Owning Your Relapse

[jillar]

Over my four years of being on support forums I've seen a few people who just couldn't seem to get their sticky quit the first time. They start so gung-ho and post daily getting and even offering support from and to fellow quitters. Then one day they are gone...……..

When they resurface it's usually with tail between their legs hoping for the same support they received before they relapsed. And with the exception of some tough love, because some people just need that, they get the same level of support as they got the first time. We get it, quitting is hard for a lot of us and it sucks.

Some even make new accounts out of embarrassment of their failed quits thinking too that perhaps a new account will help them get their forever quit. The problem with this is two-fold. One, you MUST OWN YOUR RELAPSE. It's the only way you can look back and see what you can do differently to help get your sticky quit. Two, it's not fair to the members who welcome you as a new quitter instead of who you are. 

You see the support you are going to be offered as a relapser compared to as a new quitter is quite different. Yes, we may get short at times but it's only because we care and don't want to see anyone have to continually put themselves through the hardest first few weeks of quitting over and over again. Yes, it may be embarrassing but we can offer you tips and clues based on our own relapses or on how we saved our quits from a relapse.

There is nothing better for me than to see a chronic relapser finally get their forever quit. So own your relapse, come back on and lets get this done!

 

 

[Mona]

Very well said Jill.  There are a couple of recent quitters that I suspect have relapsed.  I hope they will not give up on quitting and will come back with a new quit.

 

As for myself, I was quit for over two years and then relapsed while hanging out with the only smoker in my circle of family and friends.  It wasn't the first time that I hung out with her as a non-smoker but on that particular day, I made a very bad decision.  It took me 1 year, 7 months, and 22 days to successfully quit again.  Even though I kept trying, I just couldn't seem to get a cold turkey quit going.  I thought that I should be able to because I had originally quit cold turkey.  I think the memory of it was freaking me out every time I got to day 3.  It was time to try a different method.  So, I decided to try the patch and that ended up working quite well for me.

 

The point that I'm trying to make is do not give up on quitting!  If one method doesn't work, try something else.  Also, educate yourself on addiction.  See it for what it is, not something that is a crutch, a friend, something that relaxes you, something to keep you occupied...  It will kill you!!!

[JohnQ]

19 minutes ago, Mona said:

...As for myself, I was quit for over two years and then relapsed while hanging out with...

 

...The point that I'm trying to make is do not give up on quitting...

Same here Mona, I also once had quit for over 2 years, then decided to have one with a friend at a social gathering and back to square one.

 

Having smoked for almost 40 years, and having to quit numerous times, I know how difficult it is to quit, and how easy it is to relapse.  But as Mona said "Do not give up on quitting", the difference for me this time around is being on this forum which gives me the boost of confidence I need to quit for good.  It really helps to have a support group to go to when you're having a hard time fighting the craving, knock on wood I haven't had a need to post an SOS yet but it's assuring to know that it's there when I need it.  

[jillar]

3 minutes ago, JohnQ said:

I haven't had a need to post an SOS yet but it's assuring to know that it's there when I need it.  

 

Not only is it here John but it works if you really want to save your quit! I know because it worked several times for me

[Doreensfree]

Brilliant post Jill,

If we have any folks out there ,who have been here before ,and are too embarrassed to come back ...

Hey !!!!...your life is too important ...

Better to feel a little embarrassment.....than to develope a crippling smoking illness or worse !!!!

The Train is at your Station .....jump on ....

[Doreensfree]

8 minutes ago, jillar said:

 

Not only is it here John but it works if you really want to save your quit! I know because it worked several times for me

I have seen countless of Quits saved in posting a SOS.....

We carnt help you unless you give us a chance ....it's there for a reason ....

It is a POWERFUL tool.....

[Irene]

Guilty as charged!

Apologies for disappearing without saying a word...yes, I relapsed, but I have gotten up, dusted myself off, and 

ready for the journey.

Thanks for the post and comments...

[jillar]

Glad to see you back @Irene, stay close this time and let's get your sticky quit! Hopefully others will follow your lead

[JohnQ]

8 minutes ago, Irene said:

... I have gotten up, dusted myself off, and 

ready for the journey...

