Owning Your Relapse

[Genecanuck]

On 6/29/2020 at 4:02 AM, Doreensfree said:

This is probably  the best relapse post I've ever read...but it sums it up perfectly...

From our member ImaDoingit....

 

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Location: Southwest Iowa

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Posted July 16, 2014

I do not care who you are! You do not just 'Get off the Quit Train....'

 

You throw yourself head-first off a speeding train to land in the track bed below the train. You bounce down the railroad ties, bumping, flipping, twirling after the train.

 

A few of the train's car wheels run you over and you may stick to the steel wheel....spinning 'round and 'round as other riders in the car sit comfortably in their quit. Soon, you are flipped off the wheel. Whew, thank God you didn't die! Well, since you're off the train, may as well have a smoke to get over that horrifying ordeal of hurtling yourself off the quit train. But wait!!!!! The quit train is continuing on without you! WAIT QUIT TRAIN, W A I T ! ! ! ! "I'm back here," you scream at the top of your lungs. Hmm....may as well light up again. This is getting out of hand!

 

You keep taking puffs of cigarettes as you desperately chase after the train. With each puff, you see that train that you were once comfortably setting on, pull a little further away from you. You trip on a rail spike and split your chin on the rail. You dust yourself off and start chasing that train once again. The train is further down the tracks, almost out of sight.

 

You struggle so hard to catch that train but each time you stop to light that cigarette, the train just keeps getting further away from you. Soon, the train is out of sight.

 

You get tired of chasing after the train, so you decide to go back to the depot and wait for the train to pass on the next round. While waiting for the train (what's wrong? It should be here any minute), you buy another pack of smokes. You soon hear the train approach. You hear the whistle in the near distance. You are so excited!!!! To celebrate the arrival of the train, you pull out what you say will be your last cigarette and just as you inhale the first puff, the train amazingly flashes right by the depot without stopping to pick you up!!!!

 

Why?!?!?! Why didn't the train stop for me this time? You ask yourself. Feeling defeated, you go home. On the way home you stop to pick up a carton of cigarettes. If the train will not stop for me, I sure as heck am not going to run out of smokes! You think to yourself. Every once in awhile, you will hear the Quit Train's whistle off in the distance. You remember how nice it was to be on the train. You wish you were still setting with your quit friends talking about every subject under the sun with them. You are envious of the people still on the train.

 

Sometimes, you walk down by the tracks. When the train whizzes by, you get glances of the people inside. Look! There's MarylandQuitter, the Sarge, and Nancy. El Bandito, Beacon, Bakon, PetraD, ChristaC! So many faces you see, you cannot name them all. All the friendly faces who cared about you. You see each and every one of them. They flash by looking so comfortable. You don't see a few faces you expect to see. You wonder where they are. You suspect they did the exact same thing as you. You feel sad for them, but you feel sadder for yourself.

 

A few of those riders (Marti, Ava, and MarylandQuitter) actually reach a hand out to you. As you reach your own hand back out to grab hold, you realize you can't grab hold because that would mean dropping the cigarette you are holding. You drop your head and turn around to go back home, wishing desperately you were on that train with them. You feel so bad you light another cigarette. Perhaps tomorrow, you'll grab hold.

 

The next time you hear the train whistle, you are on the way to the convenience store to get another pack of cigarettes. You listen for a second and continue to the store as the Quit Train whistle dies off in the distance.

 

When you are in your favorite smoking space, you often think of the Quit Train as you take a puff on one of the many smokes of the day. You remember what it was like on the train. You remember the freedom from nicotine you had. Oh, why, OH, WHY did you through yourself off? You ask yourself.

 

Everything starts repeating, over and over....going to the station, watching the train pass, seeing the riders, all while holding a cigarette.

 

Then one day, in whatever manner that happened to work....the stars aligned, the magic spell was cast, the dice were tossed, 7's came up, the moon was full....no matter the reason, things worked to go to the station without cigarettes.

 

You once again make the trek to the station. You anxiously sit in the depot, perhaps even with the lingering smell of smoke on your body. Then you hear the whistle.... It came up very quick. Much quicker than when you were just dreaming and wishing to get on board. The train engine whizzes by the depot. Oh, no! The Quit Train is not going to stop for me again, you think to yourself. Then, as soon as the thought enters your mind, the train slams on the brakes and comes to a screeching halt with the door right in front of you. As soon as you put your foot on the step to enter, the train takes off again. You are back on the Quit Train. Finally!!!!!!

 

You tentatively step through the doorway. Inside you see many faces you know, a few new ones and a few you expected are not there. The emotions on the passengers faces, as they look at you, range from sheer elation to see you, to frowns, and questioning. With a few pats on the back, a few hand shakes, and a few swift kicks in the ass, everyone welcomes you as you set down in a seat.

 

 

Yes, folks, that is pretty much the journey I took in these last few months, but I am back.

 

I did not get off the Quit Train, I hurled myself off by taking a puff.

 

IamDoingIt is back.

This is brilliant.