Can't stop thinking about buying cigarettes

[Kate18]

I'm a bit intoxicated. I never drink, but for the past two weeks, the stress of working with the public and the fear of the virus for my pregnant daughter has been mounting. 

For almost two weeks, I've been getting hard cider to have in the evening to chill out better before sleeping. It's seemed to help. Then today, I came across a higher alcohol content cider, and now I'm tipsy. 

I've been practicing meditation each evening. Been doing a lot of stretching with measured breathing. 

I just want to smoke. I want to sit quietly on my patio with this can of hard cider (high alcohol content), and smoke. 

 

I'm saying to myself that it wouldn't matter to anyone, but what we do affects other people. If I break my NOPE pledge and have to reset my ticker, it wouldn't just affect me, it might affect someone else close to lapsing. 

Nonetheless, I want to smoke. I feel a need to break the tension, get it over with, and just smoke. I'm so tired of masks. So tired of constantly sanitizing my environment at work. So tired of wondering whether the sore throat, runny nose, sneezing, and headaches I feel are allergy or the virus. I'm just tired.

 

Would really like some company right now. Kinda teary. Definitely on the brink of walking to the convenience store and buying cigarettes.

[Kate18]

While I'm waiting to see if anyone is around, I read the top post on this forum for responding to your own SOS. I posted a reply to that one, myself. I've copy/pasted it below. 

Honestly, I still want to smoke. 

 

"Posted December 14, 2018

Spoiler alert: There is nothing redeeming or interesting in the following. 

Note to self: recognizing you want to smoke, but think how cold and miserable it would be to get into the car in order to go to a gas station to give over hard-earned money for the privilege of making myself sick and putting a new swimming pool in the acreage of some tobacco ceo's mansion. May then rot in hades with karma for company.

Remembering to H.A.L.T.

I'm not hungry, but I'm craving something sweet. Solution: make a couple of pancakes and eat with maple syrup. Sigh. Weight gain.

Angry. Not angry. Annoyed covers it.

Lonesome. Sofia is here to keep me company. Maybe she wants a walk. Doubtful. She likes to go to sleep at 7:00 pm. But she peed on the carpet last night, so I'll take her out for a minute. 

T. Tired. Yes. It's 11 pm and I prefer to go to sleep by 8 pm. Got caught up in watching Criminal Minds on Netflix. In the first episode I watched tonight, there were people smoking.  I was watching and thinking about smoking.

I can skip Hungry, push through Annoyed, walk with Sofia,  then go to bed. That'll cover the four bases. And I'll avoid gaining another pound of weight.

 

"Every day in every way I am getting further and further from that last cigarette. I really don't want to trash another quit attempt. Tomorrow is a danger day. It's my day off. Day four. Last time I went this long, I was housesitting. The owner was a smoker and left a half pack of a yucky brand on the table. I called or emailed and asked permission to discard them. He said yes. I took them out and put them in the trash. The trash was collected that morning, and when I went outside to fetch the trash bin from the curb, the cigarettes were sitting on top of the lid of the emptied can. It was too much. I snapped. That was at least two, maybe three years ago. Yes, day four was a bad day. Tomorrow is a new day four. In the morning, I'll plan carefully.  And I'll probably ramble on posts. Sorry about that. I can be verbose. It's just thinking out loud. Just wrote "danger day" across December 15th. It'll remind me that I have to stay mindful, rational, and do the HALT quiz if I feel weak.

[Mona]

Kate, you're almost to the three-month mark.  You've come too far to throw it away.  Don't do it.  It's OK to think about smoking and it's also OK to want to smoke.  Just don't do it.  It's not worth it!!

 

[Kate18]

You're right, it is almost three months. Amazing. I didn't think I could get this far.

Thanks for weighing in, by the way.

I appreciate the company

[Mona]

I relapsed in 2018 and it took me 1 year, 7 months, and 22 day to quit again.  I tried and I tried but couldn't get it to stick.  Don't put yourself in that position.  You are doing great!

[johnny5]

Hey Kate,

 

What good would come out of smoking a cigarette?  It would just stress you out and depress you more than you currently are.  You are almost three months smoke free.  That is a huge accomplishment.  You are changing your life for the better.

 

The things you are worrying about are things you really can't control.  But you can control your quit.  

 

Most of us are going through some scary times and I realize you are on the front lines and experiencing more stress than most.  However, a lot of people appreciate folks in your situation and are grateful for what people like you are doing.