 

And it's a great decision Irene!  Stay here to march with me and all the June quitters to our new freedom

[Doreensfree]

Good to see you back Irene...Learn what went wrong last time ...and prepare yourself this time ...

We have some newbies you can travel along with ...you can do it !!!

 

[Irene]

Thanks all

Believe it or not, I have been lurking and following the newbies as well....A strong bunch with some

good advise as well. The reason for relapsing was no reason at all....

The difference this time round is that I really do want to quit

[greenlight]

I disappeared from one forum where I was when I quit and I did wonder if people thought I had relapsed! I was just busy and doing well and didn’t get around to posting anymore. I hadn’t relapsed. I hope this is also the case for more people than we think

[Reciprocity]

Good to see you quitting again Irene! Take the hands of so many here ready to help you.

[d2e8b8]

To my understanding, very few make it in their 1st attempt. The road to success lies through a few relapses so please accept it as a mile-marker to success, own the relapse and accept the encouragement and support to quit again.  There will come a moment when the switch goes on and you're able to beat the addiction. 

[Nana20]

@jillar excellent post. I am still here and still quit free. This right here is true it has happened to me a many quits, and I did find out why those quits weren't successful. I believe that support is an amazing thing to have when you are trying to accomplish any goal, but to become a non-smoker you  really do need the extra support that these boards do give. If I was honest over the last couple of years I have tried to quit and I have used message boards. One thing I noticed is that like Jillar said that they come here so gung-ho on quitting and then they just fizzle out in front of you. I think it has more to do with over-confidence and I don't think that they realize just how much support that they are getting and that probably if they look back they can see where there online support has saved their quit many times and then all of a sudden they are gone. to confident. I know I was one of them(previous quit). The reasons why I left. 1) I got to cocky and over-confident.2) My husband started to get upset at how much time I was on the board. So I just got tired of it and I got over-confident and said you know what I got this and I am tired of listening to my DH complaining about me always being on the board and so I just stopped. I am not saying that is what caused my relapse, but I will say this. If I hadn't been so confident. I would be still smoke free to this day. As I have been trying to get back to this point of quit since 2015. You see if I would have continued to lean on my online friends for support, I would of been called out on my junkie thinking that caused me to make the decision to smoke. 

17 hours ago, jillar said:

They start so gung-ho and post daily getting and even offering support from and to fellow quitters. Then one day they are gone...……..

16 hours ago, Mona said:

Very well said Jill.  There are a couple of recent quitters that I suspect have relapsed.  I hope they will not give up on quitting and will come back with a new quit.

 

 

@Mona I can happily report that I am still here, and still kicking. Hitting the 2 week mark yesterday, but I do have a few that I suspect as well. I don't post everyday, just simply because I just don't have anything that will offer any insight or help to anyone. You see I learned a long time ago that words have power and its up to us on how we use them. Also I learned moderation. I had to compromise with my husband that I wouldn't let the message board take over my life, but I would go and use it for as often as I need/want. We are both in agreement that I need to quit(even though I surprised him with this one) and that I need to use whatever means necessary.

 

I think that for whatever your reason for coming here is, Whether your just finding this tool (a online support group) or it is a tool you have used many times. You coming and joining us you are silently not only making a promise to yourself, but you are also making a promise to us.(fellow members). Whether you are using this tool to help yourself have more accountability. You see the reason why doesn't matter. You are here because you either need/want this to work, or you know the benefits of an online support group. so utilize it, and let us help you.

 

[Sazerac]

19 hours ago, jillar said:

Over my four years of being on support forums I've seen a few people who just couldn't seem to get their sticky quit the first time. They start so gung-ho and post daily getting and even offering support from and to fellow quitters. Then one day they are gone...……..

When they resurface it's usually with tail between their legs hoping for the same support they received before they relapsed. And with the exception of some tough love, because some people just need that, they get the same level of support as they got the first time. We get it, quitting is hard for a lot of us and it sucks.

Some even make new accounts out of embarrassment of their failed quits thinking too that perhaps a new account will help them get their forever quit. The problem with this is two-fold. One, you MUST OWN YOUR RELAPSE. It's the only way you can look back and see what you can do differently to help get your sticky quit. Two, it's not fair to the members who welcome you as a new quitter instead of who you are. 

