2: Someone brought me a cigarette

[Fluffyyellowduck]

@johnnny5

 

Brutal honesty time.

 

Badly ... Doing badly. I will reset my ticker today, but I've been dealing with some stuff at home that were just managing both made it really difficult. I was sitting there trying to dish everyone up for dinner and I just couldn't figure out how to do it properly. I was so confused looking at everything and not knowing how to do it. Then with doing the laundry, it was the same thing. I couldn't figure out how to do the laundry. I was forcing myself to figure out how to fold it all up and get done.
 

 I ended up calling my mom and talking to her about quitting - she had no idea I was smoking in the first place. (I had switched to vaping and had quit for 6-7 years, but I ended up switching back because it's still nicotine and I don't know which one is more difficult to quit.) She seemed supportive.

This may not make sense to people, but to be honest, I keep going back and forth between "I really want to quit" and "I don't want to quit." I'm debating whether or not I should just postpone my quit until after the holidays because I realized I have a fear of quitting or doing anything self-development wise right now. I had gone through this thing where I worked SO HARD to do better and making changes for years and years thinking it would "pay off", basically. I made a TON of lifestyle changes, including that I quit drinking four years ago. In a shorter way of saying it, it doesn't feel like I'm quitting for myself and I'm subconsciously quitting in the hopes of something else, and that makes me resent doing it, but if I wait until after the holidays I won't have much to process at all and I'll be fine. 

But all of that work just ended up with serious crushing disappointment and I don't feel like being disappointed this year. I know getting towards the end of this year is going to be really emotional and hard. If I'm disappointed next year it's okay, but I don't want to look back feeling resentful of my quit. I've also been using nicotine to suppress those emotions quite a bit, and every time I do those feelings start coming up to the surface and I just want to push them ALL back down. I don't feel like I'm in a position to process any emotions right now because I need to get things done and I can't afford to spend all day in bed crying. I need to do the dishes.


Does any of that make sense? (Probably not) Should I wait another week to quit or is that a no-go?
(I'm not sure, but I think I might have PTSD.)

Edited December 19, 2020 by Fluffyyellowduck

[jillar]

You can wait as long as you want fluffyduck, it's your quit. I just hope you don't wait too long and end up on an oxygen leash like me............................

[johnny5]

15 minutes ago, jillar said:

You can wait as long as you want fluffyduck, it's your quit. I just hope you don't wait too long and end up on an oxygen leash like me............................

 

That sums it up.  Yes, you can wait until after the holidays to quit but unforeseen stressful events will always come up in life.  There is no guarantee that things will be less stressful in the new year or that you will not cause permanent damage to yourself as you continue smoking over the holidays.

 

Most, if not all of us, put off quitting for a long time.  Some of us put it off to long.

 

We are here when you need us.

[Fluffyyellowduck]

Thank you. I think I will "officially" wait but in the meantime I will try again today and just see where it takes me. I'm not going to promise myself anything for right now, but I'll just take it easy and try.

[Doreensfree]

Sweetie ...

There will never be a good time to quit ...we are addicts ,we will always find a reason to carry on smoking ..

Jillar is so right here ..don't leave it too long ...like my hubby ..who has passed with Emphysema...

We always think it won't happen to us ....but it does ...once you start the process ..there is no going back ..

 You have to make that first big decision ...do you want to smoke or not ...

Once you quit ,you handle life much better ,it's the nicotine withdrawal,s that keep you wound up like a spring.

I'm hoping you make the right choice ,and fight for your life ....

[Fluffyyellowduck]

Thank you Doreensfree  
I am sorry for your husband's passing. That must be so hard.  I don't want to get sick. I am definitely going to try today and if I cry all over the place for the next week I suppose it all has to come out at some point anyway. 

[Doreensfree]

Thank you Fluffy ....

Come here and cry ...come here and scream ....

Just come here.....everything you will feel in the beginning will be Temporary....

I had myself a punching pillow ....took all my frustration on that ..

Watched it flying through the air ...it worked for me ...

That and dancing round the house with my I pod blasting in my ears ..

Find what works for you ...

 

[Mee]

Your excuses as to why you can't quit will always come before your quit....unless you just quit!  All these difficult things will always pop up in your life and you will have to power through them.  SMOKING does not make these situations better.  Most of us spent too many years making excuses and thinking the bad things were not going to happen.  Many of us have suffered health issues due to our smoking and some are not longer here.  You can be free of your addiction but you have to commit to quitting.

 

 

 

 

[Doreensfree]

Fluffy....

Watch the two Documentaries above this main board ....

They were my light bulb moment !!!!

I went from struggling in my early quit ....To rejoicing it ,and hating the Tabacco Industry ....

It sure opened my eyes ...to why I was kept booked for 52 years ....

What have you got to lose ...Nothing ...but can gain so much ...

 

 

 

 

[Fluffyyellowduck]

Thank you Doreen! Are you talking about the Tobacco Wars? I had watched the first one but I didn't watch the next two. I did move on last night to learning about coping with complex trauma and addiction from FindingFreedomMedia that have given me a lot more understanding. I didn't suffer a lot of trauma as a child but had intense trauma for years during adulthood. From what I gather, people with C-PTSD move onto addictions to cope with trauma and once they start doing well they have a tendency to sabotage their own quit and intentionally relapse due to either fear of disappointment or fear of change; as that the evil they already know is tends to be the one they're more comfortable with. 

I realized that sounds exactly what I go through and it's already helping me understand quite a bit. I will add the second Tobacco Wars to my list tonight and watch it. I got a bunch of yarn for today and I intend to make a "quit" cardigan so I will need something to watch.  

I'm seeing quitting less of a burden today and more of me taking back control and hopefully bring some healing. 

[Mee]

1 hour ago, Fluffyyellowduck said:

I'm seeing quitting less of a burden today and more of me taking back control and hopefully bring some healing. 

This is exactly where you need to be.  

[Doreensfree]

Yes Fluffy ....Hope they help you ,as much as they did me ....

A Quit cardigan .....I love it ....It will be a great reminder stitch by stitch ....

Your stronger than you think ...sometimes we tend to over think ....

Don,t let that Nico Monster get inside your head ...Tell it to get lost !!!!!