 

Anyway, as tough as things may be, do not let that influence you into giving up your quit.  Do not ever let external issues threaten your quit.  Cristobal has a classic post about this.

 

I hope you realize that staying smoke free is the best thing.  Lighting up will not accomplish anything good whatsoever.

 

 

Edited May 16, 2020 by johnny5

[Kate18]

5 minutes ago, johnny5 said:

Hey Kate,

 

  Do not ever let external issues threaten your quit.  Cristobal has a classic post about this.

 

I hope you realize that staying smoke free is the best thing.  Lighting up will not accomplish anything good whatsoever.

 

 

That is a wise quote, and your comment, to separate external issues from quitting. 

I'm beginning to settle more to the side of not going out and buying cigarettes. Thank you

 

Our county is about to go to mandatory masks when in enclosed public spaces, i.e., buildings. 

One of my frequent customers is a doctor at a local hospital. He said that his colleagues at the medical center are preparing for a surge of case in September and October that will make what we are going through right now look rather insignificant. I am dreading Autumn.

 

Must be the hard cider making me melodramatic. I read for approximately three hours daily about the virus in every corner of the world, and read the medical literature on The Lancet (a medical journal) for news about treatments. Maybe being intoxicated has knocked down my psychological defenses that kept what I was reading from being personal about me and my family.

 

I'm still wanting to smoke. And I'm still sitting in my chair, not walking out the door with my wallet.

 

[Mona]

Quitting is just too damn hard Kate.  It's so strange...when you smoke, you don't want to smoke anymore and when you quit, you do want to smoke.  Hang on to this quit, Kate, so you don't have to start another one.

[Kate18]

10 minutes ago, Mona said:

Quitting is just too damn hard Kate.  It's so strange...when you smoke, you don't want to smoke anymore and when you quit, you do want to smoke.  Hang on to this quit, Kate, so you don't have to start another one.

Thank you, Mona, your're right, quitting is hard. I've stopped and started so many times. 

I'm relaxing out of the craving finally, I think. Unless it resurges .

That was a bad one. Nearly "fatal."

I appreciate your responding.

[johnny5]

8 minutes ago, Kate18 said:

Our county is about to go to mandatory masks when in enclosed public spaces, i.e., buildings. 

One of my frequent customers is a doctor at a local hospital. He said that his colleagues at the medical center are preparing for a surge of case in September and October that will make what we are going through right now look rather insignificant. I am dreading Autumn.

 

Must be the hard cider making me melodramatic.

 

 

I wish our county would do the same thing regarding masks but that is a different discussion.  I wish more people took this seriously.

 

A lot is to be learned about this disease but it is known to be a respiratory disease.  Smoking immediately hurts your respiratory system and makes it weaker.  I am not a doctor (and medical advice should be sought out from medical professionals, not us) but if you are worried about this disease, trying to keep your respiratory system as healthy as possible is the right thing to do.  That means that smoking is the worst thing you can do. 

 

Again, nothing good can come from smoking.

[Kate18]

Thank you, Johnny and Mona. 

I'm ok now.

I'm going to go take a relax on my bed because, though the strong desire to get cigarettes is somewhat lessened, I'm less likely to go outside if I'm comfortable on my bed with my dog next to me.

[Mona]

Glad to hear that you are feeling a little better now Kate...and happy that you have hung on to your quit!

[johnny5]

That is great to hear, @Kate18

 

Great job fighting through this.  Just remember that nothing positive at all can come from smoking a cigarette.  It is all negative.  You are doing the right thing by staying quit.

[Kate18]

4 minutes ago, johnny5 said:

That is great to hear, @Kate18

 

Great job fighting through this.  Just remember that nothing positive at all can come from smoking a cigarette.  It is all negative.  You are doing the right thing by staying quit.

I was 99% sure I was going to smoke. I wanted to smoke. (Still do)

I didn't want to post an SOS, but guess I've been on the board long enough to know that when on the edge, ya just have to go through the process of posting to give a chance for someone else to knock sense into you.

 

I appreciate your time and Mona's. Maybe part of the problem is the social isolation that goes with the virus. I live alone (my dog would take offense), and have to constantly keep alert to distance from people at work. I've not seen my friends in months. I'm not a texter or facetimer or facebook. I've only seen my daughter once in months, and that was at a distance.

 

Thanks, guys. I'm in the clear, now.

 

[Doreensfree]

Sorry to be late ...well done Johnny and Mona ...sometimes just talking it through is all it takes ...