You see the support you are going to be offered as a relapser compared to as a new quitter is quite different. Yes, we may get short at times but it's only because we care and don't want to see anyone have to continually put themselves through the hardest first few weeks of quitting over and over again. Yes, it may be embarrassing but we can offer you tips and clues based on our own relapses or on how we saved our quits from a relapse.

There is nothing better for me than to see a chronic relapser finally get their forever quit. So own your relapse, come back on and lets get this done!

 

 

 

 

This is an awesome post, Jillar.  Thank you so much.

 

Quitting smoking is THE time to be completely honest with yourself and hence others.

It's balls to the wall Truth Time.

No longer can you believe the lies of addiction, your own lies.

 

The old house of cards must come down giving you the opportunity to re-create yourself

into a strong and truthful person.

 

This truth, this honesty you start with yourself is a great gift that will serve you throughout your life.

 

[Sazerac]

 

I quit the first time. No big deal.  I am no better than any one else with a successful quit.

I only say this to encourage quitters and assure them that it can certainly be done.

 

17 hours ago, d2e8b8 said:

To my understanding, very few make it in their 1st attempt. The road to success lies through a few relapses so please accept it as a mile-marker to success, own the relapse and accept the encouragement and support to quit again.  There will come a moment when the switch goes on and you're able to beat the addiction. 

 

 

Smokers Don't Have To Quit Multiple Times Before They Will Succeed

 

Is Relapsing On Nicotine A Good Learning Experience

[Doreensfree]

How are you doing Irene ???

[Irene]

Hello there day 2 coming to an end, and doing ok, thanks for asking.

Have been doing a bit of back reading, and re visiting Joel's videos and kicking myself for having started up

again. But very happy to see Darcy having kept her quit and the newbies being so mature with their quits....amazing!

[jillar]

That's great Irene and in another day or so the nicotine will be completely out of your system, well done   

[Doreensfree]

Great job Irene ....

Knowledge will be your weapon ...the more you learn ,the stronger you become ...

If your looking for a good read try Allen Carr the easy way ...it's helped millions quit ...alot of us here have read it you can download  it free I think ....keep going ....

[notsmokinjo]

Whenever I'm away from the boards I'm paranoid peeps are gunna think I've relapsed...Its not like I don't have form (i threw away a 6+ year quit)....and when i first quit i always figured if i relapsed id just walk away and vanish, may have even said that once....but 2.5 years smoke free...if I suddenly have a total frickin brain fart and smoke, ill be back, cap in hand, baring my soul as i reboot and free myself again.

 

I want to be smoke free. While I might not quite be at the lovin meself stage, I certainly respect myself enough and most of the time like meself enough to want this freedom for myself. I think that's a key difference, I want this for me...not because some other pets o n said I should but because I want it. Everyone wants to quit when they quit but you need to want it for yourself, not for your hubby or the kids or the parents or because the doctor said.

 

 

 

[NADA]

I believe that smoking (and most other addictions) often go hand-in-hand with deceiving both other people and oneself. Here is a something I wrote about that subject in 2016 and re-posted on QuitTrain in 2019:

 

https://www.quittrain.com/topic/11725-the-lie/?tab=comments#comment-338534&ct=1592870502

 

[JH63]

I'm guilty of not using the SOS part of this forum properly! I've been on another forum for several years and lost many quits there. But I always told the people on the forum that I had lost my quit, just like I did here. Afterwards!

 I will be honest and say that I didn't tell anyone here before I lost my last quit, and I knew at least two days before I lost it that I was in trouble. That's my loss, you might have talked me out of it. Junkie Thinking!

Edited June 29, 2020 by JH63

[Doreensfree]

This is probably  the best relapse post I've ever read...but it sums it up perfectly...

From our member ImaDoingit....

 

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Location: Southwest Iowa

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Posted July 16, 2014

I do not care who you are! You do not just 'Get off the Quit Train....'

 

You throw yourself head-first off a speeding train to land in the track bed below the train. You bounce down the railroad ties, bumping, flipping, twirling after the train.