Your Quit is young Kate ...maybe stay clear of alcohol ,till your feeling stronger....

These are hard sad times ....

But smoking wouldn't have changed anything ...all that would have happened is you would have lost your precious Quit ...

I was once told early in my quit ...

It's ok to wobble ...just make sure you don't fall over ....you had a wobble ..and here you are upright .

Well done ...feel proud ...

[Kate18]

3 minutes ago, Doreensfree said:

....you had a wobble ..and here you are upright .

Well done ...feel proud ...

LOL  

I'll steer clear of alcohol after today. Very good advice. 

And I like your use of the word "wobble," it's less emotionally charged than "craving," and I may use it in the future if I hit a rough spot.

  Thanks

[Kate18]

5 minutes ago, Doreensfree said:

Sorry to be late ...

And, you're never late. 

 

[Doreensfree]

Thank you Kate .....

That saying saved my quit....I'm passing it on to you .....KTQ.....♥

[Kate18]

I really gotta find an outlet, a release, for the stress living and working around this virus is causing me. 

I've heard people blog. 

I've nothing unique or innovative to say in a blog.

But clearly, hard cider isn't solving the problem, since it's led to "wobbling" toward smoking.

I ate myself out of stress into eight pounds of fat that I now have to lose again. If I were smoking, I'd still be slim-ish.

I hate to spend the money, but maybe I'll buy a computer screen that has a camera so that I can video with my children and friends.

 

But Doreen's right, I have to drop the alcohol. Too bad, it was lovely.   

Yes, I'll KTQ

 

[jillar]

Oh Kate I'm really happy that Mona and Johnny were here for you and helped you past that hard crave. You would have felt terrible about losing a three month quit. Good job guys!

I get you're being worried about the virus, we all are. But when you're fixating on it and fear of getting it you're draining all your energy. Worrying is a useless emotion in that what ever is going to be will be and it usually isn't the outcome we were worried it would be. So all that worry was for nothing.

Instead try to focus on what's right before you. Walking Sophia or making baby clothes for your new grandchild maybe. You're doing great Kate and I really am stoked for you

[jillar]

Kate you can use your tablet or cellphone to video chat with your kids. I've been chatting with my kindle and the zoom app

[Kate18]

7 minutes ago, jillar said:

Kate you can use your tablet or cellphone to video chat with your kids. I've been chatting with my kindle and the zoom app

I've been using my Samsung android to WhatsApp with my son on occasion. It's so small. I was thinking that a larger picture would make it seem more life-like.

My son and I are most recently talking about what a great time it is to be getting into stocks. We're beginning to investigate which ones look promising. I'm think that agricultural innovations may be good. Anyway, he and I are going to be having meetings (he is in New Jersey and I am in Seattle). I miss him. I miss my daughter and granddaughter. Texting just isn't a substitute.

 

I didn't realize I was feeling lonely until today. It's been building up without my realizing it.  I think that that is the true problem, the emotion that I was looking at cigarettes to solve. Wouldn't have worked.

[Mona]

H.A.L.T comes to mind from the vast amount of reading I have done about addiction.

 

H = Hungry

A = Angry

L = Lonely

T = Tired

 

When you are tirelessly craving your substance of abuse, in our case nicotine, you may be really craving something else.  Food for thought...

[Mona]

1 hour ago, Kate18 said:

My son and I are most recently talking about what a great time it is to be getting into stocks.

 

Speaking of the stock market (a hobby of mine), there is a company you may want to read about.  I don't know if it's a good investment but they make a drug that may be effective against coronavirus.  The company, located in your state of Washington, is named Cytodyn and they make a drug called Leronmibab.  They have been testing it for HIV and triple-negative breast cancer for years and are currently in the process of getting it approved for HIV.  Clinical trials are in progress for its use in treating coronavirus.  Results look promising.  Check it out!

[Sazerac]

Hey @Kate18, so glad you held your ground and so proud of QTrain for talking you down.

 

Remember, your quit is still so young.  Protect it with your life !

 

Here is another take on H.A.L.T, I still think HALT to myself...now, not about smoking but, about other things, it helps me stay current with myself

and figure out what may be going on.

Riffing On H.A.L.T.

 

 

and have a stroll through Red Flags.

It is full of the lies addiction presents to woo us back.

You may have your own to share.

 

Stay focused.  REWARD yourself !  Especially after facing down your trigger/craves yesterday

 

The Significance of Rewards