 

A few of the train's car wheels run you over and you may stick to the steel wheel....spinning 'round and 'round as other riders in the car sit comfortably in their quit. Soon, you are flipped off the wheel. Whew, thank God you didn't die! Well, since you're off the train, may as well have a smoke to get over that horrifying ordeal of hurtling yourself off the quit train. But wait!!!!! The quit train is continuing on without you! WAIT QUIT TRAIN, W A I T ! ! ! ! "I'm back here," you scream at the top of your lungs. Hmm....may as well light up again. This is getting out of hand!

 

You keep taking puffs of cigarettes as you desperately chase after the train. With each puff, you see that train that you were once comfortably setting on, pull a little further away from you. You trip on a rail spike and split your chin on the rail. You dust yourself off and start chasing that train once again. The train is further down the tracks, almost out of sight.

 

You struggle so hard to catch that train but each time you stop to light that cigarette, the train just keeps getting further away from you. Soon, the train is out of sight.

 

You get tired of chasing after the train, so you decide to go back to the depot and wait for the train to pass on the next round. While waiting for the train (what's wrong? It should be here any minute), you buy another pack of smokes. You soon hear the train approach. You hear the whistle in the near distance. You are so excited!!!! To celebrate the arrival of the train, you pull out what you say will be your last cigarette and just as you inhale the first puff, the train amazingly flashes right by the depot without stopping to pick you up!!!!

 

Why?!?!?! Why didn't the train stop for me this time? You ask yourself. Feeling defeated, you go home. On the way home you stop to pick up a carton of cigarettes. If the train will not stop for me, I sure as heck am not going to run out of smokes! You think to yourself. Every once in awhile, you will hear the Quit Train's whistle off in the distance. You remember how nice it was to be on the train. You wish you were still setting with your quit friends talking about every subject under the sun with them. You are envious of the people still on the train.

 

Sometimes, you walk down by the tracks. When the train whizzes by, you get glances of the people inside. Look! There's MarylandQuitter, the Sarge, and Nancy. El Bandito, Beacon, Bakon, PetraD, ChristaC! So many faces you see, you cannot name them all. All the friendly faces who cared about you. You see each and every one of them. They flash by looking so comfortable. You don't see a few faces you expect to see. You wonder where they are. You suspect they did the exact same thing as you. You feel sad for them, but you feel sadder for yourself.

 

A few of those riders (Marti, Ava, and MarylandQuitter) actually reach a hand out to you. As you reach your own hand back out to grab hold, you realize you can't grab hold because that would mean dropping the cigarette you are holding. You drop your head and turn around to go back home, wishing desperately you were on that train with them. You feel so bad you light another cigarette. Perhaps tomorrow, you'll grab hold.

 

The next time you hear the train whistle, you are on the way to the convenience store to get another pack of cigarettes. You listen for a second and continue to the store as the Quit Train whistle dies off in the distance.

 

When you are in your favorite smoking space, you often think of the Quit Train as you take a puff on one of the many smokes of the day. You remember what it was like on the train. You remember the freedom from nicotine you had. Oh, why, OH, WHY did you through yourself off? You ask yourself.

 

Everything starts repeating, over and over....going to the station, watching the train pass, seeing the riders, all while holding a cigarette.

 

Then one day, in whatever manner that happened to work....the stars aligned, the magic spell was cast, the dice were tossed, 7's came up, the moon was full....no matter the reason, things worked to go to the station without cigarettes.

 

You once again make the trek to the station. You anxiously sit in the depot, perhaps even with the lingering smell of smoke on your body. Then you hear the whistle.... It came up very quick. Much quicker than when you were just dreaming and wishing to get on board. The train engine whizzes by the depot. Oh, no! The Quit Train is not going to stop for me again, you think to yourself. Then, as soon as the thought enters your mind, the train slams on the brakes and comes to a screeching halt with the door right in front of you. As soon as you put your foot on the step to enter, the train takes off again. You are back on the Quit Train. Finally!!!!!!

 

You tentatively step through the doorway. Inside you see many faces you know, a few new ones and a few you expected are not there. The emotions on the passengers faces, as they look at you, range from sheer elation to see you, to frowns, and questioning. With a few pats on the back, a few hand shakes, and a few swift kicks in the ass, everyone welcomes you as you set down in a seat.

 

 

Yes, folks, that is pretty much the journey I took in these last few months, but I am back.

 

I did not get off the Quit Train, I hurled myself off by taking a puff.

 

IamDoingIt is back.